He cheated on me

[OhChristmasTree2021]

Just looking for advice really as my head is all over the place. I've NC'd.

I'm a single mum with 2 DC. I have a boyfriend who I have been with for over 2 years.

A couple of weeks ago my BF admitted that he had cheated on me. He told me that he went out for a drink with a couple and another woman. He is good friends with the man of the couple and knows his girlfriend. The other woman is friends with the girlfriend but we also know her as she is the ex-girlfriend of a friend of my BF. They all went for a drink and then went back to the hotel of the single woman where she was staying while visiting her friend. They were all quite drunk and the woman came onto my BF and the couple left them to it. BF had sex with this woman and stayed overnight with her. The next day he confessed to me. He told me he loved me and it was a mistake.

I told him I needed time to think. However a week later I found out I was pregnant. This was not planned atall, I'm still in shock and not sure how it happened as I was using contraception. I'm not sure what I want to do about it but I felt I wanted to be back with my boyfriend. I love him and want to be with him.

Now, the thing that has done my head in is that when my boyfriend told me what had happened I sent an angry message to the woman involved. She told me that while she felt it was a drunken mistake (she says she has no feelings towards my BF) my BF said we weren't together and she wouldn't have slept with him had she known we were still together. She also said he told her I was a 'psycho' and controlling. She did tell me that he had not contacted her since.

I'm just so confused and I don't know what to believe.

[quote OhChristmasTree2021]@SleepingBunnies21 - yes, she does sound vulnerable. I get the impression she initially saw sleeping with my BF as a way to get back at her ex but now she is worried he will find out. I'm not sure if the money was meant as some kind of bribe?![/quote]
That seems a bit contradictory.... set up a sexual encounter/ons with your exs acquaintance to get back at him/annoy him, but then be scared he'll find out about the and not want him to find out about it.

Im not saying people can't be contradictory but it seems more likely she was vulnerable, drunk,
fed lines by your partner, (perhaps? a little bit defiant towards her ex; slept with him; then started worrying if her ex found out it would end any hope of him getting back with her.

I don't think she switched between "I'll shag his mate/acquaintance, that'll piss him off, he'll hate that", with no thought whatsoever to it affecting his prospects of getting back with her; to "Oh fk, I've shagged this guy he knows, if he finds out, there's no chance he'll get back with me". It seems unlikely.

It certainly seems to rule out the "set up," theory.

Surely I'd know if he was doing that?

For the sake of argument, some women don't feel the difference (though usually they're drunk when men do that), and I suppose he could look like he was taking off and disposing of a condom hed set close by by the time you saw what he was doing ..... but I suppose its unlikely.

I'm.just surprised a condom neither of you noticed as split/torn etc failed and you've ended up pregnant using them.

Maybe that's just my lack of knowledge of condoms.

not sure if the money was meant as some kind of bribe?

Maybe.

It's a bit odd and desperate.

And the desperation for her ex not to find out would again not suggest a calculated plan.

(I think her ex will find out through the couple who were there anyway so its pointless; they left she and your partner to it when they knew that were drunk and she is vulnerable ..... and the man has been v derogatory towards her since, so they're not exactly great friends of hers, are they? Even the woman whose mate she's supposed to be; if my mate was taking a break up really badly (for quite a long time), was fixated on her ex, was visiting me in my town, drunk on a night out with a hotel room a short distance away, and apparently getting flirty with an attached friend of my partner's (who also knows her ex) I dont think I'd leave them to it without trying to intercede in the slightest.

They don't sound like nice people and I doubt they'll keep it all to.themselves ongoing.

Back on the general subject; there's clearly a dysfunctional, sad (for her) situation going on within this loose group, around around woman and her ex. She sounds long term hung up on her ex, he, on the other hand, if hes not gotten back with her in quite some time, sounds like he's not bothered; she's kicking around, not moved on, not emotionally healthy, and is engaging in behaviour like this (getting off with acquaintances of her ex, then shouting herself about him finding out, trying to bribe people not to tell etc).

