Do you go out without your partner?

[VelvetRope212]

I've been in a relationship for a few months.

Partner, bit older, Says he has never gone out without his partner in previous relationships, and would not do so.

He seems to think me expecting to go out without him is weird/inappropriate. This crops up almost every time I go out without him and is becoming a source of friction.

(My sisters, in fairness, dint tend to go out without their partner's. A coffee in the daytime would be the height of it. I've always been more independent though).

How long have you loved in this location OP, & are you planning on staying? (Pure nosiness by this point! - you write well, & I'm kinda ... fascinated ...)

@ChargingBuck

How long have you loved in this location OP, & are you planning on staying? (Pure nosiness by this point! - you write well, & I'm kinda ... fascinated ...)

My location is 40 mins away from them in a decent sized city.

Growing up, my peers, siblings, neighbours etc lives were not like these people's. The only thing similar is that Catholic peers (at uni for example) were "encouraged" to urgently go to church when they went back home, because their parents suspected (correctly) they mostly weren't going while at uni. Aside from that (and scrubbing nails with bleach before going home so they didn't look like they were smoking), everyone was drinking, smoking dope, shagging losing their vorgjnity before marriage etc like typical young people, and not settling until later.

I didn't think two people with less than ten years between them from the same region could have such different "cultures". Hes not a practising Catholic either.

Though as posters have pointed out, it's not just his "culture", is it.

(Not that being a practising Catholic means you are automatically conservative etc. There ard obviously lots of different types of practising Catholics).

(Sorry I did really answer your question; I'd thought about moving for work etc. but had put that on the back burner because the relationship appeared to be going well (!)).

Some men would rather control a woman that trust her

And if you're at risk of falling for one of them.......... you RUN.

Good luck, OP, you're clearly too smart to get yourself roped in!

OP. Step back from this situation for a minute and really, really think.

Does this man share your values?

Does he share the same view of male / female relationship dynamics as you?

Does he make you proud to be with him?

Do you have a proper laugh together all the time?

Do you feel you can be yourself fully with him without fear of sulking or tension?

If not... what are you doing staying in a relationship with him?!

These are basic, fundamental requirements in a relationship. Not special and rare qualities but basics.

They sound like they're living in another century. Or a cult.
But he would probably be like this anyway, he could easily not be but finds it easier to control his women.

Not for you OP.

I’m from ruralest rural Ireland, @VelvetRope212, aged 49, and I don’t recognise any of this — where on earth is it? From a fairly conservative, devout background myself, and my 70something parents are still daily mass-goers, but none of us (siblings, friends, cousins) made any pretence of attending mass from our teens on, we all lost our virginities in our teens and are now (in our 40s and 50s) either cohabiting unmarried, civilly married or have lived together for years before marrying— our son wasn’t baptised, and we sent him to a secular school. It’s never been an issue. My siblings are childfree, I have one child. I don’t think anyone of my generation has more than three children, and most have two. My sisters and I are careerist. No SAHMs at all among the cousins.

Even given my parents’ generation’s conservatism (in my family), being fixated on a priest or bishop would be laughed out of them, and they one and all voted for abortion and gay marriage to be legalised, as did the majority of older people around here.

Are you in a timeslip?

Give a clue about where this is? Coastal county or inland…?

And I go out all the time solo. I go on holidays with friends — I’ve been on holiday with male friends. DH went to a sport event and dinner with a female friend last weekend.

@Verfremdungseffekt

I'll pm you, I'd rather than put it on here, I've written potentially identifiable stuff.

Also, while I've observed this to.some extent among the community; i do think perhaps his family (onc wider family) who i obviously had the most exposure to, may be at the deep end of the wedge.

Sounds like a time warp and certainly not modern day Ireland.

Bizarre.

Tbf (and I am conscious and wary of adding to a stereotype) in my forties I had a younger friend (just into her thirties) who had grown up in very rural ROI. We lived in the same thriving English city, a few years ago. I recall her astonishment that in middle age I took myself off to concerts and plays, or out to dinner alone; that I took an interest in clothes and make up and perfume, shopped in fashionable shops, read an unlimited range of classic and new literature, and ‘went out drinking’ with her.

We were each genuinely shocked and puzzled at the other’s understanding of how women were ‘allowed’ to behave. I, perhaps more so, because I’d also spent some time in ROI cities where expectations were very different.

@VelvetRope212

(Sorry I did really answer your question; I'd thought about moving for work etc. but had put that on the back burner because the relationship appeared to be going well (!)).

Thanks Velvet!

Yeah, I think you might get more satisfaction out of focusing on your career than this man ... he's just going to suffocate you, & you'll spend far too much time having to justify perfectly normal behaviours to him.

Of course I went out without my now ex husband! And he went out without me! We weren’t joined at the hip. I couldn’t be doing with a partner who thought otherwise.

ROI rural.

Sounds similar to the Russian-Lithuanian village Mrs. Hr is from, her friend was recently told she couldn't travel to come and see us without her husband.
When we visited earlier this yr, I caused quite a stir because I sat with the group of women and not the men.
These social expectations vary in strictness from group to group.

It's not my business to be telling people how to live. though.

He sounds quite set in his ways and boring.

He'd be happy if your time was devoted to him cooking, cleaning, sexing, and not going anywhere unless it was with him.

Does he live in fucking Brigadoon or something? It sounds like some 'frozen in time' town from the 1930s.

I consider myself a liberal and a 'run of the mill' feminist. I never had a serious relationship with someone whose values were so diametrically opposed to mine as your DP's are to yours. It just wasn't a workable situation. My DH was raised in a much more conservative area than I was (blue vs red) but there were only a few 'rough edges' to be polished off (lol).

Your DP has a right to feel the way he feels. But you don't have to change who you are for him. He needs to find his perfect 1950s woman, and you need to find a man who lives in the 21st century.

🤣🤣🤣 at “ fucking Brigadoon”