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Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Original poster

Ex searched MY HOUSE

136 replies

Double3xposure · 07/11/2021 14:57

I came home from the supermarket at lunchtime today to discover my ex husband in my house searching through all my cupboards, drawers and work paperwork ( I work from home ) looking for a car key. My teenagers had let him in because he said it was an emergency.

I managed to stay calm enough to not shout at him . I spoke to him without the kids present and asked him how on Earth he thought it was appropriate. He was just rude to me and walked out the door, shouting behind him to tell me to look for his key.

Background - he walked out on our 22 year marriage in earlier this year to live with his affair partner.

I still live in the FMH with our children, who are 16 and 18. I have 100% residence of them . I have already bought him out the FMH some months ago - he doesn’t own it or have any legal rights to it at all.

We are not divorced yet but in process.

We are NOT on friendly terms. When he picks up the kids for them to visit him, he waits in the car. He has only set foot in this house once since he moved out , when he asked ( in front of the kids ) if he could use my bathroom. So of course I said yes to be civil.

I have never been inside his new house - I drop the kids at the door and drive off.

When he does speak to me in front of the kids, he can barely be civil (much like today ). I never speak to him alone in person or on the phone as he’s so rude . All divorce stuff and anything about the kids is done by email.

His “ emergency “ is that he left his keys for his main car at the office so he can’t drive it until tomorrow when it opens. However he does have a work vehicle which he is allowed to use for private journeys and he’s been driving that this weekend.

He couldn’t find his spare car keys in his own house and decided that they might still be in my house . So he drove here ( In the work vehicle ) when I was out and spent an hour ( at least ) searching my place, going through all my office paperwork, personal and legal documents , goodness knows what else .

I am raging. Tell me how to deal with this please. I have a patio and a spade but it needs to be legal I’m afraid.

OP posts:
BornInAThunderstorm · 07/11/2021 15:02

Lock change to start with. No further advice as I dont know the law but Im raging on your behalf op.

Pumpkinsonparade · 07/11/2021 15:04

Tell your dc he is to stay out....

REignbow · 07/11/2021 15:05

Yes I agree change the locks and have a discussion with your DC. Even if he asks to enter the house, he is not to when you are not present.

IMO, i don’t think he was looking for a spare car key, but was snooping.

I would be livid and would write him an email telling him that he has no right to enter the home without your express permission.

RandomMess · 07/11/2021 15:07

You need to tell your DC that he isn't to step inside the house ever again without your express permission including emergencies.

sueelleker · 07/11/2021 15:07

@BornInAThunderstorm

Lock change to start with. No further advice as I dont know the law but Im raging on your behalf op.
Changing locks won't help if your children let him in. Was he looking for information he could use against you in the divorce?
Original poster
Double3xposure · 07/11/2021 15:08

Locks change won’t work as he doesn't have a key. The kids let him in because he told them it was an emergency, he got then told help him search through my things.

OP posts:
Avarua · 07/11/2021 15:09

You're clearly very angry. But for the sake of your kids and the fact that one day in the near future you might need him to be cooperative or at least kind, just let it go. You've made your point. He knows you don't want him in the house again and so do your kids. Writing emails or whatever is just petty.

CheshireChat · 07/11/2021 15:12

I disagree, something in writing cements your position and he'd also have a harder time denying it happened.

Talk to your kids to not let him in alone again though.

category12 · 07/11/2021 15:13

You just need to calmly talk to your dc and say that their dad asked them to do something inappropriate and it' not OK for him to come in and treat your house like his own, anymore, although you sympathise and understand why they couldn't say no to their dad. And if there's ever a next time, they need to call you.

As for him, I would remind him in writing that the house isn't his and he has no right to come in without your permission.

TrevorFountain · 07/11/2021 15:13

Tbh you need to impress on your DC never to let him in again, no matter how awkward or embarrassing. Just a plain No. He has no legitimate 'emergencies' involving you or your home that are in any way your circus.

They're 18 and 16. They're old enough now. Do you have a window, or a spy hole? They don't even need to answer the door.

Did you change the locks after he'd gone?

HollowTalk · 07/11/2021 15:14

That must be really distressing. It's such an invasion of your privacy.

Your kids need to be told how upset you are and that he isn't allowed in again.

Original poster
Double3xposure · 07/11/2021 15:14

Was he looking for information he could use against you in the divorce?

He might have been looking for my business bank statements. He wants to know about it but my solicitor has said they are not relevant because it was set up after he left ( this is the law where I live ).

In case you are wondering, it’s a tiny business that will make W Lord this year and perhaps £5k next year. So not very relevant to a man who earns over £150k a year.

But he hates that I can say no to him. So I think the invasion today was about breaking down my boundaries as much as anything else.

