Ex searched MY HOUSE

[Double3xposure]

I came home from the supermarket at lunchtime today to discover my ex husband in my house searching through all my cupboards, drawers and work paperwork ( I work from home ) looking for a car key. My teenagers had let him in because he said it was an emergency.

I managed to stay calm enough to not shout at him . I spoke to him without the kids present and asked him how on Earth he thought it was appropriate. He was just rude to me and walked out the door, shouting behind him to tell me to look for his key.

Background - he walked out on our 22 year marriage in earlier this year to live with his affair partner.

I still live in the FMH with our children, who are 16 and 18. I have 100% residence of them . I have already bought him out the FMH some months ago - he doesn’t own it or have any legal rights to it at all.

We are not divorced yet but in process.

We are NOT on friendly terms. When he picks up the kids for them to visit him, he waits in the car. He has only set foot in this house once since he moved out , when he asked ( in front of the kids ) if he could use my bathroom. So of course I said yes to be civil.

I have never been inside his new house - I drop the kids at the door and drive off.

When he does speak to me in front of the kids, he can barely be civil (much like today ). I never speak to him alone in person or on the phone as he’s so rude . All divorce stuff and anything about the kids is done by email.

His “ emergency “ is that he left his keys for his main car at the office so he can’t drive it until tomorrow when it opens. However he does have a work vehicle which he is allowed to use for private journeys and he’s been driving that this weekend.

He couldn’t find his spare car keys in his own house and decided that they might still be in my house . So he drove here ( In the work vehicle ) when I was out and spent an hour ( at least ) searching my place, going through all my office paperwork, personal and legal documents , goodness knows what else .

I am raging. Tell me how to deal with this please. I have a patio and a spade but it needs to be legal I’m afraid.

Your kids are old enough to understand that you have a hostile relationship with their asshole dad. No, they're really not.

@category12

They're 18 and 16. They're old enough now. Do you have a window, or a spy hole? They don't even need to answer the door.

Oh come on, of course they're going to answer the door to their dad.

They need to not.

They need to understand why not.

They're old enough to not open a door.

@Avarua

Your kids are old enough to understand that you have a hostile relationship with their asshole dad. No, they're really not.

They're old enough to understand their dad is not respecting boundaries.

Get a lockable filing cabinet and keep all your private paperwork in there.
If he was looking for something (not his keys) he might try again.

I would be inclined to call 101 (f you are in the UK) for advise as well.

Also, if you suspect that he was looking for some financial information from your business, I would be inclined to keep anything in a safe etc and make sure that you have very secure passwords etc.

@IveGotASongThatllGetOnYNerves

Get a lockable filing cabinet and keep all your private paperwork in there. If he was looking for something (not his keys) he might try again.

Yes this, or lock a room when you're out

I agree with IveGotASongThatllGetOnYNerves and rrhuth lockable boxes ones that screw down into draws, lockable filing cabinetlroom with lockable door if possible.

Other than tell your DC going forward no to let him in and see if there's anything to be done legally - I doubt it but you never know- talk to your solicitor about it.

I am raging. Tell me how to deal with this please. I have a patio and a spade but it needs to be legal I’m afraid.

Rookie error . Never use your own grounds or implements, & always outsource the labour aspect.

More seriously OP - fucksake! I want to lamp the cheeky fucker.
Using the kids to gain access to your home & rifle through your property ... ggggrrrr.

His car key excuse may even be real. Doesn't make it believable that he needed to gain access to your house & arrogantly assume he's allowed to touch & nose at your stuff though.
He could have rung the kids & got them to look - or you.
It's obvious he chose this route as some kind of dominance display. A demonstration to you he can just rock up, & you won't make a fuss so as not to upset the DC?

Dealing with it - right now, do NOTHING. Keep your dignity, don't allow him the satisfaction of knowing he has ruffled your feathers.

Next time - don't allow him to use the kids as his 'human shield. Allow yourself to show some of your actual feelings. They are old enough to hear it!
Something like "what are you doing in my house - are you feeling the need to ransack my private documents again?"
Shows him he cannot manipulate you via the kids.
Shows the kids that mum is a kickass, who maintains her rights, & is not walked over by a man.

I do understand how ... disproportionately enraging these small power-plays from manipulators are OP. (See today's thread about the OP's DM deliberately mis-naming her own grandson!) You are not wrong to stand your ground, & you no longer need to conceal your displeasure from your own teenage DC.

If your Ex doesn't like being called out for being a dick, he needs to stop acting like a dick.
It won't do your kids any harm to hear that.

here is a prescription from Dr Buck xx

@Avarua

You're clearly very angry. But for the sake of your kids and the fact that one day in the near future you might need him to be cooperative or at least kind, just let it go. You've made your point. He knows you don't want him in the house again and so do your kids. Writing emails or whatever is just petty.

Disagree hugely, @Avarua

Entering someone's home & ransacking their private documents as a wind-up is petty.

Expressing displeasure about that act is not petty.

HTH

Check nothing is missing

Could he have gained access to your computer? Check for spy warehouse and keyloggers

My ex tried to get snooping equipment into my home kept giving the kids a toy thst needed a charger said to them to keep it plugged in all the time it had something in it that was voice activated the police said I couldn't prove he intended to listen to my conversations 😒 and it could have been a "misunderstanding"

When I was married to him he never respected any of my boundaries. It didn’t matter how carefully and reasonably I explained anything. I’ve spent two decades “explaining” to him.

I had to hide things from him. Everything from my car and house keys ( because he’d just take my car if he couldn’t find his) to my bank statements . Even a bar of Chocolate .

The paperwork for the house insurance or the car MOT - he’d go through it looking for something else he'd lost and throw it away or stuff it in a bag somewhere . Then I’d spend days looking for it.

