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Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Original poster

Confused, gambling, cocaine partner

149 replies

TetherEnd2021 · 02/11/2021 18:30

k, I'm not really sure where to start but just feel I need to reach out for advice or support of some sort.
I have been with my partner 2 years and this year we bought a house with a joint mortgage. For the 1st year I knew he enjoyed gambling a bit but it took me a while to recognise the 100 he said he spent a month gambling was actually 600.
He gets paid very well but still runs out every month and I end up paying for bread, milk, little bits and bobs at the end of the month on half his wage. It took a while to realise as it was quite subtle. At the same time he has been taking coke most weekends, usually with me and a group of friends and even though it's not something I'm particuarly bothered about I have joined in but can say no. Recently it's become apparent he is doing it on his own when I'm in bed, being completely irresponsible with money and I can't trust him to be honest with me.
I'm trying hard to lead a healthier life and he doesn't seem to want to change. It feels like now I'm aware of the truth he just does it blatantly as much as he likes. There have been lots of occassions where I have said please can you not do it around your family or my friends, or its a school night, Im not joining in etc etc and he will have a few drinks and them just start saying lets get some coke in to whoever is there.
I recognise I have enabled the situation but he has been doing it for years before I met him and I have only done it once or twice before we met and I know I can go without and he will just lie and get it once Im in bed on his own.
We don't have children but talk about it in the future, I suppose Im writing because I can't believe he will ever change or be able to, he just says what I want to hear then goes behind my back.
For most of you reading it's an obvious choice to leave him but I worry about him and care for his wellfare. He has a lot of behviours which are eccentric, loud, amusing, charismatic but also forgetful, disorganised, can't do any household chores without breaking something, doesnt pay attention when I listen to him and often zones out, leaves door wide open, hob on, just dangerous stuff.....hence why I worry, but Im also wondering if he has ADHD and this is causing his impulsive behaviours with addiction and gambling.
He can be very kind and loving and I feel like he means well and can be supportive if Im really upset...if only for a short while. Im confused because everyone seems to think hes great and will make a good dad and I just worry too much. I feel like I worry for good reason and they just dont live with him and can't see him for who he is.
Also he gambles on one sport a year and he tends to win alot more than he loses. (From what I know) so am I being over dramatic or is this a sign of something else e.g ADHD or is he just an ass.

OP posts:
Original poster
TetherEnd2021 · 02/11/2021 19:21

@AttilaTheMeerkat @Rainbowqueeen as I said its not that I want children right now. I just dont want to give up on him. And regarding ADHD thats something I havent discussed in depth as the cocaine and the gambling are the main issues here as they should be. I was just wondering if there was a link. He is constantly fidgeting, pacing, cant sit still, he can't concentrate on anything, hes clumsy and breaks things, he forgets and loses everything....this last week hes left the hob on twice, left his keys in the front door, lost his debuit card, interupts me all the time etc etc....there is definately something else going on. Hes always hyper and manic and I know ADHD can cause impulsivity and risk taking behaviours...

OP posts:
ChaToilLeam · 02/11/2021 19:22

Run, don’t walk, away from this man. He cannot be a good partner or father and you cannot fix him. You could waste your thirties trying to reform him and end up broke, miserable and back on your own while your fertility runs out. Don’t do it to yourself.

Original poster
TetherEnd2021 · 02/11/2021 19:24

@Dery my gut tells me to go, I always hoped I would settle down and really thought he was the one for the first year but things just seem to be getting worse, a few good days in a few bad months. I think I know the answer I just need to do it. I just feel sad we have a beautiful house, i moved away from friends and family and got a new job to be here as I dont drive, I cant afford to live near work on my wage and I just hoped things would improve. I just feel deflated and sad

OP posts:
Bumpsadaisie · 02/11/2021 19:27

@TetherEnd2021

Ok, so obviously kids is not on my mind at the moment but I posted here because that would be a future goal. Right now its more a question should I stay and try and help him and things may get to that stage of kids or should I just walk and think it will never get better? Thankyou for all your posts btw I really am feeling quite alone and needing support, i dont have close family and moved to nearer his home ground and dont drive so Im quite isolated atm
You can't help him.

