Actions showing love even if it’s not been said?

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Hello all,

Just after your thoughts…
I’ve been seeing a new partner for around 4 months and have fallen for him totally. We have moved from seeing each other twice a week, to staying over on a weekend and now see each other around 5 nights a week so all going great. I love him and I have told him this. He has not said it back but had said he finds it hard to say and says he tries to show me with his actions instead … I guess I do feel loved/cared for but I don’t want to stay if he doesn’t/never will love me as life is too short for that! I guess what I’m asking is, should I trust in his actions without the woods go back it up? I know why he struggles to express his emotions and understand it.

He certainly seems to care very much at least and I do feel loved. He’s affectionate and attentive.

I was poorly one evening at his so he ran me a bath, got a hot water bottle and made me a drink.

After a difficult work day where I came in cold and tired, he warmed the bed with a hot water bottle while I was in the bath.

He brings me tea in bed every morning if he is out for work before me.

I told him I love the sound of the sea and long drives so he picked me up and drove to seafront about an hour away where we sat with take away tea listening to the sea and talking.

He picks up sweet treats he knows I like and gets in my favourite drinks.

He’s watched movies that make his eyes role (soppy stuff) when I’ve mentioned that I like them.

He’s picked up on my favourite music eras/artists snd bought CDs he thinks I’ll like for my car.

He’s come out in the evening when I’ve broken down and fixed the car.

The list goes on …. Most of all he makes me laugh, calls when he says he will, treats me well and is affectionate.

Does this sound like he does love me back? Or is at least on his way…. It’s hard for me as words of affirmation is definitely high on my ‘love languages’ which is an area he struggles with.

Actually he has said he loves me once but it was in his sleep so I’ve not told him as I don’t want to embarrass him. Im guessing I can’t trust an ‘I love you too darling’ said as he drifted off to sleep.’ He was unaware he’d said it back!

Would you rather he said I love you but didn't show it?

If it's a deal breaker for you, it's a deal breaker, everyone's different. If you feel loved then that should be enough.

They are only words at the end of the day that we've applied great meaning to.

It is very hard to say these words. My parents have never said it to me but I know they do. Not a big deal. I say it to my kids all the time but it was hard and not normal for me in the beginning. It's normal for them to say it to me now and me them, but if I never said it to them they would probably struggle to say it now and as adults.

Personally I think people attach ridiculous amounts of meaning to a couple of words and ignore lots of really shitty actions. This board is full of "but I love him"s when they are being treated like garbage by men who find it is to say "but I love you, babe".
He sounds like a keeper to me but more importantly than love is do your life's ambitions tie in?

Sometimes actions speak louder than words. Anyone can say I Love You, but love is much more than a phrase.

I understand not feeling the urge to say it, or not being used to it, but actually refusing to, and claiming it's hard? If someone asks because they need to hear it, shouldn't it be easy to say if it's true?

I think if his actions show that he loves you and agree that actions speak louder than words. If he wasn't saying it or showing it, that would be a problem. If he was saying it but not showing it, that would be a problem. Not saying it akd showing it is far less of a problem although I do understand about needing to hear it properly, even just once, so that you know that is the reason behind him doing these things and that it's not just that he does them because he's the sort of person who is motivated to do kind things for people because that's the sort of person he sees himself as being.

You could ask him if he does. He might find it easier to answer the question than say the words for himself.

He has told you that he finds it difficult to say it but tries to show it instead and that is what he is doing.

Is he verbally expressive in other ways? Does he compliment you? Does he show verbal appreciation for who you are as a person in other ways?

Sounds like my partner. He struggles to say the words, but his actions show he loves me. Better to be with someone like that than someone who thinks saying 'I love you' negates all their previous shitty behaviour.

It’s only been 4 months!

Agree with what pp have said - actions matter much more. Is it also possible that he isn't quite there yet? Four months is plenty of time for some people to fall in love, but nowhere near enough for others. It took me two years to fall in love (I mean the heady lust feeling) with my now husband. I didn't say 'i love you' to him until I meant it, and he didn't say it to me either, though he did love me much earlier, so as not to put me on the spot. Luckily for me he is a very patient man! I adore him from head to toe now. I'm just a slow burner. Maybe your bf is similar?

There's a book about different love languages - some people express it through actions, some through words or gifts etc. You need to find compatible ones or acknowledge each other's ways of expressing it. It seems clear from his actions that he loves you but I would gently ask him, maybe even affectionately tease him about it. What's so scary about saying the words? What does he think will happen? That you will turn into a snarling witch who fixes a ball and chain to his ankle? Or that you'll lose interest once he's hooked?

My DH and I have been together 26years I think that hes only ever said it once and that probably about 5years ago in passing.. Its only recently that (because of me laughing at it) that hes stopped writing 'best wishes' in my cards .. ( now I get 'love and best wishes') . But he loves me, I know he does from how he is and what he does .. the little things that your bf does also.. and that he has my back, hes always there for me and his little acts of everyday kindness and caring ...
Its ok because im not a great sayer of ' words' either.. but I n my opinion ' love' is what you do and how you are with your partner .
He sounds pretty good OP

My first thought is that after 4 months he may not yet love you, and that's fine. It is very early days. Sometimes people say 'I love you' early in a relationship when they just have that wonderful flood of feelings that makes them happy. It isn't really love.

