Ex searched MY HOUSE

[Double3xposure]

I came home from the supermarket at lunchtime today to discover my ex husband in my house searching through all my cupboards, drawers and work paperwork ( I work from home ) looking for a car key. My teenagers had let him in because he said it was an emergency.

I managed to stay calm enough to not shout at him . I spoke to him without the kids present and asked him how on Earth he thought it was appropriate. He was just rude to me and walked out the door, shouting behind him to tell me to look for his key.

Background - he walked out on our 22 year marriage in earlier this year to live with his affair partner.

I still live in the FMH with our children, who are 16 and 18. I have 100% residence of them . I have already bought him out the FMH some months ago - he doesn’t own it or have any legal rights to it at all.

We are not divorced yet but in process.

We are NOT on friendly terms. When he picks up the kids for them to visit him, he waits in the car. He has only set foot in this house once since he moved out , when he asked ( in front of the kids ) if he could use my bathroom. So of course I said yes to be civil.

I have never been inside his new house - I drop the kids at the door and drive off.

When he does speak to me in front of the kids, he can barely be civil (much like today ). I never speak to him alone in person or on the phone as he’s so rude . All divorce stuff and anything about the kids is done by email.

His “ emergency “ is that he left his keys for his main car at the office so he can’t drive it until tomorrow when it opens. However he does have a work vehicle which he is allowed to use for private journeys and he’s been driving that this weekend.

He couldn’t find his spare car keys in his own house and decided that they might still be in my house . So he drove here ( In the work vehicle ) when I was out and spent an hour ( at least ) searching my place, going through all my office paperwork, personal and legal documents , goodness knows what else .

I am raging. Tell me how to deal with this please. I have a patio and a spade but it needs to be legal I’m afraid.

@Lachimolala

I’d report it to the police, fair enough he was let in but if you explain to the police that he was snooping on private property and verbally abused you on his way out I’d bet they’d want to have a word with him. At least then it will be logged and you’ll have a crime reference number. You’d also have the added bonus of having the last laugh.

Also bollocks was he looking for any key,

as absolutely snooping the arrogant prick.

Definitely speak to your kids about this, at 16 and 18 they will definitely understand to not let dad in and to respect your boundaries and your home.

Also second getting the ring doorbell, my ring doorbell has caught my ex snooping through my windows several times.

To be fair, he did not 'verbally abuse' her. You cannot ring the police just because somebody said a few words you don't like... This isn't primary school and the Police are not teachers

@endofagain OP has already stated that she's made a Will and that the children are aware of the terms

OK. Sorry, I missed that.

To be fair, he did not 'verbally abuse' her. You cannot ring the police just because somebody said a few words you don't like... This isn't primary school and the Police are not teachers

I wouldn’t be calling the police because of what he said but because of what he did. He came into my house and searched it without my knowledge or permission.

I find your analogy to primary school interesting @Almostmenopausal it’s as if you are trivialising my concerns. I wonder why that is ?

Would it concern you if one of your neighbours came and searched your house while you were out ?

Well said, Double.

@Double3xposure

To be fair, he did not 'verbally abuse' her. You cannot ring the police just because somebody said a few words you don't like... This isn't primary school and the Police are not teachers

I wouldn’t be calling the police because of what he said but because of what he did. He came into my house and searched it without my knowledge or permission.

I find your analogy to primary school interesting @Almostmenopausal it’s as if you are trivialising my concerns. I wonder why that is ?

Would it concern you if one of your neighbours came and searched your house while you were out ?

This wasn't directed at you OP. It was a previous poster implying that you were "verbally assaulted"

No I wouldn't call police though because he was let in. He absolutely had NO right to do what he did and I would consider applying for a NON-MOL order to keep him away. However without a non-mol or similar order, he hasn't broken any law - infuriatingly.

We all interpret written differently @Almostmenopausal evidently you are different to me, lay off the passive aggressive nonsense as you say this isn’t primary school.

And I really beg to differ, if my ex bullied his way into my house and then shouted at me (which is abusive) I would absolutely report both of these things to the police.

Getting a ring doorbell is a good idea OP.

The OPs ex has behaved appallingly, she has every right to insist he stay out of her home FGS, and your children are old enough to understand no to let him in OP. I'm angry for you !

I would definitely see this as a gross invasion of privacy. He doesn't have a right to search your home just because you have kids together. He's crossed a line of respect here and should be called out on it. In particular he no longer enters the house unless you are there. Piss taker.

Thank you all for your supportive messages. Just to update.

I spoke to my solicitor who advised to contact the police, which I did. Contrary to what some posters said, they were very helpful and sent out specialist domestic abuse officers.

They said that this incident alone isn’t enough to get him charged but they are concerned that it’s part of a pattern of behaviour. They did a risk assessment on me and apparently there are causes for concern.

They also indicated that they have a complaint from at least one other person about him. This was a huge shock to me - I’ve no idea who this is, I can only think it’s one of his past affair partners or his current partner . I don’t know who she is as she was OW so he keeps quiet about her.

I guess it’s possible it was his first wife but that was a long time ago.

