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Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Original poster

Ex searched MY HOUSE

136 replies

Double3xposure · 07/11/2021 14:57

I came home from the supermarket at lunchtime today to discover my ex husband in my house searching through all my cupboards, drawers and work paperwork ( I work from home ) looking for a car key. My teenagers had let him in because he said it was an emergency.

I managed to stay calm enough to not shout at him . I spoke to him without the kids present and asked him how on Earth he thought it was appropriate. He was just rude to me and walked out the door, shouting behind him to tell me to look for his key.

Background - he walked out on our 22 year marriage in earlier this year to live with his affair partner.

I still live in the FMH with our children, who are 16 and 18. I have 100% residence of them . I have already bought him out the FMH some months ago - he doesn’t own it or have any legal rights to it at all.

We are not divorced yet but in process.

We are NOT on friendly terms. When he picks up the kids for them to visit him, he waits in the car. He has only set foot in this house once since he moved out , when he asked ( in front of the kids ) if he could use my bathroom. So of course I said yes to be civil.

I have never been inside his new house - I drop the kids at the door and drive off.

When he does speak to me in front of the kids, he can barely be civil (much like today ). I never speak to him alone in person or on the phone as he’s so rude . All divorce stuff and anything about the kids is done by email.

His “ emergency “ is that he left his keys for his main car at the office so he can’t drive it until tomorrow when it opens. However he does have a work vehicle which he is allowed to use for private journeys and he’s been driving that this weekend.

He couldn’t find his spare car keys in his own house and decided that they might still be in my house . So he drove here ( In the work vehicle ) when I was out and spent an hour ( at least ) searching my place, going through all my office paperwork, personal and legal documents , goodness knows what else .

I am raging. Tell me how to deal with this please. I have a patio and a spade but it needs to be legal I’m afraid.

OP posts:
SuperSange · 07/11/2021 18:04

I'd find his key just so I could fucking throw it away. Arsehole.

RB68 · 07/11/2021 18:08

OK If this were me (and through second hand experience of these issues with a very close friend) 1. Impress on kids he is NOT ALLOWED IN THE HOUSE without your express permission and only if you are present 2. Check for cameras they can be scanned for but you can also do a damm good search maybe you tube for how they can be installed. 3. Get a camera doorbell 4. Solicitors letter to cease what is harassment and if you want to threaten an anti harassments order as well 5. I would personally also put this on record with the police through 101, being your ex husband does not give him leave to enter your house and search your property regardless of the kids being there or not

Excessive maybe but its signalling that you wont fuck about and you are not a push over

RB68 · 07/11/2021 18:11

oh yes and remember to re write your will asap

IknowwhatIneed · 07/11/2021 18:14

I have read the posts - they are still legally married. And recently gone through divorce. So - my lawyers made it very clear that until everything is signed, and last decree is approved by the court - if any of spouses die - the other one inherits all. Like in a regular marriage.

That’s how it is in England, not in Scotland, for example, where only assets accrued prior to the separation date are considered marital assets, everything after that is separate - maybe worth considering different legislation across the 4 nations?

Original poster
Double3xposure · 07/11/2021 18:15

@RB68

oh yes and remember to re write your will asap
Thanks for both your posts @RB68. Will and POA have been changed.

He could contest the will if I die before the divorce is finalised but he would be fighting to take the money from the kids, so I think he is unlikely to do so. The kids know the terms of my will.

It’s not like he could argue that he needed the money to keep them as he has a very well paid job and a lot of savings. And the kids would hate him forever .

OP posts:
2020nymph · 07/11/2021 18:28

@Double3xposure

When I was married to him he never respected any of my boundaries. It didn’t matter how carefully and reasonably I explained anything. I’ve spent two decades “explaining” to him.

I had to hide things from him. Everything from my car and house keys ( because he’d just take my car if he couldn’t find his) to my bank statements . Even a bar of Chocolate .

The paperwork for the house insurance or the car MOT - he’d go through it looking for something else he'd lost and throw it away or stuff it in a bag somewhere . Then I’d spend days looking for it.

We had to get the locks replaced on the back door once because he insisted in keeping all three copies of the door key together and then he lost them.

After that I kept a master set at a friends house AND hid mine from him,

I can’t eat gluten so occasionally I’d treat myself with a piece of expensive Gf cake from a fancy bakery. I’d have to hide that too or he’d eat it.

He would take money from my purse because he “ needed cash “ and I’d have no money to give the kids for school lunch.

He’d take my car without telling me, run it really low on petrol and then I’d be late to pick up the kids / get to work because I had to stop for petrol ( we lived in a village with no petrol station nearby ).

I swear he would have worn my underwear if his was dirty if only it fitted him.

I’ve spent years hiding things and locking them away and I’m not going to fucking do it anymore. I’m living in freedom now ( or so I thought ).

