My friend has basically said I won’t have a family

[SadSaltye]

I’m 36 and recently single. I said I had started online dating again as I really want to try again and find someone I can build a life with.

My friend literally said well you’ll need to forget the kids part now, ‘only an insane man would have kids with someone in less than a long term relationship and you’ll be past it by the time anything becomes long term.’

I haven’t spoken to her since but actually I am starting to think she’s right. I need to do it within a year or so really. Nobody sane would do that with me. I feel so low. It’s all over isn’t it, that life I wanted.

Chances for a successful live birth are low all round for IVF regardless of age that's correct. The point is it certainly doesn't get better the longer you leave it.

Show us somewhere people have said fertility improves the longer you leave it... nobody has.

Your posts have gone from spiteful to frankly bizarre. You're obviously going through something right now and you're channeling a lot of anger onto a Mumsnet thread.

But you've made your point. More than enough times. Over and over. Maybe focus on something else as you're not benefiting OP or anyone else by continuing to repeat the same thing.

Nobody has said fertility improves the older you get. Stop talking to people like they're stupid.

@fanx

"And that's for the women who needed assistance because they couldn't conceive naturally. Even out of those - including people like the poster here who had a blocked tube and probably would have needed IVF at any age - there's over a 1 in 10 chance per cycle at 40-42."

Blocked tube could have occurred later in life it's difficult to diagnose when it's caused. So maybe she could have conceived naturally in her 20s but got pelvic inflammatory disease in her 30s ...

11% or still extremely low chances not as dad as winning the lottery but still rather unpromising.

We aren't even mentioning the fact that most NHS trusts also have eligibility criteria and cut off points when they treat as it becomes less and less cost effective. You may be offered no rounds/one round or up to 3. Postcode lottery.

I don't consider a 1 in 10 chance of something happening a low chance. It's actually quite a high chance. I've achieved many things in my life with far lower odds of success. Pretty sure that if you had ten sandwiches in front of you and only one contained a fatal dose of poison, you wouldn't eat one.

You seem to have quite a negative, quitters mentality and a strange relationship with statistics.

And ffs, someone getting pelvic inflammatory disease in their thirties doesn't have anything to do with their age being an issue in conceiving! What a ridiculous lack of logic.

strange relationship with statistics.

11% chance of cycle - not as bad as winning the lottery.

Cannot process people having 11% chance of winning the lottery every month - over months and months. Camelot wouldn't be going for long.

@youvegottenminuteslynn

Chances for a successful live birth are low all round for IVF regardless of age that's correct. The point is it certainly doesn't get better the longer you leave it.

Show us somewhere people have said fertility improves the longer you leave it... nobody has.

Your posts have gone from spiteful to frankly bizarre. You're obviously going through something right now and you're channeling a lot of anger onto a Mumsnet thread.

But you've made your point. More than enough times. Over and over. Maybe focus on something else as you're not benefiting OP or anyone else by continuing to repeat the same thing.

Nobody has said fertility improves the older you get. Stop talking to people like they're stupid.

I'm happy have a partner and a child so didn't miss the boat. Yes my two friends watching my life in envy and other women who were lucky like me...and I think they were listening to nonsense on threads like these ' oh it'll happen for you '...very much regret listening to well wishers now who have gone quiet with their advice and just do a head tilt at them ...

People should stop peddling useless bingos, anecdotal stories of random success and concentrate on balanced advice only a handful of posters have provided that.

*per cycle

@SleepingBunnies21

strange relationship with statistics.

11% chance of cycle - not as bad as winning the lottery.

Cannot process people having 11% chance of winning the lottery every month - over months and months. Camelot wouldn't be going for long.

Have you experienced loss/miscarriage of repeated cycles?? It is a very small chance of conceiving each month.

@fanx

"And what you're not stating is that the success rate is only 32% for women under 35, so a 68% failure rate. Hardly a massive drop, is it? There is no age bracket in which the chances of IVF succeeding in a single cycle are higher than them failing. Not even early twenties."

Chances for a successful live birth are low all round for IVF regardless of age that's correct. The point is it certainly doesn't get better the longer you leave it.

Check on HEFA website for unbiased reports of clinics performances and trends. And then there are each person's individual changes which could be within the range or outside it either side.

Who has said it gets better the longer you leave it? Absolutely nobody. The point is that IVF is a roll of the dice at any age. You're trying to make out that the chances are much better if you do it earlier. They're not. They're slightly better, all the way up to at least 40 when they do more than halve. But even then, the odds are still not terrible, and that's out of a group of women who didn't have great fertility to start with.

@SleepingBunnies21

strange relationship with statistics.

11% chance of cycle - not as bad as winning the lottery.

Cannot process people having 11% chance of winning the lottery every month - over months and months. Camelot wouldn't be going for long.

It's hilarious, isn't it? Some people really have no head for odds and statistics at all.

