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Relationships

Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Don’t know what to make of what he’s said

149 replies

WhatToDo11 · 04/11/2021 15:55

Officially exclusive for 7 months, seeing each other for 10.

Right at the start we had a conversation about what we wanted. He’s 38 and I’m 36. Both said we wanted to settle down and family etc. We didn’t talk about specifics but I wanted to know we were on the same page and he said the same, before we got into anything more serious.

Anyway, last night we are driving back from the shops and we park outside and a child runs past the car very close. He said something about how his friend always says his child does that, then says he can’t wait for kids. This made me smile and I love him and it felt nice to hear him say that. I told him that it had made me smile and he said how many would you want, I said 3 probably but any would be nice. I then said with three though I’d want to crack on soon if that was the aim. He paused and said totally casually ‘yeah I would want to start that in four or five years time.’ This obviously took me by surprise. I told him so and said why would it be an aim to put it off for so long if we are in love and things are going well? He said he would consider 4 years but basically any shorter wouldn’t work for him as he’s still enjoying getting better at work. He pretty much shut down the conversation. Confused

We had food in the car so we started to unpack it and went in to cook. I can’t get his comments out of my head. I really love him and honestly thought we’d go the distance but this has thrown me.

OP posts:
Dappled · 04/11/2021 17:42

I think he is either very ignorant/ill-informed about the basics of biology and pregnancy, or he is working to the "ideal" he has in his head about what he wants even though it doesn't fit with the reality of your situation - or he's just not committed to having children with you.

It might well be that he's simply not very well-informed or hasn't really thought through -
how long it potentially takes to conceive,
possible miscarriage(s)
then the time you carry a child,
then the recovery time after the first birth before you feel ready to try again (or the desire to leave a manageable age gap between two children)
then the time it takes to conceive the 2nd,
and go through the entire thing again
before you can try for a 3rd.

If you just wanted one child then waiting 4 years might be risky in terms of fertility, but it could work. But waiting 4 years and planning to have 3 children? To give enough time for 3 to be a realistic possibility you'd need to be cracking on with it by next year.

As an example of how things can pan out, and how it can all take longer than you expect -

My DH and me weren't 100% sure we wanted children until I was 35 and he was 41 (we met when I was 31, married when I was 32). We weren't able to try to conceive immediately due to work travel commitments abroad. We started trying when I was 36, luckily I got pregnant in the first month (you certainly can't assume it will be immediate /quick at any time, but especially not in your late 30's). So I was 37 when I had our first child. I had a difficult birth which caused lots of pelvic joint issues and meant walking and mobility was very difficult for many months. So we didn't start trying for the 2nd as early as I'd imagined we would. I conceived after 4 months but had a miscarriage. Luckily I conceived again very quickly and had my 2nd child aged 40. I developed a dangerous medical condition during pregnancy which made it stressful, but thankfully all turned out well and it was a much easier birth and recovery 2nd time around. We quite wanted a third child, but were aware we were very much running out of time and undecided about whether we were too old to be doing it again, So we just stopped "trying not to" to see if anything would happen. I did get pregnant again, within a few months, but I had an early miscarriage and so, at age 42, because of the miscarriages and my pregnancy/post-birth health issues and our ages, we decided that our baby-having days were done.

Whether it's taking longer to conceive than you hope/having miscarriages/post birth health issues, even if all goes well, the whole process is longer than the 9 months I imagine he has in his head.

I think you need to have a frank chat with him where you discuss the amount of time you realistically have.

HollowTalk · 04/11/2021 17:43

Officially exclusive for 7 months, seeing each other for 10.

What does that mean, exactly?

HollowTalk · 04/11/2021 17:43

10 months?

Genevie82 · 04/11/2021 17:44

Hi OP,
I have to say I agree with HeartsAndClubs post… it’s only been 7 months which is still pretty early days but at your age understandably brings the issue of having a family more sharply into focus for you. It feels really emotive for you in a way that it just wouldn’t for him. Don’t do anything like end your relationship with this man that you really have sincere feelings for as he’s not being unreasonable either- you’ve got to meet in the middle that’s all and that will take lots of talking on your part! If he’s really in love with you he will compromise .. 4 years is too long in your mid 30s to wait, 2 1/2 is realistic and lots and lots of women have babies at 38 years onwards and it’s fine 😀 remember you want to have had lots of fun times as a couple too and a very strong foundation as that is what will see you through the really tough tiring times when you have small kids and not much time for each other anymore. A lot of men would be put off by this chat 7 months in, I’m amazed he’s even talked about having kids at all ! So he must have some understanding that you can’t be messing about given your age …go back and explore the 4 years and see what his reaction is, if he’s more open minded then what you should really be talking about is moving in together .. Tbh women tend to take the lead on all this stuff anyway, I’m not shocked he’s come out with this classic man line .. xxx

Heiferr · 04/11/2021 17:44

@TurnUpTurnip

www.mumsnet.com/Talk/relationships/4392972-My-friend-has-basically-said-I-won-t-have-a-family?msgid=112213895#112213895

This might help op a thread from someone who is 36 yet being told the exact opposite of what everyone on here is saying, apparently she’s got plenty of time to start a family so there is no rush, I wonder why pp are saying the exact opposite on two identical threads!

