He cheated on me

[OhChristmasTree2021]

Just looking for advice really as my head is all over the place. I've NC'd.

I'm a single mum with 2 DC. I have a boyfriend who I have been with for over 2 years.

A couple of weeks ago my BF admitted that he had cheated on me. He told me that he went out for a drink with a couple and another woman. He is good friends with the man of the couple and knows his girlfriend. The other woman is friends with the girlfriend but we also know her as she is the ex-girlfriend of a friend of my BF. They all went for a drink and then went back to the hotel of the single woman where she was staying while visiting her friend. They were all quite drunk and the woman came onto my BF and the couple left them to it. BF had sex with this woman and stayed overnight with her. The next day he confessed to me. He told me he loved me and it was a mistake.

I told him I needed time to think. However a week later I found out I was pregnant. This was not planned atall, I'm still in shock and not sure how it happened as I was using contraception. I'm not sure what I want to do about it but I felt I wanted to be back with my boyfriend. I love him and want to be with him.

Now, the thing that has done my head in is that when my boyfriend told me what had happened I sent an angry message to the woman involved. She told me that while she felt it was a drunken mistake (she says she has no feelings towards my BF) my BF said we weren't together and she wouldn't have slept with him had she known we were still together. She also said he told her I was a 'psycho' and controlling. She did tell me that he had not contacted her since.

I'm just so confused and I don't know what to believe.

@SleepingBunnies21

They were all quite drunk

The thing about being drunk is that; if you're really really drunk, so you don;t know what you're doing; you're very unlikely to be able to have full sex (I suppose as a woman you could but that would be essentially rape on the part of the man with her) ... as a man you couldn't. That level of drunkeness usually rules our intercourse. It usually ends in sleeping/passing out.

Which means he was drunk enough to loosen inhibitions but not drunk enough to not know what he was doing. So that's how he acts with inhibitions lowered. Not exactly trustworthy or loyal (or even sensible enough to go home when he felt he was not acting appropriately or likely to make good decisions).

He's rollling out all the excuses and minimisation; he was really drunk, she came onto him (he just couldn't turn her down, could he, the poor lamb).
She says she didn't and I'm inclined to believe her.

I think it's called cognitive dissonance when someone says one thing "i love you" but acts the exact opposite. It wrecks people's head.
The actions are the ones you have to pay attention to.

Yes, absolutely - he knew what he was doing. He only said they were 'quite drunk'. She admits she initiated but she thought we weren't together. I mean I'm not sure that is true but at the end of the day it doesn't matter. He still went along with it.

She could have perhaps set the whole thing up, I don't know.

I think not, but say she did ..... why did she/his mates choose your partner as the one (out of any of their mates, attached or single) who would be a suitable target/stooge for this setup??
What is it about him that would make her/them think he'd (not even single) be a good bet for making her ex jealous/huring him/annoying him/whatever. They would never have picked bloke they thought was loyal to his partner, incorruptable,not up for it etc., would they?
That would just have resulted in failure and humiliation for her, and that would be the opposite of what she wanted to achieve.

So even if she set it up (unlikely) she (and the mates) are telling you what their opinon or insider kmowledge on your partner is.

Also she oculd try to set anything up she liked; but it takes two to tango. Nothing was happening that he didn't play his part in.

Sorry, just a further thought on that; if she did set it up and took the chance that your partner may or may not be up for it with her (with no reason to think he would either way); he certainly proved himself an easy target, didn't he. Two years in a relationship and (if he truly hasn't cheated beforE) straight on there within one night.

@SleepingBunnies21

I know she's very lonely.

She's put of a relationship with one of their mates/acquaintances and lonely etc.

She sounds quite vulnerable and that makes him look even worse to me.

He shouldn't have cheated on you, hispartner of two years.
It is arguably dodgy, just shagging his mate/acquaintance's ex.
It is a bit predatry shagging his mate/acquaintance;s ex who people know is lonely, vulnerable.
If (which i think is more likely than not) he told her he was single, you were over, and was derogatory and dismissive towarsd you in order to get the shag with her; he's really predatory and dishonest, a real scum bag.

He's not coming across as a top bloke here, though i'm sure he spins a line making him appear lovely.

He also shits right on his own doorstep; with the mate's ex, and with a woman you know.
(Though that's actually a good thing because you were able to find out very important details form her).

