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Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Original poster

DH found out about a job I applied for in secret

884 replies

SecretJob · 08/11/2021 09:12

I had been making a plan to leave DH and I managed to get a job but they're still doing all the background etc checks so not started yet. DH found out about the job this weekend. I stupidly left my emails open and he saw it. I currently work for DH's business.

I have been feeling really conflicted over everything because things have been going well between us, I've been having some counselling which is helping me and I'm feeling a lot happier and calmer and I was doubting myself if I should leave or not anyway. He's good to me in a lot of ways and we have a really nice life in a lot of ways. I find it hard to make decisions or to know what I want at the best of times. I love him and we've been together a long time and I don't want to leave him, but at the same time I can't ignore that I have had this voice in my head for a while now telling me to apply for jobs, make plans, etc.

He was so angry when he found out about the job I'd got (understandably really as I'd done it behind his back), and I cried and apologised and ended up agreeing to not take the job.

I have to contact the new job today to let them know and I feel like I can't do it. I feel absolutely sick to my stomach. I don't know what to do.

OP posts:
Justilou1 · 06/12/2021 04:46

You’re terrified @SecretJob because like an abused dog will always cringe and go back to the owner that kicks and beats it, you have been trained with cruelty. You have learned to expect some kind of cruelty or punishment as a consequence for demanding your right to be treated as an equal/partner/human being. Not just by DH, but by your mum. Don’t trust her at all.

Justilou1 · 06/12/2021 04:50

Could you do yourself a favour and watch a few YouTube videos about dogs who have been neglected or abused and then rehoused after intensive therapy in a caring shelter where they are taught how to “dog” again?
You may see your future self in a smiley, happy doggy running with it’s silly tongue flapping in a doggy smile, or having it’s tummy rubbed on the couch after refusing to go near any human for months. (Seriously, if Dogs can do that after what they put up with, you can flourish!!!)

AcrossthePond55 · 06/12/2021 14:32

What happened to you was absolutely normal. You've been conditioned by him, but you can break that chain.

Right now, it's as if you are on the high dive at the pool looking down what appears to be a HUGE distance to the water, but really isn't. You can see the cool water, you really, really want to jump but fear is stopping you. You know you can do it, you know the fear isn't completely reasonable. So, you take a deep breath, straighten your spine and you step off the board into that wonderful cool, clear water. Triumph!!!

You can do this. Just step off the board.

JimHalpertsPA · 06/12/2021 20:21

Thinking of you OP, hope you're alrightx

AngelonTopoftheTree · 06/12/2021 21:24

Another one here thinking of you Secret.
Stay strong, stay safe Flowers

TiffanyBucksFizzRainbowBright · 07/12/2021 11:52

Am hoping OP is ok. Sending big hugs and strength. X

PinotPony · 07/12/2021 15:53

Hope you're ok OP and that you get another chance to leave soon. Xx

Finals1234 · 07/12/2021 16:27

I think the process of throwing things into a suitcase and not knowing what you are doing at that moment is really scary and just starts the leaving process with a feeling of being out of control.

Deciding what to take in your suitcase and packing your suitcase are two very, very different things.

When I packed in a hurry I had a very trusted friend over, and she just named things I would need and I would add them in, without questioning her.

It might be an idea to start taking some items to your flat slowly - clothes and basic toiletries etc that won't be missed or you can buy, and then over time your passport or important documents (provided they are safe there). Then have a mental list of the things you need to pack, so you are ready when the time comes. Leave any obvious items he will notice till last.

If your sister is the right person to help you, then send her the list and she can read it back to you when you are packing.

Also consider that when you do leave (and it might take a few goes, be kind to yourself) your soon-to-be ex might make it difficult for you to go back inside, so pack any valuables and sentimental items and take as much as you can with you. I regret leaving behind very sentimental jewellery.

You can do this. It might be in small steps but that is really ok, just keep moving in the right direction and you will get there.

