He cheated on me

[OhChristmasTree2021]

Just looking for advice really as my head is all over the place. I've NC'd.

I'm a single mum with 2 DC. I have a boyfriend who I have been with for over 2 years.

A couple of weeks ago my BF admitted that he had cheated on me. He told me that he went out for a drink with a couple and another woman. He is good friends with the man of the couple and knows his girlfriend. The other woman is friends with the girlfriend but we also know her as she is the ex-girlfriend of a friend of my BF. They all went for a drink and then went back to the hotel of the single woman where she was staying while visiting her friend. They were all quite drunk and the woman came onto my BF and the couple left them to it. BF had sex with this woman and stayed overnight with her. The next day he confessed to me. He told me he loved me and it was a mistake.

I told him I needed time to think. However a week later I found out I was pregnant. This was not planned atall, I'm still in shock and not sure how it happened as I was using contraception. I'm not sure what I want to do about it but I felt I wanted to be back with my boyfriend. I love him and want to be with him.

Now, the thing that has done my head in is that when my boyfriend told me what had happened I sent an angry message to the woman involved. She told me that while she felt it was a drunken mistake (she says she has no feelings towards my BF) my BF said we weren't together and she wouldn't have slept with him had she known we were still together. She also said he told her I was a 'psycho' and controlling. She did tell me that he had not contacted her since.

I'm just so confused and I don't know what to believe.

I’m sorry op, what a shit situation….positives are that he fessed up (I think?) you didn’t just find out? He knows he did a massively wrong thing and has been honest about it. I do think that anyone can make a mistake and a pissed up shag doesn’t HAVE to be the end…unless that is what YOU want. As for what he said to her….I’m meh about that…he was hardly going to say “I love my girlfriend” was he?
I appreciate your situation is complicated so take some time to really reflect on what you want and your relationship as a whole. Is this massively out of character for him, or is he a bit of a Twat generally?
The important thing is that YOU remember your worth…this is on HIM, not you and if he even tries to suggest otherwise, he’s got to go….

How could you ever trust him again???

Seems like he said some nasty things about you to talk another woman into a shag. Fucking grim.

Why would you want to stay with him? I'd be considering the pregnancy carefully too. Do you want to be connected to him forever?

“Seems like he said some nasty things about you to talk another woman into a shag. Fucking grim.

Why would you want to stay with him? I'd be considering the pregnancy carefully too. Do you want to be connected to him forever?”

This. He talked her into bed. That required conscious effort on his behalf. You can’t trust him.

@Buildingthefuture - yes, the fact he told me I do see as a positive. I really don't know what I want. The pregnancy has complicated things and I don't know if I feel I want to be with him because of hormones. It is out of character tbh. But I thought our relationship was going well.

@Unanananana - yes, that does put another light on it. I'm not sure if the woman is trying to deflect blame. As for why I would stay with him - I suppose because I love him. But not sure I'm thinking straight on that one.

If he really said nasty things about you to the other woman, that would be really unforgivable, I think. Sleeping with her is bad enough but talking about you would like that is awful.

Also, he went on a date with her with his friend and the friend's partner. It was all planned. I would never be able to trust that friend and the partner ever again, never mind him. It's outrageous that they would go along with that.

The more I think about this the more I think I would end it now I'm afraid.

If he was disloyal enough to fuck someone else, surely it's believable that he said he was single, and that you were a crazy psycho....?

I couldn't forgive or forget. You will never be able to trust him again, so any relationship you try to have will be marked by that.

I would see this as a separate issue to the pregnancy. Do you want the baby? Are you happy to be a single parent? Will you be able to co parent effectively with him?

She's unlikely to be lying.

He's an absolute shit.

He denied your relationship, was derogatory towards you, and you can;t even trust him to go out one night with friends without having sex with another woman.

I'm usually pretty anti termination (pro choice though) but in this case, honestly, your life would be way easier if you did; you don't have to tell him anything. He'll only use it to make you stay with him.

He's not a good un.

Sorry but people may say all the right things but if someone stays with them after they've done this to the,m they secretly think : you sucker, you'll take anything i give you, you think you're lcky to have me, your self esteem in shit". The may not even think it consciously but they think it.

@spotcheck

If he was disloyal enough to fuck someone else, surely it's believable that he said he was single, and that you were a crazy psycho....?

Yeah, this too.

He can't even be trusted to go uot for one night with his mates, with a single woman attending; without having sex with her ..... but somehow he's the trustworthy one and if she says some thing in line with his actions; she's the one whos making it up/lying?

She probably wanted to explain that she thought he was single and also do you a favour by telling you he lied abut your relationship and puts you down. That's wat Id do if that happened to me; I'd want her to know wat he says about her and how he denies their relationship because id think "poor fucker, she needs to know what he's like, ow he talks about her; she could get out if she knows, instead of staying with such a shit"

Why is the woman trying to deflect blame? She has nothing to lose, he does. Who is more likely to lie? His version is already crap - she came into him.. As though it was all her. Yet he didn’t do much protesting, did he? He just went back to the hotel and slept with her.

I suppose because I love him

Love only works when it's two way.

And in spite of what is mouth is saying; his actions are not those of someone who loves his partner. He can't turn down (not that sounds like it was offered on a plate, it sounds more like he pursued it) sex with another woman out of decency, loyalty or love towards you.

