Actions showing love even if it’s not been said?

[Crumbs79]

Hello all,

Just after your thoughts…
I’ve been seeing a new partner for around 4 months and have fallen for him totally. We have moved from seeing each other twice a week, to staying over on a weekend and now see each other around 5 nights a week so all going great. I love him and I have told him this. He has not said it back but had said he finds it hard to say and says he tries to show me with his actions instead … I guess I do feel loved/cared for but I don’t want to stay if he doesn’t/never will love me as life is too short for that! I guess what I’m asking is, should I trust in his actions without the woods go back it up? I know why he struggles to express his emotions and understand it.

He certainly seems to care very much at least and I do feel loved. He’s affectionate and attentive.

I was poorly one evening at his so he ran me a bath, got a hot water bottle and made me a drink.

After a difficult work day where I came in cold and tired, he warmed the bed with a hot water bottle while I was in the bath.

He brings me tea in bed every morning if he is out for work before me.

I told him I love the sound of the sea and long drives so he picked me up and drove to seafront about an hour away where we sat with take away tea listening to the sea and talking.

He picks up sweet treats he knows I like and gets in my favourite drinks.

He’s watched movies that make his eyes role (soppy stuff) when I’ve mentioned that I like them.

He’s picked up on my favourite music eras/artists snd bought CDs he thinks I’ll like for my car.

He’s come out in the evening when I’ve broken down and fixed the car.

The list goes on …. Most of all he makes me laugh, calls when he says he will, treats me well and is affectionate.

Does this sound like he does love me back? Or is at least on his way…. It’s hard for me as words of affirmation is definitely high on my ‘love languages’ which is an area he struggles with.

Actually he has said he loves me once but it was in his sleep so I’ve not told him as I don’t want to embarrass him. Im guessing I can’t trust an ‘I love you too darling’ said as he drifted off to sleep.’ He was unaware he’d said it back!

What I do wonder though is why any woman would suggest me saying 'be cautious' would ever be a bad thing?
I don't think any of the women on the thread have suggested this?

@1MillionDollars

"Abusive and controlling men ate notorious for love bombing and moving very very fast in relationships. "

I think this was in reference to the way the OP's boyfriend is being attentive and nice / doing things for her.

JC directly told you upthread that's not what she was saying, and gave you the context of her mentioning lovebombing.

Not sure why you're claiming to think this still. I'll be charitable and assume that it's due to the general human habit of seeing what we want to see.

I don’t want to stay if he doesn’t/never will love me as life is too short for that!

Of coure you're smitten and afraid of getting hurt but expecting him to jump in with both feet now is too much. Sounds as if he is not ready to make any declarations yet, and after only four months that's still OK. Just because you have fallen hard and are sure of your feelings, doesn't mean that he has to have fallen equally hard. He is loving and caring and treats you well, these are all good signs so far that he is a good man and that his feelings are heading in the right direction, so be a bit patient because when/if he does say it in his own time he will really mean it. If he hasn't declared love for you after a year, or if he seems to faff around and be uncertain of his feelings though he treats you well in the monent, then I would be wondering why/backing off. For the time being enjoy it for what it is.

What I mean is, there are no guarantees. He might just be a loving kindly man who isn't as much in love with you (yet) as you are with him. Whether he will be that much in love with you in future or not - who can say? He might be falling in love, he might be unsure of his feelings, he might be cautious about the commitment of expressing feelings in words. So avoid the "he loves me but can't say so" route. That's wishful thinking and that way trouble lies. If he really loves you, when he really loves you, you will need him to say so.

@AmaryllisNightAndDay

Ok. I may have misinterpreted that and other posts, but I sure that there have been other posts that have just jumped on the OP's boyfriend in standard mumsnet style.

It has come across to me, with some posts, that this guy needs to be watched because he's too good to be true and the OP should be cautious if this. Maybe it was just the one post and I've seen it as more.

I'm willing to just leave it and say I was wrong, but I'm not going to sit back when wild assumptions are made. I think it is cynical and dangerous and I've been on the receiving end of mumsnet cynicism and massive assumptions.

[quote 1MillionDollars]@AmaryllisNightAndDay

Ok. I may have misinterpreted that and other posts, but I sure that there have been other posts that have just jumped on the OP's boyfriend in standard mumsnet style.

It has come across to me, with some posts, that this guy needs to be watched because he's too good to be true and the OP should be cautious if this. Maybe it was just the one post and I've seen it as more.

