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Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Original poster

Confused, gambling, cocaine partner

149 replies

TetherEnd2021 · 02/11/2021 18:30

k, I'm not really sure where to start but just feel I need to reach out for advice or support of some sort.
I have been with my partner 2 years and this year we bought a house with a joint mortgage. For the 1st year I knew he enjoyed gambling a bit but it took me a while to recognise the 100 he said he spent a month gambling was actually 600.
He gets paid very well but still runs out every month and I end up paying for bread, milk, little bits and bobs at the end of the month on half his wage. It took a while to realise as it was quite subtle. At the same time he has been taking coke most weekends, usually with me and a group of friends and even though it's not something I'm particuarly bothered about I have joined in but can say no. Recently it's become apparent he is doing it on his own when I'm in bed, being completely irresponsible with money and I can't trust him to be honest with me.
I'm trying hard to lead a healthier life and he doesn't seem to want to change. It feels like now I'm aware of the truth he just does it blatantly as much as he likes. There have been lots of occassions where I have said please can you not do it around your family or my friends, or its a school night, Im not joining in etc etc and he will have a few drinks and them just start saying lets get some coke in to whoever is there.
I recognise I have enabled the situation but he has been doing it for years before I met him and I have only done it once or twice before we met and I know I can go without and he will just lie and get it once Im in bed on his own.
We don't have children but talk about it in the future, I suppose Im writing because I can't believe he will ever change or be able to, he just says what I want to hear then goes behind my back.
For most of you reading it's an obvious choice to leave him but I worry about him and care for his wellfare. He has a lot of behviours which are eccentric, loud, amusing, charismatic but also forgetful, disorganised, can't do any household chores without breaking something, doesnt pay attention when I listen to him and often zones out, leaves door wide open, hob on, just dangerous stuff.....hence why I worry, but Im also wondering if he has ADHD and this is causing his impulsive behaviours with addiction and gambling.
He can be very kind and loving and I feel like he means well and can be supportive if Im really upset...if only for a short while. Im confused because everyone seems to think hes great and will make a good dad and I just worry too much. I feel like I worry for good reason and they just dont live with him and can't see him for who he is.
Also he gambles on one sport a year and he tends to win alot more than he loses. (From what I know) so am I being over dramatic or is this a sign of something else e.g ADHD or is he just an ass.

OP posts:
Original poster
TetherEnd2021 · 02/11/2021 18:43

The reason I posted on here is because we have been considering having children and some of you mums maybe able to give me advice as to whether this is wise or I may regret it. Im looking for support from people who have experienced similar things so I hope I'm not offending anyone posting on here when I'm not actually a mum or expecting..

OP posts:
ftw163532 · 02/11/2021 18:47

The reason I posted on here is because we have been considering having children and some of you mums maybe able to give me advice as to whether this is wise or I may regret it.

Of course that isn't wise. Hmm

That would be a terrible decision. Don't inflict this disastrous situation on an innocent child.

Shehasadiamondinthesky · 02/11/2021 18:47

You need to get rid. Absolutely do not have children with him. It will be a total disaster.

Original poster
TetherEnd2021 · 02/11/2021 18:50

Yeah I know you're right it's just difficult because if I ask him to help out more with chores he will try his hardest, if I need some support he will be there. I have seen him with children and animals and he is very loving but obviously the addictions are not worth the effort. I just feel really sad and letdown but hope that things could change. Ive asked him to see a doctor and he has booked an appintment and says he doesnt want this to end and will try harder. He has made an effort in lots of ways...

OP posts:
AgentJohnson · 02/11/2021 18:51

Hmm, coke snorting gamblers rarely make good fathers. Don’t knowingly saddle a child with this man baby.

Original poster
TetherEnd2021 · 02/11/2021 18:52

I just feel like we have been through alot from when we met with covid we have lived in a one bed studio flat for a year and been very happy but I feel like something has changed and want it to go back to what it was, I just dont know if it can. Should you just give up on people even if you love and worry about them

OP posts:
PersonaNonGarter · 02/11/2021 18:54

OP, how ‘joint’ are your finances? Could he be stealing from you? How much of the mortgage do you both pay, and is it 50/50 equity?

