He cheated on me

[OhChristmasTree2021]

Just looking for advice really as my head is all over the place. I've NC'd.

I'm a single mum with 2 DC. I have a boyfriend who I have been with for over 2 years.

A couple of weeks ago my BF admitted that he had cheated on me. He told me that he went out for a drink with a couple and another woman. He is good friends with the man of the couple and knows his girlfriend. The other woman is friends with the girlfriend but we also know her as she is the ex-girlfriend of a friend of my BF. They all went for a drink and then went back to the hotel of the single woman where she was staying while visiting her friend. They were all quite drunk and the woman came onto my BF and the couple left them to it. BF had sex with this woman and stayed overnight with her. The next day he confessed to me. He told me he loved me and it was a mistake.

I told him I needed time to think. However a week later I found out I was pregnant. This was not planned atall, I'm still in shock and not sure how it happened as I was using contraception. I'm not sure what I want to do about it but I felt I wanted to be back with my boyfriend. I love him and want to be with him.

Now, the thing that has done my head in is that when my boyfriend told me what had happened I sent an angry message to the woman involved. She told me that while she felt it was a drunken mistake (she says she has no feelings towards my BF) my BF said we weren't together and she wouldn't have slept with him had she known we were still together. She also said he told her I was a 'psycho' and controlling. She did tell me that he had not contacted her since.

I'm just so confused and I don't know what to believe.

@youvegottenminuteslynn

At best he has so little respect for you that he shagged someone else on a night out. Best case scenario.

Most likely case he did so and spoke about you horribly to her, positioning you as a crazy ex - sound the misogyny / next level arsehole klaxon.

Worst case it was planned.

Even the best case scenario isn't the kind of person you want to build a life with, surely?

No, true I don't know him.

And true, vulnerable people can do shit, immoral things.

But all i have to go on is the situation he's put you in, outlined in this thread; and for someone who's vulnerable, he's left you; cheated on, pregnant, and with your and your potential baby's health possibly at risk of stds, no doubt very stressed and upset and shell shocked, and maybe looking at the possibility of a termination, which some women find takes a huge emotional toll on them.

All of which leaves you in a more vulnerable position than him.

As you see, to say; even if he's a wrong doer due (to some extent) due to vulnerability; still doesn't make him good partner material.

@Bananarama21 - yes, he used protection. She has also told me she isn't pregnant, thank god.

@youvegottenminuteslynn

Did he have condoms on him then? Or was he not so drunk that he had the wherewithal to go into a shop / toilet vending thing, after deciding to have sex with her, and buy condoms? Or does he say she had them on her?

They were her condoms.

Sorry I somwhow quoted the wrong post - i was responding to op's post saying i can't know from the snapshot of him in this thread.

@HereticFanjo - yes, it is.

I hear everyone saying leave him. I just really don't want to. I need to have a word with myself.

[quote OhChristmasTree2021]@Bananarama21 - yes, he used protection. She has also told me she isn't pregnant, thank god.[/quote]
Another thing he's done to you by cheating - risking a pregnancy with another woman.

And like many drunk men (or just men) iI'd bet he used condoms because she supplied and insisted

@SleepingBunnies21 - the vulnerability in itself makes him less relationship material tbh. But yes, I take your point.

[quote OhChristmasTree2021]@HereticFanjo - yes, it is.

I hear everyone saying leave him. I just really don't want to. I need to have a word with myself.[/quote]
You don't have to leave him OP. It's very easy for people on a screen to chant leave him. What they would actually do if this were their real life, is another thing. You can tell from your posts that you won't leave him. However, you have to ask yourself how will this work when you won't be happy or be able to trust him again, and it will blow up in the future. He's a shit.

@SleepingBunnies21 - when I found out I was pregnant it really hit me. What if he had got her pregnant too? And yes, she supplied the condom, apparently.

@MollysDolly - I don't know, I really don't. It's so hard. He wants to do relationship counselling. Maybe that will give me the strength to leave.

Amazing how when men cheat it's always with a woman who happened to have a condom on them.

He's a prick OP. He's tried to minimise his part in this when the reality is he definitely shagged her and most likely shit talked you too. It adds such an extra level of hurt, displaying total contempt of you when faced with a woman he wanted to shag.

I doubt you will ever trust this man again tbh. I'm sorry he let you down so badly.

It's very easy for people on a screen to chant leave him.

I dont even think posters here are chanting that she leave him.

I think they're just saying op shouldn't have to be subjected to such shit behaviour, and if he can do that, he doesn't seem trustworthy and the chance of that rearing its head again is quite high (even if op can get past what he's done).

