Actions showing love even if it’s not been said?

[Crumbs79]

Hello all,

Just after your thoughts…
I’ve been seeing a new partner for around 4 months and have fallen for him totally. We have moved from seeing each other twice a week, to staying over on a weekend and now see each other around 5 nights a week so all going great. I love him and I have told him this. He has not said it back but had said he finds it hard to say and says he tries to show me with his actions instead … I guess I do feel loved/cared for but I don’t want to stay if he doesn’t/never will love me as life is too short for that! I guess what I’m asking is, should I trust in his actions without the woods go back it up? I know why he struggles to express his emotions and understand it.

He certainly seems to care very much at least and I do feel loved. He’s affectionate and attentive.

I was poorly one evening at his so he ran me a bath, got a hot water bottle and made me a drink.

After a difficult work day where I came in cold and tired, he warmed the bed with a hot water bottle while I was in the bath.

He brings me tea in bed every morning if he is out for work before me.

I told him I love the sound of the sea and long drives so he picked me up and drove to seafront about an hour away where we sat with take away tea listening to the sea and talking.

He picks up sweet treats he knows I like and gets in my favourite drinks.

He’s watched movies that make his eyes role (soppy stuff) when I’ve mentioned that I like them.

He’s picked up on my favourite music eras/artists snd bought CDs he thinks I’ll like for my car.

He’s come out in the evening when I’ve broken down and fixed the car.

The list goes on …. Most of all he makes me laugh, calls when he says he will, treats me well and is affectionate.

Does this sound like he does love me back? Or is at least on his way…. It’s hard for me as words of affirmation is definitely high on my ‘love languages’ which is an area he struggles with.

Actually he has said he loves me once but it was in his sleep so I’ve not told him as I don’t want to embarrass him. Im guessing I can’t trust an ‘I love you too darling’ said as he drifted off to sleep.’ He was unaware he’d said it back!

@LennyMurdoch

Oooh. I do listen, but I also disagree. Please don't tell me who I am, how I think or behave.

Maybe you could listen to a mans opinion too, but oooh no, I just have to listen to yours.

It was an opinion. Everyone is allowed them, everyone has them, doesn't mean that I don't listen if I disagree with some opinions.

I'm sure I/you will find I agree with you at some point, but if I don't I won't be afraid to say so.

Men have a tendency to dominate conversations and see it as normal, on MN it tends to be called out more.

[quote 1MillionDollars]@LennyMurdoch

Oooh. I do listen, but I also disagree. Please don't tell me who I am, how I think or behave.

Maybe you could listen to a mans opinion too, but oooh no, I just have to listen to yours.

It was an opinion. Everyone is allowed them, everyone has them, doesn't mean that I don't listen if I disagree with some opinions.

I'm sure I/you will find I agree with you at some point, but if I don't I won't be afraid to say so.[/quote]

I have been pondering why your attitude is as such and the only thing I see is your lack of respect for women.

He sounds a nice guy.I actually really dislike this constant "love you" .some people use this all the time,it is completely meaningless.I'd rather never hear "love you" and prefer meaningful,thoughtful action.enjoy your relationship.

Bloody hell, talk about self centred. You're not listening, you're doing the equivalent of shouting over everyone and demanding attention. Look how you have dominated this thread - started by a woman asking for relationship advice. Interestingly the OP herself said she had found the comments that you find so objectionable, helpful and a good reminder.

So it's just you that has the problem and now you're whining that we don't like your opinions just because you're a man. You seem totally unable to read the fucking room.

This thread has been helpful to OP which is what it was started for. If you want to whine about 1000 women being wrong and you're the only right person but you can't express your opinion on MN because you're a man, go and start your own thread about it.

The irony is that your posts on this thread show very clearly why MN is so unusual in being a mainly female space and why we really value it for this. Women have completely different experiences in life, especially in relationships. A male voice dominating a support thread, complaining about the advice and support being given which was helpful to OP - and based on our shared experience.

The vast majority of women here have found this thread helpful and relevant due to our shared experiences. You don't agree with something you know nothing about and you won't take anything we say on board despite so many women asking you to and taking the time to explain why. You should be ashamed of yourself.

I for one won't be coming back to the thread as it just fucks me off so much to have to have these interactions. I am so very tired of having to have these conversations all the time. I'm sure I'm not the only woman you have driven away here @1MillionDollars. But hey, like you say, even if you drive away 1000 women who disagree with your opinion and who have taken the time to explain why, you are entitled to disregard us all and keep on and on expressing your opinion.

@Crumbs79 I hope your relationship develops well and you are happy.

