My friend has basically said I won’t have a family

[SadSaltye]

I’m 36 and recently single. I said I had started online dating again as I really want to try again and find someone I can build a life with.

My friend literally said well you’ll need to forget the kids part now, ‘only an insane man would have kids with someone in less than a long term relationship and you’ll be past it by the time anything becomes long term.’

I haven’t spoken to her since but actually I am starting to think she’s right. I need to do it within a year or so really. Nobody sane would do that with me. I feel so low. It’s all over isn’t it, that life I wanted.

Sounds like a well balanced individual.

Actually a bit of a misogynist c word, isbt she.

36 , you have plenty of time.

Get yourself out there and see what happens

I was about the same age when I decided I needed to just work on accepting that my dream of a family wouldn't happen gno sign if a partner and no desire to "go it alone" as a couple of people suggested.

I met my now husband when we were both 37. We both knew fairly quickly that we were well-matched, and started to have done reasonably in-depth conversations about our future desires within about 6 months - I think we both knew what we wanted and didn't want to waste time on a relationship going nowhere. We got married 18 months after meeting, and started trying to conceive about 6 months after getting married. We now have a gorgeous 3 year old. We would both ideally have liked a second, but initially covid got in the way and we then decided that at age 43 the chances of another successful pregnancy were getting smaller and we would be happy with the one child we had.

It doesn't happen for everyone, but please don't write yourself off yet.

Fanx, I don't think your "friends" envy your life; after all, it's got you in it.

@SleepingBunnies21

Sounds like a well balanced individual.

Actually a bit of a misogynist c word, isbt she.

Someone clearly very unhappy with their life and trying to make other women feel bad and panic.

Don't pay attention OP. Your chances are very, very good. If you would go it alone or use IVF, it's worth getting a check up to see what the situation is, but you still do have an excellent chance of getting what you want if you date aggressively and bin off timewasters.

The stats are only on her side if she doesn't already have fertility issues ....depleted ovarian reserve/blocked fallopian tubes/other reproductive issues.

"...and does meet anyone and decides to resort to IVF at 40ish, she still has an 11% chance...lol you think spending £££ on treatment is the money people have?? IVF had a very low success rate. She would be told this by any ferility clinic. It has c global failure rate on over 70%. It's concerning to see that uninformed, medically unqualified individuals see IVF as some sort of fall back. You really have no idea. Go and pop over the infertility board to see ow 'successful' IVF is. IVF is frontier science and will not improve drastically in the next 4 years.

Have you experienced loss/miscarriage of repeated cycles?? It is a very small chance of conceiving each month.

It's not, it's slightly less than half that of two 20 somethings with no fertility issues.

Abd by focusing on only chance per month, you continue to demonstrate you do not understand odds.

that's if she can find a man do it with now.

This attitude towards your early 40s "friend" certainly illuminates your attitude towards a 36 yr old op.

Where do you think you've absorbed and internalised your misogyny from?

"Someone clearly very unhappy with their life and trying to make other women feel bad and panic." No I have my family and happy life. Sorry!

"Don't pay attention OP. Your chances are very, very good. If you would go it alone or use IVF, it's worth getting a check up to see what the situation is, but you still do have an excellent chance of getting what you want if you date aggressively and bin off timewasters." Lol, listening to unqualified medical advice is dangerous. 'Your chances are very good, you have excellent chance" you know this how ?? You cannot categorically say that. It is misleading. You know nothing of Ops medical history.

@SleepingBunnies21

that's if she can find a man do it with now.

This attitude towards your early 40s "friend" certainly illuminates your attitude towards a 36 yr old op.

Where do you think you've absorbed and internalised your misogyny from?

Well she's has dated for 10 years tried all the bingos she was fed ...has had her MH ruined by OLD ...I guess it can still happen.... But she has come to her senses not to waste more time on this issue and focus her energies on other areas of life as best she could...endless hope isn't always what people need to hear

@fanx

The stats are only on her side if she doesn't already have fertility issues ....depleted ovarian reserve/blocked fallopian tubes/other reproductive issues.

"...and does meet anyone and decides to resort to IVF at 40ish, she still has an 11% chance...lol you think spending £££ on treatment is the money people have?? IVF had a very low success rate. She would be told this by any ferility clinic. It has c global failure rate on over 70%. It's concerning to see that uninformed, medically unqualified individuals see IVF as some sort of fall back. You really have no idea. Go and pop over the infertility board to see ow 'successful' IVF is. IVF is frontier science and will not improve drastically in the next 4 years.