She"s been single quite a while. There would have been previous opportunity if they so wished. Me and BF aren't joined at the hip. Yes, I think she is quite vulnerable, but I hadn't really realised before. If BF did take advantage of her vulnerability then yes, that would be horrendous but I'm not sure that's the case, tbh.

@HollowTalk - it wasn't set up as a double date on his part. It was a last minute thing the friend asked if he fancied going for a drink with them.

but she thought we weren't together. I mean I'm not sure that is true

Who knows, but i'm inclined to believe her.

He's a cheater.

It seems like strange stuff to make up (the dismissive & derogatory comments about you) out of nowhere, and it's actually in line with how those friends view your relationship; are they really so immoral or have they also been given the impression by him that our relationship is not valid/secure/high priority/respectful etc.

@SleepingBunnies21

She even offered to give me some money to make up for it.

This is pretty weird.

Yes, I know. I've told her she doesn't need to keep beating herself up, she's apologised and that's the end of it.

There would have been previous opportunity if they so wished.

Well sometimes these things bubble up/build up.

If he's seen her around/met her out before etc. maybe there's been flirtation/interest/whatever. People rarely ONS with people they know with absolutely no build up or background.

Yes, she could be lying about what he said about you and your relationship, but I'm inclined to believe her. His mates have no respect for your relationship and that's telling. Maybe they're awful but it's a bit of a coincidence that this girl he's shagged and cheated on you with says he denies your relationship and is derogatory towards you.

@dane8

Your getting angry at the wrong person, she’s not in a relationship Your bf IS He should off never gone there, but HE did He crossed the line, you honestly won’t forget and will definitely not trust him again

Oh no it's him I'm angry at not her. I mean I was in the moment but not now. Even if she set the whole thing up - he went along with it.

it wasn't set up as a double date on his part. It was a last minute thing the friend asked if he fancied going for a drink with them.

Well that wouldn't fit with the "maybe she set the whole thing up, to get at her ex etc" theory.

@SleepingBunnies21

She could have perhaps set the whole thing up, I don't know.

I think not, but say she did ..... why did she/his mates choose your partner as the one (out of any of their mates, attached or single) who would be a suitable target/stooge for this setup??
What is it about him that would make her/them think he'd (not even single) be a good bet for making her ex jealous/huring him/annoying him/whatever. They would never have picked bloke they thought was loyal to his partner, incorruptable,not up for it etc., would they?
That would just have resulted in failure and humiliation for her, and that would be the opposite of what she wanted to achieve.

So even if she set it up (unlikely) she (and the mates) are telling you what their opinon or insider kmowledge on your partner is.

Also she oculd try to set anything up she liked; but it takes two to tango. Nothing was happening that he didn't play his part in.

Yes, absolutely he is solely to blame for going along with it. But why would they have chosen him? Well, actually because he's very vulnerable himself. I don't know any of them that well but not sure they are the best friends. I've thought for a while the friend (the man) takes advantage of him. The two women have fallen out apparently. But still, he cheated on me, no matter the other dynamics at play. I don't know if I can forgive him despite how much I love him.

Well, actually because he's very vulnerable himself.

Not so vulnerable if he has sex with another woman on a night out with mates, while in a two year relationship, in which he's clearly having unprotected sex (i mean condoms) if you're pregnant.

And the report of what he told her about you and your relationship sounds more true than false.

I wouldn't call him vulnerable tbh.

You might have rose tinteds on.

@SleepingBunnies21

but she thought we weren't together. I mean I'm not sure that is true

Who knows, but i'm inclined to believe her.

He's a cheater.

It seems like strange stuff to make up (the dismissive & derogatory comments about you) out of nowhere, and it's actually in line with how those friends view your relationship; are they really so immoral or have they also been given the impression by him that our relationship is not valid/secure/high priority/respectful etc.

I'm really not sure. I mean that's certainly not the impression the friend has given me in the past. He has always said things like 'he talks about you all the time' to me. I spoke to him after BF confessed and he said he didn't know what BF was thinking and how he knew I was a good partner to him. His comment about the insults BF made was that the woman would say anything. But I don't know him well enough to know how true/untrue any of his comments were. It seemed odd to me that he was apparently so upset at what BF had did but yet seemed to be complicit in it happening.

