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Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Original poster

Need to not message him

400 replies

toastedsandwiches · 04/11/2021 08:07

My DP and I split up yesterday. I'm utterly and totally head over heels for him.
We've been together a year and get on so well. We've had some us and downs.
We've both been massively hurt in the past by other people and can be defensive because of this.
It took a lot for me to let my guard down and throw myself into the relationship, but I did.

We had plans and stuff to look forward to. We talked about living together and getting married down the line. He made me feel loved, and happy and smile. I laughed till I cried. I felt special and content. He gave me support and listened.
I supported him, I gave him my time and we were having an amazing time.
So much in common and couldn't bared to be apart.

Then I got tonsillitis, I went to bed the day before yesterday in the afternoon. I saw a notification on my phone he posted something on Facebook- a joke - aimed at me - nothing nasty - I responded.
He called me an hour later saying he was on the way around. He was livid - I hadn't replied to his text he sent at the same time as the Facebook post.

I hadn't seen the text.

He's broken up with me over it.

OP posts:
Peach01 · 05/11/2021 00:19

Just remember he's done this to you because you answered a Facebook message he sent but not a text (sent at the same time). From an outside perspective it's ridiculous.

Original poster
toastedsandwiches · 05/11/2021 00:22

@Dery I have just read the reviews and so many people said they were in tears with it.
I can't cope with more crying at the moment. I feel utterly wretched and ridiculous over this.

I'm not sure I can cope.

I know I must get through this. But I can't think past the next 5 minutes. The future looks so bleak.

I do know I'll be alright eventually.

I have been through so much just recently alongside this. He's been so supportive of me and everything that's going on too. I know not probably with my interests at heart, but I'm bereft.

OP posts:
Original poster
toastedsandwiches · 05/11/2021 00:25

@Peach01

Just remember he's done this to you because you answered a Facebook message he sent but not a text (sent at the same time). From an outside perspective it's ridiculous.
From my perspective it's utterly ridiculous too. So ridiculous it's actually making me feel like I'm going mad. It's the same feeling I got when my ex before him was gaslighting me.

I had snippets from it from him too.
My mind ticking 'But that's not right?' Over and over, like a big spinning top in my head.

OP posts:
SortingItOut · 05/11/2021 06:42

I hope you managed to get back to sleep.
I think him leaving his car on your drive still is another head fuck - its a constant reminder of him and means you'll be on edge wondering when he'll come back for it - classic abuser tactics.

SortingItOut · 05/11/2021 06:43

Why didn't he take his car when he dropped your stuff off?

beastlyslumber · 05/11/2021 06:45

Read the links people have given you OP. This gets easier but you have to see it for what it is first. This man is not who you think he is. You've been scammed. Once you understand that, you can take back control.

Original poster
toastedsandwiches · 05/11/2021 06:51

@SortingItOut

Why didn't he take his car when he dropped your stuff off?
Because he was in his other car.
OP posts:
WickedWitchOfTheTrent · 05/11/2021 07:12

Hope you managed some sleep and are feeling a bit better today o

PrincessButtercupp · 05/11/2021 07:40

@toastedsandwiches I'm in exactly the same position as you and on day 3 too. Do you want to private message?

Original poster
toastedsandwiches · 05/11/2021 07:40

@WickedWitchOfTheTrent

Hope you managed some sleep and are feeling a bit better today o
Thank you, not really. I feel exhausted and hurt.

Back to work today to try to get some semblance on normalcy in my life. I just hope I can hold it together and no one asks me anything that sets me off.

OP posts:
Original poster
toastedsandwiches · 05/11/2021 07:58

[quote PrincessButtercupp]@toastedsandwiches I'm in exactly the same position as you and on day 3 too. Do you want to private message? [/quote]
PM'd you

OP posts:
Original poster
toastedsandwiches · 05/11/2021 09:31

What do you think the chances are that he's blocked me - I am really wanting to message him but him not to see it so can express how I'm feeling.
I'm feeling really shaky and on the edge of tears.

OP posts:
kikipie · 05/11/2021 09:34

I’d write an email but not send it. Just getting it down in words might help, but don’t take a chance on him having blocked you

Verfremdungseffekt · 05/11/2021 09:37

@toastedsandwiches

What do you think the chances are that he's blocked me - I am really wanting to message him but him not to see it so can express how I'm feeling. I'm feeling really shaky and on the edge of tears.
Email and don’t send? Write a letter and don’t post it? I think you’d be better off not thinking in terms of expressing yourself to him, and finding a good therapist and a safe space in which to explore your own feelings about all this.
SortingItOut · 05/11/2021 09:39

Can you write it in notes on your phone?

