Confused, gambling, cocaine partner

[TetherEnd2021]

k, I'm not really sure where to start but just feel I need to reach out for advice or support of some sort.
I have been with my partner 2 years and this year we bought a house with a joint mortgage. For the 1st year I knew he enjoyed gambling a bit but it took me a while to recognise the 100 he said he spent a month gambling was actually 600.
He gets paid very well but still runs out every month and I end up paying for bread, milk, little bits and bobs at the end of the month on half his wage. It took a while to realise as it was quite subtle. At the same time he has been taking coke most weekends, usually with me and a group of friends and even though it's not something I'm particuarly bothered about I have joined in but can say no. Recently it's become apparent he is doing it on his own when I'm in bed, being completely irresponsible with money and I can't trust him to be honest with me.
I'm trying hard to lead a healthier life and he doesn't seem to want to change. It feels like now I'm aware of the truth he just does it blatantly as much as he likes. There have been lots of occassions where I have said please can you not do it around your family or my friends, or its a school night, Im not joining in etc etc and he will have a few drinks and them just start saying lets get some coke in to whoever is there.
I recognise I have enabled the situation but he has been doing it for years before I met him and I have only done it once or twice before we met and I know I can go without and he will just lie and get it once Im in bed on his own.
We don't have children but talk about it in the future, I suppose Im writing because I can't believe he will ever change or be able to, he just says what I want to hear then goes behind my back.
For most of you reading it's an obvious choice to leave him but I worry about him and care for his wellfare. He has a lot of behviours which are eccentric, loud, amusing, charismatic but also forgetful, disorganised, can't do any household chores without breaking something, doesnt pay attention when I listen to him and often zones out, leaves door wide open, hob on, just dangerous stuff.....hence why I worry, but Im also wondering if he has ADHD and this is causing his impulsive behaviours with addiction and gambling.
He can be very kind and loving and I feel like he means well and can be supportive if Im really upset...if only for a short while. Im confused because everyone seems to think hes great and will make a good dad and I just worry too much. I feel like I worry for good reason and they just dont live with him and can't see him for who he is.
Also he gambles on one sport a year and he tends to win alot more than he loses. (From what I know) so am I being over dramatic or is this a sign of something else e.g ADHD or is he just an ass.

[quote TetherEnd2021]@Hoppinggreen really helpful thanks. I dont want any more or your advice thankyou[/quote]
Well you don’t get to choose who posts unfortunately
You asked MN whether it was a good idea to start a family with this man and it’s a pretty resounding NO.

So he's gambling £11,000 a year? He would have to earn about £14,000 a year to pay for that.

I would bet my house but next year he'll be gambling more than that. And even more the year after.

I think you need to get away from him.

You deserve so much better.

It might be well worth looking at counselling to see why you ended up with someone like this after your previous boyfriend.

He is pacing and forgetful and clumsy because he is a full blown addict and is constantly on edge and needing extra Coke. This is not a 2-3 nights a week habit, it's full blown full time with serious cravings and withdrawal. The agitation on the "come down" is real. I know, I was a massive coke addict myself 25 years ago. I told myself I wasn't as all my bills got paid etc but every month I ran out of money and to part in SO much risky behaviour. It's a miracle I'm still alive and don't have a criminal record. I alienated all my friends and family and when my money ran out my addict friend abandoned me too.

Do not stay with this man. You say you care about him but he doesn't care about you. You are not a drug rehabilitation Center for drug and gambling addicts . Do not waste your most fertile years on this man if you even think you want children. Nectar he will promise you the world and fail you Every Single Time.

From the sound of it he/you surround yourselves with people that live this drug fuelled lifestyle. So you aren't asking him to give up ONE addiction. It's not just drugs. It's gambling too. And then his friends ship (possible work friends?) group too. It's not going to happen. He isn't going to give one of those things up never mind all of it.

OP your partner is gambling addict and drug addict.

He may also have ADHD or similar but ultimately he has addiction issues.

It doesn’t make him a bad person, addiction is an illness. But what it does mean is that his behaviour will deteriorate if he doesn’t address the root cause. And he’ll only do that when HE is ready.

Choosing to spend your life with an addict is not a wise decision.

Personally if I were you I’d be walking away. No matter how much you love him, you can’t “love” someone into not being an addict. It’s something only they can fix when they are ready.

