Don’t know what to make of what he’s said

[WhatToDo11]

Officially exclusive for 7 months, seeing each other for 10.

Right at the start we had a conversation about what we wanted. He’s 38 and I’m 36. Both said we wanted to settle down and family etc. We didn’t talk about specifics but I wanted to know we were on the same page and he said the same, before we got into anything more serious.

Anyway, last night we are driving back from the shops and we park outside and a child runs past the car very close. He said something about how his friend always says his child does that, then says he can’t wait for kids. This made me smile and I love him and it felt nice to hear him say that. I told him that it had made me smile and he said how many would you want, I said 3 probably but any would be nice. I then said with three though I’d want to crack on soon if that was the aim. He paused and said totally casually ‘yeah I would want to start that in four or five years time.’ This obviously took me by surprise. I told him so and said why would it be an aim to put it off for so long if we are in love and things are going well? He said he would consider 4 years but basically any shorter wouldn’t work for him as he’s still enjoying getting better at work. He pretty much shut down the conversation.

We had food in the car so we started to unpack it and went in to cook. I can’t get his comments out of my head. I really love him and honestly thought we’d go the distance but this has thrown me.

Don't waste any more time with him OP. For all the reasons above. You have time to meet someone else. At the very least you have to set boundaries and he can decide to change his plans if he sees he has lost you.

I have known men his age tslk like this and what they mean is they aren't going to be responsible grown ups anytime soon

I was 31 when I met my husband and we moved in together after 6 months and I felt st that age that was fairly quick but also totally normal in a serious relationship.

Your partner wants to massively defer settling down even though he is well past the age most people do that.

Please don't wait and waste more time on him

I think he's a future faker and you're wasting your time.
Don't fall for it. It's quite common, so be very careful.

My brother met his wife, they conceived and then married all within 6 months. There's no need to wait when you know it's right- it's not like you are young and silly and don't know who you are.

He said women worry too much about when they have kids

Do you want to have kids with someone this stupid?

You need to explain the risks of waiting. A couple aged 40 have about a 38% chance of falling pregnant at the end of a year of actively trying. That doesn't sound so bad, but a woman aged 40 has a 50% chance of miscarrying. If her partner is also 40 or over, the odds ratio of miscarriage is 1.6 meaning a 60% extra chance on top of the 50%, so around 80%.

This means that if 100 couples tried for a year, roughly 38 would end up pregnant but only 7 or 8 will end up with a baby, and the odds decrease year on year.

The odds won't be on your side if you wait. If after explaining the maths he still wants to wait, then I would move on, thinking about doing it alone if it's something you really want.

At the very least, look at freezing your eggs ASAP.

Move on now he's stringing you along, he knows that it'd be much harder for you then, he has no intention of having them.

I think he has made it clear now that he is not the straight forward, loving man you thought he was. He’s someone willing to dissemble and delay and string you along. He isn’t that person you need him to be, that person you believed him to be.

Sorry OP.

OP,

Please believe what he has said.

He's really not that into you and he hasn't a notion of settling down.

You are wasting your time.

Do it at your peril.

He's not pushed about children.

Fair enough, that's his decision, but you will be very foolish not to believe him.

@QuestionNumberOne

I think he has made it clear now that he is not the straight forward, loving man you thought he was. He’s someone willing to dissemble and delay and string you along. He isn’t that person you need him to be, that person you believed him to be.

Sorry OP.

This - absolutely this.

I'm going to be brutally honest, @WhatToDo11. You are the 'she'll do for now' girlfriend. Even if he is stupid enough to believe that delaying having children for another 4-5 years is likely to work....... the fact is that he is not making you feel loved and secure. He doesn't have your back, he is only interested in his agenda.

You know whst you need to do........ Sorry

Yes let him go - he shut you down when you tried to discuss it with him.
He didn’t want your views about this.
He doesn’t care you may never have children if you stay with him.
I wouldn’t waste a further day with him.
Easier said than done I’m sure.

You 100% are "she'll do for now" girlfriend.

What's worse is he knows well that you would like a family but is prepared to waste your time to suit himself.

I don't think you know him at all.

But it has been spelt out clearly to you now so you can't say you weren't warned.

A bit wary? Bloody great klaxons should be going off! 3-4 years is no good and I say that as someone who met DH at 37 and had DS's at 41 & 43. At his age he knows. He probably does. Just not with you. He doesn't feel the same way about you so bin and move on before you're another one of those women on here broken hearted when he has a baby with 25yo 3 months after you break up.

