My friend has basically said I won’t have a family

[SadSaltye]

I’m 36 and recently single. I said I had started online dating again as I really want to try again and find someone I can build a life with.

My friend literally said well you’ll need to forget the kids part now, ‘only an insane man would have kids with someone in less than a long term relationship and you’ll be past it by the time anything becomes long term.’

I haven’t spoken to her since but actually I am starting to think she’s right. I need to do it within a year or so really. Nobody sane would do that with me. I feel so low. It’s all over isn’t it, that life I wanted.

@fanx
“Just because you know your own mind doesn't mean you'll meet anyone suitable.

It may or may not be worth getting out there, it may be a compete waste of time just because it's worked for some. Apps are designed to make money keep us on there for as long as possible. Otherwise we'd all be meeting the loves of our lives (if only we knew our minds hmm)

It is random. Coincidence. Timing.
I rely wish people would stop with 'when you know you know' and other useless bingoes.”

I have no clue what point you are trying to make here. Yes, if the OP “gets out there” she may or may not end up in a long term relationship. But I can guarantee that if she doesn’t make an effort she won’t.

I was giving the OP my perspective based on my situation. Which I made quite clear in my post. And given I said we met through friends I don’t know what all that stuff about apps was supposed to mean? I don’t know if you know but OLD is not the only way to meet someone.

Your continued repetitive negativity on a thread where the OP was feeling sad (because they are perfectly well aware of the statistics you keep harping on) and asking for reassurance seems unkind and unhelpful to me.

I met dp at 40, pregnant at 41 - accidental so we weren’t even trying.

Some things you can do:
Get a fertility mot
Explore doing it on your own (sperm donor)
Keep dating
Keep getting out there, doing activities etc
What are the chances of meeting someone through your job?
Studying, classes etc

I had loads of not right people then two nice settle down material bfs at 39 and 40

Your friend is talking shit.

She's a bitch. I met my DH when I was 36; we have 3 teens now....

Conceived within a month of starting our relationship, which is clearly insane but we knew something was right. Now we've two kids and it's been four years and counting.

She’s got a crystal ball, has she? I’d tell her to stfu if she can’t think of something constructive to say.

[quote Ginandplatonic]@fanx
“Just because you know your own mind doesn't mean you'll meet anyone suitable.

It may or may not be worth getting out there, it may be a compete waste of time just because it's worked for some. Apps are designed to make money keep us on there for as long as possible. Otherwise we'd all be meeting the loves of our lives (if only we knew our minds hmm)

It is random. Coincidence. Timing.
I rely wish people would stop with 'when you know you know' and other useless bingoes.”

I have no clue what point you are trying to make here. Yes, if the OP “gets out there” she may or may not end up in a long term relationship. But I can guarantee that if she doesn’t make an effort she won’t.

I was giving the OP my perspective based on my situation. Which I made quite clear in my post. And given I said we met through friends I don’t know what all that stuff about apps was supposed to mean? I don’t know if you know but OLD is not the only way to meet someone.

Your continued repetitive negativity on a thread where the OP was feeling sad (because they are perfectly well aware of the statistics you keep harping on) and asking for reassurance seems unkind and unhelpful to me.[/quote]
Harping on about positive random stories is just as pointless and irrelevant - unhelpful too as it's individual to you only.

I'm sure Op has exhausted all her friends of friends by now... Otherwise she'd not be on here.

Maybe getting out there and getting repeatedly rejected does something to you? OLD isn't the only way no but at 36 with most other friends paired off, work not an option (maybe you don't want to most x the two), what else is there realistically? Oh yes the random book club/gym/ ' you never know' your local Tesco .

She is more than aware that she can meet someone anywhere fgs. We all know that.

It's about accepting a fact that not everyone meets someone and that could happen.

It's just not true. I know quite a few women who met partners at 36-39 and had at least one biological child. They did all move quite quickly and that sometimes has its problems, but they all seem happy, to be honest.

No one needs friend's like that. I was told I was infertile at 28 with no chance of carrying a baby full term. Too much internal atypical presentation and severe polycystic ovaries, as well as genetic conditions. Go tell that to the two kids asleep in their beds tonight...both conceived naturally. Never listen to anyone and their 'opinions', and avoid toxic folk. Some people are so inadequate they need to say spiteful things to others to make themselves feel better. You are still a spring chicken!

@CecilieRose

It's just not true. I know quite a few women who met partners at 36-39 and had at least one biological child. They did all move quite quickly and that sometimes has its problems, but they all seem happy, to be honest.

Nobody is saying it isn't true but it's the likelihood of it happening. Can you predict that statistically? No, nobody can

@SadSaltye

I feel so sad. I was trying to be positive and proactive but I just feel stressed and sad now. Like it’s out of reach. Who meets someone and then has kids soon? I won’t have had a long relationship will I. No ten year marriage behind me or anything

I met my husband in the march, and by the November I was expecting. We are still together and son is now 9 and we have just had another little girl. It can be quick, don't give up hope!

I have a wonderful friend who got married and had a child in her forties, she's a wonderful Mum and if that's what you want you will be too. Please don't listen to this spiteful idiot.

Anecdotally we have over 15 stories of things coming together and therefore it must be universally true it will happen for Op and other posters! Anything other than positivity based on anecdotal stories is toxic. OK let's all pretend we'll all get what we want

@CaMePlaitPas

I have a wonderful friend who got married and had a child in her forties, she's a wonderful Mum and if that's what you want you will be too. Please don't listen to this spiteful idiot.

I have a friend who didn't meet anybody after 5 years of OLD in her mid 30s and was too old sadly to have a child. Is this being spiteful, or just another potential reality?

You don't need that toxic bullshit in your life, she's not your friend.