So he might not love you yet. At least he might not be certain of it. I would much rather be with someone who takes their time and only says it when they are certain, than someone who says it to please you or to mainipulate in some way.

However he appears to be showing that he's a decent person. And in time he may come to love you and to tell you that.

However,
He's said that he finds it hard to say - which could mean he thinks he does love you already but doesn't want to say it. There may be something to unpick there. If he struggles to talk about his feelings you might decide you aren't compatible (if you need to hear it said). I'm of the view that actions speak louder than words, BUT if one person asks another 'do you love me?' then you should answer honestly. And if one person tells the other that they need to hear it regularly, then it costs the other little to say it (if they mean it of course).

4 months is still a short time, I actually trust people who say it that early less because I know it's more lust than anything. He may not feel he can say it yet because he isn't sure, but it doesn't mean he isn't a lovely man and things aren't going well. From your post, he sounds like a great boyfriend! I would give it way more time.

My XH told me he loved me nearly every day - he might have thought he loved me but he showed it in odd ways - expensive gifts but abusive & belittling. We are divorced now & just last week he told me he still loved me FFS

Current DP has told me he loves me on just a handful of occasions in the three years we've been together, but he shows me daily by his thoughtful actions and being a huge source of support.

Just wondering if you do similar thoughtful caring things for him?

At 4 months in you barely know each other. I would not be worried about the 'I love you' thing. How can you possibly love someone you have only known for a few months? I suspect you like the idea of it all OP but the reality is you barely know each other. If he is making nice gestures I would say that's good enough, but at the same time be very cautious of the fact this may not be the true him he is presenting you with.

@LennyMurdoch

At 4 months in you barely know each other. I would not be worried about the 'I love you' thing. How can you possibly love someone you have only known for a few months? I suspect you like the idea of it all OP but the reality is you barely know each other. If he is making nice gestures I would say that's good enough, but at the same time be very cautious of the fact this may not be the true him he is presenting you with.

. . . Great. Let's all go into relationships thinking the person is lying about who they are. That's a great way to think.

Why don't we just strap lie detectors on to each other on the first date gestapo style.

He sounds lovely. People absolutely can show you that they love you rather than telling you. As others have said, he might not love you yet and that's ok too. Just enjoy it.

Honestly, he sounds lovely! Some people are
more comfortable to say I love you quickly than others. He might not yet feel ‘in love’ with you and that’s ok - it’s only been 4 months!

It sounds like he’s treating you well and is thoughtful and considerate. Try and relax and enjoy that and keep getting to know him.

I guess I do feel loved/cared for but I don’t want to stay if he doesn’t/never will love me as life is too short for that! - life isn’t that short though it’s only been 4 months!

Great. Let's all go into relationships thinking the person is lying about who they are. That's a great way to think.

Why don't we just strap lie detectors on to each other on the first date gestapo style.

There is not much wrong with being aware and alert and these boards are full of posts from women who would have benefited from being just that.

He sounds absolutely lovely.
And honestly OP, it would scare me off is someone told me they loved my after only 4 months. That's not enough time to know someone truly and I would take that "I love you" to be a rather superficial one at that stage. More like "I'm infatuated and in love with the idea of I think you are/how you make me feel.

Actions speak louder than words every single time. And I would take his reluctance to say those words just yet as a sign that he assigns a lot of meaning to them and won't just throw them around to anyone new. So rather a green flag if anything.

Nobody shows their true self in the beginning Women, men. It's just a very cynical thing to say.

OP's boyfriend seems lovely, so far and behaving as he should. That's what the dating process is for, because eventually we all show people who we are snd can decide if we wish to continue.

@1MillionDollars

Nobody shows their true self in the beginning Women, men. It's just a very cynical thing to say.

OP's boyfriend seems lovely, so far and behaving as he should. That's what the dating process is for, because eventually we all show people who we are snd can decide if we wish to continue.

Which is why I said be cautious - on the back of nice gestures are good enough.

I wasn't suggestion this man was anything, I was simply saying be 'cautious' - be aware.

It's particularly easy for men who are abusive to get their feet firmly under the table when the woman is in love so easily on in the relationship.

@1MillionDollars, naivety and "seeing the best in people" is what lands women stuck in abusive relationships every single day. Abusive and controlling men ate notorious for love bombing and moving very very fast in relationships.

What is wrong with taking things slow and being on the lookout for possible red flags?
Muuuch better than diving head in and questioning nothing along the way!

@LennyMurdoch

I'm just saying it was unnecessary/cynical to say. Let her just enjoy it and not taint it with the possibility of him not being who he really is and abuse down the line.

We'll have to agree to disagree.

At four months you barely know one another. I certainly wouldn’t be at the stage of declaring my love then.