I'd tell him that you can't risk waiting to have kids.
Id stay with him, but in parallel go ahead and make plans to have kids by donor - Eg to start trying in a year or so, if there's no progress with him.
The donor process can take months before you get to the transfer stage (health checks, egg retrieval, choosing donor etc). So I'd get all that part done, so you're ready for transfer immediately when you decide. Also frozen embryos have much better success rate than frozen eggs. (I've twins by donor).

100 per cent time-waster.

So now it's just a case of how much time you want to waste.

You could give it another 6 months or 12 months but it will be the same conversation and outcome
I’ve been there and done that
Now I’ve ended that relationship, I’m going to put my all into dating
The right guy will put you first and make it happen

RUN.

Not only is he dismissive of your worries "he thinks women worry too much about fertility/children", he is utterly self absorbed. Is this really the sort of man you want to raise kids with?!

Being at the highest level and highest salary and still not feeling anywhere close to ready, should evidence that he will never feel ready to have kids. It's a nice idea, not something he really wants in his life. And keep delaying it till he's 50, a bit bored and then will find a 30 year old.

He strikes me as being uncompromising and set in his ways. Not great for a dad tbh. The fact he's negotiating time lines instead of saying, "if we are happy and settled and think this is permanent I'd be happy to crack on with it".

He isn't going to give you what you want. I'm sorry.

Honestly I don't think he sees you as the mother of his children.

He is complacent (wrongly, just ask Rhod Gilbert) about his chances of being a father whenever he decides he's ready. The woman that bears them will be ten years younger or so.

He's 38 now and wants to start trying for 3 children in 4/5 years time? Is he praying for triplets? If he's 42 when you have the first and say 46 by the time you have the third, that will make him 64 by the time the youngest child is 18. If they go to uni he'll be 67 by the time they start thinking about leaving home. Is that really what he wants or has he just not thought it through?

I understand time may not be on OPs side but I also don't think 4 years is a particularly long time before having children with someone, although it'll be more likely 5 if you've already been together less than a year.
Surely a lot of that time is getting to know someone properly and ensuring you're choosing a good partner and good father for your children.
I understand time may be running out but still, is it wise to be wanting children in the next year or so with somebody you haven't been with that long?
I'm sorry OP it's a difficult situation for you and I wish you all the best in whatever you decide.

@user1471604848

I'd tell him that you can't risk waiting to have kids. Id stay with him, but in parallel go ahead and make plans to have kids by donor - Eg to start trying in a year or so, if there's no progress with him. The donor process can take months before you get to the transfer stage (health checks, egg retrieval, choosing donor etc). So I'd get all that part done, so you're ready for transfer immediately when you decide. Also frozen embryos have much better success rate than frozen eggs. (I've twins by donor).

@user1471604848

Really sensible advice (back up plan)!

The only thing is (I did IVF too) she'd have to tell him as it's impossible to hide the medication you're taking/also not drinking etc... I wonder how this would go down in reality with her partner?

Men do not really understand that these things take time. I would let some time pass, and then I would have the same conversation, but explaining that normally it takes around 6 months to get pregnant, and if not, you will need to seek advice, consultations etc. If he is still persisting, then you should have a talk about where your relationship is going.

You have only been together 10 mths. It is far far too early. He is waiting and he is right to do so.

With kindness OP, what is yr financial position ? Can you house any children you may have within a yr? What are your maternity benefits? Can you (and possibly Dad) support your mortgage and all associated household bills if you take time off for a baby? Have you also factored in childcare costs when you return to work?

After a few (10 ) mths are you sure you really want to spend the rest of yr lives together and start having children? That is really a very short time to know someone. He clearly does not feel he is in that place right now or, in a financial position yet

to support a child or be in a lifelong relationship commitment. I agree with him .

If, you yourself are financially secure and can afford a child, donor may be yr way forward, if you are in a hurry . He has made it clear he wants to wait and he has the benefit of time on his side. He clearly feels he is not in a place in his career yet , where he can afford children . By default he then also does not have the time yet for child rearing as he is career focused. He clearly has a 4-5 yr life plan. You need to look at your own life plan and if they do not match you need to decide if the relationship is feasible moving forward . It may be that he is not not in the same financial or emotional position as you and he is 4-5yrs behind you.

He has told you his position, i would respect that. Piling on any pressure or making demands is not right here. Respect his choices ,as you would wish he respect yours.

Does he think that men who become fathers put their careers on hold?

So sorry OP he's stringing you along.

By the time I met my now DH I was utterly sick of men future faking me, I flat out said I'm in this for marriage in the next 18 months, if you don't want to get married then off you fuck.

I'd be calming down if I were you, you've only been seeing one another for 7 months.