Fiance has an embarrassing surname and I don't want to take it...WWYD?

[sweetsinger]

NC for this as it could be outing.

My boyfriend proposed to me a couple of weeks ago, which I am beyond delighted about. He is a great guy and we suit each other well.

Something that is causing me a lot of anxiety (hence why I am awake at 2.44am) is the prospect of having to take his name. He has a pretty embarrassing surname. I don't want to write it here because it could be outing but it could be likened to something like 'Meacock'.

I like my surname, it is fairly standard, think along the lines of 'Richards', and I feel that there is a real dilemma in taking his name. At the risk of sounding petty:

• I don't like it
• If we have children (which we hope to), they will be obvious targets for bullies
• I prefer my surname

A simple solution would be for him to take my surname - I mean it is the 21st century - but:

a) he is pretty traditional so I doubt he would want to do that
b) I don't want to offend him or his family by suggesting this

The two points above also fit for if I keep my surname. I would also like to have the same surname as any potential children so me keeping mine and him having his wouldn't really work.

I have thought about double barrelling but Richards-Meacock still isn't great...

I know I am being petty as I would have no problem with taking his name if it wasn't so embarrassing and associated with penises.

What should I do??

@Polpette

Keep your name. Keep your name. Keep your name.

I speak as someone who married into an 'unusual' surname...and even if your husband's name was a nicer surname I would still say keep your own name.

I love my husband deeply, I have huge respect for his family, my surname (despite being odd) even brings me privilege and priority treatment. But despite all of that I lost something important when I gave up my own name, something that I can't put my finger on, but it makes me sad.

It's such an outdated concept when you think about it.

And don't get me started on people that address envelopes Mrs husband's first name, surname.

And don't get me started on people that address envelopes Mrs husband's first name, surname.

This. I'm quite happy to share DH's surname and have never have a problem being addressed as Mrs Grass + Hubby'sName, but get really pissed off with Mrs DH + Hubby'sName! I believe the former is technically still the "correct etiquette" for widows, which seems crazily antiquated!

I just don't want to be unkind, that's all

You have to get this out of your head. You are not being unkind! You are having perfectly reasonable feelings about a) not wanting to be saddled with an embarrassing surname and b) worrying about your future kids being bullied.

It is ok to feel like this! I really think that if this is the man you are going to marry, you need to practise bringing up difficult conversations with him! You have to stop floating ideas by him! Talk about it! Be clear. You can still be kind.

And whilst it's understandable to worry about your future kids, don't forget you would be landing yourself with this name for the rest of your life. Value yourself and your feelings! Names are important.

I just don't want to be unkind, that's all

Then don't be unkind to your kids and give them a name that will cause them to be teased and bullied throughout school, just to cater to a man's ego.

My Dh changed his to mine. He didn't like it either so it was an easy decision

Just keep your own name and let him keep his, and give your kids your name. I kept my original name partly because dh's is hard to pronounce but mainly because my name is far better anyway. DH has never even mentioned it. Many of my school friends did the same and we are in our 60's now so it's not even a modern thing. It is truly bizarre that women change their names on marriage.

Keep your name, OP.

There is no obligation whatsoever to change it. It's entirely your choice.

Why do women still feel compelled to take their husband's surname? Do what you want to do.

Just keep your name Can't believe this is even an issue?

Is he tying himself in knots about offending you and your family by insisting your name isn't good enough for him and his children?

Keep your name and give it to your children. Don't burden them for fear of upsetting your DH & FIL!

I do think it's slightly worrying that you are worried/anxious about this.

Why are you worrying about offending your prospective DH? I don't think, in the 20 odd years we've been together, I've really worried about offending my DP.

Are you so anxious you can't actually raise that with him? Is he judgemental, has he given you cause to be anxious about offending him?

Just keep your name for heaven's sake. Future children can be discussed down the line. You MUST NOT bow to pressure from anyone else on this.

I've a friend who was in the same position. She kept her name. The children have her name. Her dh kept his name. She did a good thing by ensuring the name was not continued to the next generation!!

I wouldn't even consider changing my name if I were to marry and I don't think any woman needs to give a reason as to why, beyond "I don't want to, it's my name". I'd think less of any man who expects his wife to change her name to his.

That said I wouldn't tell my fiance that the reason is because of his embarrassing surname because that is a little offensive tbh. I'm sure he's aware of the connotations. Just say you don't want to change your name and move on, and hold the line and don't feel you have to explain yourself.

