Confused, gambling, cocaine partner

[TetherEnd2021]

k, I'm not really sure where to start but just feel I need to reach out for advice or support of some sort.
I have been with my partner 2 years and this year we bought a house with a joint mortgage. For the 1st year I knew he enjoyed gambling a bit but it took me a while to recognise the 100 he said he spent a month gambling was actually 600.
He gets paid very well but still runs out every month and I end up paying for bread, milk, little bits and bobs at the end of the month on half his wage. It took a while to realise as it was quite subtle. At the same time he has been taking coke most weekends, usually with me and a group of friends and even though it's not something I'm particuarly bothered about I have joined in but can say no. Recently it's become apparent he is doing it on his own when I'm in bed, being completely irresponsible with money and I can't trust him to be honest with me.
I'm trying hard to lead a healthier life and he doesn't seem to want to change. It feels like now I'm aware of the truth he just does it blatantly as much as he likes. There have been lots of occassions where I have said please can you not do it around your family or my friends, or its a school night, Im not joining in etc etc and he will have a few drinks and them just start saying lets get some coke in to whoever is there.
I recognise I have enabled the situation but he has been doing it for years before I met him and I have only done it once or twice before we met and I know I can go without and he will just lie and get it once Im in bed on his own.
We don't have children but talk about it in the future, I suppose Im writing because I can't believe he will ever change or be able to, he just says what I want to hear then goes behind my back.
For most of you reading it's an obvious choice to leave him but I worry about him and care for his wellfare. He has a lot of behviours which are eccentric, loud, amusing, charismatic but also forgetful, disorganised, can't do any household chores without breaking something, doesnt pay attention when I listen to him and often zones out, leaves door wide open, hob on, just dangerous stuff.....hence why I worry, but Im also wondering if he has ADHD and this is causing his impulsive behaviours with addiction and gambling.
He can be very kind and loving and I feel like he means well and can be supportive if Im really upset...if only for a short while. Im confused because everyone seems to think hes great and will make a good dad and I just worry too much. I feel like I worry for good reason and they just dont live with him and can't see him for who he is.
Also he gambles on one sport a year and he tends to win alot more than he loses. (From what I know) so am I being over dramatic or is this a sign of something else e.g ADHD or is he just an ass.

I also have 10k of his savings in my savings account so he doesnt blow it.

Mate, you shouldn't have to be mammy/nanny/bank manager/administrator to a grown adult.

Somehow, somewhere, with all your nannying, he'll fk you up. Gamblers always do. You don't want kids with this guy. So if you want kids, get searching for a different candidate. If not, it's up to you if you want to play nanny with a gambler ongoing.

The coke thing is not good either.

As for loving him, I find you can fall in love with anyone you fancy, like and spend sufficient time around; you can meet someone else you'll fall in love with. Someone who doesnt spent 600 quid a month on gambling, uses class a drugs, makes you pay for essentials in your household aka lives off you, etc etc.

(And whose savings account you have to control so he doesn't throw it away on gambling).

That is not a stable, functional person regardless of him holding down a job.

I just dont want to give up on him.

Saviour/martyr complex (alongside loving him).

You wouldn't be giving up on him, you'd be looking after yourself and your future children, doing the right thing for yourself and your future children.

Do you think it's your failure; how he is whether he'll change or not .... it's not. Its his failure.

You need to look out for yourself. If you proceed, knowing what you know about this guy, you are not looking out for yourself.

He's already making you subsidise him for essentials, abd hes not temporarily unemployed or anything, he's blowing his his on gambling; that's not a good partner.

I also have 10k of his savings in my savings account so he doesnt blow it.

Another point on this; he knows you're so reliable, sensible and trustworthy that he'll put ten grand into your bank account!

You on the other hand know he's so unreliable, lacking in sense, and untrustworthy that you feel you better keep hjs savings in your account where he can't now them .. ....

Do you think you're maybe selling yourself short with him as your partner??

*blow them

Seriously you are wondering about having a kid with a Coke and gambling problem who can't even get bread and milk out of his wage and pisses a grand on drugs and betting ( that you know of) a month away. You have to ask MN what they think?
What makes you think things are going to get better when he can't even respect you enough to limit the days he does Coke.

Everyone will think he is great if they are seeing his party side. You aren't though. What's it going to be like when he needs a big fix or take a bigger risk on a bet? You will always be left to pick up the pieces. Do you think you won't resent that over time , even if you haven't got children. Can you imagine what's it's going to be like with a couple of kids?