If he’s willing to get help, real help, then maybe there’s a chance for your relationship in the future but as it stands you are asking for a life of disappointment and heartache because he will never choose you over the rush of gambling or doing Coke.

He has an addictive personality and he will continue to go from one addiction to another. This is nothing to do with ADHD, they are completely different things.

You need therapy re codependency and unlearning the vast mass of rubbish you learnt about relationships when you were growing up.
You wrote earlier that both your mother and sister also have shit relationships. What did you think when you were writing that?.

"my gut tells me to go, I always hoped I would settle down and really thought he was the one for the first year but things just seem to be getting worse, a few good days in a few bad months. I think I know the answer I just need to do it. I just feel sad we have a beautiful house, i moved away from friends and family and got a new job to be here as I dont drive, I cant afford to live near work on my wage and I just hoped things would improve. I just feel deflated and sad"

@TetherEnd2021 - it's natural that you feel deflated and sad. You had a great first year and you thought you'd found someone to build a future with to the extent of buying a place with him. You said lockdown went well. Unfortunately, you're not the only poster who's found that what looks like good behaviour and reliability have gone out the window as the COVID restrictions have eased up.

It's difficult also when you're surrounded by women in unhappy relationships. That said, it is excellent that your friend called the police on her partner and it is excellent that you have the instincts, strength and self-honesty to face up to the problem that the man you wanted to build a life with is not the person you thought he was. That's a very difficult thing to do and takes real guts and wisdom, OP.

Your gut is telling you to go now and I think at 33 it's the right thing to do. Your updates show that he is in a bad way. Settling down with you could have made him resolve to change his damaging habits but he hasn't and doesn't seem able to do so. It sounds like he's addicted and you could so easily get dragged down with him.

It's interesting that you say your previous boyfriend was an alcoholic. Do you think there's something in your family history which means you're instinctively drawn to a rescuer role?

Sorry that you're going through this, OP.

I can see why you are attractive to him and that is because your boundaries in relationships are well messed up.

Being a rescuer or saviour in a relationship never works. Your last partner was himself an alcoholic, you could not rescue and or save him either.

This man’s primary relationship is with substances and gambling, it’s not with you and it’s never been with you either. All you’ve been doing to date is enabling him along with propping up his addictions with the result you feel like his mother.

You are not a rehab center for some badly raised man so why are you acting as one?. You get something out of this, the need to be needed.

Its only going to get worse if you stay with him, because you are managing everything for him, he has a home and security because of you, allowing him to spend and behave the way he wants to without any consequences. Its nothing to do with ADHD. He's an addict and this isn't a safe relationship for you, he's using you.
He won't change, why should he, he's got a comfortable life with you looking after him. Get out, don't waste another second of the future you want, free yourself without worrying about him, he isn't your responsibility and he won't change while he has you, or ever necessarily, un pin your hopes from him. Its the best best thing you can do for him, 'support' him by ending it, because it isn't a loving, stable or sustainable relationship.

This guy is a ticking bomb, he will cause you financial ruin, & is very likely already in debt, you may lose your house.
He needs to want to get help, clearly he is nowhere near wanting it, trying to encourage his cousins is sickening.
Get yourself out now.
& as for having DC with him? It would complete fucking madness

He is constantly fidgeting, pacing, cant sit still, he can't concentrate on anything, hes clumsy and breaks things, he forgets and loses everything....this last week hes left the hob on twice, left his keys in the front door, lost his debuit card, interupts me all the time etc etc....there is definately something else going on.

Yes, he's high. On account of being a cokehead.

To stay with him would be foolish.

To have a child with him would be unthinkably selfish.

@LMBoston I am so sorry to hear qhat you have been through and these are the exact things I worry about. Thankyou for giving me some of your life experience. Its so easy for people to comment from the outside but unless you are in it you really cant understand how it feels and the questions that go through your mind. I really appriciate you taking the time to comment. Thankyou. I really hope you are happy now and its been really helpful to hear your story xx

Is he definitely paying all of the bills with the money you give him? Would you know if he was defaulting on the mortgage?

How can you protect yourself from the risks?

Have you seen the Paul Merson documentary on iplayer?

