He cheated on me

[OhChristmasTree2021]

Just looking for advice really as my head is all over the place. I've NC'd.

I'm a single mum with 2 DC. I have a boyfriend who I have been with for over 2 years.

A couple of weeks ago my BF admitted that he had cheated on me. He told me that he went out for a drink with a couple and another woman. He is good friends with the man of the couple and knows his girlfriend. The other woman is friends with the girlfriend but we also know her as she is the ex-girlfriend of a friend of my BF. They all went for a drink and then went back to the hotel of the single woman where she was staying while visiting her friend. They were all quite drunk and the woman came onto my BF and the couple left them to it. BF had sex with this woman and stayed overnight with her. The next day he confessed to me. He told me he loved me and it was a mistake.

I told him I needed time to think. However a week later I found out I was pregnant. This was not planned atall, I'm still in shock and not sure how it happened as I was using contraception. I'm not sure what I want to do about it but I felt I wanted to be back with my boyfriend. I love him and want to be with him.

Now, the thing that has done my head in is that when my boyfriend told me what had happened I sent an angry message to the woman involved. She told me that while she felt it was a drunken mistake (she says she has no feelings towards my BF) my BF said we weren't together and she wouldn't have slept with him had she known we were still together. She also said he told her I was a 'psycho' and controlling. She did tell me that he had not contacted her since.

I'm just so confused and I don't know what to believe.

@SparklyDino

Oh darling there's nothing to be confused about. He had sex with another woman and said horrendous things about you. Of course he said those things, some people will say anything to get sex.

Think a year ahead, you're exhausted and drained from having a new baby. Probably no sex, would you ever be able to trust him again?

I'd have a long hard think about whether having a baby with man and being tied to him forever, is going to make you happy.

Right now, the thought of not being tied to him forever makes me sad. But I know things will feel different in the future.

@youvegottenminuteslynn

How far into your pregnancy are you currently OP?

Literally only 5 weeks.

I think that while it hurts, you need to face the fact that it's overwhelmingly likely this relationship won't work out even if you stay together. You'll never really trust him and that's going to create a toxic and unhealthy relationship - due to his behaviour.

So being tied to him for the rest of your life is a massive, massive, massive risk.

I think it's worth considering all options really carefully, especially as you already have two kids who would be impacted by an unhealthy relationship / ongoing toxicity etc.

In this situation there is no good decision, it is picking the least bad option.

You can have the quick all at once pain, and move into healing.

Or the ongoing anxiety of being yoked to this character who is capable of complete disregard of you and your children.

You have been with him two years. Don't throw your life away on a two year investment that lost its worth and value.

Walk away with your head held high.
Like PP said, love yourself enough.
Choose you.
Your future self will thank you for it. Your DC will be ok, because they have you, and you don't take shit.

You don't live together, your kids may like him but let's face it, kids are innocent and can't judge.
(Do you think they'd like him if they knew he spent a night with another woman at her hotel and had sex with her, after being in a relationship with their Mum for two years?)

It's actually doubly shitty that he cheate on you given he's been introduced to your kids and formed a bond with them.

Kids are very adaptable as well.

And if you can't tell them the facts, you could still tell them that he boke your trust/let you down/treated you badly and you & they deserve better.

As a total aside, if you didn't notice any break or tear in the condom, i'm surprised you fell pregnant using them. Could he be stealthing?

Sorry OP, but I think you're making a big mistake if you stay with him. It's very clear looking from the outside in, but because you love him, you will want to deny it.

He not only slept with another woman, but he talked her into it, saying that you weren't together and also saying nasty things about you. I believe her. Why would she lie? He has something to lose; she doesn't.

I also believe her because I've been that woman who has had a one night stand with someone and then found out they were married when they said they weren't. That happened to me twice.

Fine to carry on as you are, as long as you are OK with this happening again; the cheating I mean.

I really do think that if you manage to extricate yourself from this relationship now, your future self will thank you.

If you continue with it, your future self will be cursing you a year or two years from now, and wondering what on earth you were thinking.

@SleepingBunnies21

You don't live together, your kids may like him but let's face it, kids are innocent and can't judge. (Do you think they'd like him if they knew he spent a night with another woman at her hotel and had sex with her, after being in a relationship with their Mum for two years?)

It's actually doubly shitty that he cheate on you given he's been introduced to your kids and formed a bond with them.

Kids are very adaptable as well.

And if you can't tell them the facts, you could still tell them that he boke your trust/let you down/treated you badly and you & they deserve better.

The eldest definitely wouldn't like him if he knew. The youngest I suspect would still adore him but as you say due to innocence. They definitely deserve better.

@SleepingBunnies21

As a total aside, if you didn't notice any break or tear in the condom, i'm surprised you fell pregnant using them. Could he be stealthing?

What's stealthing?

In general, you've mentioned he's "vulnerable"; i'm not sure what that encapsulates.

You don't live together and that means you potentially have less of an overview on his behaviour/less chance of catching him in inappropriate behaviour.

His mate is talking a good talk (well, not really, it sounds bullshitty) but appears to have little respect for your relationship.

You've heard some dire stuff on what he says about you and your relationship from the woman he cheated on you with; that seems as or more likely to be true than not.

He may only have confessed because he thought, with her being part of a group that you know (to some extent) that it would get back to you. Especially if she thought she could talk openly about it because she thought he was single. Maybe it was more damage control than conscience.

There could be a lot more to him and his behaviour behind your back, it's worth considering.

What's stealthing?

Removing them mid act.

Some men do it for sensation.

Some because they get a thrill out of it.

