My friend has basically said I won’t have a family

[SadSaltye]

I’m 36 and recently single. I said I had started online dating again as I really want to try again and find someone I can build a life with.

My friend literally said well you’ll need to forget the kids part now, ‘only an insane man would have kids with someone in less than a long term relationship and you’ll be past it by the time anything becomes long term.’

I haven’t spoken to her since but actually I am starting to think she’s right. I need to do it within a year or so really. Nobody sane would do that with me. I feel so low. It’s all over isn’t it, that life I wanted.

Of course. Several mums is all the evidence you need ...

@fanx it doesn't guarantee anyone else will be successful. I'm sure the OP knows that. But it can happen. The older we are the more likely we are to know if someone is right for us. I didn't think i would meet someone and have kids, having had severe endometriosis and getting divorced at 32. Maybe I was lucky. But it can happen. Having now seen lots of arguments with you on this I will stop here.

Op, one of the main things that seems tk ge bothering you is that if you ttc with a partner, it won't ve within a v long relationship.

To be blunt; so fucking what.

There are couples who are together a matter of months before they marry and/or have kids and are together decades later.

There are couples who get married after 10/15 years relationship and break down within a year or two of getting married. I know of one.

There are women on here every day of the week in decades long marriages whose husband's and kids fathers have cheated on them and left (or are staying in the meanwhile with the whole marriage tainted and insecure).

It's a crap shoot.

Stop idealising.

@fanx

Of course. Several mums is all the evidence you need ...

And the statistics you keep disregarding, which show that the chances of conceiving by 40 are extremely good.

Please get some kind of help. You really have a serious problem.

@SadSaltye

This theme comes often on MN and it’s always the same - lots it ‘don’t lose hope, it will all work out’.
And it can, but it also can not.

I think you need to be pragmatic and plan.
For starters - you don’t have much time, as you know. So - extend that time by freezing your eggs. It will buy you an extention of several years.

Secondly, we all have our dreams. But at some point, those might need to get adjusted. Especially - given that they don’t all work out, even when it looks like they do.

I am about 10 ahead of you. So have seen a lot of friends go through the phase you are in.
Some - had their dreams realised - met and married in time, build a family together as you are hoping to do. Some are still together, many are struggling or divorcing.

Then there were the ones like you - single in mid-30s. None managed to meet/marry/have a kid in a year. Lots of pressure and unsuccessful dating - men understandably felt like the women were looking for a baby daddy and ran away.
A few ended up having IVF babies first, then forming relationships later, once baby pressure eased.
Some ended up alone and missed out on having kids as well.

So - things don’t have to end badly. Not everything is lost. But you do need to consider being flexible about your life path as it may not be exactly as you have imagined.

@SleepingBunnies21

Op, one of the main things that seems tk ge bothering you is that if you ttc with a partner, it won't ve within a v long relationship.

To be blunt; so fucking what.

There are couples who are together a matter of months before they marry and/or have kids and are together decades later.

There are couples who get married after 10/15 years relationship and break down within a year or two of getting married. I know of one.

There are women on here every day of the week in decades long marriages whose husband's and kids fathers have cheated on them and left (or are staying in the meanwhile with the whole marriage tainted and insecure).

It's a crap shoot.

Stop idealising.

I know a woman who met her partner at 36, nearly 37 and was engaged and pregnant within six months. Seems insanely quick to me, but she said she just knew, and they're still together and happy four years on. Prior to that she married her partner of 10 years and the marriage barely lasted two years.

She asked whether it's possible to meet someone and do it all in 5 minutes?

Wow your posts are coming through very quickly for someone in a different space time continuim from the rest of us.

She's 36.
The majority of people's fertility is good til 39, some longer.

Plenty of people in their late 30s get down to things sharpish when they get I to relationships because they want to abd know they have to.

A fertility check would still be a v good idea for op in the meantime.

Wow your posts are coming through very quickly for someone in a different space time continuim from the rest of us

@fanx

Have any of you actually missed the boat in terms of having children? Or are you snuggly married and have them already happened. It's like 'it's meant to be [hmm?]..and the universe delivers to those who wait lol...

Not at all in my case. I have 2 adopted DDs now, aged 12 and 9, and my infertility is something I’ve long since come to terms with, but I remember how painful it was. (I wouldn’t presume to recommend adoption, as I’m aware that it isn’t for everyone and it’s a very tough road to choose.)

That doesn’t mean that it won’t work out differently for the OP. My DSis had her DC at 37 and 39, in her second marriage, so it was an entirely different story for her. As it has been for other women on this thread.

