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Original poster

My friend has basically said I won’t have a family

376 replies

SadSaltye · 04/11/2021 16:52

I’m 36 and recently single. I said I had started online dating again as I really want to try again and find someone I can build a life with.

My friend literally said well you’ll need to forget the kids part now, ‘only an insane man would have kids with someone in less than a long term relationship and you’ll be past it by the time anything becomes long term.’

I haven’t spoken to her since but actually I am starting to think she’s right. I need to do it within a year or so really. Nobody sane would do that with me. I feel so low. It’s all over isn’t it, that life I wanted.

OP posts:
FrazzledCareerWoman · 05/11/2021 06:31

It's a pretty insensitive thing to say -- but in your shoes if I knew I really wanted kids I'd be looking into doing it alone. Sure there is a chance you could meet someone "in time" but you need to be prepared also that it might not happen.
My friend recently single again at 38 wants more kids & I told her the same thing. Actually I think there are lots of positives to doing it alone.

Ginandplatonic · 05/11/2021 06:32

But as I said the OP can’t go back and live her life differently. She is 36, people are just saying don’t give up it may happen, and plenty of men are not averse to having children quickly. It’s completely different to saying to a 30 year old “don’t worry, it’s fine to wait, you’ll be fine”. Can you not see that?

And I’m not sure why you think your anecdotes of failure are more compelling than anyone else’s of success.

Ginandplatonic · 05/11/2021 06:33

That was to @fanx

SleepingBunnies21 · 05/11/2021 07:18

To be clearer I'm unaware of any mass study of women in their 40s ttc naturally.

Indoctro · 05/11/2021 07:25

My friend met her partner at 41 and had kids at 42and 44 and they are perfectly happy

salbodoodlecat · 05/11/2021 07:25

I met my second husband aged 38, got pregnant 11 months after meeting him and had twins aged 39. Lots of time for you. Your friend was out of order

fanx · 05/11/2021 08:04

@Ginandplatonic

But as I said the OP can’t go back and live her life differently. She is 36, people are just saying don’t give up it may happen, and plenty of men are not averse to having children quickly. It’s completely different to saying to a 30 year old “don’t worry, it’s fine to wait, you’ll be fine”. Can you not see that?

And I’m not sure why you think your anecdotes of failure are more compelling than anyone else’s of success.

It creates for a more balanced argument - failures as well as success. Harping on and on about success alone is misleading.
fanx · 05/11/2021 08:06

@salbodoodlecat

I met my second husband aged 38, got pregnant 11 months after meeting him and had twins aged 39. Lots of time for you. Your friend was out of order
'Plenty of time' argument yet again. YOU were successful how does this guarantee that Op will be?
Nowomenaroundeh · 05/11/2021 08:27

I had a similar panic when I turned 35 as a single woman, I thought that's it now, the life I imagined is not happening.

I was right! I never imagined I'd soon face the unexpected cancer diagnosis and terrifying journey I embarked on. I also did not expect to meet a man age 38, fall pregnant effortlessly and give birth to a perfect child age 40 despite my many many health complications.

On the other side, my seemingly perfectly healthy friend got married in her twenties, fifteen years later herself and her husband finally gave up trying to conceive after exhausting every avenue and nearly sending themselves bankrupt.

In short your friend doesn't have a crystal ball and has no clue what she's talking about.

I also use the term 'friend' loosely as that was a wholly spiteful way of her to speak to you.

Ignore her and think about what you want from life.
Would you have a child alone?
Would you be happy to meet a man with children?
Would you like to meet a man later in life even if it meant not having children?

None of us know the future but you can start to consider what form you would like your life to take and work towards that.

Ginandplatonic · 05/11/2021 08:30

@fanx Then what do you suggest?? People are saying it’s possible give it a go. You are saying it likely won’t happen, fine so what’s your advice for OP? Give up and sit on your arse feeling sorry for yourself?? It’s very easy to shoot down what everyone else is saying. You’ve been doing it for pages. How about contributing something constructive.

RockinHorseShit · 05/11/2021 08:34

Don't be a dick @fanx ... are you the friend ?Hmm

Many of us beat the statistics without even trying, why do you want to make sure that the OP who is already upset about her friends unkindness loses all hope & feels doubly upset? Why on earth would you want to do that. It's a really Dickish thing to do... just to prove you are right. What the hell motivates you, because it sure as hell isn't a pleasant way to be

BigFatLiar · 05/11/2021 08:40

I’m 36 and recently single. I said I had started online dating again as I really want to try again and find someone I can build a life with.

Kids are great, ours were amazing. Some peoples kids are awful, no sleep, bad behaviour etc. Good or 'bad' they're a lot of worry. DH was an amazing dad and is a loving GD (I'm not bad either Grin). The problem is you don't know what life will bring you. You may have a baby but find your DH doesn't cope. You won't know until it happens. That loving partner you have may be a great dad or could be a deadbeat its a risk.

If what you want is a life together then focus on a partner who loves, respects and supports you. Babies may come or they may not. (If you find yourself in a relationship with a divorcee or widower and children are important to you make sure he hasn't had the snip)

whatdoesithold · 05/11/2021 08:47

No comments on fertility - it will be ok for some and not others. But what I know is true is that it is possible to meet the right man in your mid to late 30s and be in a position to start trying for a family quite quickly. If it is important to both of you, you love each other and he understands the challenges he will want to move quickly as well because he will want to have a family with you and that's his best way of securing it. People who are in a good place at that age can move quicker - not recklessly but because they know what they want and they are at a stage of their lives where they are ready for it. The only thing is being prepared to be clear about what you want and not get caught up in anything with a man who isn't sure what he wants - then you can waste another year or so. Relationships aren't transactions but wanting a family is not unreasonable or selfish or pushy - don't put it on the table at the first date but be brave and raise the question of what he wants before you get in too deep. There is no reason at all to think this can't happen for you - trust yourself and your instincts.

