Don’t know what to make of what he’s said

[WhatToDo11]

Officially exclusive for 7 months, seeing each other for 10.

Right at the start we had a conversation about what we wanted. He’s 38 and I’m 36. Both said we wanted to settle down and family etc. We didn’t talk about specifics but I wanted to know we were on the same page and he said the same, before we got into anything more serious.

Anyway, last night we are driving back from the shops and we park outside and a child runs past the car very close. He said something about how his friend always says his child does that, then says he can’t wait for kids. This made me smile and I love him and it felt nice to hear him say that. I told him that it had made me smile and he said how many would you want, I said 3 probably but any would be nice. I then said with three though I’d want to crack on soon if that was the aim. He paused and said totally casually ‘yeah I would want to start that in four or five years time.’ This obviously took me by surprise. I told him so and said why would it be an aim to put it off for so long if we are in love and things are going well? He said he would consider 4 years but basically any shorter wouldn’t work for him as he’s still enjoying getting better at work. He pretty much shut down the conversation.

We had food in the car so we started to unpack it and went in to cook. I can’t get his comments out of my head. I really love him and honestly thought we’d go the distance but this has thrown me.

BTW, he will likely backtrack now if you say this is a deal breaker for you. So no matter he says, if you do stay, the look to a marriage proposal and wedding within a year or two because if he won't meet that milestone then you can guarantee he will continue to put kids off.

Also, OP, I would mention to him how harder it would be for you to get pregnant and not have a miscarriage etc.

One ex colleague of mine got pregnant at 37 and then a year later.

A friend of mine got pregnant at 40 but had a miscarriage at 10 weeks and then waited I think 2-3 years before falling pregnant again and luckily has had her baby but it really isn't straightforward in your late 30s/40s re pregnancy, no matter how positive stories you hear.

I'm sorry, but he either doesn't really want kids or he doesn't want them with you.

Because anyone with half a brain will not have failed to realised (especially with all the media hype) that 36 year old women shouldn't be waiting 4 or 5 years to think about starting to try for dhildren.

I'd like to be wrong, but honestly, a 38 year old man should have a more realistic view of what having children entails and when these things happen easily (most likely) not just for himself but for women. Your fertility is likely already on the decline, as is his. Not gone hopefully, but definitely on the decline. And the chances of genetic issues also increase with age of both parties.

In four years he'll be saying he's not quite ready, there'll be some job excuse to wait a while.

Don't waste time on this man, OP, he's not going to be the father of the children you want unless by accident.

@Namechangeforone

I'm afraid this is the downside of meeting someone when you're older. He's not at all unreasonable for not wanting kids one or two years into a relationship. Maybe he's using the career thing as an exct rather than saying 'have kids together sooner than four years of being together, are you nuts?'

Talk to him.

I agree - he's probably not done any specific calculations in his head but was putting four years out there as a reasonable relationship guideline.

All you can do is work out your own timeline and let him know what that is - he'll either meet you where you need to be or he won't be able to.

But you're the one with the more limited options when it comes to fertility so you need to have a firm deadline and firm boundaries.

A lot of projecting going on on this thread.

Nobody is unreasonable for not wanting to crack on and have kids soon after only 7 months. The difference here is that your fertility clock is ticking, and so you likely don’t have years and years. But this is the downside of not having children until you’re older and not being in a relationship where you might want children until you’re older.

Having children shouldn’t all depend on whether you’re going to run out of time. If a 25 year old came on and said they wanted to start trying right away with a man they’d known For 7 months they would be told that they barely know the man and should give it time to get to know each other first. Hell most people don’t even think it’s appropriate to introduce existing children into a new relationship for at least a year, much less have new ones.

After 7 months you don’t know each other at all.

People will tell you to crack on because of your age, but tbh I still don’t think it’s any more of a good idea when you’re reaching the end of your childbearing years than it is when you’re in your mid 20’s.

Maybe he has no idea about fertility stats

I met dh at 41. He had never envisaged having dc... I wanted one with him and we knew time wasn't on our side...
Ds arrived 22 months later.. I was 43.2.
Ttc again when ds was 1. Too late for more just had mmc and very early losses..

"If you're in love and talking about the future, you should be able to have a conversation with him about the fact that you can't wait that long, although I don't know how he can have not realised that. If he's still dithering after that, you have your answer.

I'm very sorry to say that a lot of men will string a woman along until it's too late for her, then leave and have kids with someone younger. It is shit but it is true. Don't let him. Better to be single than with someone who does that."

This with bells on. As a poster said upthread - it is difficult for women when they meet their partners in their mid- to late 30s. It means rushing things that you would otherwise have taken more time over. So if you had more time to play with, suggesting that you have children in about 4 years' time would seem quite fair. And he would probably have no difficulty fathering children in his 40s and 50s, even beyond, but it is a different story for you. Waiting for 4 years is a much bigger risk for you than for him, including the risk that you miss out on having children and he then leaves and starts a family with a younger woman. I've seen that happen and I know other posters on here have seen that happen also.

If having children is an absolute must for you then this is probably not the right man and unfortunately you don't have time to waste. You need to lay your cards on the table and be prepared to walk away, don't make threats you're not going to follow through on.

I know too many women who waited for a man to be ready, left it too late and then were left for a younger still fertile woman.

I wouldn’t hang around, op. I don’t think he wants kids with you, I’m afraid.

