DH found out about a job I applied for in secret

[SecretJob]

I had been making a plan to leave DH and I managed to get a job but they're still doing all the background etc checks so not started yet. DH found out about the job this weekend. I stupidly left my emails open and he saw it. I currently work for DH's business.

I have been feeling really conflicted over everything because things have been going well between us, I've been having some counselling which is helping me and I'm feeling a lot happier and calmer and I was doubting myself if I should leave or not anyway. He's good to me in a lot of ways and we have a really nice life in a lot of ways. I find it hard to make decisions or to know what I want at the best of times. I love him and we've been together a long time and I don't want to leave him, but at the same time I can't ignore that I have had this voice in my head for a while now telling me to apply for jobs, make plans, etc.

He was so angry when he found out about the job I'd got (understandably really as I'd done it behind his back), and I cried and apologised and ended up agreeing to not take the job.

I have to contact the new job today to let them know and I feel like I can't do it. I feel absolutely sick to my stomach. I don't know what to do.

You did SO WELL to get that far @SecretJob and even when you didn't get to the flat, you were out of prison for a little bit.

Think of it as a dress rehearsal - you're allowed more if you need them, to get all the way to new home.

Your bag is packed - next time you can throw in something you forgot this time, even just a spare charger to make things even more solid.

How about more practise runs when you're 'dropping stuff to charity to make space for the Christmas tree'?

And lots of careful breathing. If he notices you being a bit different, tell him you're getting some new headaches and massage your neck. Google ice pick headache and use that - that'll let you be jumpy - cringe away from sound when you're really cringing away from him. Does he take you to the doctor? Excellent time to disclose that you're being abused and working on a plan to get our.

But you can do this. You're so immensely strong to have lived like this for so long and not broken. The inner you is still there, she's been compressed and that pressure has turned her into a diamond that's going to break the surface any day now.

Deep breath, run over your plan to move a few times in your head, and then do it.

Don't beat yourself up over this. As pp have said, this kind of freezing is normal. You have been conditioned to be afraid. This might be the time to involve WA for support. Even Samaritans could help - if you freeze again, you could park up and call them to see if they can talk you through it.

You will get there.

It's ok, it was a test run.

Today, sit down with a quiet cup of tea and envisage yourself in that situation again, feel those feelings again, sit in that lay-by again. Then envisage yourself starting the car, driving to your new place, walking in the door, blocking him on your phone. Then? Unpack? Enjoy a take away? Read a book? Plan that first night of liberation. Envisage it all happening.

Then the next time you see an opportunity, it will be much easier to follow through because you've already mentally gone through it. The more you see yourself leaving, the easier the reality will be.

I know it sounds daft, but I do this with all my difficult things and it really really helps.

Well done on even trying @SecretJob! As many before me have said, think of this as a trial run - you can do it, baby steps, a little bit further each time, and before you know it you'll be there.

OP you've got this and you need this. Stop worrying.

You are entitled to be who you want to be. It sounds like his has hurt you and controlled you for so long. Don't let him do that a moment longer!

You have one life. Live it!

You got your case in the car, that's a huge step!! Don't beat yourself up, compose yourself and try again when you feel ready. You can do this, we're all behind you

Well done in doing everything you have done up to now! Getting a new job and a place to live - good for you.

I remember when I got out of a very sick relationship, it took me a long while to not feel afraid... but it will happen, in time.

You had your practice run, well done! And now you know you might feel that way again, you can mentally prepare. Maybe a call to women's aid for some moral support too? Best of luck, we're all rooting for you!

I don't think your Mother will help. She is even likely to tip off your H,

Well done OP. You've come so far already and the last bit will undoubtedly be the hardest. But you CAN do it. And you MUST do it.

Look on last night as a practice run. Have a few of them if you need to.

You've had lots of offers of help from people on here. If you need that support in real life, reach out for it. I'm sure any one of us would physically come and help you if you asked. (I'm in Sussex if that is nearby)

Please just go. I’m worried that the more you think about it the harder it will get. Turn off the phone and go

Please, go. You can do it. Loads of women do it. You will eventually stop hearing his voice in your head (we've all been through it. It does stop eventually, I promise). Just do one thing at time and breathe.

Part of you thinks you don't have the right to do this.

You do, a million times over!

The trouble is that you have to get away from him in the first place, in order to start really understanding and believing this.

So actually getting there in the first place is, to put it mildly, tricky.