Oh my God.

You do understand that the statistics include those people, right? The 10% of people who aren't successful are likely to have those issues. They are the people who then go on to have IVF, which has a 25%+ success rate per cycle up to 40. And you think these are bad odds? Yes, IVF is a fall back. Nobody chooses to have IVF unless they've failed to conceive naturally. A 1 in 4 chance is a hell of a lot better than no chance, isn't it? Or it is for most of us not living on whatever planet you're on.

Nobody is guaranteed to conceive. Nobody. The point here is that OP's chances are still pretty good. Yes, she might have fertility issues. She might get hit by a bus tomorrow. Struck by lightning. How is any of this relevant to the fact that she has far more chance than not of getting what she wants?

@fanx

"Someone clearly very unhappy with their life and trying to make other women feel bad and panic." No I have my family and happy life. Sorry!

"Don't pay attention OP. Your chances are very, very good. If you would go it alone or use IVF, it's worth getting a check up to see what the situation is, but you still do have an excellent chance of getting what you want if you date aggressively and bin off timewasters." Lol, listening to unqualified medical advice is dangerous. 'Your chances are very good, you have excellent chance" you know this how ?? You cannot categorically say that. It is misleading. You know nothing of Ops medical history.

Do you just not understand the word 'chance'? The concept of 'odds'? You really don't seem to.

The chances of any random 36-year-old woman having a baby in the next five years are extremely high. Yes, OP might be part of the unlucky minority who can't conceive naturally or through IVF. We can't know that. She can't know that. That doesn't change the odds that the chances of her having a baby one way or another in the next few years are well above 90%.

You're embarrassing. Your lack of education is embarrassing. Do an online statistics course or something.

fanx thinks a woman of 36 who has not mentioned any existing medical issues or known fertility problems should just give up and 'focus on other areas of life' despite the chances of her having a successful pregnancy in the next few years are over 90%. Just slightly lower than the chances would be if she were 29.

Jesus wept.

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My friend has basically said I won’t have a family339
OP’s posts: See all
Show OP
Today 11:58SleepingBunnies21

So fanx believes her two childless friends look at her life on envy, that her 43 year old friend couldn't get a man, abd thst the mostly very reasonable advice on here to a 36 yr old is "stupid".

Riiiight.

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Today 12:00SleepingBunnies21

Sounds like a well balanced individual.

Actually a bit of a misogynist c word, isbt she.

Today 12:01Strangevipers

36 , you have plenty of time.

Get yourself out there and see what happens

Today 12:02Flev

I was about the same age when I decided I needed to just work on accepting that my dream of a family wouldn't happen gno sign if a partner and no desire to "go it alone" as a couple of people suggested.

I met my now husband when we were both 37. We both knew fairly quickly that we were well-matched, and started to have done reasonably in-depth conversations about our future desires within about 6 months - I think we both knew what we wanted and didn't want to waste time on a relationship going nowhere. We got married 18 months after meeting, and started trying to conceive about 6 months after getting married. We now have a gorgeous 3 year old. We would both ideally have liked a second, but initially covid got in the way and we then decided that at age 43 the chances of another successful pregnancy were getting smaller and we would be happy with the one child we had.

It doesn't happen for everyone, but please don't write yourself off yet.

Today 12:05SleepingBunnies21

Fanx, I don't think your "friends" envy your life; after all, it's got you in it.

Today 12:07CecilieRose

SleepingBunnies21

Sounds like a well balanced individual.

Actually a bit of a misogynist c word, isbt she.

Someone clearly very unhappy with their life and trying to make other women feel bad and panic.

Don't pay attention OP. Your chances are very, very good. If you would go it alone or use IVF, it's worth getting a check up to see what the situation is, but you still do have an excellent chance of getting what you want if you date aggressively and bin off timewasters.

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Today 12:08fanx

The stats are only on her side if she doesn't already have fertility issues ....depleted ovarian reserve/blocked fallopian tubes/other reproductive issues.

"...and does meet anyone and decides to resort to IVF at 40ish, she still has an 11% chance...lol you think spending £££ on treatment is the money people have?? IVF had a very low success rate. She would be told this by any ferility clinic. It has c global failure rate on over 70%. It's concerning to see that uninformed, medically unqualified individuals see IVF as some sort of fall back. You really have no idea. Go and pop over the infertility board to see ow 'successful' IVF is. IVF is frontier science and will not improve drastically in the next 4 years.