User527294627 · 05/11/2021 08:48

She's painting a stark picture.

Lots of women have healthy pregnancy into their early 40s. You could be one of them. I know women who have had babies up to the age of 44 - that could give you years to find someone you want to build a family with.

You are doing the right thing by being proactive. It certainly isn't all over yet.

cupofdecaf · 05/11/2021 08:51

I married my DH within 2 years of meeting him and we've both said being engaged for so long (engaged after 8 months but he's bought the ring after 4 so most of our pre married relationship was engaged) wasn't necessary. So could have done it quicker without rushing.

We have our first baby less than 3 years after meeting and another 2 years later.

I have a friend in your position but shes a bit older. I've suggested approaching dating seriously, don't waste time chatting for weeks online, get meeting in person and moving on if it doesn't have the spark. Bring up children early so you know where the man stands and he's knows your views. It's what I did and it worked.

Good luck and I hope you find him.

fanx · 05/11/2021 08:54

[quote Ginandplatonic]@fanx Then what do you suggest?? People are saying it’s possible give it a go. You are saying it likely won’t happen, fine so what’s your advice for OP? Give up and sit on your arse feeling sorry for yourself?? It’s very easy to shoot down what everyone else is saying. You’ve been doing it for pages. How about contributing something constructive.[/quote]
I have suggested useful advice:

Go and have fertility checks done ASAP. Review the results, get informed and proceed from there and take advice from qualified medical professionals.

Stop relying on random luck! Accept a real likelihood that a relationship/child may or my not happen. Be realistic. Plan for the worst, hope for the best.

fanx · 05/11/2021 08:56

@User527294627

She's painting a stark picture.

Lots of women have healthy pregnancy into their early 40s. You could be one of them. I know women who have had babies up to the age of 44 - that could give you years to find someone you want to build a family with.

You are doing the right thing by being proactive. It certainly isn't all over yet.

Lots of women equally don't. Nobody knows when it 'is over for Op' fertility wise. Again just because it happened to Sally, Sarah and Jo doesn't mean it will happen for Op.
RockinHorseShit · 05/11/2021 08:59

Did that nasty spiteful post disguised as providing fact make you feel better @fanx 😏

youvegottenminuteslynn · 05/11/2021 08:59

@fanx

You've really, really made your point now and you're basically me-railing now by continuing to repeat it over and over in response to people's posts.

You've shared your opinion robustly and repeated it many times. Anyone reading the thread can take on board what you think and what you've shared without you continuing to say it over and over any more.

It feels like you're acting out of defensiveness and annoyance now rather than in OP's best interests at all.

JudgementalCactus · 05/11/2021 09:00

@fanx, for the love of God, will you stop already?

She knows that! She knows what the worst case scenario is, otherwise she would not have posted this. And I'm sure she's considered her alternatives.

Everyone is trying to be supportive to someone who is losing hope, but absolutely no one has told her it will definitely happen. Just that it can and does happen to plenty of women.

No one is trying to sell her a certainty, just a little bit of hope. What it wrong with that?

JudgementalCactus · 05/11/2021 09:05

And even if she does and up missing the boat on having her own babies, that is not the end of the world.

She could still find her person and live happily ever after with him. Maybe he already has kids. Maybe they adopt or foster or simply come to peace with being childless and focus on enjoying all their free time and disposable income together. Is that such a grim scenario? You would think you're trying to save OP from a catastrophe with your doom and gloom warnings, but babies and not the end all be all.

fanx · 05/11/2021 09:08

[quote JudgementalCactus]@fanx, for the love of God, will you stop already?

She knows that! She knows what the worst case scenario is, otherwise she would not have posted this. And I'm sure she's considered her alternatives.

Everyone is trying to be supportive to someone who is losing hope, but absolutely no one has told her it will definitely happen. Just that it can and does happen to plenty of women.

No one is trying to sell her a certainty, just a little bit of hope. What it wrong with that?[/quote]
She already knows there is hope theoretically speaking. She isn't an idiot. The more success stories she reads the more she is likely naively to believe that it might be her.

Have any of you actually missed the boat in terms of having children? Or are you snuggly married and have them already happened. It's like 'it's meant to be [hmm?]..and the universe delivers to those who wait lol...

Original poster
SadSaltye · 05/11/2021 09:09

Wow I didn’t expect so many responses. Thanks for the support. I’ve only just come back to look so will read through now.

Feeling very very down today so this is a huge support thank you.

OP posts:
fanx · 05/11/2021 09:10

@JudgementalCactus

And even if she does and up missing the boat on having her own babies, that is not the end of the world.

She could still find her person and live happily ever after with him. Maybe he already has kids. Maybe they adopt or foster or simply come to peace with being childless and focus on enjoying all their free time and disposable income together. Is that such a grim scenario? You would think you're trying to save OP from a catastrophe with your doom and gloom warnings, but babies and not the end all be all.

Not having children absolutely is the end of the world for some women, how entitled to assume that it isn't?! Have you ever read any of the infertility boards? Now, that's narrow minded
RockinHorseShit · 05/11/2021 09:13

Oh bugger off @fanx & go & kill a cat or something else to get your nasty assed kicks Angry