Can you call the bank and make sure he cannot secure any additional borrowing against the house without both signatures (they often forge it though)

Also set up experian so you can check your credit record and check he hasnt borrowed in your name and and check it every month to check nothing has changed

Do not have children with him until he has been substance free and gambling free for many years

@Pinkstegosaurus thankyou for your kind words. I feel like I just need to get myself sorted and do whats right for me as you say, im getting a bit tired of helping someone and getting nothing back. I just need to work out where to go from here now. Your post and a few others have really helped me in a bad time so I want you to know how much I appriciate you taking the time to post tonight.

I agree it's best to cut your losses with him.

Chose yourself. Chose to save yourself.

You can have a nice life and meet someone good.

There's a lot of information out there about co-dependency and growing up with addictive parents. The more you learn about it, you'll see the patterns and you'll learn how to avoid these types.

@HollowTalk maybe because I care about people in need. Maybe that comes from my past....however that has nothing to do with why I posted tonight. This conversation is not about whats wrong with me being kind but how I can grow stronger and resolve a conflict in my life. Please dont message again.

I was in a long relationship with this man. I started doing coke too because it was the only time I ever really felt a deep connection with him. We both got way too into it actually. Then, as far as I thought, we both stopped and made a better life for ourselves. We got married and had a baby. Then he began treating me really badly. Emotional abuse aside, he was spending hundreds on gambling sites when our baby was a few months old. He started manufacturing arguments so he had a "reason" to leave at night and then he'd stay out doing coke for nights on end. Eventually I found the strength to kick him out after I found out he'd been cheating with men and women. Sorry but I don't believe people who habitually gamble and take cocaine are good people. Maybe they are to start with, I don't know, but they certainly aren't in the end. Save yourself the heartache. This man will bring you nothing but misery.

I have been in your shoes. Honestly leave now. Cocaine is the route of all evil and it is very very hard to come off when addicted, plus you mention the gambling addiction too. It's too chaotic and unfortunately likely he won't change. Do not have children with this man

You cannot save him from himself. If he chooses to behave like this eventually his life will self destruct. Don't allow yourself to be dragged down into his mess and definitely not children. Walk away while you can. Anyone who gambles, does drugs, drinks heavily is effectively stealing from their partner and children and prioritising themselves.

You will grow stronger if you properly own your own part in this overall dysfunctional relationship and have therapy to unlearn all the crap you have learnt about relationships till now.

Your boundaries, skewed as they already are, are being further eroded by this individual now. Your relationship choices have been poor and there are reasons for this. Are you really all that surprised that your mother and sister have poor relationships too?. You should not be.

OP it's not your job to fix him, he's a grown adult. Don't feel guilted into something you're not 100% comfortable with. If your gut is telling you to go then please follow it.

If he's telling you he wins a lot more than he loses he's lying to you and himself. There's only one winner in the gambling world and it's never the punter.

You're already bailing him out by making sure the end of month essentials are in the cupboard and without a firm commitment to the hard yards stopping gambling and drug use entails that can only escalate.

Are you happy to be his safety net unless or until he's willing to change or do you deserve 110% better?

He is spending like 900 a month on gambling

You cannot save him
You need to extrucatd from joint mortgage now.
He us an adult who chooses to live this way or has an addiction you can never cure
Not your mess to sort out
Do not have achild with this manchild

OP
Not in order of importance...

1. You say you are always looking after someone? I'm assuming you don't prioritise your own safety, security and wellbeing? Perhaps channel that energy into truly looking after yourself. I don't mean eating your veg and drinking enough water. I mean, don't give in to the notion that love means compromising your emotional health and financial security. It doesn't.

2. Stop making excuses for him. People have ADHD but still manage to live healthy lives. You don't have to sacrifice one second of your precious life propping someone else up. A healthy relationship will never demand that of you to ensure its existence.

3. Stop, stop stop doing coke. Yes I'm being old and judgy. A family member recently dies instantly from coke cut with fentanyl. It's rife. Just, bloody stop it.

You be and your life partner are supposed to be a team. Does it feel like you are a team?? It doesn’t sound like it.

You are clearly a loving caring person but you would be better off channeling that into a volunteer role and yourself. You need to love yourself enough to live the best life that you can. Please end it and take some time to figure out what a healthy partnership looks like. It sounds like you don’t have great examples of that in your life.

@DerbyshireMama thats exactly how I feel like when we do coke we have some sort of deep relationship and now i do it less I dont understand him as I dont have to do it but now hes lying and letting me down. Thankyou for posting from experience. I really feel like I need to get out from a lot of you tonight, you have really helped me clarify and process my thoughts xx