My friend has basically said I won’t have a family

[SadSaltye]

I’m 36 and recently single. I said I had started online dating again as I really want to try again and find someone I can build a life with.

My friend literally said well you’ll need to forget the kids part now, ‘only an insane man would have kids with someone in less than a long term relationship and you’ll be past it by the time anything becomes long term.’

I haven’t spoken to her since but actually I am starting to think she’s right. I need to do it within a year or so really. Nobody sane would do that with me. I feel so low. It’s all over isn’t it, that life I wanted.

@fanx the data itself shows chances are very, very good up to 40 so not really sure what you're on about?

Also...OP is 36 now and single, so what the heck is the point in NOT being positive? What exactly is she going to do about it now? It's not like she's 33 and stuck in a relationship that's going nowhere, asking if she should leave or not. She is where she is. And there is far more chance of her having a child by 40 than not. That is a fact.

I married my ex 9 months after meeting him. My son was born a year later. We were married for 22 years and went on to have 2 more children.

I do find it odd that people tend to extrapolate their personal experiences/circumstances and apply it with almost certainty that the same thing will happen to someone else just because it happened to you. Usually something positive like meeting a partner/having a family.

It's like saying 'I beat cancer so will you'! . Wouldn't that be just... incorrect bordering on dangerous to say? Misleading? We can hope that stats are in our favour (for fertility) but as for meeting someone, it's rather unpredictable/impossible to say with any certainty.

I don’t think anyone is saying that the OP will definitely be able to have her own (bio) DC. She knows there are no guarantees. (I couldn’t myself, despite starting younger than the OP, we adopted our DDs, now 12 and 9.)

What we are saying is that, at 36, she can still be hopeful of having children. And also that her friend was very unkind in what she said to her, and in the way she said it. That isn’t the way a friend should treat her.

[quote CecilieRose]@fanx the data itself shows chances are very, very good up to 40 so not really sure what you're on about?

Also...OP is 36 now and single, so what the heck is the point in NOT being positive? What exactly is she going to do about it now? It's not like she's 33 and stuck in a relationship that's going nowhere, asking if she should leave or not. She is where she is. And there is far more chance of her having a child by 40 than not. That is a fact.[/quote]
Where did you get your stats from? A reputable source, or from more anecdotes?

Being positive doesn't address anything meaningfully. It's just wishful thinking, piping.

Again, how do you know for a fact - what a claim - that there is more of a chance of her having a child at 40? Like how other than your anecdotes and wishful thinking?

@fanx because they were in their mid twenties when they starting trying!!! It's not that hard to understand. Or do you think it was pure coincidence they had miscarriage after miscarriage during their twenties and then suddenly it was all due to age after 35?

You seem to think that every single woman who has trouble conceiving at 38 would have conceived no problem at 28. There are always going to be women who have difficulty at any age. The difference with starting to try early is that you have more time to do something about it. That doesn't help the OP in any way whatsoever. She isn't 28 and asking whether to try now. She's 36, hasn't tried yet, and it is what it is. And the statistics are on her side now, and will be for the next few years.

@zonky do you have trouble understanding basic statistics? They have been posted on this thread. Same statistics are on the NHS website.

aged 35 to 39 – 82% will conceive after 1 year and 90% after 2 years

Let me break it down for you. A 90% chance of something happening is more than 50%, isn't it? So it's not only more likely, but FAR more likely, that a woman in this age bracket will conceive than not conceive.

What's so difficult to understand? It's primary school level maths.

I had twins at 47.

That wasn't nice if your friend to say - does she have children?

I think if you meet the love of your life, you won't care if you try to conceive within a shorter timeframe. So don't worry about not spending 10 years with them, pre TTC

Wow what a horrible friend! Get rid of her. That was both cruel and bitchy to say to you.

The truth is, that it is less likely than it used to be, that you will find a partner and have children, but it is still possible. He doesn’t have to be insane. Meet wife to be at 36-40, propose 6-12 months later, marry within a year and start trying for a family straight away - that can work.

If you don’t want to wait and money allows, you could consider a sperm donor and single motherhood (I know someone who did this and had 3 kids alone, but she is fairly rich). If that isn’t an option then there is still the possibility of adoption or surrogacy.

Hugs OP.

@zonky

I do find it odd that people tend to extrapolate their personal experiences/circumstances and apply it with almost certainty that the same thing will happen to someone else just because it happened to you. Usually something positive like meeting a partner/having a family.