Lots of PPS are probably right that he doesn't want kids with you. AFTER SEVEN MONTHS. !!!

Post another thread about your boyfriend who wants to have kids with you after seven months and you'll be told he's nuts and love bombing etc and it's a red flag despite your ages. Bet you my mortgage

Either he can't do maths or he's planning a few years of fun with you before leaving to find someone with a young and buoyant womb. Sorry.

I would also point out that he's planning to start trying for his first child at 42/43 biological very possible but sleepless nights and running around with toddlers gets harder the older you get, being an older (involved) father is not easy either. This is why men who leave it late go for much younger women who have more energy.

Nobody is unreasonable for not wanting to crack on and have kids soon after only 7 months.

I agree with this @HeartsAndClubs but in that case, surely he should be setting his sights on someone with slightly more time on their side rather than expecting a woman in her mid-late thirties to wait until he's ready?

I had a similar conversation with a friend recently who asked me whether I wanted more children. When I replied no as I have done for the past 9 years and wish people would stop bloody asking , she said "but what if you meet the perfect man?" At which point I told her this fictitious man couldn't possibly be perfect for me if we clearly want different things. what people want out of life has to be part and parcel of whether we continue to move forward in a relationship with them. I wouldn't deliberately engage in a relationship with a man that I knew wanted children when I know that I personally don't want anymore. This situation really isn't that far off.

You have yourself a clueless idiot at best, or a future-faker at worst.

I genuinely feel for you OP. Hugs.

Also, OP never said that she wanted to knocked up by Christmas. Could be 2 years which is vastly different from 4-5 years

I think he’s probably thinking that yes he does want kids but you’ve only been together officially for 7 months. He probably wants to make sure you’re definitely going to work before having children together.

If he genuinely wants to focus on his career you need to think about how present he will be in their lives which will depend on his job.

Lots of women choose to wait until late 30s/early 40s to have children so they can get a good career and travel first but you do need to think of your biological clock.

I personally would not mention it but wait until we’d been officially together for 12 months and then have a proper conversation about it.

I’m interested in whether the PPs who are suggesting it’s far too soon to be pushing the kids issue are perhaps themselves a fair bit younger?
When you’re in your 20s / early 30s it feels like you’ve aeons of time left for kids. When you hit 35 it doesn’t (because you haven’t). Also whether the PPs who are saying not to sweat it perhaps are a bit younger but also already set up with their own kids? Easy to tell a childless woman not to rush getting pregnant when you’ve got your own kids.

@MuckyPlucky

I’m interested in whether the PPs who are suggesting it’s far too soon to be pushing the kids issue are perhaps themselves a fair bit younger? When you’re in your 20s / early 30s it feels like you’ve aeons of time left for kids. When you hit 35 it doesn’t (because you haven’t). Also whether the PPs who are saying not to sweat it perhaps are a bit younger but also already set up with their own kids? Easy to tell a childless woman not to rush getting pregnant when you’ve got your own kids.

Why does it matter, she’s only known him 7 months of course he doesn’t want to plan kids with her yet 🤦🏻

Well realistically if you were to split it would the at least 3 years to find someone and get to know them enough to have kids now, although, as a pp said I would be a bit worried that there's a bit of future faking going on.

I agree with @Mama1980 and @Heiferr, especially

I'm not saying any of this to be unkind BTW, just trying to point out that you must put yourself first. If you don't, you're jeopardising something you really want for someone that is happy enough to put their needs first while yours are on the back burner

You need to have the conversation, @WhatToDo11, and be very clear about your expectations. Don't let him future-fake! At the end of the day it's better to stay single, with or without children, instead of waiting years, hoping for HIM to decide while he continues to dangle the carrot of children right in front of you.

www.mumsnet.com/Talk/relationships/4392972-My-friend-has-basically-said-I-won-t-have-a-family?msgid=112213895#112213895

This might help op a thread from someone who is 36 yet being told the exact opposite of what everyone on here is saying, apparently she’s got plenty of time to start a family so there is no rush, I wonder why pp are saying the exact opposite on two identical threads!

It's tricky, you haven't known each other long.

This isn't just your problem or his, it's a joint problem and that's how you need to approach it.

"DP, we'd better have a chat about having a family. I know you aren't ready yet, and I agree, our relationship is still very new. You mentioned waiting 4 or 5 years while you focus on work. That is really risky for us, as it gets harder to get pregnant as we get older. Every year we wait the odds get worse and it could take a long time to conceive- or we might not manage it at all.

What shall we do?"

Going against the grain, I think he panicked in the moment. Give him some time to let that conversation sink in a bit and don't mention it for a while. In a couple of months, address it again and explain your timeline. You might find his is actually more in line with yours after all.

@TurnUpTurnip

www.mumsnet.com/Talk/relationships/4392972-My-friend-has-basically-said-I-won-t-have-a-family?msgid=112213895#112213895

This might help op a thread from someone who is 36 yet being told the exact opposite of what everyone on here is saying, apparently she’s got plenty of time to start a family so there is no rush, I wonder why pp are saying the exact opposite on two identical threads!

Interesting isn't it. MN can sometimes do that thing of rallying around an OP who's struggling, against whoever is perceived to have caused her hurt. So on that thread there's lots of stuff about "ooh isn't she a cow for saying that" and on this thread there's "ooh isn't he a bastard for saying that".