They wouldn’t tell me anything of course - just kept stressing that he has exhibited aggressive and controlling behaviour in other relationships and he would probably go on to do so. And that it was about him and not me - whatever he had told me.

They stressed there was no statute of limitations on this and that if I want to take it further at a later date they would be keen to do so.

I’m very shocked by the turn this has taken. He’s one of these upstanding members of society types, very ‘ respectable ‘. None of you would ever guess if you met him.

Well done OP.

This is a perfect example of how helpful it is to the police when you report pricks like your Ex.

Now the police know another name to add to his file.

I think you were so right and brave for reporting him for forcing his way into your home.

He is not a good man.

Keep this information and think about pressing charges.

His behaviour needs stopping and a big light shone on it.

Keep posting and well done you.

Thank you @billy1966. I’m still in shock that he even has a police file 😲

Which is probably why he slightly backtracked and left a VM, and the flying monkeys tried to make contact.

Someone probably told him he could get into trouble for doing what he did.

I’m outraged for you.

Wow. What a dick.

Change locks - he may well have a spare key.

Talk to children. Explain situation as appropriate.

Doorbell camera. They work well and it’d give you peace of mind.

I think speaking to your solicitor is a good idea.

I think this man has terrorised you for years.

I think making a complaint and letting people know the police have a file on him would be very wise.

He needs to feel the pressure of the law looking at him.

The fact that the police are so keen on you progressing means to me that it must be quite nasty.

I think you could find it very empowering to have him aware that the police are watching him.

Bully's like him scare very, very easily, when the police are involved.

Keep posting, and well done you 👏

Only you can judge the situation and how he is likely to react, but I would be inclined to message him to say that: having taken legal advice you have reported his intrusion to the police and that any future abusive behaviour - including verbal abuse - will also be reported.
If he is aware of the previous report against him it may make him think twice.
My DD suffered a lot of verbal abuse and vile messages from an ex. She logged it with the police. He was invited in for interview but it didn't stop him, so she continued reporting and after his second interview he did stop because he realised that if he steps out of line she will report him. Like your ex he too is an 'upstanding' member of society keen to protect his reputation.

Can you do a Claire's law request to find out more about previous accusations?

Well done for going to the police and for how far you've come.

I think given your update I would now push ahead with a Claire’s law request, if just to have some clarity on the situation. From there you can make decisions based on having the full picture.

Also definitely get yourself a ring doorbell mine turned out to be an excellent deterrent against my abusive ex. Like yours his reputation is everything to him and me having him on camera harassing me is something he just couldn’t risk anymore.

I’ll investigate the ring doorbell.

I’m still so shocked about another complainant . I can’t believe he would risk this - he will lose his job if he’s in any serious trouble with the police. Not just this job - his whole career.

Well I would use and exploit what you now know, to get your divorced finalised, and to put manners on the nasty twat.

OP, well done for involving the police and taking back control!. you do not need to change locks or lock up your stuff in YOUR own house. I think a ring doorbell is a must in your situation. You will get alerts the minute he comes to the door and YOU will be able to speak to him directly through the camera from anywhere to say NO, thus saving your children from any further decision making. It will record/save video and audio as evidence you can show to the police if he tries that trick with the kids again. It’s a no brainier for this situation and it’s such a small price to pay for your peace of mind.

@Double3xposure

I’ll investigate the ring doorbell.

I’m still so shocked about another complainant . I can’t believe he would risk this - he will lose his job if he’s in any serious trouble with the police. Not just this job - his whole career.

Guys like this rely on their reputation shielding them and their victims being convinced/scared they won't be believed.

So glad that you got meaningful support - it is nice to hear a good story about police support as we hear so much about not such great officers or responses. I would totally want to know more about the other offence. In case he tries the same stuff with you.

@Wheresmywoolyjumpers

So glad that you got meaningful support - it is nice to hear a good story about police support as we hear so much about not such great officers or responses. I would totally want to know more about the other offence. In case he tries the same stuff with you.

I don’t think that he’s been convicted of an offence or he would have been fired from his job.

I got the impression that there had been a complaint / complaints about him and, as with me, it was enough to cast suspicion on him but not enough to charge him.

However the police asked me lots of questions as part of their risk assessment and it turns out that things he has done to me in the past are in fact offences . And some of them were witnessed by others.

So I think the police believe that complaints from me plus my witnesses plus the other information they have from ? AN OTher will allow them to charge him.

But I’m just surmising as understandably they couldn’t tell me anything about the other person/s. They just kept saying that it was a pattern and that they knew he had done it before to others and he would go on doing it.

I’m guessing that it makes it more convincing because the other person and I don’t know each other, so it would be a bit unlikely if we were both making it up.

I would never EVER have guessed that he was known to the police. He is Mr Respectable. I still can’t quite believe it.

It’s not that I thought he was a good person. It’s just that I thought he was smart enough not to do anything bad enough for police involvement.

And I guess I’m also having to reevaluate how he treated me. I knew he was nasty and a bad husband. But knowing that some of these things are offences has shocked me.

It somehow makes it more real IYSWIM. Things I’ve tried to put behind me are now up front in my mind.