I'm willing to just leave it and say I was wrong, but I'm not going to sit back when wild assumptions are made. I think it is cynical and dangerous and I've been on the receiving end of mumsnet cynicism and massive assumptions.[/quote]
The vast majority of posts have been very complimentary about OP's bf. You're seeing this through the tinted lens of your views about what MN is. Sorry you've had a bad experience, but if that experience is making you see the worst in everyone writing on MN, including those who are being reasonable, then maybe this is just not a great environment for your wellbeing.

@1MillionDollars

I don't think it was me who was disagreeing with you?

And one more thing for the OP - don't make more declarations of your own feelings for the time being. You're not in love languages territory yet, it's too soon. At this stage, no answer = "not now". If you are willing to keep on declaring your own love without a return, that sets a bad precedent for the future

@JustThisLastLittleBit

It’s only been 4 months!

This! The chances are he doesn’t love you yet. Its not been very long.

Actions speak louder than words! My parents never said they loved me but they so truly did .I absolutely adore my children but I very rarely say ‘I love you ‘…my love for them is so pure and obvious that it’s not necessary. The actions of your partner suggests that he has fallen for you even if he doesn’t say it .

@ravenmum

Most have. I know that. It's like a spidey sense here though, especially being a man.

I see so many massive leaps in assumptions I won't let it slide and I saw some here.

I'm willing to let it go and admit I'm wrong.

I understand a lot of people have been seriously hurt, abused, cheated on but sometimes, they as another poster said in another post (not me) seem to thrive on making other feel bad and bringing people down.

I could ignore it and I do, but sometimes I'm just like 'Jeeeesus Christ, God Alive'

[quote 1MillionDollars]@ravenmum

Most have. I know that. It's like a spidey sense here though, especially being a man.

I see so many massive leaps in assumptions I won't let it slide and I saw some here.

I'm willing to let it go and admit I'm wrong.

I understand a lot of people have been seriously hurt, abused, cheated on but sometimes, they as another poster said in another post (not me) seem to thrive on making other feel bad and bringing people down.

I could ignore it and I do, but sometimes I'm just like 'Jeeeesus Christ, God Alive'[/quote]
There are many, many posts on MN that clash with my opinions. I choose to ignore 99% of them as it would be bad for my mental health.
Maybe you could adjust your own filter slightly? Your argument on this thread comes across as if warning people to be cautious when entering a relationship is a bad thing. I'm sure that was not your intention - seem to think that you were in an abusive relationship yourself and could have done with some warnings? (Might be thinking of another poster?)

I agree with you @ravenmum

@1MillionDollars

It's actually scary that you are so determined to deny people the opportunity to say 'be cautious'

It's not wrong. Ever.

You say there are wild assumptions and people have been cynical and dangerous on this thread, that's not the case at all.

It was a perfectly normal discussion with the added 'be careful' that most people would apply to anyone in a new relationship.

You have tried to suggest people are being OTT because of their own life experiences when actually the advise is hugely sensible. The projection seems all your imo.

@LennyMurdoch

Not trying to deny at all. It was just an opinion. I just didn't see the need in this instance for anyone to say be cautious. That's it really. My opinion. Happy to argue it out and leave it.

Completely happy to just leave it. I have my opinion whether right or wrong.

I'm not going to stop sharing my opinion or disagreement.

I respond to people who tag me, not because I want the last word but because I have time right now and I don't want them to think I am just running away.

Hence let's just agree to disagree and move on.

I actually said agree to disagree to a poster on another post to end the discussion so it could go back to the main thread. The poster went biiserk (spell) that I even said that. If you can't agree then you just have to accept that.

Everyone is entitled to an opinion and I'm entitled to say I think it's wrong. Whether it is or not.

I just didn't see the need in this instance for anyone to say be cautious. That's it really.
If you'd said this, rather than telling other posters also giving their opinions that their posts were unnecessary and cynical, and tainted the relationship of a person who has not even responded to any of the comments yet ... then you'd have got a friendlier response. But nobody went beserk. They just said you couldn't dictate when the discussion was over.

@ravenmum

I just didn't see the need in this instance for anyone to say be cautious. That's it really. If you'd said this, rather than telling other posters also giving their opinions that their posts were unnecessary and cynical, and tainted the relationship of a person who has not even responded to any of the comments yet ... then you'd have got a friendlier response. But nobody went beserk. They just said you couldn't dictate when the discussion was over.

I can say whatever I like if I think or feel it. Doesn't mean I think I am right.

