Ex searched MY HOUSE

[Double3xposure]

I came home from the supermarket at lunchtime today to discover my ex husband in my house searching through all my cupboards, drawers and work paperwork ( I work from home ) looking for a car key. My teenagers had let him in because he said it was an emergency.

I managed to stay calm enough to not shout at him . I spoke to him without the kids present and asked him how on Earth he thought it was appropriate. He was just rude to me and walked out the door, shouting behind him to tell me to look for his key.

Background - he walked out on our 22 year marriage in earlier this year to live with his affair partner.

I still live in the FMH with our children, who are 16 and 18. I have 100% residence of them . I have already bought him out the FMH some months ago - he doesn’t own it or have any legal rights to it at all.

We are not divorced yet but in process.

We are NOT on friendly terms. When he picks up the kids for them to visit him, he waits in the car. He has only set foot in this house once since he moved out , when he asked ( in front of the kids ) if he could use my bathroom. So of course I said yes to be civil.

I have never been inside his new house - I drop the kids at the door and drive off.

When he does speak to me in front of the kids, he can barely be civil (much like today ). I never speak to him alone in person or on the phone as he’s so rude . All divorce stuff and anything about the kids is done by email.

His “ emergency “ is that he left his keys for his main car at the office so he can’t drive it until tomorrow when it opens. However he does have a work vehicle which he is allowed to use for private journeys and he’s been driving that this weekend.

He couldn’t find his spare car keys in his own house and decided that they might still be in my house . So he drove here ( In the work vehicle ) when I was out and spent an hour ( at least ) searching my place, going through all my office paperwork, personal and legal documents , goodness knows what else .

I am raging. Tell me how to deal with this please. I have a patio and a spade but it needs to be legal I’m afraid.

I know you don’t want to but I would seriously consider the lockable filing cabinet. He will come back with another excuse and your DC will be physically pushed aside so that he can get his own way.

@Lachimolala

I’d report it to the police, fair enough he was let in but if you explain to the police that he was snooping on private property and verbally abused you on his way out I’d bet they’d want to have a word with him. At least then it will be logged and you’ll have a crime reference number. You’d also have the added bonus of having the last laugh.

Also bollocks was he looking for any key,

as absolutely snooping the arrogant prick.

Definitely speak to your kids about this, at 16 and 18 they will definitely understand to not let dad in and to respect your boundaries and your home.

Also second getting the ring doorbell, my ring doorbell has caught my ex snooping through my windows several times.

He intimidated your sons to enter the house and then went seaching through YOUR.

There is NO way this is not a police matter.

Inwould report it and ask for them to call to his place of work.

That is how you deal with men like that.

I would be apoplectic.

He had no right to be rifling through your property.

I most certainly wouldn't let this go.

Call the police on 101 and ask to report it.

OP, after you sort the letter, have a good look for the key. If you do find it, you could either pass it to him as is, or you could accidentally-on-purpose take it apart and leave the battery out for at least 15 minutes, then reassemble. Doing this would mean the key has to be re-programmed to the vehicle before it can be used.

Thanks for all the helpful posts, I am reading them all.

BTW I think he is telling the truth that he has left his key at work. It’s just that “ having to drive the work van for 48 hours instead of your own car “ is not an emergency in my books.

He’s angry because he is not in 100% control of me any longer.

He’s angry that his key is misplaced and he can’t blame me for it (because everything is always my fault ).

He’s angry that he can’t force me to immediately stop what I’m doing and spend hours searching my house.

He’s angry that I get to control who comes in this house and not him.

He’s has 20 years of his wishes always coming ahead of everyone else’s needs. He’s used to always getting his own way. If he wants something he has to have it NOW. Everyone has to jump.

The problem is that he used and abused your children. There's no way my children would allow their dad in unless it was a true emergency and they had called him.
if I came home and found him going through my stuff I wold have gone ape shit, they are not small children, one is an adult. They need to see you will not tolerate this and that it's out of order.
I would be have a conversation with them about how their dad had abused his position.
Yeah I know it won't be a popular opinion , but there nothing wrong with them seeing him for who he is.
If you find that key, break it!

OP read about abusive men, he's the demand man! I know I divorced one.

I'd have your solicitor send him a firm letter, copying in his solicitor.

OMG OP I'm livid on your behalf. Fucking wanker!

You need to remind the kids not to let him in. They are old enough to know why. If they feel uncomfortable saying no to him get them to say to him they have to phone you first.

Also get a Ring doorbell!

My ex and I are friendly (now) but I still can't wait to sell the family home and have my own place.

"I don't know whether you've not read all of the OPs posts, or you struggle with comprehension, but it isn't a grey area nor would the house be considered as joint if she died. She Bought Him Out. The House Is All Hers.."

It would though. If he died, she could make a claim on his house, or any of his property; same as he could make a claim on his former home which she now fully owns. Not because it was his former home, but as they are still married.

@Double3xposure

Thanks for all the helpful posts, I am reading them all.

BTW I think he is telling the truth that he has left his key at work. It’s just that “ having to drive the work van for 48 hours instead of your own car “ is not an emergency in my books.

He’s angry because he is not in 100% control of me any longer.

He’s angry that his key is misplaced and he can’t blame me for it (because everything is always my fault ).

He’s angry that he can’t force me to immediately stop what I’m doing and spend hours searching my house.

He’s angry that I get to control who comes in this house and not him.