How about hoping for the best but preparing for the worst? Even if you do meet someone, nobody can guarantee you'll be together forever happily ever after....it it takes a quick read on the relationship/divorce sub forums to see things don't work out for a lot of people despite it being hood to begin with...

It is about being realistic though I think and being content within yourself.

@fanx no, but anecdotally, almost ALL the women I know who wanted kids have had them, many of them at 38+. And let me tell, you I know a LOT of people. There was one who had been trying and failing since she was 30 and had had loads of rounds of IVF who I thought was never going to do it, but she had a miracle baby at 40.

The women I know who were unable to have kids, it was nothing to do with age. They just weren't able to keep a pregnancy. That includes an aunt who started trying at 26 and eventually gave up at 40. Same with a work colleague. I think I actually only know one single person who truly 'left it too late' and was unable to conceive by the time she tried, but since she had never tried before, there's the possibility she never would have been able to.

Are you aware that statistics often don't give the full story? They can be massaged and misrepresented pretty easily. I don't doubt for one minute it's hard to get pregnant the older you get, but from what I see around me every day, what I see from friends' lives, this idea that late thirties is probably already too late is just not true. At all.

One of my best friends met her DH at 37. Married at 38.5, had their DS just before her 40th birthday. My Gran had my Dad at 43. Your friend needs to mind her own business.

Good things happen to bad people, bad things happen to good people... and vice versa.

I remember being told something along the lines of 'if that's what you want [a relationship/marriage/children] it will happen ...

I think people/friends/family meant well and didn't want to see me upset but really were uncomfortable by how upset I was by the situation so in a way gaslighted me that's what it felt like to shut me up.

I have since then aged 37 gone on to have a child via a sperm donor. I didn't want to continue hoping and wishing that I'd meet someone via OLD as that was my only realistic way of meeting new people. It was too distressing. My way of managing the unknown was to do something I could control (to a degree) and which didn't rely on meeting someone. And I have since then met someone rather spontaneously via my a children's group. He adds to my life, I already had meaning/purpose/satisfaction. I did not seek him out it was random. And I appreciate that life can often just present you with random opportunities.

[quote CecilieRose]@fanx no, but anecdotally, almost ALL the women I know who wanted kids have had them, many of them at 38+. And let me tell, you I know a LOT of people. There was one who had been trying and failing since she was 30 and had had loads of rounds of IVF who I thought was never going to do it, but she had a miracle baby at 40.

The women I know who were unable to have kids, it was nothing to do with age. They just weren't able to keep a pregnancy. That includes an aunt who started trying at 26 and eventually gave up at 40. Same with a work colleague. I think I actually only know one single person who truly 'left it too late' and was unable to conceive by the time she tried, but since she had never tried before, there's the possibility she never would have been able to.

Are you aware that statistics often don't give the full story? They can be massaged and misrepresented pretty easily. I don't doubt for one minute it's hard to get pregnant the older you get, but from what I see around me every day, what I see from friends' lives, this idea that late thirties is probably already too late is just not true. At all.[/quote]
Anecdotes are just that, anecdotes.

Your anecdotes aren't a representation of anything meaningful.

From what you see around you is that...what you see. What I see around me is different. So what how does that help the Op in any meaningful way?

Statistics are far more meaningful than random anecdotal (makes you feel fuzzy warm stories).

I met my husband online, we moved in together after 6 weeks, engaged after 4 months and married a year later. We did give it a while before TTC but we could’ve done it sooner. I had DD at 41, I was 35 when we met.
You’ve got time.

I guess the infertility forum on MN is just a bunch of unlucky people? I mean so many people are convinced on this thread, so certain Op will be fine
.. they just 'know' it isn't true you can't conceive in your 30/40s years. They just know because they see around them, ...and they draw meaningful data from their anecdotal stories/experiences. It must be true if they say so!

And what will the posters say if it doesn't happen for Op, what narrative will you give her then?

'You shouldn't have waited so long' 'You know fertility falls off the cliff past 35' ...

How do you people all KNOW?! Are you the Oracle? Oh yes it worked for you/your friend/your aunty/ I mean there's no reason why it wouldn't work for Op!

[quote CecilieRose]@fanx no, but anecdotally, almost ALL the women I know who wanted kids have had them, many of them at 38+. And let me tell, you I know a LOT of people. There was one who had been trying and failing since she was 30 and had had loads of rounds of IVF who I thought was never going to do it, but she had a miracle baby at 40.

The women I know who were unable to have kids, it was nothing to do with age. They just weren't able to keep a pregnancy. That includes an aunt who started trying at 26 and eventually gave up at 40. Same with a work colleague. I think I actually only know one single person who truly 'left it too late' and was unable to conceive by the time she tried, but since she had never tried before, there's the possibility she never would have been able to.

Are you aware that statistics often don't give the full story? They can be massaged and misrepresented pretty easily. I don't doubt for one minute it's hard to get pregnant the older you get, but from what I see around me every day, what I see from friends' lives, this idea that late thirties is probably already too late is just not true. At all.[/quote]
"The women I know who were unable to have kids, it was nothing to do with age. They just weren't able to keep a pregnancy"

And you know this definitively how? You are aware that one of the reasons woken can't keep a pregnancy is due to miscarriages? Which can be associated with age? Poor egg quality and chromosomal abnormalities can be age related so it is possible it was due to age.

Unless you know for sure why /how her fallopian tubes/ovaries/uterus works?

So much unprofessional advice on here it's scary.

Very possible to have a long relationship in future

At your age, you don't tend to take any shit in relationships. You both know what you want and get on with it!

I had kids at 34 & 37, plenty of friends and family early 40s

She was mean for saying what she did. And wrong!