Today 12:09SleepingBunnies21

Have you experienced loss/miscarriage of repeated cycles?? It is a very small chance of conceiving each month.

It's not, it's slightly less than half that of two 20 somethings with no fertility issues.

Abd by focusing on only chance per month, you continue to demonstrate you do not understand odds.

Today 12:11SleepingBunnies21

that's if she can find a man do it with now.

This attitude towards your early 40s "friend" certainly illuminates your attitude towards a 36 yr old op.

Where do you think you've absorbed and internalised your misogyny from?

Today 12:12fanx

"Someone clearly very unhappy with their life and trying to make other women feel bad and panic." No I have my family and happy life. Sorry!

"Don't pay attention OP. Your chances are very, very good. If you would go it alone or use IVF, it's worth getting a check up to see what the situation is, but you still do have an excellent chance of getting what you want if you date aggressively and bin off timewasters." Lol, listening to unqualified medical advice is dangerous. 'Your chances are very good, you have excellent chance" you know this how confused?? You cannot categorically say that. It is misleading. You know nothing of Ops medical history.

Today 12:15fanx

SleepingBunnies21

that's if she can find a man do it with now.

This attitude towards your early 40s "friend" certainly illuminates your attitude towards a 36 yr old op.

Where do you think you've absorbed and internalised your misogyny from?

Well she's has dated for 10 years tried all the bingos she was fed ...has had her MH ruined by OLD ...I guess it can still happen.... But she has come to her senses not to waste more time on this issue and focus her energies on other areas of life as best she could...endless hope isn't always what people need to hear

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Today 12:19CecilieRose

fanx

The stats are only on her side if she doesn't already have fertility issues ....depleted ovarian reserve/blocked fallopian tubes/other reproductive issues.

"...and does meet anyone and decides to resort to IVF at 40ish, she still has an 11% chance...lol you think spending £££ on treatment is the money people have?? IVF had a very low success rate. She would be told this by any ferility clinic. It has c global failure rate on over 70%. It's concerning to see that uninformed, medically unqualified individuals see IVF as some sort of fall back. You really have no idea. Go and pop over the infertility board to see ow 'successful' IVF is. IVF is frontier science and will not improve drastically in the next 4 years.

Oh my God.

You do understand that the statistics include those people, right? The 10% of people who aren't successful are likely to have those issues. They are the people who then go on to have IVF, which has a 25%+ success rate per cycle up to 40. And you think these are bad odds? Yes, IVF is a fall back. Nobody chooses to have IVF unless they've failed to conceive naturally. A 1 in 4 chance is a hell of a lot better than no chance, isn't it? Or it is for most of us not living on whatever planet you're on.

Nobody is guaranteed to conceive. Nobody. The point here is that OP's chances are still pretty good. Yes, she might have fertility issues. She might get hit by a bus tomorrow. Struck by lightning. How is any of this relevant to the fact that she has far more chance than not of getting what she wants?

Today 12:24CecilieRose

fanx

"Someone clearly very unhappy with their life and trying to make other women feel bad and panic." No I have my family and happy life. Sorry!

"Don't pay attention OP. Your chances are very, very good. If you would go it alone or use IVF, it's worth getting a check up to see what the situation is, but you still do have an excellent chance of getting what you want if you date aggressively and bin off timewasters." Lol, listening to unqualified medical advice is dangerous. 'Your chances are very good, you have excellent chance" you know this how confused?? You cannot categorically say that. It is misleading. You know nothing of Ops medical history.

Do you just not understand the word 'chance'? The concept of 'odds'? You really don't seem to.

The chances of any random 36-year-old woman having a baby in the next five years are extremely high. Yes, OP might be part of the unlucky minority who can't conceive naturally or through IVF. We can't know that. She can't know that. That doesn't change the odds that the chances of her having a baby one way or another in the next few years are well above 90%.

You're embarrassing. Your lack of education is embarrassing. Do an online statistics course or something.

I wouldn't listen to anyone like the poster above who is clearly medically unqualified. Your advice is unhinged, and has no evidence- based data other than your own weird 'analysis'.

@CecilieRose

fanx thinks a woman of 36 who has not mentioned any existing medical issues or known fertility problems should just give up and 'focus on other areas of life' despite the chances of her having a successful pregnancy in the next few years are over 90%. Just slightly lower than the chances would be if she were 29.

Jesus wept.

Never said that. I said I my earlier post some pages back to get her fertility tests done.

Relying on random fertility advice from well wishers/unprofessional individuals is really unwise. I've said this many times.

