Confused, gambling, cocaine partner

[TetherEnd2021]

k, I'm not really sure where to start but just feel I need to reach out for advice or support of some sort.
I have been with my partner 2 years and this year we bought a house with a joint mortgage. For the 1st year I knew he enjoyed gambling a bit but it took me a while to recognise the 100 he said he spent a month gambling was actually 600.
He gets paid very well but still runs out every month and I end up paying for bread, milk, little bits and bobs at the end of the month on half his wage. It took a while to realise as it was quite subtle. At the same time he has been taking coke most weekends, usually with me and a group of friends and even though it's not something I'm particuarly bothered about I have joined in but can say no. Recently it's become apparent he is doing it on his own when I'm in bed, being completely irresponsible with money and I can't trust him to be honest with me.
I'm trying hard to lead a healthier life and he doesn't seem to want to change. It feels like now I'm aware of the truth he just does it blatantly as much as he likes. There have been lots of occassions where I have said please can you not do it around your family or my friends, or its a school night, Im not joining in etc etc and he will have a few drinks and them just start saying lets get some coke in to whoever is there.
I recognise I have enabled the situation but he has been doing it for years before I met him and I have only done it once or twice before we met and I know I can go without and he will just lie and get it once Im in bed on his own.
We don't have children but talk about it in the future, I suppose Im writing because I can't believe he will ever change or be able to, he just says what I want to hear then goes behind my back.
For most of you reading it's an obvious choice to leave him but I worry about him and care for his wellfare. He has a lot of behviours which are eccentric, loud, amusing, charismatic but also forgetful, disorganised, can't do any household chores without breaking something, doesnt pay attention when I listen to him and often zones out, leaves door wide open, hob on, just dangerous stuff.....hence why I worry, but Im also wondering if he has ADHD and this is causing his impulsive behaviours with addiction and gambling.
He can be very kind and loving and I feel like he means well and can be supportive if Im really upset...if only for a short while. Im confused because everyone seems to think hes great and will make a good dad and I just worry too much. I feel like I worry for good reason and they just dont live with him and can't see him for who he is.
Also he gambles on one sport a year and he tends to win alot more than he loses. (From what I know) so am I being over dramatic or is this a sign of something else e.g ADHD or is he just an ass.

Whose idea was it to move away from family , friends etc? Do you spend nice time together without involvement of cocaine, alcohol, gambling, parties? You having to control his money to that extent is not normal and frankly exhausting.

You would be better employed using this pent up anger and fire in your belly on the person who has put you in the position you are now in; him rather than us.

re your comment:-
"I understand what gamblers and addicts can be like and I do love him".

Its probable that you've never dated an emotionally healthy man who is neither an addict or a compulsive gambler. You've still repeating the same old dysfunctional relationship patterns that started in childhood not least of all codependency and from that a need to be needed.

You're still mixing up love with codependency here. You were actively taught to be codependent from childhood onwards. Do you know what a mutually respectful relationship actually is?. I do not think you do and nor for that matter does your own mother and sister (I read your brief comments about them). No-one ever bothered to show you what a good relationship is like and you still do not know even now.

Ok, so I leave him and move out, get my own place but how do I prevent this happening again. Have you been on dating sites these days, none of the men on there seem to want a healthy stable relationship they just want sex.

@TetherEnd2021

Ok, so I leave him and move out, get my own place but how do I prevent this happening again. Have you been on dating sites these days, none of the men on there seem to want a healthy stable relationship they just want sex.

I think some more counselling to help you work on boundaries and expectations specifically regarding relationships would be beneficial.

You have to start with you and work on rebuilding you from the ground up.

Also love your own self for a change; its all too clear to me that you do not and your boundaries, already skewed, are being further messed with by this individual now.

Forget about using all dating sites for at least a year. The last thing you need is yet another disasterous relationship which also features addiction alongside your codependent need to rescue and or save others from their own selves. You need to heal you first and properly before trying to love someone else. You can unlearn all this crap you've been taught about relationships till now but you're going to have to put the long and difficult work in and it will feel bloody difficult and hard going.

Would urge you to contact CODA to start with and attend their meetings.

I don't see how thats a response. When I was single before I met my partner for a year and went on dating sites I woild get up to 40 messages a day saying do you want a fuck, your fit, id give you one etc....why does that mean I need counselling.
I think you have obviously gotten lucky with a decent guy so your views on relationships differ to mine. I think maybe those of you who talk about healthy relationships are lying to yourselves and have probably experiences some issues in your own but are on your high horse. I work with 6 women all who have various relationship issues, my closest female friends often complain about thier partners again for different reasons. Lazyness, cheating, drugs, abuse, prostitution. Its not just myself and my childhood. Maybe I just work in the wrong place and live in a bad area....is that what you think?

Wow. What a needlessly rude response to people making suggestions when you've directly asked for them. Neither mine nor @AttilaTheMeerkat's responses were snarky, rude etc - they were constructive and kind so I don't know why you've chosen to respond that way.

Use that anger to get yourself out of this relationship. You can't stay with him just because you think there isn't better out there. Better to be single and safe and happy than with someone like him, it really is.

You've also no idea what people have been through who have responded to your posts. Some may have no idea about addiction / difficult relationships etc. Others may have painful first hand experiences.

Ok well telling me I need help and counselling and Im codependant and making comments about my upbringing when you know the bare minimum is frankly insulting as well. I dont think you're qualified to make these judgemebts over text do you?

I mentioned my ex was an alcaholic that doesnt mean I havent had long term relationships in the past which were healthy and stable. Youre just jumping to conclusions and telling me I need help. No I need to sort out this particular situation...