He’s has 20 years of his wishes always coming ahead of everyone else’s needs. He’s used to always getting his own way. If he wants something he has to have it NOW. Everyone has to jump.

I'm so sorry. Your ex is a knobber. Make sure your kids know it's not their fault, but that dad can't be let in again. And get it put in writing to him. Then try not to be unsettled by it for long - as that's what he wants. Hope the divorce is finalised ASAP for you. Glad you're away from him now.

If have a look to check nothing is missing, check computers for spyware and even search for any potential hidden cameras. Take no chances.

Tell the children that he is not allowed in your house. And keep any private documents in a locked safe or drawer.

I'd also speak to the police. So that if he repeats the behaviour then they have a record of it happening before and him being told it wasn't on.

@Avarua

You're clearly very angry. But for the sake of your kids and the fact that one day in the near future you might need him to be cooperative or at least kind, just let it go. You've made your point. He knows you don't want him in the house again and so do your kids. Writing emails or whatever is just petty.

It's not petty. It's setting out clear boundaries in writing that no one can argue with. They will still argue, but at least they can't pretend they didn't know. It's what many divorced/separated women have to do to try and stop their ex from riding roughshod over them and their autonomy.

Is there any chance he has planted a camera?

It might be worth storing all paperwork related to your purchase of house etc with your solicitor or somewhere out of the house for the time being.

@AffableApple

"I don't know whether you've not read all of the OPs posts, or you struggle with comprehension, but it isn't a grey area nor would the house be considered as joint if she died. She Bought Him Out. The House Is All Hers.."

It would though. If he died, she could make a claim on his house, or any of his property; same as he could make a claim on his former home which she now fully owns. Not because it was his former home, but as they are still married.

No he can’t, because we are separated. We can’t make any claim on each other’s homes as these transactions were done after we separated.

This was all done with clear legal advice at the time.

But even if there was some right to claim in the event of death , it’s not relevant here . Because neither of us is dead.

And he’s not making a claim In court for half of my assets because he is financially dependent on me and otherwise he would be homeless. Or because my children are on the streets.

He doesn't have the right to walk in here and take anything he wants.

Otherwise would I have the right to go into his house and take his furniture because it’s legally mine?

And if that’s true ( that we still own everything jointly ) then he would have no right to take the car key ( even if he had found it ) because it’s actually the key to half my car . Does he even have the right to drive it if it’s half mine ?

It’s ridiculous.

@MrsMoastyToasty

Is there any chance he has planted a camera?

I’d not thought of that. I’d check but I don’t know how.

Will Google.

Thanks

@SunshineCake1

I have read the posts - they are still legally married. And recently gone through divorce. So - my lawyers made it very clear that until everything is signed, and last decree is approved by the court - if any of spouses die - the other one inherits all. Like in a regular marriage.

But the legal point doesn’t matter really. She is rightfully angry but there is nothing she can do.

He shouldn’t put the kids in that situation.

@Eviebeans

It might be worth storing all paperwork related to your purchase of house etc with your solicitor or somewhere out of the house for the time being.

Thank you for that, but I’ve already done so. It’s at a friend's , along with my spare house / car keys and all other legal documents ( which is why he couldn’t find the box in my house today ).

I did it before he moved out in case he took them. Because Mumsnet told me to and I listened.

🐥🐥🐥🐥🐥🐥🐥🐥.

"He doesn't have the right to walk in here and take anything he wants."

Quite right, my apologies. I got bogged down with one poster being unnecessarily rude to another. But it's not about that, it's about what you said above. I hope your solicitor can put some fear into him so he stays away from your home

[quote Jsku]@SunshineCake1

I have read the posts - they are still legally married. And recently gone through divorce. So - my lawyers made it very clear that until everything is signed, and last decree is approved by the court - if any of spouses die - the other one inherits all. Like in a regular marriage.

But the legal point doesn’t matter really. She is rightfully angry but there is nothing she can do.[/quote]
That might be relevant if @Jsku and I were divorcing in the same jurisdiction AND your lawyers were aware of my own situation AND I was dead.

But I’m pretty sure that we are not and they are not and I’m not.

But yes you are right I’m angry. I’m fucking furious.

@AffableApple

"He doesn't have the right to walk in here and take anything he wants."

Quite right, my apologies. I got bogged down with one poster being unnecessarily rude to another. But it's not about that, it's about what you said above. I hope your solicitor can put some fear into him so he stays away from your home

I have tried to be reasonable. I thought he could be civil at least in front of the children, for their sakes. I really didn’t want to be confrontational.

I don’t want to ban him from my property and make him stand in the street . But I’ve given an inch and he’s taken a mile.

Update - It’s now dawned on him 🤦🏼‍♀️ that being agressivly rude to someone and then asking them to do you a big favour is not very clever. So he’s left me a voicemail ( I rarely pick up to him as he’s so nasty ) asking again for me to look for his key.

Then he’s had some other family members call me - I didn’t pick up and they left no message. Flying monkeys I assume.

It’s a hell of a lot of fuss over having the drive the work van for a few more hours. I can only assume he has a hot date tonight and doenst fancy turning up in a van 😂😂😂

Please call 101 OP. If he’s done it once, then he’ll feel entitled to do so again.

Personally, I’d bloody move house as although legally it is yours he still feels like it’s still his home!

That’s soooooooo not your problem! Put your phone on aeroplane mode and pour yourself a large

Jog on arsehole.