He cheated on me

[OhChristmasTree2021]

Just looking for advice really as my head is all over the place. I've NC'd.

I'm a single mum with 2 DC. I have a boyfriend who I have been with for over 2 years.

A couple of weeks ago my BF admitted that he had cheated on me. He told me that he went out for a drink with a couple and another woman. He is good friends with the man of the couple and knows his girlfriend. The other woman is friends with the girlfriend but we also know her as she is the ex-girlfriend of a friend of my BF. They all went for a drink and then went back to the hotel of the single woman where she was staying while visiting her friend. They were all quite drunk and the woman came onto my BF and the couple left them to it. BF had sex with this woman and stayed overnight with her. The next day he confessed to me. He told me he loved me and it was a mistake.

I told him I needed time to think. However a week later I found out I was pregnant. This was not planned atall, I'm still in shock and not sure how it happened as I was using contraception. I'm not sure what I want to do about it but I felt I wanted to be back with my boyfriend. I love him and want to be with him.

Now, the thing that has done my head in is that when my boyfriend told me what had happened I sent an angry message to the woman involved. She told me that while she felt it was a drunken mistake (she says she has no feelings towards my BF) my BF said we weren't together and she wouldn't have slept with him had she known we were still together. She also said he told her I was a 'psycho' and controlling. She did tell me that he had not contacted her since.

I'm just so confused and I don't know what to believe.

@Sidehustle99 - I haven't meant to minimise but perhaps I have. But yes, you are so right. This thread has helped me move more towards splitting from him. I think being honest why I am considering staying is probably pregnancy hormones and low self esteem as well as I struggle with change.

@Staryflight445 - I am still feeling utterly devestated and like I wish we could go back in time. I'm not sure what I'm going to do about the baby. I keep swinging towards wanting to keep it but then thinking sensibly it's not a good idea. But then I don't know if I could go through with an abortion. I"m secretly wishing for an early miscarriage I need to split with him but I would find that so hard. I don't know how to get the courage to do it.

@SleepingBunnies21

before he apparently told her you guys had 'split up'. She knew you hadn't

If she knew they hadn't broken up and the ons was an illicit one ..... neither of them would want people to know about it (him because he'd cheated on his partner of two years, and shagged his friend/acquaintance's ex, and her because she'd been the person he cheated with, that makes her look like a bitch/slapper/home wrecker, before even getting onto her ex she wants back with ......

Why would he run and tell op - pure conscience? Unlikely.
More like he thought this woman would tell and it would get back to op. She'd be unlikely to tell if it was an illicit, cheating ons that made her look bad. But she'd be more like to tell if he'd told her he abd pp were broken up & he was essentially single.

I'm inclined to believe her account more than his.

She is more likely to be telling the truth, but the bribing makes me think she knew far more than she's letting on and has something to lose. I don't believe either of them, certainly not him. He's the cheater after all, cheaters are liars.

Op you definitely deserve better than him. It will be a hard change, but you deserve better. It will only be hard at first, it will get so much easier with time.

@HairyFanjoBanjo

Not sure why you’re confused.. He’s cheated on you in a really cuntish way, with his friends knowing full well…

Just do yourself a favour and walk away as this has disaster written all over it!

I don't understand your confusion either.

He cheated.
His friends watched him (i certainly wouldn't want to be around them again).

I believe her.
He bad mouthed you.

If you have an ounce of self preservation you will terminate this pregnancy and dump this loser.

He's a cheat who spoke really badly about you.
Don't make things worse by having his child.

You have 2 children.
Mind them.

Don't bring this cheat into their lives permanently.

I am so sorry you are going through this. Take as much time as you can to make up your mind. No one who matters will judge you whatever you decide to do. Talk to the people who have your best interests at heart and not their own. What ever you decide you can do this

@billy1966 - because real life is complex, I guess.

@Sidehustle99 - thank you so much

his mental illness does not make him beneath me, I don't agree.

I didn't mean his mental illness made him beneath you; only that the while picture esp the cheating does.

But you're more likely to encounter problems with someone suffering mental.illness severe enough that they live in special, supported accommodation.

As for the trouble-free two years, tbh I think there's stuff you don't know about his behaviour and attitude during your relationship ... you don't just suddenly, randomly cheat and tell lies about your relationship status and diss your partner one night two years in. His friends attitudes suggest something off too.

Talk to the people who have your best interests at heart and not their own.

Like people pm this forum, who have pretty much, to a woman, advised op tp end the relationship. When you get such agreement on a thread on MN, thefs significant.

@SleepingBunnies21

I meant those close to her not MN :) I think MN is a fantastic place to get views and I agree that where there's a common theme the advice is usually very good and unbiased.

[quote OhChristmasTree2021]@billy1966 - because real life is complex, I guess.

@Sidehustle99 - thank you so much[/quote]
I mean this kindly, but life can sometimes be made more complicated.

There are times when if you take derisive action, it need not be so complicated.

You have two children that need you.

What they and you do NOT need is the complication of a cheat and another pregnancy in a wholly unstable relationship.

You can choose for this to be less complicated.

Your existing children do not need a home with such drama, an upset mother who is going to have another baby with a waster.

You have agency over your life.

This doesn't have to be messy and like some awful soap opera.

Your existing children deserve better.

Think of the children you have an obligation to do right by, not some accident with a cheater that is only going to make your life harder.

Lots of people make tough decisions so they avoid life being unnecessarily messy.

@billy1966 - thank you. My DC are my top priority. I will do this for them.

Good for you.

When you protect and mind yourself, you are helping your children.

They need their mum well.

Great posts @billy1966

How are you feeling OP?
Thinking of you

Thank you @billy1966 and @Moretodo

I can't stop crying. I feel terrible.

I’m currently 17 weeks pregnant with surprise baby 3, it was really tough to get my head around in the beginning and that’s without having all of this on top of that.

I think you need to separate the 2 op, your pregnancy and child- and him and what he’s done.

If you think you could do this alone and actually want the baby nobody would blame you for not having an abortion.

But equally if you don’t think you can go through with it, the abortion services are extremely supportive and can help you make a decision and help you once you’ve been through an abortion if that’s what you choose.

He doesn’t deserve your tears at all. Selfish git. Does he know about the pregnancy?

That is so understandable and relatable OP.

The timing may seem terrible, but in a way, it could be fortuitous, in six months time your options would be severely limited and the hurt would be so much more extensive.

Does your partner/ex partner? Know about the pregnancy? It might be wise to keep it to yourself until you are sure of what you are doing.

At this stage you have the option to take a pill and evacuate the pregnancy.

Have you sought help/advice around this? What are your thoughts?

I have been through similar, minus the cheating.
Two young DC, an unplanned pregnancy and a partner whose actions showed me he was not really on board/suitable, though he was good at talking support.

I took the termination route, early on, and although I was emotional and it was difficult, I look at my life today and know I made the right decision and have peace around it.
In fact, after I took that pill, he was supposed to come over and support me and did not show up until the following day, with a hangover.