Oh lovely, I remember remind your threads. I'm so pleased you are getting free of this fuckwitt, you deserve so much better.

Totally a power play/snoop. If you want to reiterate it in a factual text so you have evidence do so but otherwise, grey rock approach, protect yourself with the added bonus it will piss him off!

thelegohooverer · 07/11/2021 18:36

I don’t think I’d be speaking to the dc because it puts them in an untenable position.

But if you think there’s any chance he planted a camera, I’d contact the police. Otherwise maybe consider a solicitors letter.

Mellowyellow222 · 07/11/2021 18:47

I am outraged In your behalf.

Imagine how he would react if you did this in his home!

I have no advice. But explain to the children that you would never ask them to let you search their dads house, and their dad should not be invading your privacy like this. Using his children In this way is unforgivable.

Do inform your solicitor incase it escalates. Unfortunately he had the permission of the children. But at their age they are old enough to see what a nasty thing it was for their dad to have done

Wheresmywoolyjumpers · 07/11/2021 18:52

Agree with the PP that your kids are old enough to know what is going on. Do you have a solicitor for the divorce? I think you need them to send him a letter telling him and under no circumstances is he to come into the house or ask your children to let him in.

Mellowyellow222 · 07/11/2021 18:55

@thelegohooverer

I don’t think I’d be speaking to the dc because it puts them in an untenable position.

But if you think there’s any chance he planted a camera, I’d contact the police. Otherwise maybe consider a solicitors letter.

I couldn’t disagree with this more.

The children are nearly adults.

And they are not in an untenable situation. An untenable situation would see them defending something which is wrong.

Not allowing there father access to a home he doesn’t own to search it is not untenable. It is the right thing to do.

Awkward maybe, but certainly not untenable

DriftingBlue · 07/11/2021 19:08

At 16 and 18 they are old enough to be told that one of the ways adults process divorce is to maintain strict boundaries of physical spaces in the early days. They didn’t do anything wrong, their dad knew better. He doesn’t want you in his space and he knows you don’t want him in yours. . If Dad needs something from the house he really should ask you or in this scenario, the kids could have searched for it and given him the keys since the keys are obviously his, but In the future he needs to stay outside.

If they ask if it will always be like this, you can say that you hope it will not. This is the phase where emotions are heightened and the adults need to process those emotions so they can get to a better place. The long term goal is obviously to be able to sit down at a meal together to celebrate a graduation or a wedding or a grandchild’s birthday. (The other woman might even attend if the unlikely happens and that relationship lasts). One of those events may even be celebrated in your home, but you aren’t there yet and you need time.

Cherrysoup · 07/11/2021 19:16

@Jsku

I didn’t say it was OK, or that the house is a joint asset. But it’s a grey zone. If you were to die right now - it’ll be treated as joint. For eg.

So - I understand you anger. I have gone through a difficult divorce and had nightmares imagining Ex showing up at my place. I’d be similarly angry.

All I am saying is the sooner you get out of the grey zone with financials - the sooner you’ll get your life and independence bqck.

Incorrect. The house belongs to her. She bought him out. It’s not a grey area. It’s HERS. It’s exactly the same as her having bought a different house and living there. If something happens to the OP, the ex has no rights over a house that doesn’t belong to him, same as me trying to go into the house I sold. I don’t have rights over it.

Everyone saying she needs a lockable box, the OP has said she used to have to hide everything from him. As older teens, the dc need to be responsible enough not to let him in. Sod locking up her stuff in her own house!

gonnabeok · 07/11/2021 19:18

Send him an email saying

  1. This is legally my property you are not welcome inside. Any request for access should have been directed to myself the legal owner.
  2. If I find any items of my personal property are damaged or have been stolen as a result of your unauthorised search, I will be filing a theft report with the police. My solicitor has also been informed that you conducted an unauthorised search of my property.

Narcissists hate you telling them what they can and can't do.He will hate you reminding him he is not welcome.

Mellowyellow222 · 07/11/2021 19:27

Opps their father not there father 😩

lisaandalan · 07/11/2021 20:23

I'd say to my children I'm sorry to put you in this position, but if dad comes here again even if his leg is hanging off please do not let him in.
They're old enough to understand the situation they're not babies. X

SouthsideSally · 07/11/2021 21:39

The children haven't ”really fucked up”. They allowed their father into THEIR home. Because while it is Ops house it is also her children's home. And yes they have witnessed the deterioration of their parents relationship but that doesn't mean they should continue to be involved in it. OP had made it clear to her ex that he's not welcome and he shouldn't ask the children. She has options that involve not even speaking to the children. My advice isn't that she kowtows as previously suggested, but that she explores them.

frazzledasarock · 07/11/2021 22:20

I’d ban him from the house.

Tell the kids he’s not allowed in to your house and definitely not to go through your things. You don’t step foot in his house he doesn’t step foot in your house. Those are the current boundaries.

