Don’t know what to make of what he’s said

[WhatToDo11]

Officially exclusive for 7 months, seeing each other for 10.

Right at the start we had a conversation about what we wanted. He’s 38 and I’m 36. Both said we wanted to settle down and family etc. We didn’t talk about specifics but I wanted to know we were on the same page and he said the same, before we got into anything more serious.

Anyway, last night we are driving back from the shops and we park outside and a child runs past the car very close. He said something about how his friend always says his child does that, then says he can’t wait for kids. This made me smile and I love him and it felt nice to hear him say that. I told him that it had made me smile and he said how many would you want, I said 3 probably but any would be nice. I then said with three though I’d want to crack on soon if that was the aim. He paused and said totally casually ‘yeah I would want to start that in four or five years time.’ This obviously took me by surprise. I told him so and said why would it be an aim to put it off for so long if we are in love and things are going well? He said he would consider 4 years but basically any shorter wouldn’t work for him as he’s still enjoying getting better at work. He pretty much shut down the conversation.

We had food in the car so we started to unpack it and went in to cook. I can’t get his comments out of my head. I really love him and honestly thought we’d go the distance but this has thrown me.

He cant seriously think you can rely on having that long.

If you're in love and talking about the future, you should be able to have a conversation with him about the fact that you can't wait that long, although I don't know how he can have not realised that. If he's still dithering after that, you have your answer.

I'm very sorry to say that a lot of men will string a woman along until it's too late for her, then leave and have kids with someone younger. It is shit but it is true. Don't let him. Better to be single than with someone who does that.

4 years is fine for him, but not exactly ideal for you!
Either he knows this and is lying about wanting kids and just saying it so you stay together, or he doesn't know it and needs telling.

Either way you need to sit down and restart the whole having kids conversation. Explain that waiting 4 years to even start trying is not an option for you. And what is his reluctance?

Of course you haven't been together that long, but time isn't on your side, at least not that amount of time. if you both feel completely in love and can't imagine your relationship ending, then he needs to man up and realise that he needs to adjust his priorities a little.
He he sticks firm to his timeline, and still reluctant, then unfortunately you need to consider if he is going to say the same thing in 4-5 years time. I mean, he can have kids when hes 70 if he wants to. Surely he realises its not the same for you?

You've only been going out for 7 months, just how soon were you imagining you'd have children?

How disappointing, sorry OP.

I think he’s well old enough to know whether or not he really wants to he a dad and if he did he wouldn’t be chucking around stuff like 4 years.

Have you discussed living together or marriage?

The reason men in their late 30s - 40s hold off having children , is because they want them with women in their mid 20s.

Unless he doesn’t know how old you are, this is not a man who is seriously thinking of having kids with you. If you want them then give it one serious conversation and then you have to move on.

Did you point out that women only have a certain window of opportunity to get pregnant unlike men?

It's not well known enough that older fathers are more likely to pass on chromosomal errors to kids or trigger pregnancies which end in miscarriage.

@BudgeSquare

You've only been going out for 7 months, just how soon were you imagining you'd have children?

I agree with this, surprised so many seem to think he should be rushing into having kids with someone he’s only been with 7 months and doesn’t live with

Are you living together yet? I think 4 years is realistic to move in together, get married, then conceive, so ttc in 3.5 years perhaps?

www.ncbi.nlm.nih.gov/pmc/articles/PMC2566050/

One thing I would say in his defence, sort of, is that a lot of men just aren't as aware of the biological clock as we are, I think they hear about older parents and IVF and just think, yeah science will sort it.

Well you might need another conversation about the limitation of women’s fertility.
And that hoping to have 3 kids when starting at 40yo is a-bit naive.

Having said, I suspect you need to get ready to either accept you might not have dcs or move in.

If it were me and when I was dating someone serious in my 30's - I told them the timelines around having kids (not that I've had any!) and a couple of men even admitted they knew female fertility declined at a certain age.

You need to point this out to him and say though you're happy with him and your relationship I'd point out the practicalities to him.

It's funny how men do this though - a friend of mine has been on the pill for a few years and recently come off it, her DP of a few years would like kids, but she seems nervous of having the kids conversation with him even though she'll be 42 soon. If it were me I'd bring up the conversation and I have done in the past. If they leave or get nervous then you know they're not the one for you.

I think you need to fully get in control of this sooner rather than later if you want children OP, for your futures sake. It sounds like he thinks everything should be on his terms, from the conversation right through to the timeline. For me personally, that alone would be a red flag, trying to raise a family with a man like that would be less than straightforward.

Ultimately, now you know where you both stand. If you're willing to give him the benefit of the doubt and decide that he needs biology broken down for him, do it sooner rather than later and make it clear to him that it's your dealbreaker. If he still refuses to budge, you move on or you accept. If you accept and you have fertility issues that don't come to light until later, you will resent him and your relationship is unlikely to survive.

I'm not saying any of this to be unkind BTW, just trying to point out that you must put yourself first. If you don't, you're jeopardising something you really want for someone that is happy enough to put their needs first while yours are on the back burner

@LoekMa

That was a roundabout way of saying he doesnt see himself having kids with YOU Im afraid

100% this! How inconsiderate of him! He is telling You who He really is and that he doesn’t see You in his life long term! Believe him! I mean at his age he surely must know you won’t be able to have 3 kids (or possibly not even one) starting at the age of 39?!

@Justtickingboxes

It's not well known enough that older fathers are more likely to pass on chromosomal errors to kids or trigger pregnancies which end in miscarriage.

Well that’s because as a general rule fertility is a woman’s issue, never a man. God forbid their sperm might not be as good as it should or could ^hmm]

I'm afraid this is the downside of meeting someone when you're older. He's not at all unreasonable for not wanting kids one or two years into a relationship. Maybe he's using the career thing as an exct rather than saying 'have kids together sooner than four years of being together, are you nuts?'

Talk to him.

Oh op what a horrid situation.
I'm afraid you need to sit down and talk to him very seriously. If you want children you have no time to wait I'm afraid. If you were both in your 20's fair enough but not your 30's, I have many friends who hung on and ended up childless as they bargained on being fertile at 40 and then couldn't conceive. I don't mean to be negative but
I think you need to decide if having children is deal breaker for you and spell it out for him - that if he wants children with you, you need to get started pretty quickly.

Absolutely this.

Hw knows fine well that by 41 your fertility would have declined significantly. He is telling you he does not want children with you. Sorry.

*meant to quote loekmas comment in that.

You don’t have four years and unfortunately you’re going to have to push this so he understands the way women’s fertility declines from 35 or you’re just going to have to walk away.

I completely agree with @LoekMa.

He has no plans to have children with you.

Believe him OP or deeply regret it.

It will be you that loses out.

Men that want to wait till their 40's are guys that really aren't that pushed about having children.

I'm sorry but he is a future faker and you will bitterly regret staying and wasting more time.

End it and move on.

I know that is painful, but believe me it will be less painful that 5 years from now knowing you stayed and things didn't work out.

You are not on the same book, not to mind page as him.

The fact you have only been together for 10 months gives him some leeway for what he said, however I agree with others who have said he can't expect you to wait that long given your age. Neither of you know if you have any fertility issues, I know some couples who have been trying for years even with fertility treatments.

You need to address this with him and see how that conversation goes. Hope you get it resolved with the best possible outcome. He probably has just assumed fertility will be ok on both your sides and has no idea about the biological clock.

I think what he’s saying is that he doesn’t want kids with YOU - he wants them in 4/5 years but with whoever he sees himself with then. I’m sorry if that sounds harsh but it’s better than having you waste your time on a future that isn’t going to happen.