Need to not message him

[toastedsandwiches]

My DP and I split up yesterday. I'm utterly and totally head over heels for him.
We've been together a year and get on so well. We've had some us and downs.
We've both been massively hurt in the past by other people and can be defensive because of this.
It took a lot for me to let my guard down and throw myself into the relationship, but I did.

We had plans and stuff to look forward to. We talked about living together and getting married down the line. He made me feel loved, and happy and smile. I laughed till I cried. I felt special and content. He gave me support and listened.
I supported him, I gave him my time and we were having an amazing time.
So much in common and couldn't bared to be apart.

Then I got tonsillitis, I went to bed the day before yesterday in the afternoon. I saw a notification on my phone he posted something on Facebook- a joke - aimed at me - nothing nasty - I responded.
He called me an hour later saying he was on the way around. He was livid - I hadn't replied to his text he sent at the same time as the Facebook post.

I hadn't seen the text.

He's broken up with me over it.

@beastlyslumber

You've been given some excellent advice on this thread. Why don't you take some of it? Lots of women have been where you are and are telling you how to get through this.

I am trying. I am reading all information that has been sent my way. I have read up on shark cages and limerence. I am avoiding music as it can be triggering, I won't drink alcohol is case I do something stupid. I am working through a minute at a time.

I feel shaky and like vomiting. I want to scream in his face and hold him. I am trying to keep everything together.

I know he'd hurt me more.

But

At the moment my heart is breaking. I'm irrational and emotional.

I hadn't seen the text.

He's broken up with me over it.

Dodged a bullet there, @toastedsandwiches

Give yourself time to grieve then start living your best life ever.

Let your heart break.
Feel the pain, and when you are ready contact a therapist.

Anything is better than a moment more in this toxic 'relationship'.

You are so lucky this happened, he's given you a chance to get away from him.

Honestly, I'm in my 40s and single, I've had my heart broken for the first time this year and I understand. But I would rather go through this pain than to lose myself - which is what would happen if you contacted him - he was on his way to imprisoning you, he would have completely broken you if you stayed.

At the moment my heart is breaking. I'm irrational and emotional.

& yet you still went to work? - brilliant.

Irrational & emotional is ok too. It is perfectly normal & acceptable to be feeling this way OP. Remember yesterday's messages about your heart needing time to catch up with your head.

Your Ex ditched you because you didn't answer a text message sent at the same time he sent a facebook message. You KNOW how mad, unreasonable, demanding & shudderingly sinister that is.
If you had continued with this man, you would no longer have your own life. You would be reporting in to him from the supermarket, the gym, hairdresser, coffee with a friend. Until he stops allowing you to have friends. Until he stops allowing you out without his express permission.

There was a poster here a year or so back whose husband often worked abroad. He would send her a spreadsheet detailing the housework requirements, expect her to complete it, & send him before & after pics of each room. He'd then inspect when he returned. Even while he was abroad, he made her account for her time. She had to keep a log of where she had been, & tally it with the Ring doorbell footage to prove she hadn't taken too long. She had no friends, because he didn't allow her to have friends round, or enough time to go out & visit them.

Your man sounds like that man.
You have escaped a fucking nightmare.
You should be proud that you are recognising how dysfunctional your relationship was, that you've had the sense & strength to post about it here.
That sense & strength will get you through. You may not feel either of those things right now, but that doesn't change the fact. You are just reeling from shock, adrenaline, cortisol, & all sorts of horrible chemical brain changes while your heart catches up.

Think of it as a detox, like a heroin withdrawal - we've all seen movies, it's engrained in popular culture how hard a process cold turkey is - you are going cold turkey. It will hurt. One minute at a time may be all you can hang onto for a couple of days.
But the weekend is coming, you can cosy up with Netflix or a novel, comfy PJ's, a cushion to hug if you don't have a pet, a hot water bottle, comforting drinks (you are wise about no alcohol right now), comfort food, snacks ... & on Monday, a lot of the posion will have leaked away.

None of us can tell you how much it will hurt or how long it will take.
But you are free of the world of pain that man would have inflicted on you.

[cake[

https://freedomprogramme.co.uk

Lundy Bancroft

@toastedsandwiches

What do you think the chances are that he's blocked me - I am really wanting to message him but him not to see it so can express how I'm feeling. I'm feeling really shaky and on the edge of tears.

Write it in a email (and DONT SEND) or write it here, or a diary.

The moment you press send you will regret it.

Write it out, use a pen & note book as it will fill your time too. Let it all spew out & write & write whenever you feel you are struggling. It's a release & very useful to look back on & help you to put your head straight again

I'm not going to but I want to text right now

Are you ok?

Because if he says yes or does reply he never cared.

That might help? 🤷🏼‍♀️

*doesn't reply

But that tells him he has got exactly what he wants if you text that. You wondering about HIS feelings.

Fuck his feelings.
Block him so you are not tempted to message.

And you know the answer to your question already. You know it. You don't want to, but you do.