Your children won’t be scarred by that and probably relieved to have a line in the sand. Sorry dad mum said no.

timeisnotaline · 07/11/2021 22:34

It is not untenable to explain to a 16 & 18 year old not to let their dad in their mums house. It’s challenging in practice for them with a dad like that but they will understand perfectly well.
I’d send the letter someone suggested a draft for above through a solicitor. And hope I did magically find his keys even though they are at his work so I could take a hammer to them. That or hang them on the Xmas tree as a reminder of all the things you don’t have to put up with from him anymore!

Re checking for a camera, I’d think it would have to use the wifi. So if there’s nothing new connected to the wifi should be fine?

Original poster
Double3xposure · 08/11/2021 07:25

Updates

  1. I did look in my house and I can’t find his spare key, it’s obviously at his. I even phoned my friend who keeps all my legal documents / my spare house keys to ask her to check.
  1. I explained to the kids about him not coming into the house unless I was there and has invited him myself . I stressed that I wasn’t blaming them, that it was their fathers fault for putting them in a difficult situation. They seemed ok with it.
  1. I will get legal advice today.
  1. Apparently he persuaded ? paid one of his staff ( who lives an hour away and has the office keys ) to do the two hour trip from her home to the office yesterday so he could get him own car keys. I cannot understand why anyone would do that - it’s all very odd.

Apparently he told our kids that he has important papers in the car but that doesn’t ring true as all his work is online ( very few paper files ) and he’s very security conscious so would never leave them in the car overnight. And why would he need them on a Sunday?

Not very plausible. Anyway not my problem.

OP posts:
ChargingBuck · 08/11/2021 09:46

Very glad the kids are ok with it OP.

Also to see you cheerfully (if ruefully) owning it with "not my problem". :)

Yeah, get a lawyer-approved version of the "stay the fuck out of my house, you snooping arrogant weirdo" letter sorted today - you will feel great when it's sent, & it is a vital piece of protection for you.
As well as unimpeachable documented evidence of unreasonable entitled & frankly illegal behaviour ... potentially useful in the medium term Wink

endofagain · 08/11/2021 10:08

@RB68

oh yes and remember to re write your will asap
Yes! Make a will as a matter of urgency. It doesn't have to be complicated, just state you want everything to be divided between your DC, date, sign, witness.
Lampzade · 08/11/2021 10:48

Op , after reading your posts.,,, thank the fuck that he left you for his AP.

Lampzade · 08/11/2021 10:49

@RB68

OK If this were me (and through second hand experience of these issues with a very close friend) 1. Impress on kids he is NOT ALLOWED IN THE HOUSE without your express permission and only if you are present 2. Check for cameras they can be scanned for but you can also do a damm good search maybe you tube for how they can be installed. 3. Get a camera doorbell 4. Solicitors letter to cease what is harassment and if you want to threaten an anti harassments order as well 5. I would personally also put this on record with the police through 101, being your ex husband does not give him leave to enter your house and search your property regardless of the kids being there or not

Excessive maybe but its signalling that you wont fuck about and you are not a push over

This is exactly what I would do
SunshineCake1 · 08/11/2021 13:23

[quote Jsku]@SunshineCake1

I have read the posts - they are still legally married. And recently gone through divorce. So - my lawyers made it very clear that until everything is signed, and last decree is approved by the court - if any of spouses die - the other one inherits all. Like in a regular marriage.

But the legal point doesn’t matter really. She is rightfully angry but there is nothing she can do.[/quote]
You may have read them but the OP has said several times he has no claim.

Nanny0gg · 08/11/2021 13:52

@Double3xposure

When I was married to him he never respected any of my boundaries. It didn’t matter how carefully and reasonably I explained anything. I’ve spent two decades “explaining” to him.

I had to hide things from him. Everything from my car and house keys ( because he’d just take my car if he couldn’t find his) to my bank statements . Even a bar of Chocolate .

The paperwork for the house insurance or the car MOT - he’d go through it looking for something else he'd lost and throw it away or stuff it in a bag somewhere . Then I’d spend days looking for it.

We had to get the locks replaced on the back door once because he insisted in keeping all three copies of the door key together and then he lost them.

After that I kept a master set at a friends house AND hid mine from him,

I can’t eat gluten so occasionally I’d treat myself with a piece of expensive Gf cake from a fancy bakery. I’d have to hide that too or he’d eat it.

He would take money from my purse because he “ needed cash “ and I’d have no money to give the kids for school lunch.

He’d take my car without telling me, run it really low on petrol and then I’d be late to pick up the kids / get to work because I had to stop for petrol ( we lived in a village with no petrol station nearby ).

I swear he would have worn my underwear if his was dirty if only it fitted him.

I’ve spent years hiding things and locking them away and I’m not going to fucking do it anymore. I’m living in freedom now ( or so I thought ).

Letter from your solicitor?