After a year together you have a joint mortgage? Honestly this is crackers when you already jknew he was gambling.
You
I've seen many men like this over my life so far. Some unfortunately got tangled up with my friends who unwisely thought they weren't too bad and had children with them. It never ended well!

You've got time to get out, have a fresh start and get with someone stable who will genuimpnly be a good dad. Being a good dad is more than just being fun and loving. It's about taking responsibility and being part of a team. You haven't even got that now.

Please listen and get out. Giving timelines to change rarely works and when they are given by a partner they are usually resented. People have to change because they want to and your bloke doesn't.
I just dont want to give up on him You are going to be better saving yourself and getting out of this mess because at some point it is likely to become a massive shit storm.

You are still young to have a fresh start and a fabulous life. I know it's hard ( I had to start again but for different reasons ) but believe in yourself and set yourself free.

@TetherEnd2021

A lot of these comments arent helpful. As I have said I check his bank statements when they come through, I also have access to his bank account whenever Ive asked and I keep hold of money from him every month to cover extra costs. Ive checked my credit rating just now and as I suspected its fine. I also have 10k of his savings in my savings account so he doesnt blow it. Therefore if he did fuck up on a months or twos mortgage the house would be on the market and I would take the money from his savings to pay for it. You're all acting like Im really stupid and havent thought anything through. I understand what gamblers and addicts can be like and I do love him. The rescuer thing maybe partly true but I came here thinking I should leave him and not 100 per cent sure that he would change in the future. You all telling me a mug is just disrespectful. Its none of you that have just started fresh away from friends family and a new job etc and now have to reverse it all. Its a big decision and not one I take lightly

This post shows you are a fully functioning responsible adult....who is wiping their partners arse. There have been some comments on this thread that come across as harsh or judgemental and when one is in crisis or contemplating life changing decisions they are hard to read.

Op you will survive this either way but I doubt this is the adult life you envisaged. I wish you all he best x

You’ve had loads of good advice on this thread and I really hope you take it on board and get out of this situation.

I know you’ve said you’re not thinking about kids right now. But. You’re 32/33 which of course is still young, but probably not young enough to waste any more time with someone who is totally unsuitable to be in a relationship with, let alone to have children with.

Take this from me as a new-ish mum (same age as you!), who has (like most mums) found becoming a mum a bit of an emotional rollercoaster: someone you have to take care of this much is not someone you should ever have kids with. You’ll be tied to him for life, and he will only ever make your life harder. Go through some of the posts on here from some of the women who have been in your situation and have gone on to have kids with their partners, and you’ll see what your potential future holds.

And thinking about these hypothetical children, the true victims in situations like this. They will have to cope with the disappointment and heartbreak of a chaotic, unreliable dad who hurts and mistreats their mum, which will be emotionally damaging for them. In staying with this bloke you would be actively choosing that future for them.

Get out now before you’re even more tied into this mess. Find someone who will be your team mate and support you as much as you support them. You really do deserve that in a relationship!

Op please listen to me very carefully.

This happened to someone I know. She ended up losing her house and all her savings as her husband had spent every penny they had on coke and was not brining home a wage because he was using it all to buy coke. He was also in dept from buying it. He sold all their belongings including sentimental items. They have 4 kids and he takes coke morning, noon and night even when with them and has never been able to put them all first. Shes now a single parent with no home, all her savings gone and no stability for her children. It got worse and worse over the years of their marriage. He has tried to ger help and detox/rehab etc but he's just too far in and they addiction remains unfortunately.

Its none of you that have just started fresh away from friends family and a new job etc and now have to reverse it all. Its a big decision and not one I take lightly
Don't be so sure of that!
I moved miles away from my home town and when I got beaten black and blue with my blood splattered over the bathroom wall and asked for help I was told by my mother you made your bed, lie in it.
I had to start in a new town where I didn't know anyone or have a job.

I didn't go back to my Home town but I took ownership of my life and piece by piece built it to the life I wanted and eventually got.

You sound intelligent and you too can do the same.
Just believe in yourself and stop rescuing men who are a bloody liability to women.

You shouldn't have to take control of his finances to prevent him from blowing it on his addictions.

