Actions showing love even if it’s not been said?

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Hello all,

Just after your thoughts…
I’ve been seeing a new partner for around 4 months and have fallen for him totally. We have moved from seeing each other twice a week, to staying over on a weekend and now see each other around 5 nights a week so all going great. I love him and I have told him this. He has not said it back but had said he finds it hard to say and says he tries to show me with his actions instead … I guess I do feel loved/cared for but I don’t want to stay if he doesn’t/never will love me as life is too short for that! I guess what I’m asking is, should I trust in his actions without the woods go back it up? I know why he struggles to express his emotions and understand it.

He certainly seems to care very much at least and I do feel loved. He’s affectionate and attentive.

I was poorly one evening at his so he ran me a bath, got a hot water bottle and made me a drink.

After a difficult work day where I came in cold and tired, he warmed the bed with a hot water bottle while I was in the bath.

He brings me tea in bed every morning if he is out for work before me.

I told him I love the sound of the sea and long drives so he picked me up and drove to seafront about an hour away where we sat with take away tea listening to the sea and talking.

He picks up sweet treats he knows I like and gets in my favourite drinks.

He’s watched movies that make his eyes role (soppy stuff) when I’ve mentioned that I like them.

He’s picked up on my favourite music eras/artists snd bought CDs he thinks I’ll like for my car.

He’s come out in the evening when I’ve broken down and fixed the car.

The list goes on …. Most of all he makes me laugh, calls when he says he will, treats me well and is affectionate.

Does this sound like he does love me back? Or is at least on his way…. It’s hard for me as words of affirmation is definitely high on my ‘love languages’ which is an area he struggles with.

Actually he has said he loves me once but it was in his sleep so I’ve not told him as I don’t want to embarrass him. Im guessing I can’t trust an ‘I love you too darling’ said as he drifted off to sleep.’ He was unaware he’d said it back!

For some people the words matter. They would matter to me and I'd find it weird that someone couldn't say it back to their partner, even if they felt it, because of some logical loophole in their head.

@supercali77

For some people the words matter. They would matter to me and I'd find it weird that someone couldn't say it back to their partner, even if they felt it, because of some logical loophole in their head.

What loophole exactly?

@pog100

Personally I think people attach ridiculous amounts of meaning to a couple of words and ignore lots of really shitty actions. This board is full of "but I love him"s when they are being treated like garbage by men who find it is to say "but I love you, babe". He sounds like a keeper to me but more importantly than love is do your life's ambitions tie in?

I agree. So many do the love babe/my man/in love crap on social media but some then treat each other badly. It then feels false and for others and not themselves.

Actions speak louder than words.

I'd say be patient. It's only been 4 months.

Women are quickly wising up to the tricks men play.

@JudgementalCactus well if you love someone and yet can't seem to say the words, i reason there's some strange logic at work

Most of all he makes me laugh, calls when he says he will, treats me well and is affectionate. Does this sound like he does love me back?
It sounds as if he might be a decent, thoughtful, reliable person who treats others with respect and kindness. But you won't know all that for sure until you get to know him better.

As you've only just met, your "love" presumably means butterflies in your stomach, getting excited to hear his voice, feeling as if you're walking on air and everything is in technicolour? And you want him to feel that too? But those feelings don't always translate into a happy long-term relationship - and a happy long-term relationship doesn't always start out with those feelings, imho.

@GreyCarpet

This situation. This is what I'm talking about. Damned if you do damned if you don't.

People can share their advice and their experience but projecting it is another thing.

What the OP is sharing as far as Im concerned is a person at the start of a relationship that actually likes her and wants to show it. This might all settle down into something more stable and not so full on but to tell the OP watch out the Bogey man is waiting for you is just in my opinion only a bit much.

Yes we all need to be on the lookout, men and women for red flags but let's not throw our cynical life experiences the OP's way.

It would be like me saying that all people with blue eyes are thieves because I was robbed 2x by people with blue eyes, therefore they all must be bad.

Imagine you started telling your daughters from a young age ALL men are bad. I wonder what that would do to them.

We could say the same about fathers calling all women are bad...

He's not telling her he loves her, he finds it hard. I don't think it even crossed my mind to say it to previous girlfriends. He's not asking to move in with her or marry her. He's just happy and infatuated and showing her he cares. Maybe he just thinks this is what a good boyfriend does.

Anyway OP. Don't worry about it, enjoy it and see how it goes, he probably won't be able to keep this up, but your relationship will change as it progresses, doesn't mean he still won't be caring, but it might be less than in this loved up stage. It's natural.

to tell the OP watch out the Bogey man is waiting for you is just in my opinion only a bit much. ... Yes we all need to be on the lookout, men and women for red flags
You can only look out for red flags if you know they exist. Hence people on this site telling one another what bad behaviour they might encounter, so they can recognise it if they come across it. No-one is telling vague tales about an unexplained bogeyman; we're telling very specific, concrete tales about real risks. Children are given those vague "bogeyman" warnings as they are too young to understand about rapists and murderers, but on this site we can describe the risks properly, and as adults each of us can judge what to do with that information. Please don't undermine those useful, real-life pointers by making them out to be old wives' tales.

