Do you go out without your partner?

[VelvetRope212]

I've been in a relationship for a few months.

Partner, bit older, Says he has never gone out without his partner in previous relationships, and would not do so.

He seems to think me expecting to go out without him is weird/inappropriate. This crops up almost every time I go out without him and is becoming a source of friction.

(My sisters, in fairness, dint tend to go out without their partner's. A coffee in the daytime would be the height of it. I've always been more independent though).

We love spending time together and do go out together but also go out separately with friends. I would be concerned if you couldn't go out without him. It is not exclusively the behaviour of single women to go out alone.

I am a SAHM with two teenagers. Am I meant to never leave the house unless Dh accompanies me?

@JustThisLastLittleBit

I feel claustrophobic just reading this!

Same!

Red flag for controlling behaviour. Get rid. You're doing nothing wrong.

Run for the hills op!!!

Dh is more than happy for me to go out with my friends. I was out with all male friends on Friday and it wouldn't occur to me that it would be an issue!

DH and I do a mixture of things together and apart. On too of this when we are together we are far from stuck by each other’s sides. At the weekend we attended a meal with a large group of friends and sat at completely opposite ends of a long table.

Yes, often.

Meet friends to go to the cinema, theatre, walking, a drink. Go for a weekend to family or a walking weekend with a friend.

A few months into a relationship and he thinks you shouldn’t be seeing your friends?

And you are wondering if you should become one of those women who never see your single friends again unless you are with your DP?

Ugh.

Set him straight and if he can’t get used to it in a fully relaxed understanding way, dump him.

I have always gone out without my DH, he goes out with his friends and he goes away for weekends too. I have just returned from a weekend away.

It is healthy to maintain your own friendships and indepedence.

For your DP to suggest you going out without him is disrespectful....is a red flag for me. His opinion isnt going to change so for that reason alone I would be ending thigs

Yes DH & I both go out with our own friends and together as a couple. I have done same in previous relationships and don't give it a second thought. I have a friend (+25 years) who never goes anywhere without her DH and he never goes out without her and it is a foundation of their relationship - they go on about it on social media. Fair enough, they can do what they like but it is hard work keeping that friendship going as if we need to meet up we need to synch the diaries for 4 people instead of 2 (they don't want me without DH either). Haven't seen them since well before lock down as it is a PITA arranging things and I'm thinking of letting the friendship go. In addition to all the faff of arranging I find it a bit annoying that we can't just meet up for a drink on our own. So my point is, you will probably lose a few friends, even close ones, if you can't go anywhere without him in tow.

YES! All the time. I would actually like to go out WITH my husband more but we have 2 v young kids and no willing babysitters so the only way we get out at the moment is independently of each other. I used to go out without him all the time before kids though too.

I go on holiday, to gigs, to see my friends, hiking, mountain biking, meals out with AND without my husband.

We've been together 31 years and I love him very much. We have different tastes on some things so why would he want to come to a gig that he wouldn't enjoy and why would I miss out? Why would I want him there when I am with my group of girlfriends and more to the point why would he want to be there!! I have no interest in sci- fi films so he goes out by himself or with our son's. He doesn't need me there.

VelvetRope Please proceed with caution and keep your wits about you. I would never trust or want to be near a fella that said or implied I shouldn't go out without him. Your independence is valuable. Don't lose it. However in your shoes I would be getting rid.

Er... yes - why wouldn't I? Cinemas, theatres, restaurants, sports events, weekends away - all either on my own or with a friend. Ditto partner for things he enjoys (camping, walking etc). Seems to have worked fine for the last 30+ years, so wouldn't have it any other way.

Absolutely. We both have different hobbies and friends and regularly socialise without each other. We even go on holiday once a year on our own or go with our own friends.

I would be very concerned about someone trying to be with me all the time. It would feel very claustrophobic.

Yes we go out separately. Its absolutely fine to have a part of your life without him, plus he doesn't want to hear what we chat about, not really his thing.

In a word, yes, we do go out seperately, but definitely go out together much more often.