However, OP, I do agree with PPs that a fertility check would be a good idea.

The main hurt really came from this idea that I could never have a connection with someone soon enough or fast enough to be close enough to then be at that stage. I guess I can imagine I might meet someone possibly… but it’s now the idea that if I do, they will basically feel a stranger for a long time. And I don’t know any different really as aside from a couple of shit few month things, my other relationships have been longer term

I see what you mean, but I don't think this is necessarily true. I met my DH young and we waited for a fairly long time to have children, but we knew in a matter of weeks that we wanted it to be forever and it's the past 10 years of having children together than have revealed new sides to each of us, not the 9 years beforehand. I'm not sure we know each other loads better after 9 years than after the first.

And someone can turn round after 20 years of marriage and reveal themselves to be a complete stranger, you see threads like that all the time on MN

Looking back on my 30s, the angst over meeting people and when to (or whether not to) have children was so hard and worrying for me and many of my friends Ten years on, lots of different and good lives are being lived. My aunt met my uncle at 38, had a child after a year, all still very happy ten years on. Two friends had children by donor sperm in late 30s, both have later partnered up with lovely people they met in their 40s. Several friends have not had children (some by choice, some not) and have built lives they are happy with.

I wouldn't despair, either of that life you want now panning out, or of a different but great one materialising

(Dump the friend, though)

My closed friend also said that. I'm 39 and single so he's was probably right. He's under instructions not to mention it again.

Yeah, she's not a great friend.

It's one of those th

As PP have said, there's still plenty of chance to meet someone and have a family. 36 is young. That's not to say it will happen, in the same way no 25yo is guaranteed a child. It may take longer, it did me when I tried later on. An awful lot of this 'fertility off a cliff' stuff " is fear mongering- there's a reason the vast majority of my grandmothers peers had surprise babies in their 40's, and it's not that they were barren. Egg quality is likely to decrease. Actually so can sperm quality in an older partner, and statistically you are probably having less sex in your 40's simply due to your partners age. It's still much more likely than not. It's wise to understand it won't be so easy, but far from impossible.

Anecdotally, much like many of these stories, I met DH at 37, had DS's at 41 and 43 although I did already have DD. We have the most solid relationship of my life, he's not a stranger, I'm not the oldest mum I know, I'm not too old.

Your friend is being bitchy. Even if what she says were true (it's not), now is not the time to shove it in your face. It may not happen for you, and you have to work with that, but telling you it definitely won't is just mean.

It's one of those things she should think and nit say.

It's also not necessarily true.
A member of my family met her partner at 40, had her first kid at 41 and her second is on the way at 44.

[quote MMmomDD]@SadSaltye

This theme comes often on MN and it’s always the same - lots it ‘don’t lose hope, it will all work out’.
And it can, but it also can not.

I think you need to be pragmatic and plan.
For starters - you don’t have much time, as you know. So - extend that time by freezing your eggs. It will buy you an extention of several years.

Secondly, we all have our dreams. But at some point, those might need to get adjusted. Especially - given that they don’t all work out, even when it looks like they do.

I am about 10 ahead of you. So have seen a lot of friends go through the phase you are in.
Some - had their dreams realised - met and married in time, build a family together as you are hoping to do. Some are still together, many are struggling or divorcing.

Then there were the ones like you - single in mid-30s. None managed to meet/marry/have a kid in a year. Lots of pressure and unsuccessful dating - men understandably felt like the women were looking for a baby daddy and ran away.
A few ended up having IVF babies first, then forming relationships later, once baby pressure eased.
Some ended up alone and missed out on having kids as well.

So - things don’t have to end badly. Not everything is lost. But you do need to consider being flexible about your life path as it may not be exactly as you have imagined.[/quote]
A really well-balanced reply @MMmomDD

I agree about being flexible 100% that's the best way to manage expectations and adjust them

@Toddlerteaplease

My closed friend also said that. I'm 39 and single so he's was probably right. He's under instructions not to mention it again.

Have you done anything about it (proactively) and got fertility tests done?

I'm starting to think a couple of posters on this thread are shills for fertility clinics.

Yes, it's a good idea to get checked out, but only if you intend to do something with that information, such as start IVF with donor sperm. Otherwise, what exactly is it going to change? If OP has no interest in going it alone and wants to meet someone and try naturally, it makes no difference what her fertility is like right now. She's already getting out there and trying to meet someone. It's not like she's saying "you know, I might do a PhD first and then start thinking about it at 40."