Beketaten · 07/12/2021 17:23

Sending you lots of strength and support! Agree with others that taking things over bit by bit, getting used to the journey and to spending time alone in your new place is a really good idea. Maybe knock on a neighbour's door one day to introduce yourself, say you're moving in slowly, might make it all a bit more real.

Apologies if you've already mentioned, but do you have a new bank account that your STBXH doesn't know about, registered to your new address, for paying the rent and receiving your new salary? Can you set up a new email address, maybe get a new phone, again registered to the new address?

Poppinjay · 07/12/2021 21:08

I think there is an organisation that will arrange for your dog to be fostered until you are able to have him back.

Someone on here might know who it is.

Kakiste88 · 07/12/2021 21:58

Its called the Cinnamon Trust- there are other charities that do it as well.

SunnyHens · 07/12/2021 23:37

Thinking of you OP. I hope you’re on you’re way out of this relationship and closer to getting the new place and recovering.

SpottyBumPony · 08/12/2021 16:00

We've got your back OP Daffodil

BrightonOrLancaster · 08/12/2021 16:15

Just wanted to say OP:

If you have backtracked, if you've done a U turn on it all; you should know that it takes people several attempts, sometimes dozens of attempts. There are a lot of people on this thread and I don't want you to feel intimidated if you haven't managed to push through with it...this time. Don't feel embarrassed or ashamed if you ultimately didn't feel strong enough. There are a lot of people here who can support you in taking the time to gather your strength for another shot at it.

I say that because I sense you might have posted more in the past few (crucial?) days had you been going through with it. Don't feel you need to cut yourself off from the thread if you didnt go ahead.

TellMeItsPossible · 08/12/2021 16:40

@BrightonOrLancaster

Just wanted to say OP:

If you have backtracked, if you've done a U turn on it all; you should know that it takes people several attempts, sometimes dozens of attempts. There are a lot of people on this thread and I don't want you to feel intimidated if you haven't managed to push through with it...this time. Don't feel embarrassed or ashamed if you ultimately didn't feel strong enough. There are a lot of people here who can support you in taking the time to gather your strength for another shot at it.

I say that because I sense you might have posted more in the past few (crucial?) days had you been going through with it. Don't feel you need to cut yourself off from the thread if you didnt go ahead.

Agreed. You are doing well, no matter what that looks like from the outside. You leave in your head first, anyway.
Alcemeg · 08/12/2021 17:18

Yes, I've been thinking the same. We're hoping to make this less scary for you, OP, not give you more to worry about! x

youvegottenminuteslynn · 08/12/2021 17:22

Thinking of you, however things are going. We are all rooting for you Thanks

AngelonTopoftheTree · 09/12/2021 09:47

Thinking of you Flowers
Agree with PPs above, if you can't quite do it yet don't think you can never do it. You don't owe anyone here an update or an explanation, just take care of yourself & remember we're all here whenever you need us.

TiffanyBucksFizzRainbowBright · 09/12/2021 09:54

Yes agree - itdoesn't matter if you've changed your mind, just keep talking to us all. We are here for you. No judgement x

Mix56 · 09/12/2021 10:05

Hoping that tomorrow is the first day of the rest of your life.
You only need to fo it once
You are prepared, you have gad the strength to set it all up.
One last step to Freedom.
Go Girl

Dearblossom · 09/12/2021 10:18

Do buy a few nice treats to have on your first night, this is your new sanctuary, all yours! You've got this, onwards good lady, onwards! Flowers

Alcemeg · 09/12/2021 15:44

Good luck OP! Don't underestimate how much secret courage you have in reserve. Like someone jumping out an aeroplane in the dark over enemy territory, scrabbling your way to a safe border. You can do it!

oatmilk4breakfast · 09/12/2021 20:33

@SecretJob are you ok? Are you in your new place? Thinking about you. I'm sorry you can't trust your mum to help you. Let us support you if you want.

Monstertrucks · 09/12/2021 22:15

Very best of luck op. Find your inner strength and step into your new world... Don't look back - you CAN do it x

Hugoslavia · 09/12/2021 22:23

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