Fiance has an embarrassing surname and I don't want to take it...WWYD?

[sweetsinger]

NC for this as it could be outing.

My boyfriend proposed to me a couple of weeks ago, which I am beyond delighted about. He is a great guy and we suit each other well.

Something that is causing me a lot of anxiety (hence why I am awake at 2.44am) is the prospect of having to take his name. He has a pretty embarrassing surname. I don't want to write it here because it could be outing but it could be likened to something like 'Meacock'.

I like my surname, it is fairly standard, think along the lines of 'Richards', and I feel that there is a real dilemma in taking his name. At the risk of sounding petty:

• I don't like it
• If we have children (which we hope to), they will be obvious targets for bullies
• I prefer my surname

A simple solution would be for him to take my surname - I mean it is the 21st century - but:

a) he is pretty traditional so I doubt he would want to do that
b) I don't want to offend him or his family by suggesting this

The two points above also fit for if I keep my surname. I would also like to have the same surname as any potential children so me keeping mine and him having his wouldn't really work.

I have thought about double barrelling but Richards-Meacock still isn't great...

I know I am being petty as I would have no problem with taking his name if it wasn't so embarrassing and associated with penises.

What should I do??

So don't take his name.

Everything you say is about you being kind to him, capitulating to his wishes, thinking about what he might like before he says, perhaps even thinks it. Where is his opportunity, his space in the relationship, to do this for you?

I'd urge you to think about that. Then to really think about the long-term consequences of you doing all the thinking ahead and around things, the caring, the thoughtfulness, putting other people's interests before your own.

Understand that this is and will be his normal. His expected.

So much so that if you ever step back from choosing to put his interests first - for instance because you have babies and young children who need your full attention, he will feel miffed, left out, ignored, let down.

How he responds to that sort of situation will tell you everything you need to know about him, it will also be the make or break of your relationship.

It would be a really, really good idea to find out how he responds to you putting someone else's interests before his, also to you asserting that, in some instances, your interests are stronger and more important than his, before you get married.

Firstly - I can't imagine marrying someone you feel you have to tiptoe around like this. Yes, I get it - you don't want to 'offend' him - but that's totally not important when it comes to big things that you NEED to discuss. You can't have a good marriage like that. Either you should be able to sit with him, as an equal, and say 'I am really unhappy about this - how can we work on a solution?' or you should not marry him.

Scondly. I get that part of the issue is that you actually want a family name. This is reasonable. There are ways to do that without using his surname, and you could argue that it's equally unfair to then just use yours.

So you both adopt a new one. You've said he has already dismissed this - but he hasn't, has he - what's happened is that you've commented on this possibility and because you haven't been straight with him yet about this he's just commented that it's odd and left it as that.

That's very very different to saying - I do not want this surname and i don't want my children to have that name either, here's my suggestion on how to keep this fair'

You might get a very different response then!

Here's my suggestion - what's his middle name? Many male names are also easy surnames. So if he's Royston Alexander Myhardcock, you become Sweetsinger and Royston Alexander.

So you lose the bad surname, you still use a name from HIS side (would be great if his middle name is a grandparent name for example). And you all have the same name.

Thomas
David
William
John

etc. - all good plain surnames.

But most importantly - do not marry without this being sorted out, because once you are married, he has equal right to push/demand his surname. Do not get to this point.

Since when does getting married mean you have to change your name? Just don't change it. I didn't, and it's fine.

Also - if you want a family name, there's absolutely no reason that it can't be your name.

It's fine, and not that uncommon, to keep your own surname.

The issue of your future children's surname is a bit tricker because you should both have a say in that. Start the discussion now.

Meh just say you want to keep your own name 🤷‍♀️ You don’t need any other reason than that.

Give the kids your name if you have them if you like

Keep your own name.

Children can be "Balonz Meacock Richards" or whatever. Then they can choose whatever they like.

I felt incredibly sad giving up my name when I got married. That was 30+ years ago.
Don't do it.

You can't double barrel if you'd end up with eg Richards - Hardcock.

This made me laugh - I used to work for a company where I shared an office with another secretary. She used to answer her boss' phone (which rang constantly) with 'Good morning, Mr Maycock's Office' - used to make me chuckle! How she did it with a controlled voice, I don't know!

@Reptar

You can't double barrel if you'd end up with eg Richards - Hardcock.

Lmao I kind of love that one though...

Discuss it with him. He can't be that oblivious to it if it's that obvious.
Tell him you don't really want to take his surname.
He'll have to deal with that. He's surely not blind to the obvious unless English isn't his first language or he's never said the word 'cock' out loud, has never been in a rowdy school with loads of teenagers or is really polite and reserved or something.
The bigger issue is that you are tiptoeing around him and your perception of what will offend him and his family.
If you are going along with his traditional ways now, think about what 30 or 40 years of marriage doing that will be like.
Stand up for yourself woman. Tell him you aren't giving your kids a name with 'cock' in it and the reasons are fairly obvious.

No on the double barrell.
It'd end up worse.

Dick-Hardcock

My DD married someone with one of those names. She did take his name and the DC had his surname.
First day of school, DGG was teased.

When she divorced him she took her maiden name back which is very cool and changed the DC names.

I think it's sad that changing something as minor as your name makes you feel you lost something. It's just a name. I took my husband's last name because it was so much cooler than my own dull boring one

Sure, and that’s why so many men are willing to take their partners name right? Because it doesn’t matter….🙄

What if he wants to have the same surname as his children? Would I just say he has to change his name to mine? How do I go about telling him I want to keep my name without it being obvious that I'm embarrassed by his surname?