It's like saying 'I beat cancer so will you'! . Wouldn't that be just... incorrect bordering on dangerous to say? Misleading? We can hope that stats are in our favour (for fertility) but as for meeting someone, it's rather unpredictable/impossible to say with any certainty.

I think you have serious problems with comprehension, to be honest. Nobody is extrapolating anything. People are saying not to give up hope because they or others had success, and the statistics themselves back that up.

There's around a 50% chance of getting pregnant naturally in your very early forties, which is pretty damn good. Those chances are even higher going down to 36, which OP is now. If there was a 50% chance or higher of winning the lottery within a year if you bought a ticket every month, would you not buy one? Pretty sure you would.

[quote CecilieRose]@fanx because they were in their mid twenties when they starting trying!!! It's not that hard to understand. Or do you think it was pure coincidence they had miscarriage after miscarriage during their twenties and then suddenly it was all due to age after 35?

You seem to think that every single woman who has trouble conceiving at 38 would have conceived no problem at 28. There are always going to be women who have difficulty at any age. The difference with starting to try early is that you have more time to do something about it. That doesn't help the OP in any way whatsoever. She isn't 28 and asking whether to try now. She's 36, hasn't tried yet, and it is what it is. And the statistics are on her side now, and will be for the next few years.[/quote]
Of course you're drawing your data from your 'friends'. Fertility is complex and some people do have miscarriages in their 20s and may go on to have a child later.

I don't give anecdotal advice to people. The only way to have some meaningful information that is based in evidence is to have fertility checks.

Are you qualified in the field? It doesn't sound like you are.

"And the statistics are on her side now, and will be for the next few years"

Source: the Hewitt fertility centre.org.uk
"A woman in her 20s has about a 20% chance of getting pregnant during one single menstrual cycle, not per year, and by your mid-30s the chances are about 15% per cycle – so it’s not a catastrophic difference, but that’s not to say it won’t take a little longer and be a little harder.

By the age of 40, only two in five of those who wish to have a baby will be able to do so.

For women, getting older is something to be more aware of if they wish to conceive naturally. A study revealed that women aged 35-39 had a 29% of conceiving on their most fertile day."

The statistics aren't great when you aren't using your friends as evidence.

@cecilieRose

"There's around a 50% chance of getting pregnant naturally in your very early forties, which is pretty damn good"

Lol, where is this data coming from? Please support it with links. You are embarrassing yourself and giving false information. Dangerous

@zonky yes, some people do go on to have a child later, which only supports the idea that all infertility isn't down to age! How do you not get that? My point is that had my aunt not started trying at 26 and waited until 36, she might have beaten herself up for 'waiting too long' when in actual fact, it was never going to happen for her.

I don't count 'two in five' as bad at 40+. I've had many things happen with much smaller odds than those in my life.

The chances of a 35-39 year old conceiving in a given month are barely lower than women a whole decade younger. Your statistics really aren't backing up whatever point you're trying to make.

@zonky it's also comical how you keep changing the subject and moving the goalposts.

I said OP is more likely than not to conceive between now and 40, and provided statistics to support that. Are you still disputing that?

[quote CecilieRose]@zonky yes, some people do go on to have a child later, which only supports the idea that all infertility isn't down to age! How do you not get that? My point is that had my aunt not started trying at 26 and waited until 36, she might have beaten herself up for 'waiting too long' when in actual fact, it was never going to happen for her.

I don't count 'two in five' as bad at 40+. I've had many things happen with much smaller odds than those in my life.

The chances of a 35-39 year old conceiving in a given month are barely lower than women a whole decade younger. Your statistics really aren't backing up whatever point you're trying to make.[/quote]
You are telling someone categorically on a forum that you 'know' they won't have issues. That is misleading. That is wrong.

Correct, not all infertility is down to age but it is a significant factor if all else reproductively has been investigated and is considered to be in working order. There is also unexplained infertility.

"The chances of a 35-39 year old conceiving in a given month are barely lower than women a whole decade younger. Your statistics really aren't backing up whatever point you're trying to make."

They are lower nonetheless and also carry more uncertainty because the women in their 30s and older are statistically more likely to have poorer egg quality leading to increase in miscarriage rates and fewer live births.