Are you actually wanting to do this in the hope he sees it, apologises and comes back?

Nothing good will ever come of you pouring your heart out to him (whether he sees it or not). You will regret it and feel worse than you do now.

SortingItOut · 05/11/2021 09:40

As you're still in shock I suggest a day of self care/love, anything to distract yourself from thinking about him.

It's fine to grieve but you also need to look after yourself.

beastlyslumber · 05/11/2021 09:48

You've been given some excellent advice on this thread. Why don't you take some of it? Lots of women have been where you are and are telling you how to get through this.

KirstenBlest · 05/11/2021 09:49

Get a piece of paper and write him a letter by hand. After you have written it, put it in a drawer and leave it there.

Do not e-mail him or contact him at all. Do not feed his ego.

You can read the letter at any time and in time you will think 'thank god I didn't send it'

Leave him well alone

CousinKrispy · 05/11/2021 09:57

Poor OP, so sorry you are going through this.

Many of us have been there too. The highs are very intense and you feel so loved and like you have found someone perfect for you. But other posters are right--this is not actually "good," it's a part of the unhealthy dynamic of the relationship. A healthy loving relationship doesn't need to be over-the-top intense, and it certainly doesn't have controlling bullshit cropping up again and again. But it's hard to get your brain around it.

Have you ever done any therapy to discuss why you are drawn to this type of relationship, and how to prepare yourself for healthier relationships? I'd recommend looking into individual counselling from Relate or anywhere else--the important thing is finding a therapist you click with, as some will be a good fit for you and some won't. But you may find it helps tremendously and can help you be less vulnerable to this type of relationship and the pain it inevitably brings.

My prediction is that he will come back and try to tug on your heartstrings about "everything we had together" "don't throw this away" "I miss you so much" etc etc. It's all part of the game and I hope you'll be able to avoid getting sucked back in by it.

Here's one more thought. I honestly believe some people pull this shit not because they are consciously deciding to be horrific abusers (though make no mistake, this is abuse). I think some people are just acting instinctively, whether it's because of a mental health/personality disorder issue, unresolved childhood trauma, whatever--they just don't have the tools in their emotional toolbox to do better yet. In other words, if it doesn't feel right to label him as an "evil person," that may not be necessary. He may just be a person who doesn't have the skills for a healthy relationship yet, and if he's already in his 40s, is unlikely to learn them.

What is necessary is not getting sucked back in to the relationship with him. You can think "He's not a bad person, but he's not good for me and I deserve better" if that makes it easier for you (though if it's actually easier for you to think "He is the devil incarnate and I can see that now," then, hey, go ahead with whatever works! it may be right...). The essential part is that you deserve better and need to take care of yourself so you are able to have better.

Henry9th · 05/11/2021 09:59

I’m in the same boat. It’s been a week and 2 days. And a week since he deleted my number and blocked me.

I think he’s unblocked me but he hasn’t added my number back :(

I would do anything to make amends.

Original poster
toastedsandwiches · 05/11/2021 10:06

@Henry9th pm if you like. We can get through this x

OP posts:
Henry9th · 05/11/2021 10:08

@toastedsandwiches how do you make plans with him collecting his stuff if he’s blocked / no contact?

I’m waiting patiently for him to return my things. He knows I need them ASAP but he literally crosses the road and hides away to avoid me. It’s a sad situation

He dumped me because he has depression and feels like he isn’t worthy of my time / love.

Of course he is. He’s amazing

Henry9th · 05/11/2021 10:08

@toastedsandwiches great idea! Thank you x

Verfremdungseffekt · 05/11/2021 10:14

@toastedsandwiches! While I absolutely sympathise with @Henry9th’s pain, I’m not sure that regular contact with someone who is dying to be taken back by a man who has dumped her is the best idea for you in your circumstances.

beastlyslumber · 05/11/2021 10:25

[quote Verfremdungseffekt]**@toastedsandwiches! While I absolutely sympathise with @Henry9th’s pain, I’m not sure that regular contact with someone who is dying to be taken back by a man who has dumped her is the best idea for you in your circumstances.[/quote]
Some people are determined to learn the hard way. I know I was one of them. Hard to watch other women making the same mistakes.