You've been given the perspective from people who have been in your position. It's hard because the relationship changes so gradually where certain damaging behaviours become normalised. Once you're out of it you'll see it with a fresh pair of eyes. Some of the responses here might be blunt but they're coming from a good place.
He won't change without serious help and even with that it's a difficult road. The desire to change needs to come from him for it to be successful, otherwise you'll push against each other and you'll be hurt over and over. If he does successfully combat his addictions then it could mean a whole change life as you know it. Especially when it comes to socialising. He would need to avoid any triggers which could mean you would need to too.

The way you stop this from happening again is to avoid men who hold the same traits as your current partner. OLD isn't the be all end all. Don't stay in a relationship like this because there are idiots who use OLD for easy sex. The screen between you makes rejection a bit easier on their ego than if they approached you like that irl.

You need to think about what standard of living you want to have and how you see your future. Unfortunately it's more likely that your relationship will deteriorate.

I had a partner in my late teens/early 20s who sounds similar. A lovely person but had issues with drink, drugs, spending money we didn't have, wasn't able to hold down a job for any length of time. I loved him to absolute pieces and I don't doubt that he loved me. For a long time I thought/hoped I could help him. I eventually realised he was just dragging me down. It absolutely broke my heart when we finally split up, and I think his too.

I'm now married to a lovely man, we have children and a nice house and decent jobs. We've had our ups and downs of course but life is generally happy and stable.

My ex is a skint alcoholic with a string of failed relationships behind him and a child he rarely sees. It's really sad as he's a decent guy but his own worst enemy and absolutely not someone I could ever have had a happy life with.

My advice would be to walk away now.

You're being rude. Loads of us have been in this exact same situation and gotten out of it, started again from scratch. Dont wait for it to get worse. Loads have also sought support to make sure you don't make the same mistakes again. Don't be aggressive to people who have survived this and worse.

You originally posted about the possibility of having a child with this man - hardly the most sensible idea!

The advice you have been given has mostly come from those of us who have LIVED what you are living through and/or what you expect a child to live through

You are getting the benefit of our experience - don't be churlish!

In addition I would bet a number of us HAVE been far from friends and family and had to start all over again with nothing - and some of us have had to do this with responsibility for a child too!

My marriage broke down due to his infidelity. He was army we had been living there less than 6 months, no friends or family nearby, in the space of 3 months I had to deal with losing my job (childminder - why will become apparent), my home (we were in married quarters which meant I had 90 days to find somewhere to live), he took the car, the computer and various other valuables in a sneaky "raid" one day/night without warning, he emptied the joint accounts and left me literally penniless...

I had to borrow money from a neighbour JUST to feed dd as back then bank transfers weren't as quick/easy my parents sent me a PO giro to cover me while I waited on benefits kicking in/while I looked for a job/nursery for dd/new home!

The council messed me about on housing telling me they'd no responsibility to house us because ex was army and I'd no "connection" to the area in the way of family or a job. My (weirdly Tory) Mp actually really stepped up there and kicked their butts into helping us.

I found a full time job and nursery place just before first benefits payment came in, but between the hours and the commute that meant belting it to and from the bus every day

So yes actually I DO know what it's like to be penniless, very close to homeless WITH a toddler, no money coming in, missing meals so dd was fed, and starting over from scratch with nothing to work with!

You would be better employed using this pent up anger and fire in your belly on the person who has put you in the position you are now in; him rather than us

Yep!

We aren't the ones who put you where you are now.

Happy to help/advise you to get out of it but ultimately that's up to you

but how do I prevent this happening again

You get some therapy for the co-dependency and "rescuer" issues from a good well qualified therapist ("counsellor" is not a protected title anyone can call themselves that)

You learn about red flags and how to spot them and avoid them

You practice being comfortable in your own company and not having to feel "needed"

You build your confidence and self esteem and ability to assert yourself (loads of assertiveness courses online, personally I think they should be part of pshe in curriculum - would solve a LOT of problems)

You learn about setting and maintaining boundaries in ALL your relationships

I would strongly suggest NO dating for at least a year.

@AttilaTheMeerkat - great minds!

Then when you do go back to it, maybe not old, meet people "organically" not looking for a relationship but keeping busy and being sociable (and I don't mean just pubs/clubs) do things that are meaningful and that really speak to who you are and then you will meet likeminded people who aren't just about drinking/clubbing/gambling etc

Can I ask how you met him?

It's not the online dating responses that mean you need counselling it's all the other stuff!

But also OLD at your age does rather tend to attract mostly men who are only interested in sex - that's not you that's the combo of OLD and your age I'm afraid. Bet you're also getting a fair few responses from older and married men? Sadly too many men think "desperate for a baby at this point and will take whatever crumbs are offered" it may be impolitic to say so but that's my experience/observation.

