Fiance has an embarrassing surname and I don't want to take it...WWYD?

[sweetsinger]

NC for this as it could be outing.

My boyfriend proposed to me a couple of weeks ago, which I am beyond delighted about. He is a great guy and we suit each other well.

Something that is causing me a lot of anxiety (hence why I am awake at 2.44am) is the prospect of having to take his name. He has a pretty embarrassing surname. I don't want to write it here because it could be outing but it could be likened to something like 'Meacock'.

I like my surname, it is fairly standard, think along the lines of 'Richards', and I feel that there is a real dilemma in taking his name. At the risk of sounding petty:

• I don't like it
• If we have children (which we hope to), they will be obvious targets for bullies
• I prefer my surname

A simple solution would be for him to take my surname - I mean it is the 21st century - but:

a) he is pretty traditional so I doubt he would want to do that
b) I don't want to offend him or his family by suggesting this

The two points above also fit for if I keep my surname. I would also like to have the same surname as any potential children so me keeping mine and him having his wouldn't really work.

I have thought about double barrelling but Richards-Meacock still isn't great...

I know I am being petty as I would have no problem with taking his name if it wasn't so embarrassing and associated with penises.

What should I do??

I don’t think you should be marrying someone that you couldn’t talk to about this.

My grandma's family name was Cockburn. It was pronounced Coburn and I didn't realise until I started doing family history research that it was spelled Cockburn. Any chance of altering the pronunciation- most people will never see it written down?

If your main worry is bullying at school then what I would say is that this is unlikely. I’ve worked as a teacher in secondary schools, and now have children in primary school and name bullying just doesn’t seem to be a thing anymore. I think classes have diversified so much since when we were young, and there’s all sorts of names from all around the world and from different cultures, that children just don’t seem to do the name teasing anymore

I used to work in the NHS , so as a consequence came across many, many names that were 'interesting' .

One of the best was Fanny Tart!

@SirVixofVixHall

Well most of us already have a man’s name, as our surname came from our fathers.

Oh, don't women get to have our own names then? Why is a man's name his own, and a woman's name is her father's?

If you are going to marry him you should be able to be honest. If you can't be honest, you aren't ready to get married.

I had a friend in a very similar position (but 36 years ago). She explained that she preferred her surname to his and so wouldn't be taking it. He understood and in the end took her surname so the family all has the same name.

It doesn't have to offend him - it's just a fact that you prefer your own name. Plus it's 2021 and the default position is now to retain your own name anyway so he doesn't have much of a leg to stand on.

I would be nervous of his 'traditional' stance by the way. By traditional do you mean you should take his name / do most of the housework and cooking / take the financial hit when you have children?

Some people seem to be 'traditional' when it suits them, but don't worry with tradition when it doesn't.

If he wants to have the same name as his wife and children @sweetsinger then he's more than welcome to change his name to yours. I find this suggestion kills the argument because if he's not willing to give up his (embarrassing) family name then why should you?

I really don't think offending him or his family is a reason to take a name you don't like and impose that on your children. In fact it's no reason to take a name at all.

Just keep your own name.

I got married over 20 years ago and kept mine, and it wasn't even a big deal back then.

[quote sweetsinger]@Breakingmad I suppose I feel like it shouldn't be that important to me/rise above the dick associations?

@DriftingBlueIf I keep my name and give that to any DC we may have I worry about offending his family. And he is quite traditional so I think he would want me to take his name and not take mine, even though if I was him I would do it without a second thought to be rid of the negative associations! Maybe I need to be firmer about not wanting to take his name but I also don't want to offend or upset him.

@MrsCardone lol that made me laugh! I don't think a combination would work and it still runs the risk of offending him and his family.

I genuinely don't know how he and his siblings survived school with the surname that they have![/quote]
Do they need to know. I've never actually checked my GCs surnames, well except the one living with me so I need that one for forms/school etc.

Just introduce baby Richard/Jane or whatever.

Thinking about it I don't know if either of my DsIL use their own name or their husbands. Do people make an announcement about it?

On the other hand I worked with a Mrs Bastard. She styled it out and never let it bother her, always referred to her children as "the little Bastards." So that's another possibility.

[quote BudgeSquare]@SirVixofVixHall

Well most of us already have a man’s name, as our surname came from our fathers.

Oh, don't women get to have our own names then? Why is a man's name his own, and a woman's name is her father's?[/quote]
Men’s surnames come from their fathers too!

