Ex searched MY HOUSE

[Double3xposure]

I came home from the supermarket at lunchtime today to discover my ex husband in my house searching through all my cupboards, drawers and work paperwork ( I work from home ) looking for a car key. My teenagers had let him in because he said it was an emergency.

I managed to stay calm enough to not shout at him . I spoke to him without the kids present and asked him how on Earth he thought it was appropriate. He was just rude to me and walked out the door, shouting behind him to tell me to look for his key.

Background - he walked out on our 22 year marriage in earlier this year to live with his affair partner.

I still live in the FMH with our children, who are 16 and 18. I have 100% residence of them . I have already bought him out the FMH some months ago - he doesn’t own it or have any legal rights to it at all.

We are not divorced yet but in process.

We are NOT on friendly terms. When he picks up the kids for them to visit him, he waits in the car. He has only set foot in this house once since he moved out , when he asked ( in front of the kids ) if he could use my bathroom. So of course I said yes to be civil.

I have never been inside his new house - I drop the kids at the door and drive off.

When he does speak to me in front of the kids, he can barely be civil (much like today ). I never speak to him alone in person or on the phone as he’s so rude . All divorce stuff and anything about the kids is done by email.

His “ emergency “ is that he left his keys for his main car at the office so he can’t drive it until tomorrow when it opens. However he does have a work vehicle which he is allowed to use for private journeys and he’s been driving that this weekend.

He couldn’t find his spare car keys in his own house and decided that they might still be in my house . So he drove here ( In the work vehicle ) when I was out and spent an hour ( at least ) searching my place, going through all my office paperwork, personal and legal documents , goodness knows what else .

I am raging. Tell me how to deal with this please. I have a patio and a spade but it needs to be legal I’m afraid.

He sounds like a really awful man.

I think you should seriously consider co operating with the police.

It must be pretty bad for them to be so keen.

So often people are told it mighten hold up in court.

Well done for telling the police. I think some posters have been distracted by the fact he is you husband and used to live there, and have minimised him getting in to your home and going through your things.

As pp have said, if a neghbour / friend / colleague / complete stranger came in to your home - invited in by your DC - and then went through your cupboards and drawers, would people say 'well your DC invited them in so it must have been OK'?

Of course not. He had no right to go through your things. And he would know that. He is controlling, agressive, arrogant, selfish, entitled, and angry that he is no longer able to order you around.

Even if the lost key was an urgent issue he had no right to do that. At the very least, in those circumstances, a decent person would have contacted you and asked if they could come and look as it was an emergency.

I was going to suggest that you get your solicitor to write to him to the effect that 'You must not under any circumstances enter the family home unless invited to by Double, or with Double's agreement, and under no circumstances (and this shouldn't need saying) are you to go through drawers, cupboards or personal possessions. If this is ignored this will become a Police matter'

Given your recent conversation with Police your solicitor may advise on if that's the right way to go though.

He must know the Police are aware of him, and mention of them may get the wind up him enought o stop him trying it again.

But this revelation surely puts you in an even more vulnerable position. What if he enters the house again when the kids aren't there and you have no witnessess? I understand this must be a shock but I really think you should engage with the police as a matter of urgency and seek their help in getting safety measures in place. He obviously feels untouchable.

That is utterly chilling is it worth writing down everything through the course of your relationship and seeing if it's enough for the police to charge (coercive control perhaps) or at least get an order against him.

I would be getting professionals in to sweep for camera/microphone!

@Double3xposure - re: known to the police. I think after Saville they changed the way they do things, and are now much more attuned to the fact that they need to look for patterns of behaviour. I have seen cases where the build up of complaints, even in each does not seem major and would not be enough to arrest someone, can lead to charges being brought. So a lot of 'clever' abusers who feel they can get away with stuff will hopefully find themselves caught out and facing the consequences of their actions.

Ps - sorry for how you are feeling - it is shocking to find out that we have been abused when we did not see it that way at the time. Of course, it is psychologically helpful that we do this - it helps us go on rather than collapse - but then it does leave us with a lot to deal with when we get away.

Wow. Just, wow. (The police).

Has the solicitor sent a letter?

It must have been a shock of him being known to police already, but I imagine it's quite validating that those gut instincts that are telling you he's not to be trusted are true.

I'd follow police advice - if they want you to go further, you should strongly consider that. They don't tell you someone is dangerous for the fun of it.

Op - you are really impressive.

Your duck-management sounds excellent too.

Please do listen to the police and really think about precautions - even if you still imagine him to be 'respectable'.

Everyone says that it is the leaving of such a man that is the most dangerous time. It sounds as if (despite the ongoing divorce) he is only now realising that his power over you is slipping away.

It sounds as if (despite the ongoing divorce) he is only now realising that his power over you is slipping away

I think this is exactly right.

I don’t think he planted any electronic devices . It’s not really his style as he doesn't actually give a fuck what I do with my time. He can ( and does ) ask the kids anyway but there’s not much to tell - my life is really boring. Home, works kids - that’s it ATM.

I think he was really REALLY angry that he had misplaced his spare key and so it MUST be my fault. Even though we don’t live together. Because everything in his life that’s gone wrong for decades has been MY FAULT one way or another and MY JOB to fix it.

He was incensed that he couldn't make me do what he wanted ( search for his key and find it ). He is so used to controlling me and my time.

If he wanted me to do something , I had to drop everything and do it immediately. He wouldn’t think twice about asking me to leave work ( taking emergency leave ) to do something non urgent for him. Of course he always construed it as an emergency.

In his mind what he wanted ( however trivial ) was more important that my stupid pointless pin money job ( in his opinion ).

He is also very angry that he no longer has the right to come into this house and do what he likes.

So I think the whole incident wasn’t about a key or access to a car. It was his loss of control - over me and over what used to be his house.

We were both his property and we are not any more. He’s losing his power.

He’s also losing control over the children due to their ages, and the fact that they are getting wise to his controlling them through money.

He is such an awful man.

Please think about co operating with the police.