We had to get the locks replaced on the back door once because he insisted in keeping all three copies of the door key together and then he lost them.

After that I kept a master set at a friends house AND hid mine from him,

I can’t eat gluten so occasionally I’d treat myself with a piece of expensive Gf cake from a fancy bakery. I’d have to hide that too or he’d eat it.

He would take money from my purse because he “ needed cash “ and I’d have no money to give the kids for school lunch.

He’d take my car without telling me, run it really low on petrol and then I’d be late to pick up the kids / get to work because I had to stop for petrol ( we lived in a village with no petrol station nearby ).

I swear he would have worn my underwear if his was dirty if only it fitted him.

I’ve spent years hiding things and locking them away and I’m not going to fucking do it anymore. I’m living in freedom now ( or so I thought ).

But he hates that I can say no to him. So I think the invasion today was about breaking down my boundaries as much as anything else.

Ah.

In which case ... belay my "do nothing ... dignity" spiel upthread.

Solicitor's letter on Monday:

"Dear Fuckwit

On [date] you entered Double's private residence without permission, claiming an "emergency", & took it upon yourself to look through her private correspondence.

While we can only speculate as to your motivation for wishing to read her personal & financial documents, we are sceptical that it was in any way related to your so-called emergency about a car key.

We write to remind you that you have no rights of access to Double's residence, & to warn you that manipulating your children to allow you into the property despite their knowledge that their mother does not wish you there is detrimental to their wellbeing & would be viewed in a poor light should it be raised in Court.

Out client will not be taking the matter any further unless you take it upon yourself to invade her private residence again.

Up yours,
Sue Grabbit & Runne"

Your lawyer will give you better, & water-tight wording.
But he needs the gist of this in writing now I think - he needs to know that the legal system has your back, so he can no longer bully you or use the kids as pawns like this.

Phew. What an arrogant arsehole he is!

I’d report it to the police, fair enough he was let in but if you explain to the police that he was snooping on private property and verbally abused you on his way out I’d bet they’d want to have a word with him. At least then it will be logged and you’ll have a crime reference number. You’d also have the added bonus of having the last laugh.

Also bollocks was he looking for any key,

as absolutely snooping the arrogant prick.

Definitely speak to your kids about this, at 16 and 18 they will definitely understand to not let dad in and to respect your boundaries and your home.

Also second getting the ring doorbell, my ring doorbell has caught my ex snooping through my windows several times.

You can not tell your children to tell their father that he is not welcome in their home.
Yes she can.
They are 16 & 18.
They have witnessed the deterioration of the marriage, & will know - at the very least - that dad is mean & dismissive to mum.

You would be putting them in an extremely difficult position. This is your business and his business and as adults you should be dealing with it without involving the children
Bullshit.
OP didn't put her kids in that position. Daddy darling did it - quite deliberately.
Your advice would result in OP having to kowtow to a powerplaying bastard "for the sake of the kids". Kids don't need to see their mother kowtowing.

I agree with @ChargingBuck.

It would be worth the money to me to put that in writing. But I'd also report to police that he manipulated the DC into letting him into my home when I wasn't present, went through private correspondence and was verbally abusive to me when I arrived home. I'd tell them that this had made me very anxious and ask for advice/if someone could give him a warning about not doing this again.

At 16 and 18 they are old enough to understand boundaries and consent my 12 year old understands he should never allow his father into our house and doesn't take his key as his dad will most likely steal it and get it copied he is scared of his dad

Cheers Mad - & I also agree about the police - even a 101call just to report it in & get it logged.
A few PP have been minimising this & using exactly the same mindset that no doubt Daddy darling did when he manipulated the kids into letting him in.

Would help if needed for "future reference" too, although let's hope a legal letter will take enough wind out of his bullshitting sails to prevent a repeat performance.

It's the children you need to be talking to about this. You can't change his behaviour, you KNOW he's unreasonable and therefore you can't expect reasoned behaviour from him. However your children have seriously fucked yo here and they are old enough to take responsibility for their actions. Impress upon them how they have allowed and aided their father in running roughshod over your boundaries. They should feel ashamed that they did this imo

You need a lock on your bedroom door and a sturdy, locked filing cabinet or chest of drawers kept in the locked room. Even just a couple of locked boxes would be ok if the room was locked. A locksmith can fit locks on every door in a couple of hours.

Was he there long enough to take photographs? Could he have removed anything?

Reiterate to the children that he is not allowed in by any means necessary

The looking for the key was an excuse. He’s massively overstepped the mark.
Contact your solicitor that he is not to step a foot on your property again. Not sure if the police would be interested just yet.
Agree that your dc shouldn’t have let him in. They should’ve said, mum is not here, you’ll have to wait until she’s home.

Do the children know he cheated on you?

I think a letter or email confirming he never has consent to enter your house and that all his possessions are removed - the example letter above is a good one because it mentions the kids not being allowed to let him in. Then get a ring doorbell so you have video evidence if he enters again - and hopefully it would put him off!

Maybe to stop this happening again.....
A Ring doorbell. Then if he visits you can deny him entry and tell the kids to do the same. If he enters your property, you have the recorded video and just call the police. He CANNOT think this is ok. 🤷🏼‍♀️

@Jsku

I didn’t say it was OK, or that the house is a joint asset. But it’s a grey zone. If you were to die right now - it’ll be treated as joint. For eg.

So - I understand you anger. I have gone through a difficult divorce and had nightmares imagining Ex showing up at my place. I’d be similarly angry.

All I am saying is the sooner you get out of the grey zone with financials - the sooner you’ll get your life and independence bqck.

I don't know whether you've not read all of the OPs posts, or you struggle with comprehension, but it isn't a grey area nor would the house be considered as joint if she died. She Bought Him Out. The House Is All Hers..