My friend has basically said I won’t have a family

[SadSaltye]

I’m 36 and recently single. I said I had started online dating again as I really want to try again and find someone I can build a life with.

My friend literally said well you’ll need to forget the kids part now, ‘only an insane man would have kids with someone in less than a long term relationship and you’ll be past it by the time anything becomes long term.’

I haven’t spoken to her since but actually I am starting to think she’s right. I need to do it within a year or so really. Nobody sane would do that with me. I feel so low. It’s all over isn’t it, that life I wanted.

Of course because step parenting (when you can't have your own children) will make up for it read some step-parenting threads..and the adoption bingo!...do you have any idea how hard it is to adopt not to mention that children who end up in the care system have high level of special needs? So many bingos it's hard to keep up! Keep them coming for Op...have you actually explored/done any of the above to have any real idea??

Just reading backwards (idiotically!) and seeing lots of stats.

The main hurt really came from this idea that I could never have a connection with someone soon enough or fast enough to be close enough to then be at that stage. I guess I can imagine I might meet someone possibly… but it’s now the idea that if I do, they will basically feel a stranger for a long time. And I don’t know any different really as aside from a couple of shit few month things, my other relationships have been longer term.

Who needs reliable, evidence-based (fertility) advice when you've got so many anecdotal stories to go by! And remember: the universe always delivers to those who want it badly and try 'hard'

Of course not. See my earlier post about fertility checks!

OP, yes posts like mine are anecdotal but they show that it is completely possible.

Met OH at 39, baby at 40(!) Still happily together 23yrs later!

Your 'friend' is nasty.

@fanx

Of course because step parenting (when you can't have your own children) will make up for it read some step-parenting threads..and the adoption bingo!...do you have any idea how hard it is to adopt not to mention that children who end up in the care system have high level of special needs? So many bingos it's hard to keep up! Keep them coming for Op...have you actually explored/done any of the above to have any real idea??

Oh so I'm narrow minded to suggest all these are viable alternatives for some people, but you aren't narrow minded to say that a woman's life is over if she can't conceive? How ironic

Anyways I'm done interacting with you.

@fanx

All you're doing at this point is repeating what you've already said plenty of times, over and over, in an increasingly spiteful manner. You've made your point. Everyone gets it.

@fanx

Who needs reliable, evidence-based (fertility) advice when you've got so many anecdotal stories to go by! And remember: the universe always delivers to those who want it badly and try 'hard'

Of course not. See my earlier post about fertility checks!

Oh you mean the evidence based stats that between 36 and 39 OP has over 80% chance to get pregnant withinn two years?

Oh ffs @fanx seriously? Once again, since you appear to have comprehension problems. The OP did not ask for fertility advice. She asked if it was possible to meet someone and make a strong enough connection to decide to have kids on a short time. And clearly based on my and many posters’ other examples the answer is YES.

You really need to go away and stop making OP feel worse with your unasked for, unnecessary, unkind “advice”.

@Liverbird77

OP, yes posts like mine are anecdotal but they show that it is completely possible.

It makes no difference to Op She knows it's possible fgs. We all know that. We are talking about likelihoods that everything falls into place. And nobody can guarantee it is very probable.

@Ginandplatonic

Oh ffs *@fanx seriously? Once again, since you appear to have comprehension problems. The OP did not* ask for fertility advice. She asked if it was possible to meet someone and make a strong enough connection to decide to have kids on a short time. And clearly based on my and many posters’ other examples the answer is YES.

You really need to go away and stop making OP feel worse with your unasked for, unnecessary, unkind “advice”.

Fertility is the bread & butter of making babies.

She asked whether it's possible to meet someone and do it all in 5 minutes? I understood. And low and behold the conclusion is that it is slow clap

Avoiding discussion around fertility is ridiculous and uninformed when she's 36.

But it is very probable, as per the NHS:

*But women become less fertile as they get older. One study found that among couples having regular unprotected sex:

aged 19 to 26 – 92% will conceive after 1 year and 98% after 2 years
aged 35 to 39 – 82% will conceive after 1 year and 90% after 2 years*

What do you call 82% chance over a year if not probable?

The very statistics you are si aggressively pushing around prove the very opposite point you're trying to make.