If a disagreement is going nowhere and nobody wants to back down then agreeing to disagree is the best solution.

If nobody is going to back down, should you just argue until you pass away from old age or agree to disagree????

You tell me what you should do???

I'm a bit further in than you at 5 months with a new boyfriend. We've not said it at all, I definitely feel very much in love with him but I won't put the pressure on him to say it when maybe he isn't there yet. In my eyes, I am hoping we have many, many years together and perhaps a lifetime or two. 5 months is NOTHING when we have acres of time in front of us. He is caring and lovely, and I feel incredibly safe with him, which will do me just fine at this stage.
I would say probably relax about it a bit. He'll get there in his own time. Its just 3 tiny words at the end of the day.

To be honest, for all the talk of red flags, the fact that you, OP, are demanding reciprocity within a time zone that's barely the blink of an eye would put me on edge around YOU.

I don't think your boyfriend is the one to be worried about here.

My husband is like that. We've been together 11 years. He is definitely a man of actions and very few words. He cares for me, supports me, he's loyal, generous, loving and affectionate. He said "I love you" a handful of times during our relationship and mostly he prefers to write it in cards for me (don't know why!). It was my birthday recently and he wrote that he loved me there. I don't know if that's considered a proper "I love you" but it is what it is. If you have to choose then actions certainly matter more than words however it'd be lovely to have both 😄

Thank you to all of you - lots of opinions to read through!

For those reminding me it’s early days, you are right of course so thank you for the reminder as it’s made me stop and take a breath. He treats me well and that is more than enough right now

Those asking me to be cautious, I am being. I appreciate it’s hard to see red flags when so smitten with someone so the reminder was useful there! I don’t feel I’ve seen any though so that’s all good so far!

Those that commented I’m maybe moving to fast and he should be weary/running for the hills, again thank you as it was a good jolt to make sure I keep everything in prospective of how little time we’ve had together. Just so you are aware, I’ve not nor would pressure him at all. In fact I’ve pulled back on the ‘I love you’ words so as not to make him feel bad or pressured. I’ve only said it the once and he seemed genuinely happy to hear it. For the moment, I’m just enjoying the time I have with him and realising things will progress in whatever way they are meant to.

Thanks all

It can be so hard to keep perspective when you are caught up in loving someone new! I know how you feel, don't worry! But it is no time at all and if it is right it'll sort itself out.

"I can say whatever I like if I think or feel it. Doesn't mean I think I am right"

@1MillionDollars I thought you were a man from your very first post on this thread, funnily enough. I would say the fact that so many women are taking issue with your comments should make you fucking listen - to womens experiences and advice especially as it's being given to another women. But no, you carry on making the thread all about you and minimising womens experiences.

Yes, absolutely you can say whatever the fuck you like on MN, but if so many people take issue with what you say, and especially in a discussion of the risks specific to women in a new relationship, you could perhaps just shut the fuck up and listen instead of arguing with them?

@Crumbs79 definitely a case of actions speak louder than words - and this is the case for every stage of a relationship, not just the early days. He sounds kind and thoughtful to me, and I hope it develops well.

Sounds like a keeper to me.

When it comes it will mean more. I would also be inclined to take it more seriously if it wasnt said in the first couple of months.

Maybe stop saying it to him or a bit less as he could feel under pressure?

@WeBuiltCisCityOnSexistRoles

I have said I'm happy to leave it tried so many times and did leave it then you pop up attacking me too.

I'm a man and your a woman and women's opinion clearly means more here especially from people like yourself. I gave an opinion, that is all and some don't like it end of. Does not mean I am minimising, just means I just don't agree and I still don't. People are fucking hateful in this place sometime (I can swear too) I didn't like what I read, I said something.

End of. My opinion, maybe right, maybe wrong. Doesn't matter. I am allowed to share an opinion snd as a man it is often not going to be liked. This place is an echo chamber sometimes, people only hearing what they want to hear.

I've said something, people disagree, end of story. I don't need to listen to anybody IF I THINK they are wrong, and I have a right, just like you, to disagree. If 10000 women say 1+1 is 3 do I need to just sit back and agree because in their experience 1+1 is 3.

Basically I'm in a place dominated by women and I should just shut the fuck up if I disagree.

Basically I'm in a place dominated by women and I should just shut the fuck up if I disagree.

How about you are in a place dominated by women so you should listen to them?

You could have learned something here but you chose to be offended and defensive.