So although i do go out with friends occasionally without him, its not a regular thing. But thats just generally how things plan out as most of my friends are busy mums so kids, work etc factors in so a night out just the girls, is pretty rare.
When it does happen though DP is fine with it. Usually would pick me up so I can drink etc. Same with him, he does probably more on his own as men appear to have more free time/less to organise, lol.

But we both prefer going out together I think. Great for the odd girls night, or drinks in with my friends but thats certainly much less often than going out together.

I have dinner with my friends about once a fortnight. DH wouldn't dream of coming.

He sees his friends about the same amount. I would never expect to be invited.

We do things together too.

This is normal and healthy in a relationship.

Yes I go out by myself sometimes as does my partner.

I see friends, visit my mum, go to an exercise class, do some shopping without being interpreted by others etc.

Does he expect you to go everywhere as a couple?

What happens when you want to see your friends? Does he want to see your friends too? I find that really changes the dynamics of the conversation.

Also, what if you want to go somewhere he doesn't? Are you expected to not go or does he go too even if he doesn't want to do what you're doing?

I'm sorry but that would absolutely do my head in. It's very strange clingy and potentially controlling behaviour.

He either needs to get used to you going out alone sometimes to persue your own interests or you need to consider very carefully if he's the right partner for you.

I find it quite bizarre that you call someone a partner after only a few months. Did he push you into this?

I mean of course you should br able to go out without yoir partner pf 30+ Years, but after a few months it’s a huge huge red flag. More of a red marquee

He is the weird one. It is absolutely normal for adults to see friends or go out independently of their partners. If it's a 'source of friction' this early in the relationship then I think I would be running for the hills.

Does he show other signs of controlling behaviour, eg trying to tell you what to wear or monopolising your time?

Fuck that.

Also whatever he thinks is right, if you don't want to live like that then don't. Don't give up your freedom.

I was away this weekend with some female friends, it's completely normal to continue your separate social lives. I enjoy going out with DH too, but it's not mutually exclusive. He also goes out with his friends regularly. As others have said, it's a massive red flag if your partner doesn't want you to do this.

@GertrudeBElion

Yes, often.

Does he think you should just stop seeing the people you saw before he came on the scene, or does he think he should tag along?

Either way it's still isolating the OP.

I don't speak freely to my friends about anything private if their partners/neighbours/mates/adult DC have also tagged along to our meetup. It changes the dynamics.

Gives him the opportunity to control the conversation and dominate it too, not necessarily overtly. I had this happen to me. He'd be full of interesting topics of conversation, which is great except he was deliberately steering the conversation away from whatever me and my friend would be talking about, because he wanted all the attention on him. Then there was all the times he disagreed with my opinion on something, interrupting to state why his own is better/right or "correcting" me after I'd spoken etc until in the end (years later) it's just him and my friends/family talking and I'm permanently sidelined because anything I said was going to be wrong and I knew it, so kept quiet.

The isolation is subtle and insideous and OPs boyfriend has already started.

I go out much more without him than with him. My friends are important to me and he is less social than me.

Of course I do. I fairly often go out with one friend in a pair for a catch-up, and to the movies/a gallery/dinner/coffee etc. Or to see my small group of girl friends for dinner or drinks. My DP works weekends a lot and I'm trying to stop doing so (I'm freelance so my mindset is 'take the work and do it whenever' but it's not that healthy long-term); so I go out with friends or alone (I love galleries etc on my own; can be as slow or fast as I like, go round multiple times etc).
Just went to stay with a friend in another town for a few days too, which was a lovely change of scene and a good chance to see her and catch up properly after the lockdowns and some turbulence in her personal life that meant we lost a bit of touch.

He sounds at best rather old-fashioned. At best.

OP
Even my two son's girlfriends ( who they live with) do things without them.
DS1 gf was in Liverpool this weekend to see her old uni friend. It looks like her and her mate had an awesome time looking at the fb pictures!
DS2 gf went to a great Halloween party which DS missed due to work but she was with her mates having a brilliant time, as she should be!

Honestly keep your life awesome and don't let people trap you for their benefit.

Wow. Yes. Of course you go out without your partner. I cannot imagine a life like that. Suffocating.