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Original poster

Fiance has an embarrassing surname and I don't want to take it...WWYD?

410 replies

sweetsinger · 05/11/2021 02:50

NC for this as it could be outing.

My boyfriend proposed to me a couple of weeks ago, which I am beyond delighted about. He is a great guy and we suit each other well.

Something that is causing me a lot of anxiety (hence why I am awake at 2.44am) is the prospect of having to take his name. He has a pretty embarrassing surname. I don't want to write it here because it could be outing but it could be likened to something like 'Meacock'.

I like my surname, it is fairly standard, think along the lines of 'Richards', and I feel that there is a real dilemma in taking his name. At the risk of sounding petty:

  • I don't like it
  • If we have children (which we hope to), they will be obvious targets for bullies
  • I prefer my surname

A simple solution would be for him to take my surname - I mean it is the 21st century - but:

a) he is pretty traditional so I doubt he would want to do that
b) I don't want to offend him or his family by suggesting this

The two points above also fit for if I keep my surname. I would also like to have the same surname as any potential children so me keeping mine and him having his wouldn't really work.

I have thought about double barrelling but Richards-Meacock still isn't great...

I know I am being petty as I would have no problem with taking his name if it wasn't so embarrassing and associated with penises.

What should I do??

OP posts:
Naunet · 05/11/2021 08:12

Bloody hell, it’s 2021 for god sake. Do you see yourself as equal to a man OP or not? All this be kind bollocks over YOUR name. If his family are offended at your choice of YOUR name, I’d be offended at their misogyny.

He gets no say in this, your not his pet to rename. Find your backbone woman!

SVRT19674 · 05/11/2021 08:14

I don´t believe in adopting men´s surnames in marriage, weird thing to do in 2021. So as far as you are concerned, you're a grown woman, you dont take it full stop, and his family´s opinions don't come into it. The thing about the kids is more difficult, I think you will have to be honest with Mr Hardcock.

Ihaventgottimeforthis · 05/11/2021 08:15

This is a person you are going to spend the rest of your life with but you can't discuss an important issue with him in case he thinks you're being unkind?

Honestmary · 05/11/2021 08:16

My husband and I made our own surname up. We took 3 letters from his old name and 3 from mine.

justswaying · 05/11/2021 08:17

I thought the surname mustve been Peacock, which I quite like! But woah woah if it's Hardcock YANBU Grin

ZenNudist · 05/11/2021 08:18

If it is Meacock that's not too bad. I went to school with Simon Dick, he got teased!!! GrinGrinGrin

I still think he will want to keep his name and its a shame for you not to have same name as family. I think stand your ground in this. Like you say, it's the 21st century.

starfishmummy · 05/11/2021 08:20

Keeping your own name is fine. However "giving your name to any children" is not just your decision but his as well, so you are going to need to resolve this somehow, by actually talking to him.

Alez · 05/11/2021 08:22

Just keep your surname. Plenty of people do even where their fiance's name isn't embarrassing.

beigebrownblue · 05/11/2021 08:23

I kept my own name.
When I later divorced and became a single parent i knew I had made a wise decision as DD and I have the same last name and it was easier for school staff etc.

NotRainingToday · 05/11/2021 08:25

You could go for complete ownership and shorten Richards-Meacock to "Dick-cock"

#helpful

Just keep yours as pp have wisely suggested

Calmdown14 · 05/11/2021 08:26

Are there boys in your family line? If not that's a good argument for keeping your name going.
It makes it less 'your family name is awful' and more about preserving tradition on your side.
If you have a passport that needs renewing just before the wedding, you'll also need to keep your name to be able to travel so that should buy you a decade!

BaconMassive · 05/11/2021 08:26

LTB

Rubyflint · 05/11/2021 08:26

You need to be able to have an honest conversation with your fiancé. If you can’t, what sort of role model are you to your future children. Stand up for yourself OP, start as you mean to go on. Your future self will thank you. There is more at stake here than you realise.

theDudesmummy · 05/11/2021 08:28

I have been married twice. Would never have considered for a moment taking on someone else's surname, why should I? No-one ever commented (exept my first MIL and she was a silly old thing who I never paid any attention to).