He either doesn't or his "love" (liek some people's) isn't worth having.

@HollowTalk - it's all so confusing. He says he didn't say those things about me. I'm not sure why she would say that except to deflect blame. It is possible that she slept with him to try to get back at her boyfriend in some way. I know she still has feelings for him. She could have perhaps set the whole thing up, I don't know. But of course that doesn't excuse my BF. I am very upset about the couple. I don't know them very well but they knew BF and I were together - I don't know why his friend wouldn't have intervened in any way.

@Honeyroar - it appears she is trying to keep a friendship going with me. She has messaged me so many times saying how bad she feels about it. She even offered to give me some money to make up for it. I know she's very lonely. BF didn't say it was all her but that she initiated it.

@SleepingBunnies21 - I agree that it is definitely questionable if I could ever trust him again. However, he's been on nights out without me before - this wasn't the first time. Not sure that makes much difference, though.

They were all quite drunk

The thing about being drunk is that; if you're really really drunk, so you don;t know what you're doing; you're very unlikely to be able to have full sex (I suppose as a woman you could but that would be essentially rape on the part of the man with her) ... as a man you couldn't. That level of drunkeness usually rules our intercourse. It usually ends in sleeping/passing out.

Which means he was drunk enough to loosen inhibitions but not drunk enough to not know what he was doing. So that's how he acts with inhibitions lowered. Not exactly trustworthy or loyal (or even sensible enough to go home when he felt he was not acting appropriately or likely to make good decisions).

He's rollling out all the excuses and minimisation; he was really drunk, she came onto him (he just couldn't turn her down, could he, the poor lamb).
She says she didn't and I'm inclined to believe her.

I think it's called cognitive dissonance when someone says one thing "i love you" but acts the exact opposite. It wrecks people's head.
The actions are the ones you have to pay attention to.

So sorry you are going through this OP.

If I was in a relationship with someone who's head is turned as soon as he is on a night out with friends, never mind having sex with her it would tell me everything I need to know. No. I could never trust him again. It would be a lifetime of wondering and distrust.

As for the pregnancy, only you know what choice you want to make.

I've had an abortion, no qualms at all. I know I would never have wanted to be tied to that father for evermore. Would have been the worse outcome of my life otherwise.

I hope you find the peace to make the right decision, whatever you choose.

However, he's been on nights out without me before - this wasn't the first time. Not sure that makes much difference, though.

He may not have had a real opportunity to cheat before.

I find, even as a woman, that those don't actually crop up very often. You can quite easily come home having spoken only to the people you know, and if that group doesn't happen to include a single person of the opposite sex whom you find attractive ... .
Or you might speak to other people but they are not single/available/attractive to you/attracted to you etc.

This woman must have become single relatively recently if she was previously the gf of another guy they know, so she wasn't single up til now.

Anyway - yes I agree, does it rally matter that he hasn't cheated til two years in (that you know of); it matters that he's cheated.

I know she's very lonely.

She's put of a relationship with one of their mates/acquaintances and lonely etc.

She sounds quite vulnerable and that makes him look even worse to me.

He shouldn't have cheated on you, hispartner of two years.
It is arguably dodgy, just shagging his mate/acquaintance's ex.
It is a bit predatry shagging his mate/acquaintance;s ex who people know is lonely, vulnerable.
If (which i think is more likely than not) he told her he was single, you were over, and was derogatory and dismissive towarsd you in order to get the shag with her; he's really predatory and dishonest, a real scum bag.

He's not coming across as a top bloke here, though i'm sure he spins a line making him appear lovely.

He also shits right on his own doorstep; with the mate's ex, and with a woman you know.
(Though that's actually a good thing because you were able to find out very important details form her).

But that night it was like a double date.The other couple knew that she was going to be there. He knew that she was going to be there. He didn't tell you that in advance.

That level of planning on his part and the couple's part is really horrible. You can't trust any of those three.

Not sure why you’re confused.. He’s cheated on you in a really cuntish way, with his friends knowing full well…

Just do yourself a favour and walk away as this has disaster written all over it!

She even offered to give me some money to make up for it.

This is pretty weird.

Well this was your boyfriends choice, regardless of if she initiated it. He's the only one in a relationship with you and he strayed away from that. I'd walk away.

@HairyFanjoBanjo

Not sure why you’re confused.. He’s cheated on you in a really cuntish way, with his friends knowing full well…

Just do yourself a favour and walk away as this has disaster written all over it!

Yeah his mates involving him in that double datish situation and then leaving them to it when they looked like they were going to hook up (instead of not involving him in the first place) and even if they did, saying "mate, you have Oh at home, what are you doing"?

It's like they see him as single, or they see infidelity as insognificant.

You have to wonder if they're taking their cue fom him.

Even if they're not, they're cavalier about your relationship and cavalier about cheating; and birds of a feather tend to flock together.

He said you weren't together, you are a controlling psycho, and also she came on to him.

No.

He told her what he needed her to think, in order for her to sleep with him.

He told you she came on to him, to try and deflect even some of your anger on to her. The evil boyfriend stealing harpie. Poor him at her ruthless hands.

He's a bad person.