He sounds lovely and loving to me
Cliche , but actions speak louder than words

Yes we all need to be on the lookout, men and women for red flags but let's not throw our cynical life experiences the OP's way.

I just want to be very clear right now that my 'be cautious' comment and subsequent posts were absolutely not linked to my own life experiences.

It would be like me saying that all people with blue eyes are thieves because I was robbed 2x by people with blue eyes, therefore they all must be bad.

It's nothing like that at all.

Imagine you started telling your daughters from a young age ALL men are bad. I wonder what that would do to them.

That's the thing though, nobody has said all men are bad. I did however teach my daughters to look out for red flags in relationships - irrespective of sex.

@ravenmum

Most of all he makes me laugh, calls when he says he will, treats me well and is affectionate. Does this sound like he does love me back? It sounds as if he might be a decent, thoughtful, reliable person who treats others with respect and kindness. But you won't know all that for sure until you get to know him better.

As you've only just met, your "love" presumably means butterflies in your stomach, getting excited to hear his voice, feeling as if you're walking on air and everything is in technicolour? And you want him to feel that too? But those feelings don't always translate into a happy long-term relationship - and a happy long-term relationship doesn't always start out with those feelings, imho.

The bit you're missing out is that many, many decent, thoughtful, reliable people who treat others with respect and kindness are not compatible.

Having different 'love languages' is often used to dismiss the fact that although there are two lovely people, the relationship doesn't fulfill one or both of them. It often is as detrimental to a close bond as actually speaking different languages; much as you want to be close, you somehow can't understand each other at that deep and fundamental level.

OP, whether it 'sounds like he loves you back' is irrelevant if you don't feel the love, and I suspect that if you did feel it, and were confident in it, you wouldn't be posting here.

The bit you're missing out is that many, many decent, thoughtful, reliable people who treat others with respect and kindness are not compatible.
My point was that the things OP is listing does not tell us if he actually loves her. They just tell us what he might be like as a person - potentially. That's all.

Definitely not what I thought this thread was going to be about but I'll share my tale anyway.

My mum is not a person who says I love you but even as an example today I'm pregnant and suffering from diarrhea and keeping having accidents. We're also going through a house extension so don't have a washing machine.

Mum came round and dropped off some brand new fresh knickers for me

Imagine you started telling your daughters from a young age ALL men are bad. I wonder what that would do to them.

I don't tell her that all men are bad.

I do teach her to be cautious of some of the behaviours of many men, as does her dad, in a way that neither I or my ex husband ever felt the need to do with our son though.

We do, of course, speak to both of them about red flags in relationships irrespective of sex also.

@GreyCarpet

But this guy hasn't done anything wrong. She didn't come here for a breakdown on behaviours. She came here to ask about the love thing, next thing it's turning into....Watch out OP he could be love bombing you and logical loopholes whatever that means.

@1MillionDollars

Yes we all need to be on the lookout, men and women for red flags but let's not throw our cynical life experiences the OP's way

It would be like me saying that all people with blue eyes are thieves because I was robbed 2x by people with blue eyes, therefore they all must be bad

Imagine you started telling your daughters from a young age ALL men are bad. I wonder what that would do to them

Why do you lock your doors at night? Because all houses get burgled? Why do you wear a seatbelt in the car? Because all cars crash?

There's a sensible level of risk aversion in life, and many people aren't taught the level of precaution to take. Nobody is saying 'run! This guy is abusive!!', but it is a good idea to be aware of the potential risks, and take precautions against them, just in case.

I think you've moved too quick.

He sounds wonderful

I understand why you would like to hear the words. Give him time. It'll happen but he's a bit slower than you to say it.

A friend of mine's husband has just left her for another woman, he used to tell her he loved her several times a day, it clearly meant nothing.

I wouldn't worry about it at this stage, he's showing that he cares about you very much (and I hope you're returning the favour)

[quote 1MillionDollars]@GreyCarpet

But this guy hasn't done anything wrong. She didn't come here for a breakdown on behaviours. She came here to ask about the love thing, next thing it's turning into....Watch out OP he could be love bombing you and logical loopholes whatever that means.[/quote]
I don't think anyone knows what the logical loopholes means 😂 If a comment goes unchallenged that doesn't mean everyone agrees with it. Often people just think the poster sounds a bit of an oddball and/or can't be bothered to argue with them.

No-one suggested this guy was lovebombing OP. Quite the opposite: they were pointing out that he's taking it slow and not acting like a lovebomber.

@hellcatspangle

A friend of mine's husband has just left her for another woman, he used to tell her he loved her several times a day, it clearly meant nothing.

I wouldn't worry about it at this stage, he's showing that he cares about you very much (and I hope you're returning the favour)

My exh always described me as the "love of his life" until his affair, but he used to say it so flippantly that I have to say it never really felt that meaningful.

"Abusive and controlling men ate notorious for love bombing and moving very very fast in relationships. "

I think this was in reference to the way the OP's boyfriend is being attentive and nice / doing things for her.

For me, actions always speak louder than words. I can’t stand relationships where people tell each other they love each other 20 times a day when they call or leave a room etc. That would be so suffocating. He sounds a good guy and one that I’m sure plenty will be queuing up for if you cast him aside.

Whoa this thread took a weird turn!