If he didn't use condoms with her, he was risking carrying an std back to you, it does happen.

And in this case, the risk of an std for a pregnant woman, even if he didnlt think it was remotely likely, it still goes to show the implications of cheating partners for women of child bearring age.

Also if you have a brain you know condoms are foolprrof against some stds even if ou use them.

He didnt act likes he cares about you at all.

@SleepingBunnies21

it wasn't set up as a double date on his part. It was a last minute thing the friend asked if he fancied going for a drink with them.

Well that wouldn't fit with the "maybe she set the whole thing up, to get at her ex etc" theory.

Well, not really. She could have set it up on the basis of him coming along if asked. But I doubt it was a meticulously planned thing, but maybe not completely spur of the moment but something in between.

I spoke to him after BF confessed and he said he didn't know what BF was thinking and how he knew I was a good partner to him.

But he (and his partner) didn't think anything of leaving him drunk and drinking with this lonely, "unstable", single woman at her hotel, didn't think to enourage him to leave with them etc??

@SleepingBunnies21

Well, actually because he's very vulnerable himself.

Not so vulnerable if he has sex with another woman on a night out with mates, while in a two year relationship, in which he's clearly having unprotected sex (i mean condoms) if you're pregnant.

And the report of what he told her about you and your relationship sounds more true than false.

I wouldn't call him vulnerable tbh.

You might have rose tinteds on.

With all due respect I don't think you can comment if he is vulnerable just based on this snapshot. Vulnerable people can do wrong. In fact being vulnerable can lead to bad decision making. I may have have rose tinted glasses on regarding our relationship. But not regarding his vulnerability because that's not something positive.

At best he has so little respect for you that he shagged someone else on a night out. Best case scenario.

Most likely case he did so and spoke about you horribly to her, positioning you as a crazy ex - sound the misogyny / next level arsehole klaxon.

Worst case it was planned.

Even the best case scenario isn't the kind of person you want to build a life with, surely?

His comment about the insults BF made was that the woman would say anything.

But they happily socialise with her, and left your partner drunk with her at her hotel?

I think he's bullshitting. I think he's damage controlling and saying what he thinks will help your partner. "Oh, I wouldn't believe her, she could say anything, she talks shit" with the implication she's unstable/a liar.

But they still hang out with her, leave their attached mate drunk with her etc.

Oh and yes we use condoms and he used a condom with her. Still doesn't make it ok, of course.

@SleepingBunnies21

I spoke to him after BF confessed and he said he didn't know what BF was thinking and how he knew I was a good partner to him.

But he (and his partner) didn't think anything of leaving him drunk and drinking with this lonely, "unstable", single woman at her hotel, didn't think to enourage him to leave with them etc??

I know - I don't get it.

Did he use protection he could have two pregnancies to deal with. Op run this is a shit show.

Did he have condoms on him then? Or was he not so drunk that he had the wherewithal to go into a shop / toilet vending thing, after deciding to have sex with her, and buy condoms? Or does he say she had them on her?

@youvegottenminuteslynn

At best he has so little respect for you that he shagged someone else on a night out. Best case scenario.

Most likely case he did so and spoke about you horribly to her, positioning you as a crazy ex - sound the misogyny / next level arsehole klaxon.

Worst case it was planned.

Even the best case scenario isn't the kind of person you want to build a life with, surely?

I know. That's the bottom line - he cheated on me.

@SleepingBunnies21

His comment about the insults BF made was that the woman would say anything.

But they happily socialise with her, and left your partner drunk with her at her hotel?

I think he's bullshitting. I think he's damage controlling and saying what he thinks will help your partner. "Oh, I wouldn't believe her, she could say anything, she talks shit" with the implication she's unstable/a liar.

But they still hang out with her, leave their attached mate drunk with her etc.

I am so confused about it all! It really doesn't add up!

@HollowTalk

If he really said nasty things about you to the other woman, that would be really unforgivable, I think. Sleeping with her is bad enough but talking about you would like that is awful.

Also, he went on a date with her with his friend and the friend's partner. It was all planned. I would never be able to trust that friend and the partner ever again, never mind him. It's outrageous that they would go along with that.

The more I think about this the more I think I would end it now I'm afraid.

Yes I would get rid of the bf and the other couple. The baby is more complicated.