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Original poster

Fiance has an embarrassing surname and I don't want to take it...WWYD?

410 replies

sweetsinger · 05/11/2021 02:50

NC for this as it could be outing.

My boyfriend proposed to me a couple of weeks ago, which I am beyond delighted about. He is a great guy and we suit each other well.

Something that is causing me a lot of anxiety (hence why I am awake at 2.44am) is the prospect of having to take his name. He has a pretty embarrassing surname. I don't want to write it here because it could be outing but it could be likened to something like 'Meacock'.

I like my surname, it is fairly standard, think along the lines of 'Richards', and I feel that there is a real dilemma in taking his name. At the risk of sounding petty:

  • I don't like it
  • If we have children (which we hope to), they will be obvious targets for bullies
  • I prefer my surname

A simple solution would be for him to take my surname - I mean it is the 21st century - but:

a) he is pretty traditional so I doubt he would want to do that
b) I don't want to offend him or his family by suggesting this

The two points above also fit for if I keep my surname. I would also like to have the same surname as any potential children so me keeping mine and him having his wouldn't really work.

I have thought about double barrelling but Richards-Meacock still isn't great...

I know I am being petty as I would have no problem with taking his name if it wasn't so embarrassing and associated with penises.

What should I do??

OP posts:
kirinm · 05/11/2021 08:56

We'd have also double barrelled by DDs name (second partner, not husband) but our surnames are too long and she'd have trouble spelling them and then getting them to fit on a piece of paper. My surname is her middle name.

Jenny70 · 05/11/2021 08:57

I grew up with a surname with "cock" in it. I don't remember ever being teased about it, perhaps my brothers' did. I was very happy to change my name when I got married, not so much to avoid teasing, but it was the constant spelling of it, as everyone avoided cock by adding extra letters. But I also have regret when there are so many "Richards" on the list/in the system - my old surname was usually the only one there!

I guess if it's important to your husband to continue the family name, then rest assured that it's not the end of the world. Yes there may be some teasing, but I think every child has been teased at some point over something... it kind of gives them a soft target that isn't very personal (not a nose, or how clever they are, just a name they were born with).

Overall, it's a good opportunity to talk through your feelings and your husband's feelings over it now.

NavigatingAdolescence · 05/11/2021 08:58

I wouldn’t change my name on marriage if a gun was held to my head. DH is from a “traditional” family but never ever asked me to even consider it.

I did suggest is choosing a new name together but he wasn’t keen (I suspect worried about how his parents would take it). So 17 years on we still both have our names and DD has both of them (mine as a middle name). I have never, ever answered to Mrs Hisname (have remained Miss/Ms when a title is required).

This is rarely a consideration for men. It’s a practice hungover from horrendously sexist principles where women weren’t legally people in their own right. Why any modern woman would do it, tradition or not is utterly beyond me.

PlasticPlantsDontDie · 05/11/2021 08:59

No, I just think I should be allowed to change my name if I want to without being accused of being subjugated.

No one is accusing you of being subjugated. Change your name if you want to but don’t pretend you’re not the least bit influenced by social norms. We all are.

ancientgran · 05/11/2021 08:59

@ExceptionalAssurance

A name that has come down the male line, which most of us won't actually know if we have anyway, is not the same thing as a man's name ancientgran. And it's equally true of men and women, so if OPs name is not really hers because of how she got it, her DHs isn't his either.
I didn't say it was a man's name, I said it came down the male line and maybe that was what the poster meant.
Tal45 · 05/11/2021 09:00

If you have a 'better' surname why doesn't he take yours? The woman always taking the man's is a pretty outdated idea.

ImUninsultable · 05/11/2021 09:00

This is happening more and more.
If he gets annoyed that you want the children to have his surname, then fire back with, "We're not living in the 50s anymore. You dont get to have this just because you're a man."

Tell him you're not doing it that way and he needs to decide how important it is to him because you're not doing it so that's that.

Men just assume it will be their name that is used. But if a woman assume it will be hers, he gets annoyed? Why? Why is it ok for him to assume and put his foot down but you wont because you dont want to upset him? He wont care about upsetting you because he's a man and thinks it's hisright. r

ImUninsultable · 05/11/2021 09:01

*its his right. Well it isnt. You have just has much right as him to say you're using yours. He needs to wake up and realise that a penis doesnt make him better or more worthy than you and you are allowed to say this. And stick to it.

PlasticPlantsDontDie · 05/11/2021 09:03

If you have a 'better' surname why doesn't he take yours? The woman always taking the man's is a pretty outdated idea.

You see so many women saying they took their husband’s name because theirs was embarrassing. Surely OP’s DH would feel the same

fumfspos · 05/11/2021 09:06

If it's Woodcock definitely don't use that for you or the children.
I know someone called Woodcock and he suffered years of teasing about it even as an adult. He hasn't changed it though.

DGFB · 05/11/2021 09:08

I haven’t changed my name, I don’t want to! I find it so old-fashioned this idea that women are “given” to men and must take their name. It’s ridiculous.
The children one is more tricky.. you just have to be really honest and say you’re worried about bullying. Ask him to consider you all becoming your name

Verfremdungseffekt · 05/11/2021 09:09

Grow up, OP. It’s 2021. No need to go along with that kind of reactionary patriarchal bullshit. If the women around you are perpetuating that kind of crap, find new and better friends.

Nopetryagain · 05/11/2021 09:09

Taking the husbands name isn’t automatic and shouldn’t be assumed. Don’t do it if you don’t want to. I highly doubt he or his family are oblivious to the fact their surname is embarrassing. Just be honest and succinct about it, don’t let it become a’thing’.