Well Op according to @CecilieRose

You've nothing to worry about she's done a 'calculation' lol so life will be just fine!

@fanx

I've said this many times.

Many, many, many times. One might say more than enough times.

Your behaviour, as I said, has gone from spiteful to bizarre.

All you're doing is repeating yourself and lashing out at people with the odd sarcy 'lol' thrown in for extra measure.

Go do something else instead of banging on saying the same thing.

@fanx except I didn't say that anywhere, did I? I said the odds are very good, because they are.

Scare mongering and coming up with worst case scenarios based on a statistically extremely unlikely scenario, and telling OP to focus on another life is downright wicked. If a partner and kids are what she wants, she has an excellent chance. It's well worth trying. What does she even have to lose? If she gets to 40+ and has had no luck, she can think about another life then, when it actually is starting to get too late.

You really do need to get some help.

A small probability is not impossible. But unlikely.
Even so she didn’t have to be mean.

[quote CecilieRose]@fanx except I didn't say that anywhere, did I? I said the odds are very good, because they are.

Scare mongering and coming up with worst case scenarios based on a statistically extremely unlikely scenario, and telling OP to focus on another life is downright wicked. If a partner and kids are what she wants, she has an excellent chance. It's well worth trying. What does she even have to lose? If she gets to 40+ and has had no luck, she can think about another life then, when it actually is starting to get too late.

You really do need to get some help.[/quote]
You still seem to think that your odds/chances calculations are of any real use to an individual. Very entitled. And very presumptions. I really wouldn't follow your 'calculations'. Many women think it's scare mongering until they actually get educated on how fertility works behind GCSEs

"Scare mongering and coming up with worst case scenarios based on a statistically extremely unlikely scenario" if you could be bothered to watch the YouTube link by Prof Harper from UCL you'd find that discussing fertility options in your mid 30s isn't scare mongering at all. It is sensible to investigate and be informed about. Infertility is real and does happen. Again only one way to know. I said Op needs to be realistic that she may not meet a man in time just as much as she may. A balanced argument.

I never said she should abandon her wish to meet a partner that's just you misunderstanding things. I said she should get fertility investigated. Many times.

Nobody has a crystal ball but you need to decide how long if at all you are willing to wait for 'fate'. Waiting to meet someone is waiting for fate to take over.

You also need to decide if you'd be willing to go down the sperm donor route. This would definitely eliminate the stress of dating/finding a partner.

You could spend the next 5/6/7 years dating and never meet anyone or you could meet someone tomorrow. The issue is about control: how much control are you willing to have over this area of your life? And what are you prepared/not prepared to do alone?

I think people may be focussing on the wrong thing.

OP says she wants someone to build a life with. Also mentions being worried about the chances of children

It depends on what part she is focussing on. If its children she can just go have a few ONS and get pregnant. If she wants the lifelong relationship then she needs to focus on that, Many women in long term relationships/marriages have issues with pregnancy irrespective of age, some fall pregnant easily, she won't know which she is until it happens. Of course her partner could also have fertility issues that would be when she has to decide if she wants children more than a partner.

@fanx as I said, go and learn how statistics work. I'm serious. You do not understand basic maths or logic. And 'my' odds and calculations? Are you kidding me? They are from the NHS website. I suppose you think they have some agenda to fool women?

I never said she shouldn't get her fertility checked. That's a good idea IF she knows what she would do with the information, for example, trying to go it alone. If her desire for a child outweighs her desire for a life partner then yes, she may as well get cracking tomorrow with some donor sperm. Nobody is denying that sooner is better than later. Nobody. Nobody has said infertility isn't real. The problem is that you're taking something which is statistically very unlikely and presenting it as if it's the most probable outcome, and that is scare mongering.

@BigFatLiar

I think people may be focussing on the wrong thing.

OP says she wants someone to build a life with. Also mentions being worried about the chances of children

It depends on what part she is focussing on. If its children she can just go have a few ONS and get pregnant. If she wants the lifelong relationship then she needs to focus on that, Many women in long term relationships/marriages have issues with pregnancy irrespective of age, some fall pregnant easily, she won't know which she is until it happens. Of course her partner could also have fertility issues that would be when she has to decide if she wants children more than a partner.

Well, this is the crux of the issue. It doesn't sound to me like she desperately wants a baby. It sounds like she wants a partner, with the option of still having a family. Very different things. She's asking if the odds are good of meeting someone and being able to conceive, and statistically speaking, they are. That's all anyone is telling her here. There are no guarantees in life, ever.