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Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Original poster

DH found out about a job I applied for in secret

884 replies

SecretJob · 08/11/2021 09:12

I had been making a plan to leave DH and I managed to get a job but they're still doing all the background etc checks so not started yet. DH found out about the job this weekend. I stupidly left my emails open and he saw it. I currently work for DH's business.

I have been feeling really conflicted over everything because things have been going well between us, I've been having some counselling which is helping me and I'm feeling a lot happier and calmer and I was doubting myself if I should leave or not anyway. He's good to me in a lot of ways and we have a really nice life in a lot of ways. I find it hard to make decisions or to know what I want at the best of times. I love him and we've been together a long time and I don't want to leave him, but at the same time I can't ignore that I have had this voice in my head for a while now telling me to apply for jobs, make plans, etc.

He was so angry when he found out about the job I'd got (understandably really as I'd done it behind his back), and I cried and apologised and ended up agreeing to not take the job.

I have to contact the new job today to let them know and I feel like I can't do it. I feel absolutely sick to my stomach. I don't know what to do.

OP posts:
RandomMess · 04/12/2021 17:37

Can you speak to cinnamon trust to have your dog fostered?

Wheresmywoolyjumpers · 04/12/2021 18:14

Leave as quick as you can.

youvegottenminuteslynn · 04/12/2021 19:43

Please please don't tell your mum anything more about this until you're out and into your new place. She can't be trusted to do what is best for you, she's now made that clear. I'm so sorry.

You've got one practice run under your belt and the next step is to do it for real. I'm so excited for you to be in your new place, chilling out watching what you want to watch, having a lovely relaxing bath when you want to have it, eating your favourite food when you want to eat it and gaining independence in your new job. You have so much to look forward to ThanksThanksThanks

picklemewalnuts · 04/12/2021 19:46

He's trained you into compliance. Your physical response to being disobedient was automatic panic. You'll be ready next time. In fact, rage at how he has conditioned you to panic should power you through the next time.

50ShadesOfCatholic · 04/12/2021 22:45

@Monalotmoore

He knows something is going on. You could have escaped last night. What on earth stopped you after all this planning?
Seriously unhelpful post. Did you read what @SecretJob wrote? She froze, her heart was pounding.

It isn't helpful to drown out OP's experience with your own narrative. Real life is quite different to fantasy.

SimpsonsXmasBoogie · 04/12/2021 22:45

Is there anyone you really trust who you can call from the car when you're going? A handhold would be good.

hoveringhobbit · 04/12/2021 23:05

@PinotPony

Well done OP. You've come so far already and the last bit will undoubtedly be the hardest. But you CAN do it. And you MUST do it.

Look on last night as a practice run. Have a few of them if you need to.

You've had lots of offers of help from people on here. If you need that support in real life, reach out for it. I'm sure any one of us would physically come and help you if you asked. (I'm in Sussex if that is nearby)

I'm in North Yorkshire if you need help.
grapewine · 04/12/2021 23:19

You'll get there. But don't say anything more to your mother. She is not your side in this.

Kakiste88 · 05/12/2021 00:48

Its so hard, I know. Take a moment to imagine how wonderful it will be to not have to be scared anymore. He caused that panic in you by years of conditioning and grinding you down. Once you're free you wont ever have to be under the same roof as him again, if you choose to only communicate by emails then you never have to take another phonecall from him.

All the best- your new home and life await.

biwinoone · 05/12/2021 01:01

I don't know but his calling you when you are out like this seems a bit suspicious. Are you sure he is not tracking you, either on your phone or your car? Can you get a spare phone and hide it? Just get all the numbers on it that you need and turn this phone off when you leave next time? Hopefully you will be able to go through it next time.

biwinoone · 05/12/2021 01:02

Where do you live OP? May be someone from MN who lives closer to you can help you?

Mix56 · 05/12/2021 08:06

Maybe you could go by uber? Leave your car at your normal supermarket, then uber to the flat.
He cant track you, & you're not physically driving to the flat
Just an idea

Oh & If he checks your bank operations, then you'll have to use your new bank account

SimpsonsXmasBoogie · 05/12/2021 08:25

@Mix56

Maybe you could go by uber? Leave your car at your normal supermarket, then uber to the flat. He cant track you, & you're not physically driving to the flat Just an idea

Oh & If he checks your bank operations, then you'll have to use your new bank account

This is a great idea
Billybagpuss · 05/12/2021 08:30

Do you often get a few hours to yourself? Maybe one day go around to your flat for a visit, get yourself a cuppa, sit down for an hour in front of Netflix. You could even buy a plant for the kitchen. Make the bolt hole more familiar to you. So far the associations with it are quite stressful it’s like the end of the rainbow that you never quite reach and you’re always pulled back in the other direction. Start making little trips there so it becomes more normal. Baby steps you can do this. 💐

stayathomegardener · 05/12/2021 12:37

That's a great idea @Billybagpuss

Monalotmoore · 05/12/2021 12:40

I'm concerned about this latest turn of events. There's rent to be paid and a new just to start that you won't be able to keep hidden for long.

Monalotmoore · 05/12/2021 12:40

Job not just

smoko · 05/12/2021 12:59

The person criticising OP for not leaving last night should pull their heads in.

Doesn't anyone remember kidnap victims Jaycee Lee Dugard? Or the Cleveland House of Horror women?

In both cases there were opportunities for the victims to leave, which they did not take at the time - because humans are creatures of habit & we become used to the abusive situation - because the familiar is known & that's more comfortable than the scary unknown.

She knows he is going to go off when he realises she is gone. It's a dangerous time & if she wasn't ready then so be it. She will leave when she is able & ready.

The OP has had so many aspects of her life controlled, it's fantasy to assume the OP is going to just ride off into the night laughing & saying "so long, sucker!" at her shitty ex.

The OP has frozen which is a completely understandable reaction & she will leave when she is ready.

Boonlark · 05/12/2021 13:02

So it sounds like a panic it will probably be easier to go if you have someone to meet up with

ChargingBuck · 05/12/2021 14:36

This reply has been deleted

Message deleted by MNHQ. Here's a link to our Talk guidelines.

Monalotmoore · 05/12/2021 14:47

Keep your potty mouth to yourself dear xx

Monalotmoore · 05/12/2021 14:50

When you run the site you can tell people what do do. I'd recommend evening primrose for your anger issues though Hun x

pointythings · 05/12/2021 15:13

Let's all not forget that this thread is here to support OP and give her the resolution to leave - whenever that resolution comes. Squabbling among ourselves is completely counterproductive.

Monalotmoore · 05/12/2021 15:26

@pointythings

Let's all not forget that this thread is here to support OP and give her the resolution to leave - whenever that resolution comes. Squabbling among ourselves is completely counterproductive.
Precisely, I only asked a question because I genuinely didn't understand what was happening. The response was to be bullied off the thread by someone with a case of potty mouth which unlike my genuine mistake was an intentional personal attack.
BlueLorikeet · 05/12/2021 23:06

Sorry OP, don’t know your full back story and all of the circumstances, but as someone suggested above, can you visit the new place for one hour a day to make it less scary? You could even take that suitcase and leave it there, then bring stuff little by little - documents photographs couple of other things that won’t be missed in the old house?