The point im waffling towards is that I was a potentially messy situation, that anyone with sense and self respect and compassion for her would have stayed clear of (that's without even getting onto your own relationshipstatus and cheating); ....... instead, over time and with alcohol, your partner has plunged right into the middle of it, and cheated ojma partner of two years who's kids he's gotten close to, on top of everything everything else.

He didn't have to, he couldve swerved the situation; even if single. But he wasn't even single.

This is not an individual you want you and your kids subjected to. He acted like you didn't exist on top of launching himself right into the middle of this sad, dysfunction situation. And I believe he said those things about you and your relay too. I don't think she made them up.

*shitting herself, obviously

Also your partners mate has said "I would t believe anything she says, she could say anything:,aka she's a liar; but why is he being asked, why is his opinion truthful or valid?

What friend is he to you, that he and his partner saw two people (supposedly supposedly friends) gravitating towards each other drunk (one not single, the other hung upmon her ex and vulnerable) and didn't apparently even try to remove him from the situation by packing him off in the taxi with them? They just left them at her hotel.

Hes no friend of yours, and he doesbt even look.out for his mate, who presumably he knows is (according to you) vulnerable in some ways too.

He's not exactly trustworthy and upstanding, is he. He sounds like he just said whatever dismissive, vague thing he thought would stop the awkward questions from you and help his cheating mate who apparently doesbt want to be dumped.

He lied and slagged you off to get another woman into bed, then blamed drunkenness.

You can't trust him. he's a cheater. And he doesn't care if his friends know, and they surely did.

Get rid. You deserve better. Don't tell him about the pregnancy unless you decide to go ahead with it.

@user1481840227

This thread has been on here before many times but several years down the line.

Always something along the lines of....

My partner cheated on me once years ago, said it was a mistake, he was drunk etc. I stayed with him because I loved him and/or I was pregnant at the time.

Then the next bit tends to be is often about lack of trust, arguments, the partner telling her to get over it, that was years ago, she's controlling blah blah....sometimes the poster is an anxious mess because he's going on a lads weekend or stay weekend in Amsterdam with "those friends she hates".

After that there's often some kind of 'suspicious' behaviour, staying out all night, phone glued to him, finds condoms that he says his mate put there for a laugh or else the poster has found incriminating messages and there's no doubt he's up to no good but she really hopes she's wrong.

It's not worth it OP. The only relationship he can offer you now is one plagued with upset and lack of trust. It's not really a relationship worth having at all.

He's an idiot and he's not worth it!

Thank you for that. Puts it in perspective.

Ok, in this situation it's best to base your decision on what you do know and that is that he slept with her. You will never know if what he said to her was true or if it was vindictive on her side.

@SleepingBunnies21 - no he's no friend to me. And I don't appreciate the woman being dismissed like that. His behaviour was very 2 faced. I didn't seek him out. I just chatted to him in passing as he lives in supportive accommodation with my BF. That is the link between them - they are all in supportive accommodation (not that they get any support) - they all have serious mental illness so tbh that's why this situation is all over the place.

@SleepingBunnies21

Surely I'd know if he was doing that?

For the sake of argument, some women don't feel the difference (though usually they're drunk when men do that), and I suppose he could look like he was taking off and disposing of a condom hed set close by by the time you saw what he was doing ..... but I suppose its unlikely.

I'm.just surprised a condom neither of you noticed as split/torn etc failed and you've ended up pregnant using them.

Maybe that's just my lack of knowledge of condoms.

Oh no that definitely didn't happen then. I don't get drunk. I'm guessing he just didn't notice I don't really look tbh - more fool me.

@Sillawithans - thank you, that makes sense.

OP. He's cheated. He has serious mental health issues to the extent he is in specialised accommodation. You sound like a decent person. End this shit show. You are signing up for a lifetime of misery trying to have a relationship with him after this.

......supportive accommodation with my BF. That is the link between them - they are all in supportive accommodation (not that they get any support) - they all have serious mental illness so tbh that's why this situation is all over the place.

To be fair I don't know much about supportive accommodation but the "serious mental illness" would would anyone pause; this hist doesn't sound like a good person or situation to involve yourself and your kids in.

I'd I'd concerned even if he wasnt a now confirmed cheater who apparently trash tslked you and denied your relationship. But this ....