‘She even offered to give me some money to make up for it.’

What?!

How much money would it take for you to feel un cheated on? It doesn’t sound like she’s ok and it seems that he may have taken advantage of that.

@Chocaholic9

Sorry OP, but I think you're making a big mistake if you stay with him. It's very clear looking from the outside in, but because you love him, you will want to deny it.

He not only slept with another woman, but he talked her into it, saying that you weren't together and also saying nasty things about you. I believe her. Why would she lie? He has something to lose; she doesn't.

I also believe her because I've been that woman who has had a one night stand with someone and then found out they were married when they said they weren't. That happened to me twice.

Fine to carry on as you are, as long as you are OK with this happening again; the cheating I mean.

I can only think she would have lied to protect our friendship and also because she wants to get back with her ex. But deep down I know there's at least a chance she is telling the truth. And my instinct is usually to believe the woman. Part of me thinks she must have known we hadn't broken up, though as she would have heard about it. Maybe he said he was going to or thinking about breaking up with me. But none of that makes it better, either way.

@Chocaholic9

I really do think that if you manage to extricate yourself from this relationship now, your future self will thank you.

If you continue with it, your future self will be cursing you a year or two years from now, and wondering what on earth you were thinking.

I"m sure you're right unfortunately.

@Lookingoutside

‘She even offered to give me some money to make up for it.’

What?!

How much money would it take for you to feel un cheated on? It doesn’t sound like she’s ok and it seems that he may have taken advantage of that.

Yeah she sounds v vulnerable.

The money thing sounds so desperate.

@SleepingBunnies21

In general, you've mentioned he's "vulnerable"; i'm not sure what that encapsulates.

You don't live together and that means you potentially have less of an overview on his behaviour/less chance of catching him in inappropriate behaviour.

His mate is talking a good talk (well, not really, it sounds bullshitty) but appears to have little respect for your relationship.

You've heard some dire stuff on what he says about you and your relationship from the woman he cheated on you with; that seems as or more likely to be true than not.

He may only have confessed because he thought, with her being part of a group that you know (to some extent) that it would get back to you. Especially if she thought she could talk openly about it because she thought he was single. Maybe it was more damage control than conscience.

There could be a lot more to him and his behaviour behind your back, it's worth considering.

I don't know if I know him atall anymore.

When I call him 'vulnerable' I'm refering to a chaotic, dysfunctional childhood including all types of abuse, a history of homelessness, a serious mental illness and needing to live in Supported accommodation. His family are still dysfunctional and he gets little support from them. He&s always been loving and kind to me and made me laugh...until now.

@SleepingBunnies21

What's stealthing?

Removing them mid act.

Some men do it for sensation.

Some because they get a thrill out of it.

Surely I'd know if he was doing that?

@Lookingoutside

‘She even offered to give me some money to make up for it.’

What?!

How much money would it take for you to feel un cheated on? It doesn’t sound like she’s ok and it seems that he may have taken advantage of that.

I have no idea! I have come to the conclusion she isn't in a great place. She has latched on to me a bit. She talks about her and her ex getting back together and that she hopes everything is ok with me and my BF and that we can go out together!! Everything seems a bit crazy right now.

@SleepingBunnies21 - yes, she does sound vulnerable. I get the impression she initially saw sleeping with my BF as a way to get back at her ex but now she is worried he will find out. I'm not sure if the money was meant as some kind of bribe?!

OP, since 4 people knew what happened, it’s possible that your BF confessed before word travelled back to you.

He has proven to be a selfish man with weak boundaries who feels entitled to pursue illicit thrills. He had plenty of chances to stay faithful that night, but didn’t think of you at all. He chose to follow the path to infidelity every step of the way, from the initial flirting with OW and staying behind at the hotel, all the way through to sex.

Beware of putting your future in the hands of this faithless man who made a fool of you and caused you to need an STD test. If you keep the baby, you can establish a workable co-parenting relationship with him. Otherwise, I wouldn’t set myself up for a life of mistrust.

@MsDogLady - thank you for the advice. Yes, he's been so selfish

This thread has been on here before many times but several years down the line.

Always something along the lines of....

My partner cheated on me once years ago, said it was a mistake, he was drunk etc. I stayed with him because I loved him and/or I was pregnant at the time.

Then the next bit tends to be is often about lack of trust, arguments, the partner telling her to get over it, that was years ago, she's controlling blah blah....sometimes the poster is an anxious mess because he's going on a lads weekend or stay weekend in Amsterdam with "those friends she hates".

After that there's often some kind of 'suspicious' behaviour, staying out all night, phone glued to him, finds condoms that he says his mate put there for a laugh or else the poster has found incriminating messages and there's no doubt he's up to no good but she really hopes she's wrong.

It's not worth it OP. The only relationship he can offer you now is one plagued with upset and lack of trust. It's not really a relationship worth having at all.

He's an idiot and he's not worth it!

You poor thing. I can't see why saying those things 'deflects blame'? If she wanted to do that surely the story would be he said you weren't together and didn't talk about you at all? If he had I wouldn't have done anything etc etc. To me her state of mind and vulnerability would suggest he was the one to 'talk' her into things not the other way around. Really you need to cut ties with him, stop messaging her, and realise that the other couple are not your friends. Base your decision to have the baby on whether you want to do so alone. At least for the foreseeable future. You are better than this. Remove yourself.

I’m so sorry op. What a mess he’s created.

I couldn’t stay with someone who did this, it would take more emotional stress and upset to stay than it would to leave.

You deserve to not have to second guess your partners every move, because he can’t be trusted.