OP posts:
category12 · 07/11/2021 15:15

They're 18 and 16. They're old enough now. Do you have a window, or a spy hole? They don't even need to answer the door.

Oh come on, of course they're going to answer the door to their dad.

Jsku · 07/11/2021 15:15

Infuriating as it is - there is nothing you can do at this point.
You can tell you kids - who are old enough by now - to not let him without asking you. But you must realise that they are in a difficult place on that - because regardless of what happened in your relationship - he is still their father and they grew up in that house with both of you. So for them - it’s harder to see the boundaries of property ownership.

I’d also encourage you to proceed with divorce paperwork. Because - while you aren’t divorced - technically all assets are joint in a way. Even if you have the paper saying the house is yours.
He’d not be considered trespassing in this case.

Original poster
Double3xposure · 07/11/2021 15:18

@Avarua

You're clearly very angry. But for the sake of your kids and the fact that one day in the near future you might need him to be cooperative or at least kind, just let it go. You've made your point. He knows you don't want him in the house again and so do your kids. Writing emails or whatever is just petty.
He knew before that I don’t want him in my house. He’s not said one civil word to me since before he left. He’s not been kind or cooperative to me in years.

He didn’t do it because he thought it was ok and now I’ve explained , he won’t do it again. He knows and he doesn’t care.

It’s a power game.

OP posts:
TrevorFountain · 07/11/2021 15:20

Sorry x-posted, OP.

SouthsideSally · 07/11/2021 15:21

You can not tell your children to tell their father that he is not welcome in their home. You would be putting them in an extremely difficult position. This is your business and his business and as adults you should be dealing with it without involving the children. Even older children are affected adversely by this kind of parental conflict. If you don't want him in the house you have to make it clear to him yourself that this is the case and ask him not to ask the children to let you in.

Original poster
Double3xposure · 07/11/2021 15:22

I’d also encourage you to proceed with divorce paperwork. Because - while you aren’t divorced - technically all assets are joint in a way. Even if you have the paper saying the house is yours. He’d not be considered trespassing in this case

I am indeed proceeding. But no he doesn't own the house and I don’t own his. It’s not a joint asset, I bought him out. That really is the law I can assure you.

I know it’s not trespassing as the kids let him in. But it’s not OK. I’d not go into his place and spend an hour looking through OWs underwear drawer in case he took my driving license by mistake.

I’d ask him if he had it and if he said no, I’d apply for a new one.

OP posts:
agent765 · 07/11/2021 15:24

Install a camera/doorbell like Nest or Arlo that will send alerts to your phone.

It won't stop the kids letting him in but at least you'll know to get home quicker or to ring the kids to tell them not to let him in.

I feel your pain, OP.

AnonyMum21 · 07/11/2021 15:27

Wow - I’m angry for you!
Think you handled it really well actually
But probably just ensuring he and, most importantly, the kids are aware it can’t happen again is about all you can realistically do
Go and punch a few pillows…

Original poster
Double3xposure · 07/11/2021 15:27

@SouthsideSally

You can not tell your children to tell their father that he is not welcome in their home. You would be putting them in an extremely difficult position. This is your business and his business and as adults you should be dealing with it without involving the children. Even older children are affected adversely by this kind of parental conflict. If you don't want him in the house you have to make it clear to him yourself that this is the case and ask him not to ask the children to let you in.
He knows I don’t want him in the house.

I told him that he shouldn’t have asked the children.

I told him that I was really angry that he had done that.

I asked him how he would feel if I went to his place and searched it.

He replied in a mocking way

“ Oh you always enjoy giving me a telling off don’t you. I’m going now, don’t forget to look for that key “. And slammed my door on the way out.

So I don’t see how asking him not to do it again will work.

OP posts:
Jsku · 07/11/2021 15:31

I didn’t say it was OK, or that the house is a joint asset. But it’s a grey zone. If you were to die right now - it’ll be treated as joint. For eg.

So - I understand you anger. I have gone through a difficult divorce and had nightmares imagining Ex showing up at my place. I’d be similarly angry.

All I am saying is the sooner you get out of the grey zone with financials - the sooner you’ll get your life and independence bqck.

Nillynally · 07/11/2021 15:33

Find that key, and film yourself flushing it down the toilet and send it to him. Only joking but it would be fun

Notaroadrunner · 07/11/2021 15:39

Your kids are old enough to understand that you have a hostile relationship with their asshole dad. So tell them in no uncertain terms that he is never to set foot in your house again. They are old enough to organise their own relationship with him, get to and from his house unless either of you live in the arsehole of nowehere with no public transport. Make sure to tell your solicitor that you caught him snooping through your house.

Notaroadrunner · 07/11/2021 15:40

Also, don't waste one second looking for his stupid key.