He has to want to and he wants to do the work of changing.

You are separate from him and you can't do it for him.

Original poster
TetherEnd2021 · 02/11/2021 19:27

Also this is all I seem to know my last partner was an alcoholic, i always seem to be looking after someone and think is the grass greener

OP posts:
Original poster
TetherEnd2021 · 02/11/2021 19:28

My mum and sister have shut relationships, my best friends partner has just been taken away by social services. Noone seems to be happy around me. I just dont know..

OP posts:
Bumpsadaisie · 02/11/2021 19:29

You're 33?

You are not over the hill by any means but nor do you have all the time in the world!

You need to seriously evaluate things.

Hoppinggreen · 02/11/2021 19:29

Should you have a baby with an erratic gambling coke Head who can’t even be trusted to close a door?
Hmmmmm, lets have a think shall we?

AnyFucker · 02/11/2021 19:30

He’s coked up to the eyeballs, fgs

Stop trying to medicalise it. You are throwing your life away on a drug addict. Don’t throw away your future children’s too. You have a choice, they do not.

Original poster
TetherEnd2021 · 02/11/2021 19:31

@Hoppinggreen really helpful thanks. I dont want any more or your advice thankyou

OP posts:
AnyFucker · 02/11/2021 19:31

I fucking despair sometimes

Obecalp · 02/11/2021 19:32

If it was just some recreational gambling or coke use every now and again, e.g a couple times a year, I think it wouldn't too bad. But it sounds like this is more a weekly thing and points to addiction/dependency.

My DP gambles, but not big money. He got some free bets and won money on them and just kept using that won money to place more bets. It's completely manageable.

Neither your DPs gambling nor his drug use sound like they are manageable.

Original poster
TetherEnd2021 · 02/11/2021 19:33

@AnyFucker whether or not you like my thought process I am here to vent and explore ideas and hopefully come to a conclusion. I am not being rude to you so please go elsewhere if you just want to be patronising

OP posts:
Original poster
TetherEnd2021 · 02/11/2021 19:35

@Obecalp yes you are right I thought him being honest about it and me looking after his money made it manageable but as I said its become more a situation Im enabling and being his mum giving him pocket money which isnt sustainable

OP posts:
Obecalp · 02/11/2021 19:35

is constantly fidgeting, pacing, cant sit still, he can't concentrate on anything, hes clumsy and breaks things, he forgets and loses everything....this last week hes left the hob on twice, left his keys in the front door, lost his debuit card, interupts me all the time etc etc

I understand you. I am not a coke head nor an alcoholic or anything like that, but I am also quite forgetful and clumsy, I break things, have left hobs on, locked self out of the house, lost so many bank cards!!!! Grin

However, with the pacing and not being able to sit still, this could all well be related to the coke use.

He would have to stop using cocaine completely for months to be able to determine if the behaviours you mentioned are linked to the drug abuse, or are symptoms of something else that are just made worse by it.

CanIPleaseHaveOne · 02/11/2021 19:37

@TetherEnd2021

Yeah I know you're right it's just difficult because if I ask him to help out more with chores he will try his hardest, if I need some support he will be there. I have seen him with children and animals and he is very loving but obviously the addictions are not worth the effort. I just feel really sad and letdown but hope that things could change. Ive asked him to see a doctor and he has booked an appintment and says he doesnt want this to end and will try harder. He has made an effort in lots of ways...
His forgetfullness is more than likely driven by his come down or need for more coke.

I strongly advise you to get out of your combined mortgage, and never to have child with him.

You cannot fix him. Only he can fix him.