You've given him a chance man people would not have; he's trashed it. I dont mean to offend but you're going beneath yourself here, given you're a stable, regular person and Mum (who doesn't cheat on him).

*many people

or if it was vindictive on her side.

She's worried op will publicise the ons and damage her chances with her ex, why would she wind her up like that? I'm inclined to think he did say it.

HIs mates clearly thought nothing of leaving him to, at best, act inappropriately, at worst damage his relationship, maybe they know stuff op does not.

I think they are both liars and both dickheads.

He slept with another woman, he called you nasty things to her, he's not vulnerable, he's a twat.

She took a condom deliberately to sleep with him, before he apparently told her you guys had 'split up'. She knew you hadn't, she's just saying that so you will stay friends with her. And trying to bribe you so you don't tell her ex.

I'd dump him, ditch her as a 'friend', probably tell her ex so he doesn't make a mistake and take her back without knowing what she is like, and I would personally terminate the pregnancy because I wouldn't want any ties to him. But I know that's not for everyone, so that part is your decision.

But I think you would be making a massive mistake to forgive either of them. They are both shit people, you deserve better.

Just run.

She took a condom deliberately to sleep with him, before he apparently told her you guys had 'split up'. She knew you hadn't, she's just saying that so you will stay friends with her.

For the sake of argument, ops partner was a last minute, impromptu addition to rhe night out. Also, she's a single woman visiting a different town, going out on ybe town with her mate (and mates partner) and staying in a hotel; she may have brought condoms with her in case she hooked up with anyone.
I wouldn't assume there were definitely for ops partner, who arranged to join them relatively last minute.

Also if she really did buy condoms because she heard he was coming along, she'd have to gave hern pretty fkg certain/optimistic he'd have sex with her ...... I wonder why.

More like she got some condoms on hotel toilet when it became clear he was coming back to her room.

probably tell her ex so he doesn't make a mistake and take her back without knowing what she is lik

If her ex hasn't got back with her in what sounds like quite a while, it doesn't sound like he's going to.

before he apparently told her you guys had 'split up'. She knew you hadn't

If she knew they hadn't broken up and the ons was an illicit one ..... neither of them would want people to know about it (him because he'd cheated on his partner of two years, and shagged his friend/acquaintance's ex, and her because she'd been the person he cheated with, that makes her look like a bitch/slapper/home wrecker, before even getting onto her ex she wants back with ......

Why would he run and tell op - pure conscience? Unlikely.
More like he thought this woman would tell and it would get back to op. She'd be unlikely to tell if it was an illicit, cheating ons that made her look bad. But she'd be more like to tell if he'd told her he abd pp were broken up & he was essentially single.

I'm inclined to believe her account more than his.

Anyway, you could theorise all day about who's lying; but the basic facts are that he's admitted having sex with another woman on a night out (quite a vulnerable woman who's not recovered from her previous failed relationship) after two years of building a relationship with op and her children, and that he lives in supported accommodation for people with serious mental health issues.

Neither are making him look like relationship material for a wise person.

This is what you BF does when he gets the opportunity. I think you should consider why you are trying to minimise his part in this. The OW is irrelevant, it could have been anyone. Instead of listening to the excuses - because that is what they are, think about if this it the relationship you want to settle for? Settling is what it would be if you stay because this BF obviously has no respect for you at all. Are you considering staying, it sounds like you are with all the commentary about he said, she said. You sound like a lovely person and you definitely deserve better treatment than this.

How are you feeling about the situation op?

Have you any idea what you’re going to do?

@SleepingBunnies21 - his mental illness does not make him beneath me, I don't agree. Most of our relationship he has actually been really stable it has only been recently that he has needed some support which he isn't getting - but that's another story! I can agree he is beneath me for cheating on me, though. The woman did not want me to know. In fact she initially denied it. I think because she seems so nervous about her ex finding out. They are 'talking' apparently. Why did my BF tell me? I don't know. He could have been wanting to be honest or there could be another reason.

@FreedomFaith - whether she planned to come onto him I don't know. I'm pretty sure she knew we weren't separated but whether he told her we were or he was going to split I don't know. I mean I never expected him to be able to cheat on me so I suppose he could have said and done anything.