I'm long term single after splitting from ex due to his very out of character infidelity (so out of character his parents thought he must be having a breakdown - he wasn't)

We were together almost 13 years and married 10 but admittedly we were very young I was 22 when we married, but that was mainly cos he was in the army and it's easier/cheaper to move with them if married.

I've since dated on occasion had a couple of more serious relationships that didn't pan out through no real fault on either side.

The 1st after ex was cos I couldn't have any more dc after dd medically, he thought he was ok with that but didn't have dc of his own and as time went on he came to realise he did want dc of his own and I couldn't put him through that so I ended things, he's now married with 3 dc and he and his wife are still friends of mine.

The next was quite early stages but promising when she (I'm bi) got offered an amazing career opportunity overseas and ultimately I decided I couldn't follow

And don't think just because someone has issues of their own that they can't correctly assess yours, sometimes that's WHY.

My mum is in al anon still, even though dad not an active alcoholic for many years. She still finds it helpful herself but is also a source of support and advice to new members cos she gets it!

Hindsight is a great teacher!

Many of us on mn have a lot of life experience

Certain issues are widespread in our society too - addiction is very much one of these! It's far more common than many realise. As are other Mh issues, chronic illness, sexism etc

Better to be single and safe and happy than with someone like him, it really is.

Definitely!

I WISH someone had said that to me years ago. When I first split from ex I worried about being single, being a single mum and the stigma with that, loneliness, boredom, losing friends as result possibly etc

Especially as we'd been together since I was a teen! I'd never really been single as an adult until then.

Turns out there was nothing to worry about, took a wee while to adjust of course it did after 13 years together.

Now I love being single!

I'm not averse to meeting someone but I'm not looking for it specifically.

We as women are socialised into thinking that we have lesser value if we're not in a relationship especially younger women.

Dd has also just recently met someone after about 18 months single - her choice.

She was wanting to concentrate on her studies and sort some other things out, she's a busy lass and knows what she wants.

Suggesting therapy isn't an insult! To be honest it's insulting you have that attitude to Mh support.

It's a helpful idea! Frankly I think most people could use therapy at some point in their lives, it's incredibly helpful and cathartic and can even be interesting. I've been in therapy for YEARS!

I have ocd is why but we discuss everything that affects me - good and bad. Some therapists are good others not you have to choose carefully, you also need to "click" with them, I've rejected a couple as we simply didn't gel. I've had 2 really excellent ones. The 1st buggered off to the other side of the world due to sick parents "back home" the 2nd is my current therapist who has been incredibly helpful through a really tough year!

We can only go on what you've said, you yourself mentioned the codependency and "rescuer" elements

As I said earlier I am the child of an alcoholic, many on that side of the family have various other addictions and I've lost someone very dear to me to Coke addiction so on that, yes I think I am qualified to comment on the basis of personal experience

I am also heartened there's some anger in there, that may well prove extremely helpful to you - if properly directed

Something I learned in therapy/came to light? That partly why I have the ocd is because I had NO control in my chaotic and fraught childhood. Ocd is largely about control and perfectionism, seeking to "make things right" to have some order in a chaotic existence. I couldn't make mum leave him, I couldn't stop him drinking or being abusive, I couldn't "fix" my family so I tried/try to "fix" the things in my life that I can.

Growing up with and addicted parent:

Never knowing what mood they'll be in and treading on eggshells CONSTANTLY to avoid "making" them have a bad mood

Not enough money for basic needs

Dreading the next "binge"

Dreading things like Xmas as that gives them an excuse to indulge their addiction

Feeling different to other kids but not really being able to understand or express why

Being embarrassed when addict parent is drunk/high and does something impulsive/reckless

Getting in the car with them driving you somewhere and not knowing if their safe to drive and being TERRIFIED of each journey but not feeling safe to say so or refuse to get in the car

Home ALWAYS being tense due to moods/outbursts/violence

Not feeling able to invite friends for sleepovers as they might notice something and tell people

Not feeling safe in your own home - not always due to dv/abuse but if drugs/gambling are involved perhaps due to dodgy dealers/bookies chasing money owed etc (one of my relatives was actually held for ransom because of their parents gambling debts to a gang)

Hiding valuable items so the addict doesn't sell them/steal them

Worrying about losing your home due to the debt caused - gambling relative has lost TWO owned homes over the years.