The scenarios in these two threads are not quite the same though. OP in the other thread might meet someone tomorrow who wants the same things as her at the same time as her. This issue in this thread is that OP is already in a relationship but they want things at different times and it's only OP that is potentially disadvantaged by this, not her partner.
Dery · 04/11/2021 17:45

"It's tricky, you haven't known each other long.

This isn't just your problem or his, it's a joint problem and that's how you need to approach it.

"DP, we'd better have a chat about having a family. I know you aren't ready yet, and I agree, our relationship is still very new. You mentioned waiting 4 or 5 years while you focus on work. That is really risky for us, as it gets harder to get pregnant as we get older. Every year we wait the odds get worse and it could take a long time to conceive- or we might not manage it at all.

What shall we do?""

@picklemewalnuts has nailed it. This seems like a very sensible approach.

TravelLost · 04/11/2021 17:48

@TurnUpTurnip

www.mumsnet.com/Talk/relationships/4392972-My-friend-has-basically-said-I-won-t-have-a-family?msgid=112213895#112213895

This might help op a thread from someone who is 36 yet being told the exact opposite of what everyone on here is saying, apparently she’s got plenty of time to start a family so there is no rush, I wonder why pp are saying the exact opposite on two identical threads!

I m not sure it’s that tricky. If the OP starts about now then she has 4 years in front if her (before hitting those famous 40yo) so yes has plenty of time in front if her. If she starts in 4 years time when she is 40, then it’s a different ball park.

Maybe that’s because I’m often in contact with women who want to be pregnant but there is something to be said about the fact it’s easier to get pregnant when you are 20yo than 30 than 40…

People who say it’s absolutely fine to be pregnant at 40yo are right. It’s possible. It’s ok. It’s just not as easy as….

todaysdilemma · 04/11/2021 17:55

OP, with the other thread you'll note that all the women are suggesting it is possible to have a family at 35+ IF you meet someone who wants kids in the same time frame. There's plenty of examples in real life and with people in the news of men who've had no issue doing that within a year. It's a very odd concept that you somehow know someone better 3 years in than 1 year in. Who decides what the right amount of time is to get to know someone? There is obv no scientific formula.

Key take away is - yes, 35+ is tricky territory for fertility. However, you need to look for someone who loves you enough, and wants a family with you on the same time scales as you. Don't waste time on someone who doesn't.

TurnUpTurnip · 04/11/2021 18:01

There’s no difference, the guy is saying he wants kids just not with someone he’s only been with for 7 months, the other op isn’t even in a relationship, she might not meet someone but people are still giving her hope so why so negative on this thread!

Mymilk · 04/11/2021 18:04

Threads like this always baffle me. So many people saying dump him and find someone else. So OP has to somehow find someone entirely new that she likes/knows well enough to have a baby with, presumably have two weeks of dating to fit in with the required timescale, then what, jump in to trying for a baby right away? And that's if she even can find "the right person". I was single for 4 years before my current partner!

No wonder there are so many single mums if this is the way people are doing things 🙄 You can't possibly know somebody well enough to make such a life changing decision as having a child with them within such a short time! Insanity.

billy1966 · 04/11/2021 18:04

It's not about him not wanting children at 7 months.

It's about him saying he has no interest in children for another 4 or 5 years as his career is his priority.

That's fine, for him.

But not for the OP.

He has told her how he feels.

She should believe him.

2bazookas · 04/11/2021 18:05

I think he was trying to let you know in a very clumsy way that when he has children it will be far in the future and with someone else. Not you.

At least you know in good time to dump him and start again. It would be worse if he strung you along to the very end of your fertile years.

TurnUpTurnip · 04/11/2021 18:08

@Mymilk

Threads like this always baffle me. So many people saying dump him and find someone else. So OP has to somehow find someone entirely new that she likes/knows well enough to have a baby with, presumably have two weeks of dating to fit in with the required timescale, then what, jump in to trying for a baby right away? And that's if she even can find "the right person". I was single for 4 years before my current partner!

No wonder there are so many single mums if this is the way people are doing things 🙄 You can't possibly know somebody well enough to make such a life changing decision as having a child with them within such a short time! Insanity.

Especially considering they are telling another poster on a different thread whose a year older that she’s got plenty of time and there’s no rush and she’s single but apparently that makes it better 😕
cabingirl · 04/11/2021 18:18

@2bazookas

I think he was trying to let you know in a very clumsy way that when he has children it will be far in the future and with someone else. Not you.

