Don’t know what to make of what he’s said

[WhatToDo11]

Officially exclusive for 7 months, seeing each other for 10.

Right at the start we had a conversation about what we wanted. He’s 38 and I’m 36. Both said we wanted to settle down and family etc. We didn’t talk about specifics but I wanted to know we were on the same page and he said the same, before we got into anything more serious.

Anyway, last night we are driving back from the shops and we park outside and a child runs past the car very close. He said something about how his friend always says his child does that, then says he can’t wait for kids. This made me smile and I love him and it felt nice to hear him say that. I told him that it had made me smile and he said how many would you want, I said 3 probably but any would be nice. I then said with three though I’d want to crack on soon if that was the aim. He paused and said totally casually ‘yeah I would want to start that in four or five years time.’ This obviously took me by surprise. I told him so and said why would it be an aim to put it off for so long if we are in love and things are going well? He said he would consider 4 years but basically any shorter wouldn’t work for him as he’s still enjoying getting better at work. He pretty much shut down the conversation.

We had food in the car so we started to unpack it and went in to cook. I can’t get his comments out of my head. I really love him and honestly thought we’d go the distance but this has thrown me.

Well in 4 to 5 years, he can easily have kids. For you it is a different prospect. I can't imagine he is so ignorant as to not know this. I feel like you need to raise it with him again.

Sorry I’m 35 that should say not 36!!!

Really tough! What's a realistic timeframe to have kids with someone? You're only dating. What's the timeline for living together? Two years? Then how long after that to get married? Another year? Then kids, would maybe be four? I don't think his timeline is unreasonable given how new your relationship is tbh. Plenty of people are together a lot longer..

If you want kids sooner - what is the alternative? Break up, spend a year finding someone new (or longer!) and then face the same time anyway. Or go it alone with a donor (not something I could do).

You need to talk to him. Decide what you want. And then you need to reach a compromise or one of you gives in. Because it isn't always possible to compromise and yes sometimes one person has to give in on something, in the hope the other one will on something else.

ps you might easily be able to have kids in four or five years. You might not even now. No guarantees at any age and lots of my friends have battled infertility from mid 20s to 40s.

Rather inconsiderate of him to tell you that and not understand why it would worry you, given your age and desire to have them. Also, I am very suspicious of men in their late 30s who say they want to wait till their 40s to have kids - and cite career as a reason. 25-35 I can understand that, but 38 - what the bloody hell has be doing all this while if not focusing on his career. Also it means he likes kids as an abstract concept and will be the sort of bloke who dumps all child care on his partner while he stays focused on career. No man who really really wants kids would have this arbitrary 4 year deadline taking him into his 40s. And no man who wants them wouldn't consider his partner's age when making the decision.

Bring it up again and explain that biologically waiting 4 years is not practical for you. See what he says. If he's unwilling to even discuss it or understand your concerns, then you have your first red flag - he does not compromise and doesn't see kids as a partnership activity. Just another thing to acquire.

You need to speak to him about this properly. If you're 35 now then you really can't afford to waot 4 years to only just start trying to conceive. Ideally, you'd need to start now or within the next year.

Yes, lots of people will be on soon saying they didn't start trying for a baby til they were 45 and had 5 kids in quick succession but that's actually very rare.

You don't know if either of you has any fertility issues and you don't know how long it will take you to conceive.

If he's not going to be ready to start trying within the next year then I'd say find someone else. Don't let him keep you dangling.

I understand. I wasn't that fussed about kids or not but I knew I'd rather have 4 years in a relationship before kids, and that's how it turned out, we met at 33 and I had our first at 37. maybe you need to gently tell him women's fertility declines in the later 30s.

So before this OP have you never discussed children?

At 35 you do not have time to waste. I would discuss with him and make it clear that its a deal breaker for you.

It takes time to fall pregnant it's totally different for men OP.

Yeah I'd make it clear in biological terms the implications of his decision.....that for a woman in her 40s something like 90% plus of her eggs are expected to be chromosomally abnormal, that this increases to 95% over age 43. That ivf success rates over 43 are as low as 2-3%. There is a reason why the NHS doesn't offer IVF to women over 40...because the success rates are woeful. Give I'm the facts and tell him he has 2 years max to "enjoy" his work FFS this sort of thing makes me so mad that people are so ignorant of their own fertility and that of their partners

(Speaking as someone infertile by age 36 after multiple losses and spent £35k on IVF)

He’s a selfish idiot.

@todaysdilemma I'm glad it's not just me that's a bit suspicious.. for me it's the responsibility factor too that I kind of see it as a red flag! I know people deem it as a positive but in reality I think it's often very telling..

If you want kids , this is not the man to have them with.

That was a roundabout way of saying he doesnt see himself having kids with YOU Im afraid

@Namechangeforone

ps you might easily be able to have kids in four or five years. You might not even now. No guarantees at any age and lots of my friends have battled infertility from mid 20s to 40s.

Yes but if she would like three kids, waiting four years pretty much guarantees that this will never happen

At 36 I would not leave it another 4 years before trying. If you did have fertility issues your window of time to address them would be very small.

Yes, lots of people will be on soon saying they didn't start trying for a baby til they were 45 and had 5 kids in quick succession but that's actually very rare.
More like impossible!

I'm 41 and I wouldn't like the prospect of trying again now.

@todaysdilemma

Rather inconsiderate of him to tell you that and not understand why it would worry you, given your age and desire to have them. Also, I am very suspicious of men in their late 30s who say they want to wait till their 40s to have kids - and cite career as a reason. 25-35 I can understand that, but 38 - what the bloody hell has be doing all this while if not focusing on his career. Also it means he likes kids as an abstract concept and will be the sort of bloke who dumps all child care on his partner while he stays focused on career. No man who really really wants kids would have this arbitrary 4 year deadline taking him into his 40s. And no man who wants them wouldn't consider his partner's age when making the decision.

Bring it up again and explain that biologically waiting 4 years is not practical for you. See what he says. If he's unwilling to even discuss it or understand your concerns, then you have your first red flag - he does not compromise and doesn't see kids as a partnership activity. Just another thing to acquire.

Excellent post

I don’t think he’s serious about wanting children. He certainly hasn’t thought about you , has he? It would be obvious to an idea of that waiting four or five years until you’re 40 or 41 Is going to have major consequences for your fertility and energy levels. Also will probably limit the number of children you may have .

Idiot not idea

If you're 35 and leave him now, you still have time to meet someone else. If you wait around for him, he could keep stalling until it's too late for you.

Fertility is so unfair. It's not fair that men get to dick around for years and can suddenly decide they want children in their 40s with usually no issues while women have a set window

@LoekMa

That was a roundabout way of saying he doesnt see himself having kids with YOU Im afraid

I agree

“I can’t wait for kids” “I want to wait 4-5 years for kids”. These two statements he’s made can’t both be true so he’s not being truthful with you.

I’d be wary of a man his age fake futuring you because he views you as his Mrs right now and in a few years when you push the issue, he’ll break up with you and you’ll be back at square one except you’ll be older and possibly less fertile.

You need to have a really open and honest conversation about this with him.

I think this has shades of future faking. He's saying yes to kids to keep you interested but in a way that makes it a somewhat distant prospect.

I agree with @LoekMa too