This is what helped me get better after removing from my life a similarly manipulative, gaslighting man:

-therapy

-replacing heartbreak and pining with some righteous anger. I stopped idealising and instead I allowed myself to feel angry at him. I made a list of all the instances I could remember where he had treated me like shit. I couldn't believe how long it came out! Every time I wavered and felt pangs of longing, like maybe he was indeed my soulmate, I did something wrong and so on, I would re-read and say to myself: "wtf this is horrible, he was a villain!" People always say you shouldn't villainise your exes or be angry at them, maybe they are good people, just not for you etc. but this advice does not apply to situations where there's been abuse and manipulation. I've had "normal" breakups in my life and I know the difference! I didn't really start healing until I could stop blaming myself and start seeing him as a bad guy.

-spending a lot of time with friends and other people who could drag me out of my own head and force me to live in the present. I was miserable in the beginning, not good company at all, but my friends were amazing, and not allowing me to sit in the dark alone ruminating was Massively helpful.

-reading about similar experiences from others made me understand that this kind of behaviour is a pattern in the people who do it and they can't be "talked" or "loved" out of it.

Don't text him. It won't help. It'll just make you feel worse and he'll feel better knowing that you're pining after him. He'll think he can have you whenever he wants you, and he'll smile, and feel contempt.

You realise he's not sitting around thinking about you, right? He'll have other women lined up. Maybe hoovering the woman before you, or love bombing another, or maybe both at once. You're not a real person to him, just a source of whatever he needs, whenever he needs it. Right now he doesn't need anything from you except that you feel desperate for him. He'll use the time away from you to work on his other sources. Then when he needs to punish or get another woman under control, or when he can't get someone else to fall for his bs, maybe he'll come back to you, thinking you'll be dying to hear from him, and ready to do whatever he wants to keep him happy.

I'm sorry, I'm not trying to hurt you. But this is what these people do, and yours is a textbook case.

God no, don’t contact him.

The trouble with contacting him is the minute you do you'll regret is

If he doesn't respond - he doesn't care
If he responds nicely - you'll kick yourself and it'll make it harder
If he responds and isn't nice - he doesn't care

Plus you'll have been the one who text first and that will always stick in your throat

It's this you've texted first thing - I feel like I'm playing a game - like dating games.

I just want to tell him how I feel.
I know 100% he'll reject me.

I feel like I need that kick.

Don't text him! Read this thread, then don't text him again.

Whenever he doesn't hear his phone ping, it'll be you not texting him.

I can't actually believe how little I meant to him

If you pursue him and he "forgives" your terrible crime of not giving him attention the second he demands it he will take great pleasure in showing you how worthless you are to him because

You're not a real person to him, just a source of whatever he needs, whenever he needs it.

I'm reading this thread and think you are getting good advice from women who have been where you are and I'm sure I won't be the only one being reminded of my own experiences and feeling a bit anxious at the memory. You won't think it or feel it now but he really has done you a favour.

If you can't bear to get rid of his contact details completely then write them on a piece of paper to put it somewhere safely out of reach and the delete his number from your phone, it will help you avoid impulse texting.

You have 10 pages of posters telling you not to text him.
He's already rejected you.

Having been in a similar place to where you are now, I can understand that you want something from him, but if you contact him, you will probably be ignored.

Men like him do not give a shiny shite about you.

I so wanted XP to come back and say it was all a mistake, that he loved me... I did hear from him, and he was not even worth a response of 'Fuck off' He really wasn't worth the effort of 8 keystrokes.

Keep strong.

You’re texting him in the hope he’ll reply and you can begin this toxic cycle all over again be honest.

You’ll get back with him and he’ll treat you like shit again.

It’s not love, it’s codependency and possibly a trauma bond. Listen to the advice you’ve been given, stop making excuses for someone who treats you like shit.

I think it's part 2 she needs @FetchezLaVache

I can't link unfortunately but hopefully this is a photo of the opening post on part 2...



Drat, trying again...

This thread is linked at the end of FetchezLaVache link below

@toastedsandwiches

It's this you've texted first thing - I feel like I'm playing a game - like dating games.

I just want to tell him how I feel.
I know 100% he'll reject me.

I feel like I need that kick.

WHY do you want to tell him how you feel? He presumably knows how you feel, he just doesn't care. This is a man who dumped you because you only responded to one of his two messages while you were ill with tonsillitis. This is a man who required you to play down quite a serious illness because it took your attention off him.

Are these the behaviours of a man who will care that you feel sad?

I loved reading the ‘no need to reply’ thread. Class.

His name isnt Craig is it?
If so run the the wind.

OP - he is grooming you. He leaves you are deverstated. My ex was also like this. Every time he leaves, he comes back and you are every so grateful.
My ex is a narcissist!!

I've been been reading threads for a long time never have I ever seen a thread so much like I could of wrote it.
Please don't let him come back. You will have years of this if you don't see the light now.

No it's not Craig.