Until that time every single thing you do is wasted, and every single time he tells you that he will change/stop/not lie/ is a stalling tactic.

Buyer be very aware.

Original poster
TetherEnd2021 · 02/11/2021 19:40

@Obecalp I have thought about this and said to him Im worried about his health as he constantly twitches in his sleep etc. Its sometimes unbearable to sleep next to him. He thinks hes invincible. God I just know how many issues there are but they creep up on you and Im trying to be strong and keep it together. This talk is really helping me process my thoughts and givibg me clarity as I never have the opportunity to talk things throygh, you just get on with things

OP posts:
hamstersarse · 02/11/2021 19:44

Do. Not. Have. A. Child. With. This. Man.

When people are saying he has issues. He does. They are way beyond you. Something is going on with this man, totally out of your control.

You won't and can't fix him

It's sad. But the reality is he will ruin your life.

nitsandwormsdodger · 02/11/2021 19:45

This will not get better it will only get worse
Sorry

VerveClique · 02/11/2021 19:45

Parenthood is really fucking difficult sometimes even when you have enough money, enough space, enough time and you’re both healthy.

Just stop this relationship.

Get your ducks in a row.

Then do it.

If he asks, just say, I’m leaving because I don’t see us having a future together.

That’s it.

Then start again. Move away if you have to.

LMBoston · 02/11/2021 19:48

If it wasn’t for the fact that my ex has been in residential rehab since April, I’d have thought you were talking about him. Alcohol/coke/gambling. Right down to the manic clumsiness and total disorganisation. My life was utterly chaotic — financially, emotionally, domestically, everything — for two years until I snapped and kicked him out (he was homeless from then on until rehab). He was handsome, talented, bright, extremely funny, very kind… but his whole life was a car crash.

He and I are in our forties. Unless your partner really wants to change his life, this is how it will end up. And he has to want to change it for himself, not just “for you”; that way madness lies. I got pregnant for the first time at 42 (long story) and knew that, despite his protestations of “I’ll change,” it would be a disaster and it would be irresponsible (not to mention irreversible) to bring a child into this madhouse. So I had a termination. It would have been so much better had I never got myself into that situation and split as soon as the red flags were rolled out.

TLDR: this won’t end well. I’ll bet (pardon the pun) you stay with him for a good while longer yet, until the constant stress, worry and upheaval becomes unbearable. But for the love of Mike, do not get pregnant. You have a lot of life ahead of you, and this man is not someone you want to be tied to forever. Don’t be me!

Obecalp · 02/11/2021 19:50

him Im worried about his health as he constantly twitches in his sleep

My DP doesn't do coke. He does smoke weed sometimes. He twitches in his sleep every night. This is why, to determine if it's coke related, he would need to stop taking it. However, to may still not be able to tell, the damage may already be done.

Duckrace · 02/11/2021 19:51

Utterly bonkers to have kids with him. There's no future in it for you unless he really wants to change. He doesn't, does he?

Opentooffers · 02/11/2021 19:53

You are 32, time is not on your side. You don't have years for him to clean himself up - if he ever does. Let's face it, he's getting on a bit to still be doing this shit so he's been doing it a long time.
Bad move buying a house together, but prices are on the rise, so you should get your money back when you sell. I think get out asap, 2 years and minimal ties is a far better time to get out.
Start by telling him you want out, see how he reacts. Preferably don't tell him when he's had coke or just lost heavily so you are extra pissed off at him. Pick a general moment, during an average day to seriously tell him that you need to split.
I think you can expect that you will be at least late 30's before DC realistically, you've moved into this far too quick before knowing him - should date 2 years before moving to next level IMO.

Pinkstegosaurus · 02/11/2021 19:53

OP I really hope you get some distance from this man because it seems like you want to be told that he will miraculously change his ways and become the partner you need. It’s ok to still love and care for him but your needs to have a functional family and happiness need to come first especially if you want children. I wish the best for you.