OP, my exdh had the worst surname. Penis orientated but worse. I took it. Gave it to my kids. It was embarrassing but we were traditional and it didnt occur to me to not take it when I married him. I didnt want to..but of course. I was marrying into his family.

Old fashioned, maybe, but that was the way i was raised. Glad to be rid of it now but the kids still have it. They get a bit of stick but come on... who cares!? There will be harder battles to face and it's your identity as a family.

Has anyone actually asked you what you want?

Or is everyone assuming you'll take his name. Doesn't sound like anyone cares if you don't like it so why all the concern for everyone else?

Take some control OP. Don't just do what you think everyone else wants. You're a grown women who has her own opinions. If you think your children will have a terrible time with a rude sounding surname them advocate for them and do something about it.

Keep your own surname if you want, no problem there. But then the only fair thing to do with kids is to double barrel theirs.

@Tempusfudgeit

I hope you never live in Penistone, S. Yorkshire!

The first time I saw that I thought ooh, penis tone, how unusual! then, of course, I realized!

They get a bit of stick but come on... who cares!

Kids do. Kids who are teased / bullied. Some are ok, can brush it off etc. Others can't and feel isolated and shit due to teasing. If OP wants to eliminate the risk of her kids being teased for their name, she's making a responsible decision.

A friend had this situation and they solved it by dropping a single letter from they surname. You could also change just one letter eg instead of Maecock make it Maelock. That way you still have the link to family history.

Double-barrelling with your name last would be the easiest solution. Then you and the DC can drop the middle surname if you want. You need to chat to your DH about it and see if he has any ideas or even a view on it. It's difficult to predict whether someone will care about you taking their surname or not.
I took my husband's name on personal paperwork but for work I still use my own name. I have a professional reputation with my own name so it would have been odd to change it.

I love my husband deeply, I have huge respect for his family, my surname (despite being odd) even brings me privilege and priority treatment. But despite all of that I lost something important when I gave up my own name, something that I can't put my finger on, but it makes me sad.

I think it's sad that changing something as minor as your name makes you feel you lost something. It's just a name. I took my husband's last name because it was so much cooler than my own dull boring one. I lost nothing and am still me, just with a far cooler last name. If I hadn't liked his name, I'd have kept my own and he would have been fine with that.

It's such an outdated concept when you think about it.

Having a family name isn't outdated at all. What is outdated is insisting women refuse to take their husband's name as some sort of feminist fuck you. Being able to choose what is right for your family is what's important, not making a stand for the cause.

@sweetsinger

Some good suggestions for solutions, but more importantly, find some backbone or your last name will be the least of your problems. If he refuses to let you choose what you want to do then marrying him is a really bad idea.

My middle name is my Mum's maiden name and my surname is my Dads. I always liked my middle name but wasn't overly fussed about my surname. I wanted our kids to have his surname as we live in my country and the surname is a connection to his own. I liked it but he said whilst he liked the idea of his name he would agree with my decision. So we've fallen in to the more traditional pathway but it was our choice. He should be more open to your choice. Have his as a middle name and don't really use it? and then do the same for the kids?

I was teased for my first name. It has a long family history and whilst I am attached to it for me I absolutely didn't want it for my children. So if he loves his name and it has special significance for him it may be more worthwhile but if it is just 'tradition' then it's time to change the tradition into a new one.

You shouldn't be marrying a man if you can tell him that you don't want to take his name for fear of upsetting him You need to be able to have these sorts of awkward conversations with the person you intend to share you life with!

"Darling, I'll obviously not be taking your surname because it's an embarrassing one. I don't want the children to have to deal with it either. Do you want to take my name when we get married or do you not mind having a different one to the rest of us? As an alternative we could choose a different last name all together."

I know four men who changed their name on marriage. Two portmanteued their previous surname with their new wife's to create a new surname. One took the name of his wife. One had an unfortunate last name associated with a famous terrorist so on marriage both he and his wife took his middle name as their new surname (not this, but like they became Mr and Mrs James).

Who cares if his family are offended, it's YOUR NAME!?

I haven't read the whole thread but wondered if anyone had suggested chosing a new name for your new family? DH has an unattractive surname and I ended up keeping my own. We did however think about using an older family name in his family which was much nicer. The main reason we decided against it was that his name and mine double barrelled up nicely for our children.

The two things are quite different though ancientgran, so there's really no basis to think that's what the poster meant. But if you're right and they did, it's still nonsensical.