Pinkstegosaurus · 02/11/2021 18:59

I think you can still love and worry for someone but recognise that your lives have become too different to consider having children with him. Kids are bloody hard work and if you can’t trust that him completely that he’s not gambling and snorting coke to ‘get through’ the harder bits then I just wouldn’t even go there.

Original poster
TetherEnd2021 · 02/11/2021 19:01

So the mortgage is in both our names. All bills come from his account so if he messes up its on him. I send him money for bills and mirtgage each month and also I take money from his wage each month now so we have enough for food, meals out, takeaways or whatever....this is since I got sick of him running out every month. So I manage a proportion of his money and nothing can come back to bite me in the ass. He gets paid more so gives me a bit more towards the food fund but still hes spending like 900 a month on gambling sometimes now and I know it could be put to better use. Its like if I tell him to do something he will reluctantly do it and let me manage it but then I feel like Im his mum which isnt a turn on. I dont believe he has any debts or cards or whatever as hes so ditzy he just lets me open the post and couldnt hide evidence if he tried

OP posts:
Original poster
TetherEnd2021 · 02/11/2021 19:03

Ok, so obviously kids is not on my mind at the moment but I posted here because that would be a future goal. Right now its more a question should I stay and try and help him and things may get to that stage of kids or should I just walk and think it will never get better?
Thankyou for all your posts btw I really am feeling quite alone and needing support, i dont have close family and moved to nearer his home ground and dont drive so Im quite isolated atm

OP posts:
Dery · 02/11/2021 19:03

@TetherEnd2021 - it is very wise of you to post on here. Your instincts are very sound and it's very responsible of you to think twice about having children with this man. You're right not to rely on him changing. He might but he probably won't - he hasn't changed yet despite the fact that you're already suffering from the consequences of his gambling. Sounds like he's got some deeply engrained harmful habits - gambling and drug-taking - both of which are likely to cause serious problems if you try to have children with him.

It sounds like you and he moved rather quickly. It's quite quick to have bought a place together when you've only been together two years. At that stage, you're still really getting to know each other. Of course, it can work just fine but you're discovering things about him which are troubling you.

He's already deceived you about the gambling and appears to be quite happy to allow you to fill the financial hole that his gambling is creating even though you earn half what he earns. That is a really bad sign. It would be different if that had happened once and he had vowed to avoid a repeat but that doesn't seem to be the case here. Problem gamblers can get into serious debt. If you marry him, there is a risk that you will end up liable for his debts. Indeed, since he is clearly gambling beyond his means, he is putting any assets you share with him (such as your house) at risk.

As for other people thinking you worry too much - well, they're not the ones living with him; they're not the ones picking up the pieces when he runs out of money at the end of the month; and they're not the ones who would be trying to co-parent with a drug-taking gambler.

So ignore them and listen to your gut - your gut is telling you that it would be a big mistake to have children with this man and your gut is right. And although you will have the hassle of trying to sell your shared place if you do split now - it will still be a lot easier to split now than if you have children together.

Pinkstegosaurus · 02/11/2021 19:06

It will take over unless he makes some serious changes. It sounds like you’ll always be managing him to some extent and you need an equal partner and someone who you can rely on when you have kids.

AnyFucker · 02/11/2021 19:06

Extricate yourself from this loser, quick smart

Theuniverseandeverything · 02/11/2021 19:07

£900 a month on gambling? And how much on coke?

How/when is he going to change? It doesn’t even sound like he wants to. If he’s doing it openly with family (who?) and friends and after you’ve gone to bed that’s pretty excessive.

How old are you both?

I think you would be mad to have children with him and what kind of lifestyle would he be leading as an example to your children?

Original poster
TetherEnd2021 · 02/11/2021 19:07

@Dery thankyou, those are words of wisdom and I appriciate you taking the time to read everything though and consider it. Do you think I should even try to help and make things work or just give up now?

OP posts:
Wolfiefan · 02/11/2021 19:08

He needs to be an ex. You can’t fix him.