I would have most likely ended up childless and possibly single had I waited and not gone down the solo route, aged 38/39. I have a blocked fallopian tube (only discovered when I did routine fertility checks via the private clinic, no other signs symptoms at all). I would have needed IVF most definitely as confirmed by my consultant.

So I'd be needing to meet someone who was willing to spend money on treatment pretty much straight away (no guarantees it'd work) and generally engage with this issue early on the relationship, it's a tall order for any relationship never mind anew one.

I'm glad I took control and am pregnant and expecting next month. The dread of meeting/finding someone I liked/was attracted too/who wanted the same things as me in the designated time frame was too much of a risk (and believe me I've tried it all before turning 38/39 inc being married in my early 30s).

I adjusted my expectations and I'm glad I did. Much better than seething with bitterness and regret. I really feel now there's plenty of time to meet someone as there literally is! No rush, no demands. Can't wait!

@CecilieRose

I'm starting to think a couple of posters on this thread are shills for fertility clinics.

Yes, it's a good idea to get checked out, but only if you intend to do something with that information, such as start IVF with donor sperm. Otherwise, what exactly is it going to change? If OP has no interest in going it alone and wants to meet someone and try naturally, it makes no difference what her fertility is like right now. She's already getting out there and trying to meet someone. It's not like she's saying "you know, I might do a PhD first and then start thinking about it at 40."

If in was 'peddling' a clinic I'd name it and it'd be removed by the moderators.

The YouTube video is made by Fertility Network 'Fertility Education with Prof Joyce Harper, UCL Institute for Women's Health

@CecilieRose

I'm starting to think a couple of posters on this thread are shills for fertility clinics.

Yes, it's a good idea to get checked out, but only if you intend to do something with that information, such as start IVF with donor sperm. Otherwise, what exactly is it going to change? If OP has no interest in going it alone and wants to meet someone and try naturally, it makes no difference what her fertility is like right now. She's already getting out there and trying to meet someone. It's not like she's saying "you know, I might do a PhD first and then start thinking about it at 40."

It makes a difference in your approach to relationships. If all is OK for the moment, you could still keep visualising your future, if not then you'd be more likely to adjust your future visions.

If you know of a known fertility issue don't you think it'd be fair to disclose it to a potential partner?

Oh I'll add an anecdote.

Started trying to conceive when I was 37. It took 9 months but I finally conceived at 38. Had baby at 39. All seems well with baby - no health issues. No miscarriages along the way. Very, very straightforward birth with no complications (aside from some stitches).

I will admit that it probably took longer to conceive than if I had been 27 (although who knows for certain). Because DH and I were over 35, we 'should' have seen the doctor after six months of trying to conceive with no luck. We didn't because of COVID, and in our case we just needed a little extra patience.

Yes, this is anecdotal. My experience won't be the OP's experience. But I'm happy to add my voice to the 'few mums on Mumsnet'.

Jean Twenge wrote a good article in the Atlantic some years ago about where these statistics about infertility come from. It's quite reassuring in many ways: www.google.com/amp/s/amp.theatlantic.com/amp/article/309374/

@fanx so why go looking?? Fertility is never guaranteed.

And how exactly would she 'adjust her future visions'? Unless OP is really desperate for a baby and would go it alone if necessary, it doesn't change anything. And if she is that desperate, it would make sense to start the process right now, as 36 is obviously better than 39 or 40 in terms of having success. I just don't see how finding out about her fertility would influence relationship choices. She wants to meet someone, she's trying to meet someone, she isn't putting it off.

@CecilieRose

I'm starting to think a couple of posters on this thread are shills for fertility clinics.

Yes, it's a good idea to get checked out, but only if you intend to do something with that information, such as start IVF with donor sperm. Otherwise, what exactly is it going to change? If OP has no interest in going it alone and wants to meet someone and try naturally, it makes no difference what her fertility is like right now. She's already getting out there and trying to meet someone. It's not like she's saying "you know, I might do a PhD first and then start thinking about it at 40."

I wish I worked for a fertility clinic, I'd earn more.

Besides what fertility clinic, in this day an age, needs to trawl a forum and advertise, thry have plenty of customers - oh and this shills is a general , combined one for all clinics, who ate all in competition wity each other.

Anyway, I think it would make a difference because op would know if she had any issues- and if they are treatable, get them treated, know her reserve (roughly) etc. It could infirm her decisions going forward, with or without a partner.

I'd booked a fertility clinic for a check up as at nearly 41 it seemed sensible. I was pregnant within 6 weeks of coming off the pill & well before my appointment came up... fairly plain sailing from there onwards

Good friend had the same experience at 44