You never did answer where you got your "There's around a 50% chance of getting pregnant naturally in your very early forties, which is pretty damn good" statistics from...

[quote CecilieRose]@zonky it's also comical how you keep changing the subject and moving the goalposts.

I said OP is more likely than not to conceive between now and 40, and provided statistics to support that. Are you still disputing that?[/quote]
I am because neither you or me know that. We do not know her medical history. We do not have any information on her reproductive status. You're far too focussed on being correct that you aren't taking into account other possible factors that could decrease her chances. We just do not know

Your meg is a knob

Several friends met OLD partners older than 36 and have families

People do not like hearing the true. I think your friend is right but it is totally up to you what you do with your life.

Hearing the truth 🙄

@fournonblondes

People do not like hearing the true. I think your friend is right but it is totally up to you what you do with your life.

No they don't Op. It's about balance isn't it. And it is about delivering information with sensitivity as much as possible but also about being realistic. Do people prefer to be in denial/exist on 'positivity' alone/ don't want to consider some potential negative outcomes? I don't know. But so far on the thread many posters are posting success stories although really great for them, aren't anything more than nice stories....

Your 'friend' sounds horrible! Ignore her - what a complete b**ch.

Granted I met my DH at 30 and we finally conceived at 39, but that's not typical. As PPs have said, it's quite normal to conceive later these days for financial reasons etc.

But in the short term get rid of this ridiculously unsupportive 'friend'!

She is no friend

& she's wrong. I did it at 40 & have been happily married for nearly 20 years & we have a teenage DD. You're still young, I know loads who have gone on to have successful relationships & kids who were older than you. I wasn't the oldest mum at DDs school either

Am. Childfree myself & even though don’t want kids would know how out of line such a comment was

Also would take offence at someone being so judgemental

I’d fuck someone like this right off, nasty little witch

Good lord @fanx calm down! No one has given the OP “unprofessional” advice, scary or otherwise. No one on this thread has told the OP she will definitely be able to conceive, of course we haven’t - where on earth did you get that from??

People are responding to this from her OP:
“ My friend literally said well you’ll need to forget the kids part now, ‘only an insane man would have kids with someone in less than a long term relationship and you’ll be past it by the time anything becomes long term.’ ”

As someone so keen to lecture others on statistics must know, all that is required to disprove such a definitive statement is a counterexample. PPs have provided numerous.

I don’t understand why you are so invested in rubbing the OP’s nose in statistics she already knows and is sad about. What is the point? It’s not like she can go back in time and change how she lives her life. She can only move forward from where she is, and she won’t know if she can have a child until she tries. Either way it is demonstrably untrue to say that it’s impossible to meet a man and have a child in less than a couple of years, and that is what we are saying.

@Ginandplatonic

Good lord *@fanx calm down! No one has given the OP “unprofessional” advice, scary or otherwise. No one* on this thread has told the OP she will definitely be able to conceive, of course we haven’t - where on earth did you get that from??

People are responding to this from her OP:
“ My friend literally said well you’ll need to forget the kids part now, ‘only an insane man would have kids with someone in less than a long term relationship and you’ll be past it by the time anything becomes long term.’ ”

As someone so keen to lecture others on statistics must know, all that is required to disprove such a definitive statement is a counterexample. PPs have provided numerous.

I don’t understand why you are so invested in rubbing the OP’s nose in statistics she already knows and is sad about. What is the point? It’s not like she can go back in time and change how she lives her life. She can only move forward from where she is, and she won’t know if she can have a child until she tries. Either way it is demonstrably untrue to say that it’s impossible to meet a man and have a child in less than a couple of years, and that is what we are saying.

Read the many anecdotal stories containing the word 'know' and nothing to worry about'. They actually have told her repeatedly that she has nothing to worry about because them/their friend/sister/aunty has met someone etc etc.

"Rubbing the OP’s nose in statistics she already knows and is sad about" well she could get some fertility tests done but instead would prefer to listen to nice but ultimately useless anecdotal advice from other people about how they met someone/have children at 47 so ..why hasn't she already have the tests done if she's clued up? It would be the most logical thing to do! She can't go back in time no, but getting proper, medical advice is an obvious next step - it's easy to arrange at a private clinic.

I'm invested because I know of two women who listened to well-wishers also similar age to Op, got bingoed with all the usual nonsense and also for some reason wouldn't get fertility checks done and are now bitter and regretful (still dating sadly)...