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Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Original poster

Need to not message him

400 replies

toastedsandwiches · 04/11/2021 08:07

My DP and I split up yesterday. I'm utterly and totally head over heels for him.
We've been together a year and get on so well. We've had some us and downs.
We've both been massively hurt in the past by other people and can be defensive because of this.
It took a lot for me to let my guard down and throw myself into the relationship, but I did.

We had plans and stuff to look forward to. We talked about living together and getting married down the line. He made me feel loved, and happy and smile. I laughed till I cried. I felt special and content. He gave me support and listened.
I supported him, I gave him my time and we were having an amazing time.
So much in common and couldn't bared to be apart.

Then I got tonsillitis, I went to bed the day before yesterday in the afternoon. I saw a notification on my phone he posted something on Facebook- a joke - aimed at me - nothing nasty - I responded.
He called me an hour later saying he was on the way around. He was livid - I hadn't replied to his text he sent at the same time as the Facebook post.

I hadn't seen the text.

He's broken up with me over it.

OP posts:
Original poster
toastedsandwiches · 04/11/2021 18:38

I am not being driven out of my own home in anticipation of him maybe at some point picking up his car. It could be days?

That and I'm not very well.

OP posts:
Original poster
toastedsandwiches · 04/11/2021 18:39

@colabottlejelliesarethebest

You were fine before you met him you'll be fine now he's gone. Woman up
I know I will be fine.

But I do hurt at the moment.
I am going to miss him immeasurably.

OP posts:
Spidey66 · 04/11/2021 18:57

I've been on dihydrocodeine, a codeine based drug for last few weeks after breaking my shoulder. When the pain was at its peak I was on maximum dose and while I was spaced out, it didn't affect my emotions. I wished it did I was very anxious and depressed at the time!

Original poster
toastedsandwiches · 04/11/2021 19:06

I am little disappointed that codeine doesn't numb you - was thinking of getting some to numb me through this and the tonsillitis - plus the horrendous headache I have from all the crying.

OP posts:
Original poster
toastedsandwiches · 04/11/2021 19:07

@Spidey66 - hope you're feeling better.

OP posts:
TedMullins · 04/11/2021 19:16

I too used to think intense passion and extreme highs (and lows) was some kind of fairytale romance. It isn’t! It’s toxic, it’s codependency, unrequited infatuation and trauma bonding. The less he gives, the more you’re desperate for it. I’ve been in a near identical situation and the person also cut me off and never came back. Looking back now, I WISH more than anything I’d dumped him waaaaay sooner in the relationship, because the red flags were there all along (sounds like they were with your idiot too). Seriously, it’s fucking agony but it WILL pass and you’ll realise what a bullet you’ve dodged. Have you ever had therapy to explore why you’re drawn into unhealthy relationships?

Original poster
toastedsandwiches · 04/11/2021 19:37

No I've not had therapy. I was doing the freedom program when we started dating though. He does know this. It was via Women’s Aid.
I had been split from my very coercive ex for over 2 years.

I was very happy single. I know I don't need him.
But I really fancied him - in my head I thought that was nice to have something really good to look at - that the reality wouldn't live up to my fantasy.

Anyway we started talking and he is exactly like me - yes I know love bombing - I picked up on those - but I was so guarded when he was talking about himself- I didn't say my interests were the same as his - was very cool. Looking for the red flags.

It really doesn't help I find him so attractive.

OP posts:
Pinkbonbon · 04/11/2021 19:49

Often abusers just give off this...spark.

I think part of it is how they can look at you so intensely...make you feel as if you are the only thing in the world that they can see. We mistake that for them being smitten...but actually, it's more like a shark zoning in on blood in the water. A predator looking at its prey.

They take your shine and bounce it back at you.

ErrmWTAF · 04/11/2021 19:57

As so many other are suggesting, this was never really Real. He future-faked, love-bombed, etc. And, though we haven't heard much about your past [abusive] relationships, I'd bet that they were far better than the sorry assholes you gave your love to deserved. ###

So, what's the common denominator here? Answer: YOU! ###

Sweetie, if you can make a silk purse out of all those sow's ears, just imagine what amazing things you could do when you're not wasting your efforts on unworthies! ###

So, start with yourself: you are DEFINITELY worthy. Just believe it. And, yes, try the Lundy and the Freedom Programme. You deserve to feel good about yourself. You deserve to have your eyes opened. ###

Personally, if you've got enough energy tonight to pack up his stuff, I'd leave it on bags on his car, so when he collects one, he gets the other. Job done. In no other way shape or form acknowledge his presence in your [now] past. No drama, just, gone.

###s added in case Android eats my paragraphs.