That's just a few of them the list goes on and on!

Haven't RTFT. Because it seems to have deviated from the question.

OP you might it useful to talk to FRANK.

Wrt having children remember that cocaine use by the parents can affect the baby so best not.

You were me 18 months ago. My ex was sweet, kind , charismatic, loving, playful, just a gorgeous soul BUT the flip side of that was a lying, drug addicted, selfish, erratic, moody toddler.

He suckered me in with the loving charming character and kept the real him hidden for a good couple of years.
He told me he did coke but only had it on big nights out. Yep I believed him.

He was working with a good job, got laid off - that was real, but after that it was job after job, he could never hold one down.

After he got sacked from his last job he spent the last of his wages on a Coke binge. He ended up having a cocaine induced seizure in his car! Luckily no one else was hurt, just him. He couldn't walk for six months, he lost his driving license and to this day is unemployed.

I found out it was a cocaine induced seizure but worse still that he had had half a dozen of these seizures in the past.
All of his family knew and not one of them ever warned me- I kind of understand but it still pissed me off.

He said never again, but yep you guessed it, he did it again.

I was like you, I'd had a dabble in the past but it's not something I took to but I like you felt the connection to him more if I'd had some. I realised that a chemical connection is akin to trauma bonding. It's not a real connection at all. You think it is at the time but realise that without it........

I was a stable, sensible, responsible person with a good job, savings etc, but I was also a good buffer for him when he was skint. He had big plans with nothing and no actions to back them up. I'm pretty sure your at the point now where your sick of being the only adult in the relationship. It really does become a tiring and lonely place to be.

I tried to support him and I did for a couple of years after the car seizure thing but as I said once he was up and about he was back at it, adding insult to injury as I was supporting him financially as well.

I finished it 18 months ago and kicked him out. I was physically, emotionally and financially drained. I really tried to help him but I realised that it had to come from him wanting to better himself and that was never going to happen.

Think about yourself, your happiness, your future, about having someone YOU can rely on as much as they rely on you. In a relationship you should be a team.

@TetherEnd2021 I have worked in the ADHD area for many years.

Nobody “has” ADHD, they are ADHD (this in adults studies show nearly half of children grow out of it)

While those with ADHD can be impulsive , they will still know right from wrong. They will still see suffering and how they caused it.

Honestly, there is so much untrue information on this forum and others about it. Don’t for one moment think that he wouldn’t be able to recognize the pain and other things he’s causing.

ADHD has a high comorbidity rate. Nearly 40%. But the overwhelming comorbidity is depression.

Don’t self diagnose anyone into a bucket you don’t understand. It’s really ignorant at best, but detrimental to you at the worst. ADHD isn’t an excuse.

Granted ADHD lends itself to self medication. It does not take away your ability to understand right and wrong.

I’m writing this for you OP but also for others… it’s insane how many people in this forum are not trained in these areas. I’d expect at least one person to pop their head in… nope.

You can with your head held high kick an ADHD bastard to the curb.

@TetherEnd2021

Anyway Im not commenting again, my words are getting twisted. I was looking for people in a similar situation to help me come to decision. I had a lot of helpful responses last night. This morning it's just people getting at me and people who havent commented they have experienced anything simolar so who cant really relate to this situation. Thank you anyway.

A close relative has just been through eight years of this with her partner and father of her children. He’s charming, bright, talented at what he does and completely unreliable because the addiction comes first, second and last. Now he’s left her for someone else and she is distraught at being left on her own and holding the dream that he was going to get better and they were going to be a proper family together. It was all a dream from the beginning, she couldn’t see it, and still can’t. I’m sure if he turned up she would take him back in a heartbeat. Don’t be that person hanging onto a dream. I get that you love him and he obviously has good qualities, but he’s not good husband and father material. If that’s what you want, children and a reliable partner, he is not the one for that.

I have first hand experience of this exact situation and have been in it for 15 years. The only difference is that I have had two children with him.

Please leave, it won’t get better and do not have children with him!

I am currently still trying to find my way out and know that I will have years and years of healing to do. I am so emotionally damaged and have been in situations that no one should put up with because of it.

Feel free to message me if you want to know anything more specific.

[quote TetherEnd2021]@Dery thankyou, those are words of wisdom and I appriciate you taking the time to read everything though and consider it. Do you think I should even try to help and make things work or just give up now?[/quote]
Now

How are things @TetherEnd2021 ? I'm in a similar situation 😞