Op may well have fertility issues nobody knows not even her. The posters are assuming she doesn't she is assuming she doesn't. Aged 36 you don't know

Noone is assuming she doesn't, they ate however taking the 90% of people who don't (over 2 years of ttc) as a reasonable benchmark.

Many of us have advised a fertility check though, with the Caveat it's not perfect.

OK I'll tell my 42 year old friend to keep trying because she has 11% ....that's if she can find a man do it with now....

Yes my two friends watching my life in envy

Fuuuck.

@SleepingBunnies21

Op may well have fertility issues nobody knows not even her. The posters are assuming she doesn't she is assuming she doesn't. Aged 36 you don't know

Noone is assuming she doesn't, they ate however taking the 90% of people who don't (over 2 years of ttc) as a reasonable benchmark.

Many of us have advised a fertility check though, with the Caveat it's not perfect.

Op is still harping on finding a partner.... She doesn't seem to take concrete advice and prefers to bury her head in the sand when it comes to taking action - she hasn't said she'd go and tested

@fanx

OK I'll tell my 42 year old friend to keep trying because she has 11% ....that's if she can find a man do it with now....

Yeah she does, do you still not understand odds?

Though hers wool ve dropping towards 43.

that's if she can find a man do it with now..

You sound like a lovely friend and person.

@SleepingBunnies21

Yes my two friends watching my life in envy

Fuuuck.

Narcissist alert!

I wonder why someone who is apparently so happy and so fulfilled cares so much about this topic that they've written pages and pages of misery and spite.

Interesting, isn't it?

It's hilarious, isn't it? Some people really have no head for odds and statistics at all.

It's hilarious some people think 11% chance over months and months is a good way to plan parenthood. I mean you never know ...

@fanx

OK I'll tell my 42 year old friend to keep trying because she has 11% ....that's if she can find a man do it with now....

God you're horrible.

Dripping with spite in every message.

I think we should all stop feeding it tbh.

"Narcissist alert!

I wonder why someone who is apparently so happy and so fulfilled cares so much about this topic that they've written pages and pages of misery and spite.

Interesting, isn't it?"

Just a reality check that lots of women don't get what they want and end up really bitter. Not at my life specifically just that they listened to stupid, silly, advice because they didn't want to take action.

Op is still harping on finding a partner..

Again, what a lovely person you sound like.

Op doesn't have to tell us she's booking a fertility check right now not, that's her business.

And finding a partner is rather important if you don't want to go on alone, which op doesn't sound like she would.

Your language is so derogatory, do you feel you are getting what you want from and, most importantly, helping other people on MN?

Oh no let's tell Op to keep swiping away her life on Tinder instead?

@fanx

It's hilarious, isn't it? Some people really have no head for odds and statistics at all.

It's hilarious some people think 11% chance over months and months is a good way to plan parenthood. I mean you never know ...

Still doesn't get it.

@fanx

"Narcissist alert!

I wonder why someone who is apparently so happy and so fulfilled cares so much about this topic that they've written pages and pages of misery and spite.

Interesting, isn't it?"

Just a reality check that lots of women don't get what they want and end up really bitter. Not at my life specifically just that they listened to stupid, silly, advice because they didn't want to take action.

You've. Made. That. Fucking. Point.

So go enjoy a nice day, do something pleasant, something constructive, something happy instead of ranting on and on saying the same thing over and over again. It's unhelpful, you've said your bit.

Now you're just being spiteful and making yourself sound ridiculous.

Leave the thread alone, go enjoy your blessings.

@SleepingBunnies21

Op is still harping on finding a partner..

Again, what a lovely person you sound like.

Op doesn't have to tell us she's booking a fertility check right now not, that's her business.

And finding a partner is rather important if you don't want to go on alone, which op doesn't sound like she would.

Your language is so derogatory, do you feel you are getting what you want from and, most importantly, helping other people on MN?

If she doesn't want to go alone, and she doesn't meet anyone or settle she dies run the risk of not getting what she'd hoped for. It is just a fact. It is about facing facts.

@fanx

It's hilarious, isn't it? Some people really have no head for odds and statistics at all.

It's hilarious some people think 11% chance over months and months is a good way to plan parenthood. I mean you never know ...

Who is 'planning parenthood' like that?

OP is 36. She wants to meet a partner and try for a baby. Statistics show that time is OVERWHELMINGLY on her side for about the next four years. IF she is unlucky (and that's a big IF) and doesn't meet anyone and decides to resort to IVF at 40ish, she still has an 11% chance of success per cycle, and that's with her own non-frozen eggs, and if technology doesn't keep improving between now and then.

You think a 90% chance of success over the next few years and a further 11% chance with IVF even if she's unlucky initially is bad odds??

As I said, you don't understand statistics.

So fanx believes her two childless friends look at her life on envy, that her 43 year old friend couldn't get a man, abd thst the mostly very reasonable advice on here to a 36 yr old is "stupid".

Riiiight.