I took my husbands name because it is a bloody brilliant joyful name and so much better than my family surname so I chose to take it. He never assumed I would and was surprised. Had been boring or embarrassing there is no way in hell I would have taken his name. We were able to talk about it, why aren’t you comfortable talking about this with your fiancé?

cloverleafy · 05/11/2021 09:09

My husband changed his name to mine. I felt strongly, he didn't. It was a little bit awkward, briefly, with the inlaws, but I was happy, my husband was happy and that is/was what mattered. I'm talking 20 years ago, so even more unusual possibly.

RedToothBrush · 05/11/2021 09:09

If you don't want it, don't take it.

Obligational guilt is not a good way to start a marriage.

If he wants to marry you he needs to respect this. A marriage isn't one way traffic for a woman to pander to her husbands family.

You dont have to double barrel your kids. You can use one name as a middle name.

Your husband is likely to have been bullied as a child because of it. Ask him why he wants to put his children through the same. His response will be interesting.

Subbaxeo · 05/11/2021 09:15

I got married 4 years ago and just kept my own name. No issues. No particular ideology about it, I just couldn’t be bothered with all the hassle of changing when keeping my name was so much simpler. It tends to be older people who question it-like work colleagues (older-I’m nearly 60!).surely in the 21st century, it’s not a big deal, is it?

Subbaxeo · 05/11/2021 09:17

To add-what was a big deal to me was that my dh is kind,loving and nice to be with-which he is. If your dh to be is those things, count yourself lucky and don’t stress about your name.

FionaCorkesWardrobebyKamizole · 05/11/2021 09:18

Keep your surname, and let any future DC have your name too. My ex-DH had an awful surname, but I could use the excuse that I needed to keep my surname for work, which he didn't mind. Unfortunately I agreed that the DC could take his name, and now we have different
surnames, and they are teased at school. Plus I have the trouble every time I take them abroad that we get pulled over and asked for proof that I am their parent due to the different surnames.

Ex MIL still sends me cheques (which I can't cash) and cards in her family name, I just say thank you and bin them.

MarlowMafia · 05/11/2021 09:19

Your values are very conservative and traditional, therefore you must follow them and take his name and give it to any children you have. Don’t get distracted by the ugliness of his name, that’s superficial.
(My assessment of your values is based on the fact that you don’t inherently have a problem with changing your name, you are signed up to this idea of a ‘family’ name, and you think the feelings of your husband and his family are more important than yours.)
My values are the polar opposite. I wouldn’t marry anyone who would consider name-changing as an option. I didn’t change my name and my children have my name. I followed my values and I think you should follow yours.

category12 · 05/11/2021 09:23

@Subbaxeo

To add-what was a big deal to me was that my dh is kind,loving and nice to be with-which he is. If your dh to be is those things, count yourself lucky and don’t stress about your name.
Yeah, but it's not just about the OP.

If/when they have children, an embarrassing surname sets them up for teasing and potentially bullying.

NavigatingAdolescence · 05/11/2021 09:24

@Subbaxeo

I got married 4 years ago and just kept my own name. No issues. No particular ideology about it, I just couldn’t be bothered with all the hassle of changing when keeping my name was so much simpler. It tends to be older people who question it-like work colleagues (older-I’m nearly 60!).surely in the 21st century, it’s not a big deal, is it?
I started a job 5ish years ago and my then HR Director - a woman - just could not get her head around it. She was 50 and had very traditional ideas about marriage despite being a high flyer. I asked her not to refer to me as Mrs, and got a barrage of questions about why. I calmly explained that I had not changed my name on marriage and did not feel that women should have to declare their marital status in their titles when men don’t.

She just couldn’t understand:

  • was I not proud of being married? (not particularly, I’ve signed lots of legal contracts in my life without signalling this as part of my identity - we also don’t wear wedding rings);
  • isn’t it illegal? (Do you think women should be forced to change their names on marriage? What an odd idea. What would lesbians do? );
  • wasn’t my husband upset? (No, because he is a grown up);
  • isn’t our daughter confused to have a different surname to me? (No, because my name is her middle name. She loves that she has both family names in hers and declares she will never change her surname).

She wound me up so much I gave her a mini lecture on abject sexism being perpetuated today, and that as professional women we should recognise and support each other, particularly when the patriarchy rears its ugly head in everyday scenarios.

She called me Ms from that point on. Grin

MiddleParking · 05/11/2021 09:25

I had a childishly humorous surname and gave my kids my husband’s very nice surname/changed mine to his on my passport etc when we got married. No one took the slightest bit of notice and absolutely everyone continues to refer to me as said childishly humorous surname. Myself included mostly, as I simply can’t make myself remember that I’ve changed it.

I bet OP’s fiancé’s surname is Mycock. I know loads of them, very common where I grew up, and it’s generally the combo with the first name that dictates how much teasing they get.

Subbaxeo · 05/11/2021 09:26

I also think you’re overthinking the targets for bullies-children tease each other (not necessarily bullying) about all sorts of things. I got teased for my surname when I was a kid as did most of my classmates as there is always something you can do with a name to rhyme it with etc. Kids don’t get bullied-that is, meanness, shunning, etc because of their name but because the little shits get their kicks out of picking on their victim.

TirednWorried · 05/11/2021 09:27

Keeping your name is easy. The problem is going to arise when children arrive.If they dont share your DHs name people will assume he isntt the father

Naunet · 05/11/2021 09:30

@Subbaxeo

To add-what was a big deal to me was that my dh is kind,loving and nice to be with-which he is. If your dh to be is those things, count yourself lucky and don’t stress about your name.
That’s not lucky, that’s baseline. And if he’s so bloody lovely, he won’t assume a woman would take his name anyway.