Spidey66 · 04/11/2021 20:50

@toastedsandwiches

I am little disappointed that codeine doesn't numb you - was thinking of getting some to numb me through this and the tonsillitis - plus the horrendous headache I have from all the crying.
It is sedating and helps a lot with pain though so while it’s not a script it’s d associate with tonsillitis if you’re scraping around for something to help..... Tonsillitis is horrible. I’ve not had it for over 30 years and my enduring memory is being crouched over the loo spitting in because I couldn’t swallow my own saliva. It’s up there in my top 5 of accidents/illnesses i would not like to repeat (broken shoulder and gallstones being joint top!)
TedMullins · 04/11/2021 20:53

I’d definitely recommend therapy. I’ve been drawn to a few of these types. Through therapy I’ve learned that actually (while they were future faking sociopaths and I’m not excusing them) my behaviour and ingrained, faulty belief systems led me to behave in ways harmful to myself and make decisions that led to me getting hurt. There is not a single one of these people that I wish I was still with - I look back now and feel nothing except incredulity at how blind to their manipulation I was, and a wish I’d chucked them or never dated them in the first place.

JamieNorthlife · 04/11/2021 21:13

@toastedsandwiches

I know you think I'm being naive but I know he won't Hoover. I know he's just cut me off dead. There won't be any texts or calls. He'll come get his stuff.

He'll move on to the next.

OP, have you considered having therapy? It may help you before your next relationship.
JamieNorthlife · 04/11/2021 21:16

Sorry, just read that you mentioned therapy.

But I really fancied him - in my head, I thought that was nice to have something really good to look at - that the reality wouldn't live up to my fantasy.

try writing all your feelings and his behaviour down. It can help you to understand that he is just nasty.

HollowTalk · 04/11/2021 21:19

You say he was staying with you for six nights a week.

Who is paying for the food? Who does the house work?

JamieNorthlife · 04/11/2021 21:20

@Shuffleuplove

Is this man a plumber from Winsford?
Or the IT from Guildford?
SelfIdentifiedRightsHoarder · 04/11/2021 21:39

I've been in a relationship exactly like this. You have my every sympathy. Please believe me, that it will not get better. It will happen over and over again until you have lost yourself completely. Relationships like this are like forest fires. They just tear and burn through destroying everything in their path. And when you think it's all over the ground is still hot, and it starts all over again. Stop thinking about whether or not he'll come back. You know deep down that this is an abusive relationship. Please take back your control. It will only end when you don't allow him to worm his way back in. I really hope that you manage to care for yourself enough to find the strength to end this and find true happiness. Love isn't supposed to be this way, and you know that

stopblowingyournose · 04/11/2021 22:42

I found the most savage relationship Enders that you think you will never see again always hoover - it's part of the manipulation. On the other hand I had a soft break up over a few weeks with an exp that I thought I would remain friends with and even spend time with - haven't seen or heard anything in 5 years...

ChargingBuck · 04/11/2021 22:45

No I've not had therapy. I was doing the freedom program when we started dating though. He does know this. It was via Women’s Aid.
I had been split from my very coercive ex for over 2 years.

Ouch.

Did you finish the freedom programme?
Discuss it with him?
It's a bit ... sinister that he had this ammunition about you, & has used it against you.
He is a textbook coercive controller using textbook abusive tactics.

I was very happy single. I know I don't need him.

Hold on to this.
& consider how unhappy, destabilised & needy he has made you feel & act.

www.oomm.live/the-shark-cage-metaphor-spotting-potential-abusers/

ChargingBuck · 04/11/2021 22:47

Personally, if you've got enough energy tonight to pack up his stuff, I'd leave it on bags on his car, so when he collects one, he gets the other. Job done. In no other way shape or form acknowledge his presence in your [now] past. No drama, just, gone.

This.
No engagement. No Hoovering. No exposing yourself to further manipulations, backlash, or control.

NotaCoolMum · 04/11/2021 22:59

He is a manipulative nasty abuser.

Peach01 · 04/11/2021 23:53

This is petty and manipulative behaviour. There are a thousand like him. Don't have him back.

beastlyslumber · 05/11/2021 00:00

@SelfIdentifiedRightsHoarder

I've been in a relationship exactly like this. You have my every sympathy. Please believe me, that it will not get better. It will happen over and over again until you have lost yourself completely. Relationships like this are like forest fires. They just tear and burn through destroying everything in their path. And when you think it's all over the ground is still hot, and it starts all over again. Stop thinking about whether or not he'll come back. You know deep down that this is an abusive relationship. Please take back your control. It will only end when you don't allow him to worm his way back in. I really hope that you manage to care for yourself enough to find the strength to end this and find true happiness. Love isn't supposed to be this way, and you know that
Yep. And when you end it, it will all get much easier, very quickly.
Dery · 05/11/2021 00:05

You’ve had some great advice on here, OP. Your comments about how amazing it was when he wasn’t treating you like sh1t, when he wasn’t being a complete bastard, show how desperate you were to make this relationship an acceptable place to stay even when you knew it wasn’t. That makes you vulnerable. I think you may find Women Who Love Too Much a useful read.

Original poster
toastedsandwiches · 05/11/2021 00:05

I am struggling. I've just woken up and my head is full of him.

I'm checking my phone to see if he's messaged or called, I know he hasn't and I know he won't.

This is really hurting me. It's like a red hot physical pain throughout my body and arms.

OP posts:
Dery · 05/11/2021 00:09

It’s very hard, OP. Dysfunctional relationships can be addictive. You need to go cold turkey and the early stages of that are horrible. But this man sounds like a complete bastard and you’re much better off without him in your life.

Do you own a Kindle? If so, you could try downloading Women Who Love Too Much. I really think it could help you.