Surely this applies vice versa though? Tell him you want to keep your surname and so will your kids. If he says he wants the same name as the kids tell him to change it to yours, why should you be the one to change?

I made it clear from the off to my DP that I’ll be keeping my surname and our kids will be taking it too.

Dh worked with a man whose surname contained "bottom" and so when he and his wife got married they chose a completely new surname based on their honeymoon destination which was the name of a city and a completely normal surname already.

He told Dh that he had been teased all his life even adults raise an eyebrow and because of the tv show Bottom it was even worse. He said he could not put his future children through the name calling. Yes it did piss his parents off but he did point out that they didn't have an issue when his sister got married and took her husband's name. She obviously hated it too.

In this case why not think of a new name altogether that you can all share if he is unwilling to take yours. My female friend married a woman and they too came up with a completely new surname for both of them.

I deeply regret changing my surname, as I'd always loved it.... it was quite unusual. DH had changed his surname by deed poll to that of his stepdad's after his mum had passed away, only when he met me, his stepdad decided that he had no interest in him anymore and we lost contact (he was a very odd man). We later resumed contact with DH's father, and he was heartbroken that we (our DC included) all had another name......... and now we're landed with a surname of a family we've got no connection to. It's also a bit of am awkward name that no one ever bloody hears or spells correctly......... we get some howlers in the post. The postman actually stopped to ask what our real surname was one day

@NiceGerbil

Tricky one. And polarised views on this topic!

In general IMO

Loads of men even nice ones take as given wife will change name
However keeping name is imo pretty inoffensive to most. Reason identity work etc obv not your surname is awful!
Children. This is the rub. I think it would be difficult to find many men who would be happy with different surname to children. IRL most would assume not his kids. Crappy but that's how it is.

In your case. Tricky. Sensitive for couples parents etc as well.

How about you both keep own surname and any kids get double barrel? Best I can think of.

Agree with this. Even in 2021, many men, (even the nice, laid-back ones,) will be miffed and offended at his wife-to-be keeping her surname. And no WAY are most men going to let his children have her surname and not his.

A woman I knew (back in 1993) was getting married to her boyfriend of 3 years, and she was considering keeping her family name because she liked it, and she was an only child.

Her husband (to be) said 'are you kidding? let's just not get married then if you don't want my name.' She even suggested double-barrelling it, and he said 'no, it ain't gonna happen!' She backed down and took his name.

Like HELL would I have stayed with my husband, if I had wanted to keep my surname, and he had said 'right, no wedding then!' It's a definite red light for a relationship. I haven't seen her since 1995, so I don't know if she stayed with him.

That said, I genuinely believe (no matter what people write on here,) that most men will NOT be happy with their wife keeping her own surname, and I can't imagine a single solitary man being happy with the children having his wife's surname . As the poster above said, many people will assume they're not his children.

@sweetsinger

You have got to think outside the parallel universe of mumsnet. In real life, the vast VAST majority of women do still take their husband's name. Some independent young women will say they will never take a man's surname, but most of them will. Every single woman I know, has taken her husband's surname, yes even the professionals.

As I say, despite what some people say on here, most women take their husband's surname, and the kids have it too. If my husband (to be) had a dreadful surname, then as the poster I quoted said, it's very tricky. I honestly don't know what I would do.

[quote sweetsinger]@HoppingPavlova I just don't want to be unkind, that's all[/quote]
Well if my fiance was eg called Pratt I wouldn't take his name! Unkind or not.

Just don’t change your name? I didn’t change mine. I told him to like it or lump it because it’s MY name. I certainly wouldn’t be giving my child a penis related name either. Just say no!

If you cannot discuss this honestly with DF then you probably shouldn't be marrying him tbh.

Keep your name and DC can have your name, because his is a bit shit. If he would rather his DC were bullied than stand up to his family then much better you find that out about him now.

Why is what he wants and what his family want more important than how you feel?
I didn't take my husbands name. When I was younger I just assumed I would but when it came to it, I found I shied from a lot of the 'traditional' aspects that came from a time when women were not much more than property. Why should I be the one to change?
My children have their fathers name and I can honestly say it has never been an issue that we don't have the same name.

This shouldn't be something that you are worried to talk about, if you are getting married, you can't go into it thinking there are things you can mention really.

Anyway, I've been married for 25 years, I did take my husbands surname because it really wasn't a big deal either way. I had a really common surname, his was less so. We talked about it before we married and he said it was entirely up to me, which it was, he was stating the obvious, I think what he meant was that he didn't care while still sort of sounding as if he had any say in the matter - I forgave him -

At the end of the day, it's just something to use to identify yourself so what you choose just needs to be something that you are happy with.

I guess in the case of divorce it often makes it easier to decide what to do!

Friend changed hers back on divorce and one of her twins changed to hers and the other kept their dad's surname.

Don't change your name, particularly since his is embarrassing. I would (and have done) double barrel the children's name but use yours as their common usage name. My DC are doubled barrelled on birth certificates and passports (so no issues with travel etc.) but we only use their fathers surname at school/everywhere else, as my surname was the embarrassing one! I'm okay with it but I didn't want them to be embarrassed. Your future DH should understand and not want to give any potential bullies ammunition (was he picked on for it?) Stand your ground here, women have made these ridiculous concessions for long enough.

You keep your name, he keeps his name, it's the 21st Century.