At least you know in good time to dump him and start again. It would be worse if he strung you along to the very end of your fertile years.

I don't think it always means that. Sometimes men (and women) are enjoying the status quo so much they don't feel any need to change and don't realise the other person has different expectations.

I had this with my DH when we had been dating for about a year, long-distance - it was very romantic and exciting but like the OP I knew that I wanted kids and time was potentially an issue.

I asked him one day how long he imagined we'd keep doing to the long distance thing and he said "a couple of years probably"

I remember being really shocked and at the time just said something like "Oh"

I had a big think and decided that as much fun as we were having if it didn't move onto the next stage of a committed relationship then I was going to have to cut my losses and move on to find someone who did want to start a family etc.

So I set a deadline for myself which was one year. And then I told him - (not in an ultimatum way although technically it was) that I loved our current arrangement and him and was enjoying our relationship but that I was going to be moving on at the end of the year if things hadn't changed. I stressed that I wouldn't be angry or bitter or blame him if he didn't feel the same way etc etc.

He proposed two weeks before the end of the year. But I had seen subtle shifts towards that about five months earlier so I wasn't getting too worried about my deadline. BUT I was committed to following through.

BrilliantBetty · 04/11/2021 18:20

Fair enough that he wants to wait.
Hopefully he has looked in to the risks attached to being an older father.

But if it is not going to work for you, it's not going to work. Might as well keep your options open - he clearly is.

Pumpkinsonparade · 04/11/2021 18:21

We discussed it within a few weeks tbh!! Dh was then 31 to my 41!!
Not when exactly but in principle..
Ttc after a year together..

chocolateorangeinhaler · 04/11/2021 18:24

You haven't even known each other a year yet and you want kids with him? Sorry but you don't know each other yet. He is being honest with you. It's a massive commitment bringing kids into the world and thank god he hasn't gone along with it to keep you happy.
Walk away. It won't end well forcing him. Imagine the outcry if a man was forcing a woman to get pregnant with his child after 10 months of knowing her and she didn't want to be pregnant. If you can't respect his wishes this relationship isn't for you.

Justmuddlingalong · 04/11/2021 18:34

I think neither of you are wrong in feeling how you do. He's thinking of what he wants and when. As are you. Just because your future plans don't match, it isn't a case of who's right and who's wrong. Now you know your expectations don't tally, only you can decide if it's worth carrying on with the relationship.

reader12 · 04/11/2021 19:12

Don’t let him steal your future OP. I know a women this happened to, she was strung along until her late 30s and then dumped. It’s very cruel. If he’s serious about you, he’ll want to have this conversation for real. If he tried to avoid the subject or won’t talk about seriously, he’s just messing you around.

reader12 · 04/11/2021 19:13

Another friend met a man when she was 35 & within a year they were married & she was pregnant. If she’s right for you he’ll understand you don’t have time to waste.

reader12 · 04/11/2021 19:13

He not she sorry!

coodawoodashooda · 04/11/2021 19:16

@thefourgp

“I can’t wait for kids” “I want to wait 4-5 years for kids”. These two statements he’s made can’t both be true so he’s not being truthful with you.

I’d be wary of a man his age fake futuring you because he views you as his Mrs right now and in a few years when you push the issue, he’ll break up with you and you’ll be back at square one except you’ll be older and possibly less fertile.

You need to have a really open and honest conversation about this with him.

Exactly this.
Movinghouseatlast · 04/11/2021 19:22

This is so difficult. If you split up now you will need to get over it ( 6 months?), meet someone else then wait another year before trying. So you'd be 37. I'm not sure how much fertility declines between 37 and 39.

I think you need an honest conversation with him, you need to know exactly where you stand then make a decision.

I have 2 friends who had the same thing. One went it alone and had IVF ( at 42 though) as the boyfriend wanted to wait a couple of years.

One ( age 34 but but her boyfriend was 52 at the time) decided she loved her boyfriend more than she wanted a baby and has decided to not have kids. This was 3 years ago and she is still happy with her choice.

todaysdilemma · 04/11/2021 19:38

@TurnUpTurnip

There’s no difference, the guy is saying he wants kids just not with someone he’s only been with for 7 months, the other op isn’t even in a relationship, she might not meet someone but people are still giving her hope so why so negative on this thread!
Sorry, did you not read the part of her OP where he said even if they were happy and settled later on, he still wouldn't consider it at less than 4 years!

Do people not read nuance? She isn't asking to have kids now and he isn't saying that he's not ready now. She's asking when's the soonest he'll want to do it and he's said 4 years. So not 18 months or 2 years but 4.

Does no one find it bizarre why he's uncompromising on 4 years? Why not 2 or 3? What additional info do people learn about compatibility in an extra 1-2 years?

TurnUpTurnip · 04/11/2021 19:41

Yet on the other post people are telling the op she has years a head of her to have kids! And that she still has a good 5/6/7 years to have kids 🤷‍♀️