MrsKeats · 02/11/2021 19:11

Run away from this mess.

Dery · 02/11/2021 19:12

@TetherEnd2021 - I missed your updates before posting. You sound very mature but since you say children are a future goal rather than an immediate goal, I'm guessing you're still young. Depending on your timeline (including fertility body clock) - if you feel you have time and he shows willing, you could try giving him, say, 12-18 months to clean his act up. If he's also still young (say, in his 20s), then he can probably still turn this round quite easily if he's willing to do so. It will be harder if he's older. It does sound like he's trying to get straight.

That said, as you say, feeling like his mother is not the dynamic you're looking for. Also, as is always said on here - women are not rehab centres for damaged men. It's not your job to fix him and you certainly shouldn't spend a significant number of years trying to do so. But you loved him enough to buy a place with him so you might want to give him a chance to get straight before ending things.

Original poster
TetherEnd2021 · 02/11/2021 19:13

@Theuniverseandeverything we are 33 and 32 and well he does it most weekends with his friends and sometimes with me as I said but everything with him seems to be excessive, he cant just take it slow or have a break from it. And family...we were out at the weekend at his auntys bday and he was trying to get some with his young cousins after promising he wouldnt, he always tells me off for talking to his family about these problems but I lost it and said to them, youre not driving home with him tomorrow and hes promised he wouldnt do it now hes rubbing it in my face again. He ended up not doing it and falling out with me for making a scene. He has gone to his parents tonight and hes worried they will find out, not that he let me down and lied and is trying to do it with his 19 year old cousin. Its not fair is it

OP posts:
AttilaTheMeerkat · 02/11/2021 19:14

What do you get out of this relationship now?.

How old are you now?. Read about codependency in relationships and see how much of this relates to your own behaviour in this relationship.

What you’re doing is basically enabling him and his inherent addictions which are also nothing to do with ADHD. You certainly cannot bring a child into this dysfunctional and codependent relationship.

You need to get off this merry go around named denial now because you are really being dragged down with him. Do not keep on flogging this dead horse.

Rainbowqueeen · 02/11/2021 19:14

If you had children with him you would be running the risk that they would be removed from your care by social services. As well as that you would not be able to care for them properly because your income was being spent on drugs and gambling. That should worry you
You need to care more about yourself than you do about him. Women are conditioned into caring roles to their own detriment. Read up on rescuer syndrome. Go to al- anon and hear about others experiences.

Leave this guy. You deserve a happy healthy life free from this kind of worry. Don’t do this to yourself

Pinkstegosaurus · 02/11/2021 19:15

@TetherEnd2021

Ok, so obviously kids is not on my mind at the moment but I posted here because that would be a future goal. Right now its more a question should I stay and try and help him and things may get to that stage of kids or should I just walk and think it will never get better? Thankyou for all your posts btw I really am feeling quite alone and needing support, i dont have close family and moved to nearer his home ground and dont drive so Im quite isolated atm
If he knows that this is important to you he’d be making changes now. The worry is that you’d spend years helping him reform in order to get to a place where he is going to be a good father and he still isn’t ready, then you’ve wasted all of that time and energy and you will become resentful.
Dery · 02/11/2021 19:16

@TetherEnd2021 - sorry - I keep missing your updates :). With difficult decisions our guts can be very useful guides: what is your gut telling you? Is your gut telling you to get gone now or to give him a chance?

Another trick I find helpful with difficult decisions is to imagine myself in the future looking back at this moment: cast your mind forward, say, 2 or 3 years from now and imagine yourself looking back at this moment. What do you think you will wish you had done? Given him some more time to clean up his act or walked away now?

LivingDeadGirlUK · 02/11/2021 19:17

Honestly it sounds like such hard work and you are only 2 years in. Having kids would be a disaster for you and them Even without kids you have a mortgage with an addict who could leave you in the lurch financially at any moment. So much stress and drama, it will only get worse.

Dery · 02/11/2021 19:19

@TetherEnd2021 - missed another update (sorry). Given your ages and how he's behaving over this, it's not looking promising. It sounds like he's addicted and addicts make very problematic life partners.