Maybe Op takes some action from my posts like lots of women do, get themselves checked out, have FACTs, and make informed decisions. Freezing eggs if possible (to buy some time) /go at it alone if critical.

I wish the two friends did. Now they wished they'd listened....

@SadSaltye

I feel so sad. I was trying to be positive and proactive but I just feel stressed and sad now. Like it’s out of reach. Who meets someone and then has kids soon? I won’t have had a long relationship will I. No ten year marriage behind me or anything

Friend met her DH at 37 and by 42 was married with 2 kids. They're more solid than H and I who had been together 15 years prior to DC and won't be together much longer. Having said that it might be worth working out where your priorities lie, for me if I was single mid thirties I'd have been going it alone to have children, I did want the whole of it, but if it had come to an either/or I would have picked children. My friend wanted children, but for her it needed to be children within a committed relationship.

Oh you mean the evidence based stats that between 36 and 39 OP has over 80% chance to get pregnant withinn two years?

I think it's actually 90% by two years.

"aged 35 to 39 – 82% will conceive after 1 year and 90% after 2 years"

Op, fertility checks - which are not foolproof but much better than nothing- would rule out (to some extent) whether you could fall in that 10% of people who have fertility issues and not be able to keep ttc for up to two years.

(Though over a certain age (varies by health trust) you'd be offered at least one cycle of ivf if you say that you and your partner have been ttc for over 6 months with no success and they can't find anything obvious that can can solved eg blocked tube during tests/checks).

@fanx That was just incoherent and didn’t make sense. Clearly everyone arguing with you is feeding some need to make yourself feel important so I’m stopping now.

OP it’s very possible to meet a man and be in a position to have children in a short time frame as you can see from many people’s stories. Hopefully it will happen for you too. I wish you all the best.

*not be able to keep ttc for up to two years.

Sorry, that's badly worded; not have the luxury of ttc for two years.

@JudgementalCactus

But it is very probable, as per the NHS:

*But women become less fertile as they get older. One study found that among couples having regular unprotected sex:

aged 19 to 26 – 92% will conceive after 1 year and 98% after 2 years
aged 35 to 39 – 82% will conceive after 1 year and 90% after 2 years*

What do you call 82% chance over a year if not probable?

The very statistics you are si aggressively pushing around prove the very opposite point you're trying to make.

Assuming no fertility issues.

How can you assume she hasn't or this fictional partner??

@zonky Quote my post where I said I 'know' she won't have issues.

Go on.

I'm waiting.

Yes these stats are a guidance not a panacea/Bible to make someone complacent. She hasn't even met anyone yet. And stats are just that: stats
You may be within it or outside it. It doesn't include additional medical issues that may be present. In other words, it isn't bespoke to the individual.

Private clinics offer fertility checks and I don't think they're excessively costly.

It would give you a good idea of where you stand for a future relationship.

Your partner should also get a check done before ttc too obviously. Even if he already has children as some people have wasted a lot of time ttc with the presumption of male fertility due to previous kids of his, whereas in fact things had changed (infection for example) affecting his fertility.

That's bullshit and so rude. Lots of people have babies in their 40s, and there'sstill time for you to do it before you're 40 anyway.

Several mums from my 8 year old's school year group are 50 or slightly over.

@zonky Again, do you just not understand how statistics work?

Statistically, she is more likely to have a child than not by the time she's 40. Yes, she might be infertile now. She might go into menopause next year. She might get run over by a bus tomorrow. So? None of that changes the fact that statistically, the odds are in her favour.

Are you on a wind up or do you seriously just not understand that nobody on this entire thread is claiming to know OP's personal medical status?

[quote Ginandplatonic]@fanx That was just incoherent and didn’t make sense. Clearly everyone arguing with you is feeding some need to make yourself feel important so I’m stopping now.

OP it’s very possible to meet a man and be in a position to have children in a short time frame as you can see from many people’s stories. Hopefully it will happen for you too. I wish you all the best.[/quote]
Of course many people... Like 20 on the internet ? So many! It's definitely meaningful data...just because it's possible it doesn't mean it's very likely.

@fanx

You've made your point. Numerous times. We get it.