PinkSparklyPussyCat · 05/11/2021 08:29

@alexdgr8

i am quite surprised that women these days even think of giving up their names. can you not see it is a sign of subjugation. when i was young, i would have thought by now that only some older women would still bind themselves like this. i find it quite sad. are you not an equal individual. why have your identity disappear.
I changed mine and I'm still an equal individual. I wasn't bothered by my surname and preferred his so I took it. My choice, nothing to do with it being a sign of subjugation.

Surely the important thing is that women have the choice.

BudgeSquare · 05/11/2021 08:29

Why on earth would you take any man's name?

There is no 'dilemma' here.

BudgeSquare · 05/11/2021 08:30

And why would you give your children his surname rather than yours?

Summerfun54321 · 05/11/2021 08:31

I had the same. I told people I’d change my name when I got married but just conveniently never got round to it. 5 years later and I still use my maiden name and no one really mentions it any more. It seems a big deal when you get married but really it’s a non issue. Kids have his name but I suppose could change to my name when they’re older if they like.

SirVixofVixHall · 05/11/2021 08:31

@Rainbowqueeen

I know someone whose husband changed his name to hers. Because of the embarrassment factor. She just refused to be Mrs Christmas.
I would absolutely LOVE to be Mrs Christmas. 🙂
SirVixofVixHall · 05/11/2021 08:32

@BudgeSquare

Why on earth would you take any man's name?

There is no 'dilemma' here.

Well most of us already have a man’s name, as our surname came from our fathers.
slug · 05/11/2021 08:32

I had this "dilemma". Not that his name was particularly rude but the combination of my firstname plus his surname was illiterative and, frankly, a porn name.

Our converstaion, held 2 days before our wedding went like this

DH "So....are you going to change your name?"
Me" Why? Are you going to change yours?"

And there endeth the conversation. DD has his surname because the combination of her names isn't so snigger inducing. Also it's easier to spell.

LyricalBlowToTheJaw · 05/11/2021 08:33

Is it possible to register a baby's name in the mother's name even if the father doesn't agree?

Ok, this is an important question OP.

Basically, a lot depends on whether you're married. For an unmarried couple, the choice is the mother's. Father can't even be on the BC unless you give permission (equally, you can't put him on without his permission if not married). In that situation the only way he could have a say is if he got a court order.

But when you're married, either parent can register without the other one there. If it came down to a disagreement, he's probably going to be fit to get to a registry office before you are.

Obviously you don't want a situation where you're still in disagreement over surnames when the baby is born, married or unmarried that's going to be awful. So it needs to be discussed and sorted now.

Fwiw, it would be a deal breaker for me if a bloke wanted to saddle our kids with an objectively problematic surname. Especially if it was on the grounds of tradition when he's been shagging you unmarried, which is usually the case in situations like these. His surname can always be in there as a middle name if he's bothered.

ArcheryAnnie · 05/11/2021 08:34

[quote sweetsinger]@HoppingPavlova I just don't want to be unkind, that's all[/quote]
You aren't being unkind.

There's absolutely no reason why any woman has to change their name on marriage. Most do it just because it is expected of them. Names are incredibly personal to people, imbued with meaning, and yet people never consider themselves "unkind" when they unthinking, automatically, expect women to give up their own names.

Do you think your fiance has spent a single second worrying that he is being "unkind" for expecting you to give up a slice of your own identity on marriage, or not having your children (which, frankly, you will have put a lot more bloody effort into producing that he will) have your surname? If he hasn't worried that he's being "unkind", why might this be?

Keep your name. If he's not straight out of the 1950s, he will learn to understand.

user64323 · 05/11/2021 08:34

What do you mean by traditional? Sexist and controlling?

I have loads of friends who didn't take their husbands surname, either for feminist principals or because they straight up didn't like their husbands surname or liked theirs more. There has been a combination of what the husband's did, one took the wife's name, one double barrelled, a couple kept seperate and my best friend and her husband straight up made their own new surname together.

I do think it is odd that you can't discuss this with him.

LyricalBlowToTheJaw · 05/11/2021 08:35

Well most of us already have a man’s name, as our surname came from our fathers.

No. If you are a woman and you have a surname, it's a woman's surname. If your view was correct, if our surnames aren't ours because our father had them first, then your father's surname isn't his either because he got it off his dad.