Also if he did day any of the things the woman he cheated with said he did (and personally i'm inclined to think he did and that she's getting the age old, typical "sad ass, psycho, crazy, jealous woman" misogynist tarring treatment by their group (Funny that for someone so unhinged that they could say anything; they socialise with her and were happy to leave him with her drunk at her hotel) ..... posters are thinking he's an absolute shit who op should not waste a further second with.

You are confused and it doesn't add up... Because it's not the truth.
I wonder if he was cornered into telling you.
If he was seen or OW is not trustworthy.

You already have children to consider, thus will affect them as it affects you.

You and your children deserve better.

What would you advise a friend? Your dc? Your mum? Take your own medicine.
Free yourself.

It’s only confusing because you’re trying to find a way for it to make sense to stay with him.

It won’t. Remove all the variables; he cheated. No matter who came on to who, who was vulnerable or how it came to happen; he cheated.

You’ll never trust him again. You deserve more.

So sorry OP.

He wants to do relationship counselling - you* haven't done anything wrong.

Why doesn't he get individual counselling to explore his decision making, moral deficit etc etc.

Relationship counselling is also one of the cheater bingo standards for "saving" a relationship.

Does he rely on you for accommodaionor anything, op?

@SleepingBunnies21

It's very easy for people on a screen to chant leave him.

I dont even think posters here are chanting that she leave him.

I think they're just saying op shouldn't have to be subjected to such shit behaviour, and if he can do that, he doesn't seem trustworthy and the chance of that rearing its head again is quite high (even if op can get past what he's done).

Also if he did day any of the things the woman he cheated with said he did (and personally i'm inclined to think he did and that she's getting the age old, typical "sad ass, psycho, crazy, jealous woman" misogynist tarring treatment by their group (Funny that for someone so unhinged that they could say anything; they socialise with her and were happy to leave him with her drunk at her hotel) ..... posters are thinking he's an absolute shit who op should not waste a further second with.

Basically: all this.

@youvegottenminuteslynn

Amazing how when men cheat it's always with a woman who happened to have a condom on them.

He's a prick OP. He's tried to minimise his part in this when the reality is he definitely shagged her and most likely shit talked you too. It adds such an extra level of hurt, displaying total contempt of you when faced with a woman he wanted to shag.

He is a prick. It was her condom apparently according to her, though.

@HereticFanjo

I doubt you will ever trust this man again tbh. I'm sorry he let you down so badly.

Thank you

[quote OhChristmasTree2021]@HereticFanjo - yes, it is.

I hear everyone saying leave him. I just really don't want to. I need to have a word with myself.[/quote]
Yes, you do.

Love - it's an active thing.

Do yourself the decency of caring enough about yourself to leave him. He's not the only man on the planet, there will be others. There will be others you 'live' just as much but who treat you decently. He doesn't. Fessing up doesn't undo the fact he chose to have sex and sleep with another woman, it's irrelevant who came onto who.

I would leave him & have a termination. You were using contraception to prevent becoming pregnant, it wasn't something you wanted right now BEFORE you knew he was a cheating twat, Him being a cheating twat is not a reason to have a baby! Quite the opposite.

@Moretodo

You are confused and it doesn't add up... Because it's not the truth. I wonder if he was cornered into telling you. If he was seen or OW is not trustworthy.

You already have children to consider, thus will affect them as it affects you.

You and your children deserve better.

What would you advise a friend? Your dc? Your mum? Take your own medicine.
Free yourself.

I'm so gutted. I never thought he would do this to me My children certainly deserve better. I've never been good at taking my own advice but I must for them. It's such a shame because they love him.

Oh darling there's nothing to be confused about. He had sex with another woman and said horrendous things about you. Of course he said those things, some people will say anything to get sex.

Think a year ahead, you're exhausted and drained from having a new baby. Probably no sex, would you ever be able to trust him again?

I'd have a long hard think about whether having a baby with man and being tied to him forever, is going to make you happy.

@SleepingBunnies21

He wants to do relationship counselling - you* haven't done anything wrong.

Why doesn't he get individual counselling to explore his decision making, moral deficit etc etc.

Relationship counselling is also one of the cheater bingo standards for "saving" a relationship.

Does he rely on you for accommodaionor anything, op?

Oh god, I didn't know that. Yes, he could do with individual counselling.

We don't live together.

@SpookyPumpkinPants - in all honesty I'm not interested in any others. I'm quite happy on my own. And yes, the bottom line is he chose to have sex with another woman 😭. But all I can think of now is us being together and having the baby! I don't know why!

How far into your pregnancy are you currently OP?