I kept my name, DP kept his name, DC have a new surname all their own so no “it’s their father’s name” or “it’s their mother’s name” situation. I don’t see the need to have the same surname as your children: my parents each kept their own names, but we the children had a double barrel, so we didn’t “match.”

Many friends have made up a new surname on marriage, either combining their surnames or coming up with something entirely new.

There are hundreds of options other than changing your name to his, yet over and over again it always ends up going that way because the man is “traditional”.

I’d add to the chorus saying you shouldn’t marry someone you can’t have this conversation with.

My cousin kept her maiden name and her daughter has her surname. Her husband hates his surname and didnt want their daughter saddled with it.

I was teased mercilessly about my original surname at school. I hated it so changed it by deed poll when I was old enough. My brother changed it when he got married, not to his wife's but a completely different name for the same reason. He didn't want his children to go through the same. However my birth father was no longer around to be offended.

If I were to remarry I wouldn't take my husband's surname for awakened feminist reasons. I don't think it would be unreasonable in this day and age to amalgamate both names for any children but keep your own on marriage.

I don’t think you should be marrying someone that you couldn’t talk to about this.

If you are going to marry him you should be able to be honest. If you can't be honest, you aren't ready to get married.

Totally agree.

I'd also be questioning the more 'traditional' aspects that he and his family expect you to adhere to...

@LyricalBlowToTheJaw

Well most of us already have a man’s name, as our surname came from our fathers.

No. If you are a woman and you have a surname, it's a woman's surname. If your view was correct, if our surnames aren't ours because our father had them first, then your father's surname isn't his either because he got it off his dad.

But most of us start off with a name that has come down the male line. Obviously getting less and less the norm but certainly for older people it would be normal.

My husband has mixed feelings about his name, perfectly unremarkable name, but it was from the slave owner who raped his great great grandmother (I might have missed a great there) so it has bad associations.

Names can be tricky.

@dresstokillmytime

If he wants to have the same name as his wife and children *@sweetsinger* then he's more than welcome to change his name to yours. I find this suggestion kills the argument because if he's not willing to give up his (embarrassing) family name then why should you?

I really don't think offending him or his family is a reason to take a name you don't like and impose that on your children. In fact it's no reason to take a name at all.

This.

And if his ego is so big he would rather his children are teased throughout their school life than have your name and / or him change his to yours too... I wouldn't think much of him as a father. Hardly putting them first is it?

I had this issue, though for cultural rather than embarrassment reasons. We kept our names on marriage, and when we had dc we changed both our names to the name we wanted the dc to have, which was neither of ours.

It’s not petty to want to keep your own name. I kept mine because it’s my name and I saw no reason to change it. DH’s name isn’t embarrassing - it’s fine - but I preferred my own.

Kids are double barrelled which seemed “fair” to me. But if DH had a rubbish or embarrassing name then I’d have been pushing for mine. I have a friend in his 30s who has his mum’s surname along with all his siblings because his dad’s surname was Potty.

A name that has come down the male line, which most of us won't actually know if we have anyway, is not the same thing as a man's name ancientgran. And it's equally true of men and women, so if OPs name is not really hers because of how she got it, her DHs isn't his either.

He doesn't care that you or your family might be offended about him not taking your name?

This is really quite sad in this day and age. I got married in the early 80s, kept my own name and all double barrelled when the children came along.

Almost 40 years ago, yet people are still agonising over what to do.

@LivingLaVidaBabyShower

I get it - keep your name.

My surname is not totally regular eg richards or smith but is the kind of name when you book stuff on the phone people regularly "oooooh i love your surname, it has a beautiful ring to it."

My husband's surname is primarily constants and almost unpronouncable... not the name exactly but think along the lines of pronouned roughly as Smithley, spelled Cemyphli and people pronounce it as"....erm... ...see my filly...?"

I use my married name for unimportant things (amazon anď what not) but i got married in my mid 30s.
I didnt want his name (its crap! And mrs cemyphli is my awful mil) but mentally prepped myself.
In the end i couldnt be bothered with the effort and admin ( i have pensions insurances the mortgage 5 diff bank accounts etc etc) to make my life worse so didnt bother.

But we have agreed our baby will get his shit surname

Why? And why the grin?

When I got married I kept my name. Divorced a while ago but if I ever got married again, I'd keep my name. I've had it too long to change it!

I kept my own name added it as a middle name for my children and they go by husbands surname in daily life but proudly give their full names when asked, they know its my family name.

Also I new of a couple and similar situation with names like yours so he had cock in his surname so they dropped the cock and amd combined both surnames.

I wouldn't want my child to be called say
Dave hiscock etc