It's not insulting to suggest counselling to someone at a crossroads in their life who is struggling to know what to do next. Counselling is a sensible and helpful thing to do in that situation.

You asked strangers on mumsnet for advice and you're now saying they aren't 'qualified' to simply make suggestions.

You're only hurting yourself by getting angry with strangers instead of using that energy to productively work through what's going on with you at the moment.

@TetherEnd2021

A lot of these comments arent helpful. As I have said I check his bank statements when they come through, I also have access to his bank account whenever Ive asked and I keep hold of money from him every month to cover extra costs. Ive checked my credit rating just now and as I suspected its fine. I also have 10k of his savings in my savings account so he doesnt blow it. Therefore if he did fuck up on a months or twos mortgage the house would be on the market and I would take the money from his savings to pay for it. You're all acting like Im really stupid and havent thought anything through. I understand what gamblers and addicts can be like and I do love him. The rescuer thing maybe partly true but I came here thinking I should leave him and not 100 per cent sure that he would change in the future. You all telling me a mug is just disrespectful. Its none of you that have just started fresh away from friends family and a new job etc and now have to reverse it all. Its a big decision and not one I take lightly

Ok, so you're retaining control over some of his finances which is sensible in the circumstances. If you stay with him, you'll have to continue doing that. Which, I suspect, you'll get utterly fed up with. You're his partner, not his mother.

You're being incredibly defensive. Most people on here have given you decent advice - resoundingly that you should leave him. If you don't want to heed that advice, that's your call. But please know that we aren't all "lucky". We moan about our partners, everyone does, but a gambling coke addict is far removed from a husband who leaves his pants on the bedroom floor!

No I need to sort out this particular situation...

And almost every person has suggested that the way to do that is to leave this man.

Yoy suggested counselling not because Im at a crossroads but because you are making judgemebts that I have rescuer syndrome or some codependancy problem and need to go to a group.....thats what Im saying you arent qualified to say over a message.

Anyway Im not commenting again, my words are getting twisted. I was looking for people in a similar situation to help me come to decision. I had a lot of helpful responses last night. This morning it's just people getting at me and people who havent commented they have experienced anything simolar so who cant really relate to this situation. Thank you anyway.

"You're only hurting yourself by getting angry with strangers instead of using that energy to productively work through what's going on with you at the moment".

Indeed and you are not stupid but this anger directed at the likes of posters puts you immediately on the offensive. You chose to be with this man.

I am actually glad to see that you do have some fire still in your belly.

Use this ire however, on someone who deserves it i.e this man and the other people who taught you to tacitly accept such damaging crap about relationships. You chose to post here of your own free will after all. If you did not think this was at all a problem you would not have posted about it.

@TetherEnd2021

Anyway Im not commenting again, my words are getting twisted. I was looking for people in a similar situation to help me come to decision. I had a lot of helpful responses last night. This morning it's just people getting at me and people who havent commented they have experienced anything simolar so who cant really relate to this situation. Thank you anyway.

Use this anger to power change.

I have been in a similar situation actually. Very similar. Counselling was hugely beneficial in helping me heal and not repeat it. Which is exactly what you asked people to tell you how to do.

Good luck.

Ok, so I leave him and move out, get my own place but how do I prevent this happening again.

You asked this. People made suggestions as specifically requested by you.

My suggestion was based on direct personal experience. You reacted like a teenager lashing out.

You're getting in your own way, nobody else's.

I hope you can navigate your way away from this man.

For most of you reading it's an obvious choice to leave him but I worry about him and care for his wellfare.

As someone said on here, women are not rehabilitation centres for dysfunctional men.

Also the fastest way to become an abused woman (he doesbt have to hit you etc, there are other types of abuse, he's currently financially abusing you, for example) is to gave a saviour/martyr complex.

You'll fuck up your life with that saviour/martyr complex.

Hes not your responsibility, He's not your child (and even

If he was, a parent would be advised to step away if their adult child was not helping themself.

I think one problem you have is that you see engaging in therapy as something that is a judgment on you, that you must be really messed up and this is all your fault.

Whereas therapy is really just creating a space (in the presence of another person who will think carefully about and with you) where you can be supported to think about your situation and how you might be playing some part in it and hurting yourself.

@Bumpsadaisie

I think one problem you have is that you see engaging in therapy as something that is a judgment on you, that you must be really messed up and this is all your fault.

Whereas therapy is really just creating a space (in the presence of another person who will think carefully about and with you) where you can be supported to think about your situation and how you might be playing some part in it and hurting yourself.

PS you are very much not alone in this. Most people find it difficult to start therapy and really look at themselves for just those reasons. But if you can bear to, it is very helpful.

I promise you he is spending much much more than he says! My ex was a gambler and like yours thought because he told me it made it okay to continue and spend more and more. He claimed he couldn't help it.

You need to sell the house and split up before you get dragged into this. He will ruin you. Oh and he will be absolutely fine and he is a grown man. They rely on us worrying about them.

Also as an aside, I seen it said that coke is easy enough to not grt adduced to iniitally but can ramp up to an addiction over time; so hanging out with him and his mates abd getting drawn into taking coke .. you're risking your own health and stability.

You need to get out of the h
Joint mortgage ASAP; not that it's really a joint mortgage when you're paying for all basics because hes spent 600 or more a month on gambling and coke. That just means one way or another you're subsidising him and its not joint finances.

You don't appear to have kids with this bloke, that's means you're v lucky and in a much better position than many women posting on here.

He will ruin you.

Four words that encapsulate this thread.