Well done on having a test run. Do them more often until this important step to autonomy feels less like a crime to you.

It's better to get cold feet while you still have time than you get cold feet when it's your last chance to go.

It was just a trial run. Next time you'll get further.

Oh you did really well lovely - well done you x

Small steps and be kind to yourself. After everything you've been through it may take a few more little practice runs - you are one amazing lady! Time to believe you can do this x

You'll get there Op - you deserve to be happy and live in peace & you will get that! You absolutely deserve it.

Something prompted you to try a trial run. An opportunity or a behaviour? Don't loose sight of this. No wonder you couldn't go through with it, you were leaving most of your belongings behind.

Next week the movers are coming and you will be ready. You must be absolutely terrified of getting caught. Please remember all you need to do is get your stuff out and into that van. There will be 2 or 3 or even more of you. It won't take long.

You can take as long as you like to get everything into the new place. You could event ditch your stuff and go to a hotel for a night or two if you are scared of being tagged.

This is so very hard but you are doing this. Every small step up until now has been a positive move towards your freedom. Just keep going one step at a time.

Please don't feel guilty about leaving. You do not need his permission. He has not felt bad about the way he has behaved all of this time and it's been years and years.

Make a mental list of the way you have been treated and use this as your armour. I know you don't want to be old or ill or vulnerable with this man in control of you. It really doesn't matter that he may be being 'normal' right now. You know yourself that it will be days before he shows himself again.

It is absolutely normal to get cold feet but you know it will be worse if you stay. You are so strong OP. Not long now xxx

Is there anyone (a neighbour, a friend, any family), that could drive you to your new place next week? Just in case.

@RandomMess

You can do this.

Please speak to WA and ask for their support to leave.

Do you think if you told your Mum or sister it would help you?

I've tried ringing my local WA and not been able to get through. I'm going to keep trying. I do feel like I'm at a point where I need some help.

I didn't tell my mum everything, but I saw her a couple of weeks ago and told her I was reaching a point where I felt like I couldn't carry on but she told me not to get another job and then she told him he needs to be careful because he might lose me! He ended up grilling me about why she said it. I'd love to tell my sister everything, we just barely get any time together. Especially at the minute, he's questioning me about everything as it is, he's still quite on edge.

He knows something is going on. You could have escaped last night. What on earth stopped you after all this planning?

I'm so sorry your mum is sabotaging you. It's ok, you are nearly there. It was a blip, you can do it.

When is the removals company booked? If you go with them, you can do it all in one swoop, feeling supported by having people with you.

Is there no one you can tell? No one who would come and meet you, drive you, have a cuppa on your first day?

Not another word to your Mum ever again.

You’ve been so brave @SecretJob. Can you make a list in a note on your phone of all the positive things you want when you’ve gone? You mentioned being on your own during the summer, things like that? When you need that final push re read it.

If you keep pressing the return key on the note so the first few lines are empty it will hide the contents so it looks like an empty note at first glance, just incase he picks your phone up.

Please stop telling your mother anything.

She doesn't have your best interests.

@pointythings

Don't beat yourself up over this. As pp have said, this kind of freezing is normal. You have been conditioned to be afraid. This might be the time to involve WA for support. Even Samaritans could help - if you freeze again, you could park up and call them to see if they can talk you through it.

You will get there.

I did try Samaritans too a few times and there was no answer. I think a lot of services like that are so busy at the minute.

@Eddielzzard

It's ok, it was a test run.

Today, sit down with a quiet cup of tea and envisage yourself in that situation again, feel those feelings again, sit in that lay-by again. Then envisage yourself starting the car, driving to your new place, walking in the door, blocking him on your phone. Then? Unpack? Enjoy a take away? Read a book? Plan that first night of liberation. Envisage it all happening.

Then the next time you see an opportunity, it will be much easier to follow through because you've already mentally gone through it. The more you see yourself leaving, the easier the reality will be.

I know it sounds daft, but I do this with all my difficult things and it really really helps.

That's good advice actually, thank you.

I think it took me by surprise how hard I found it. Physically hard in fact, I couldn't quite breathe properly and my heart was pounding and I was so tense and I can't take my dog and I'm devastated about it and he could tell something was wrong with me just following me from room to room but I physically couldn't smile at him or say anything to reassure him.

I think it's a good way to look at it as a practice run because even if I feel like that next time I'll be prepared for it.