Showing he loves you is both harder and more significant than saying he loves you. If it’s not enough for you that he doesn’t say it then move on, and let him live someone else who will appreciate him.

@Crumbs79

Thank you to all of you - lots of opinions to read through!

For those reminding me it’s early days, you are right of course so thank you for the reminder as it’s made me stop and take a breath. He treats me well and that is more than enough right now

Those asking me to be cautious, I am being. I appreciate it’s hard to see red flags when so smitten with someone so the reminder was useful there! I don’t feel I’ve seen any though so that’s all good so far!

Those that commented I’m maybe moving to fast and he should be weary/running for the hills, again thank you as it was a good jolt to make sure I keep everything in prospective of how little time we’ve had together. Just so you are aware, I’ve not nor would pressure him at all. In fact I’ve pulled back on the ‘I love you’ words so as not to make him feel bad or pressured. I’ve only said it the once and he seemed genuinely happy to hear it. For the moment, I’m just enjoying the time I have with him and realising things will progress in whatever way they are meant to.

Thanks all

Hey OP, I've literally just been going through the same thing with my BF. Been together longer and very similar in that he never says it but he does show it in actions and gives me lots of his time. I've been getting hung up on it and realised I've been a bit intense about it.

So I've actually decided to live in the moment more and look at his actions not his words and not put pressure on him.

@LennyMurdoch

Yes that's it. You've seen right through me. Nothing to do with being bombarded with hate at times from some of the Mumsnet crew.

Funny I can get along with lots of women as long as I tow the line. It seems that it's the ones that disagree with and I them who dislike me,

Strange that.

@coolcahuna

Yes. Look at actions not words. I completely forgot about that saying.

[quote 1MillionDollars]@LennyMurdoch

Yes that's it. You've seen right through me. Nothing to do with being bombarded with hate at times from some of the Mumsnet crew.

Funny I can get along with lots of women as long as I tow the line. It seems that it's the ones that disagree with and I them who dislike me,

Strange that.[/quote]

Nobody bombarded you for fucks sake. Get yourself a grip. You are dismissing the idea of being cautious in a new relationship. That's fucked up. You deserve every negative comment you get here. Every. Single. One.

@1MillionDollars - shoo. Off you pop.

Haven't read entire thread but there is a book called the 5 love languages. This sounds like one of them

@LennyMurdoch

I'm not talking about this thread.

It's a standard mumsnet approach with some snd you know it and so many others (women) know it on here too.

I am not dismissing caution. I am saying in terms of this thread and the OP's original thread there was no need for anyone to scare the shit out of her. Her boyfriend seems like a nice person who struggles with saying I love you. Next thing....

Watch out OP, he might not be who he says he is, be cautious. Some men love bomb.

Whether this was from one poster or multiple, I think it was unnecessary. Just my opinion and I'm being slated for saying it wasn't called for. That's all.

But I'm a women hater, who doesn't listen and Yada Yada Yada.

For fuck sake.

I am not dismissing caution. I am saying in terms of this thread and the OP's original thread there was no need for anyone to scare the shit out of her.

You said it was cynical and dangerous, so yes, you absolutely did dismiss it. Nobody was scaring anybody. The only escalation came from you who decided' wild accusations' were being made.

Have a think about what you are doing here.

But I'm a women hater, who doesn't listen and Yada Yada Yada

If anyone has reached that conclusion about you then it's based on your behaviour on the thread, so...

As it happens I just think you are a disrespectful, emotionally immature, tone deaf example.

@LennyMurdoch

You see. That is just your opinion and you have every right to say it.

I'm not angry about it, you can say it and I can disagree.

I had an opinion, just like you did a second ago.

[quote 1MillionDollars]@LennyMurdoch

You see. That is just your opinion and you have every right to say it.

I'm not angry about it, you can say it and I can disagree.

I had an opinion, just like you did a second ago.
[/quote]
The only thing i see is your absolute inability to understand. Yes, we have different opinions, but on a thread by women for women if women are advising caution you really should be wondering what you can say to help out peoples minds at rest when in the new relationship situation. You really could have added something valuable to the thread. Instead all you are doing is shouting 'poor me' 'they are all ganging up on me' 'how dare they suggest being careful' - do you not see how your protests are only serving to show people they do indeed need to be cautious. The only person who thinks being a little bit careful in a new relationship here is you, a man - that speaks volumes/

@LennyMurdoch

Oooh Lenny. I could say the same about your inability to understand what I'm saying, but you'll turn this comment around into something horrible about how I'm a man and have no idea,

Your basically saying the same. How dare I say something that goes against the cautious advice of the women who have advised caution.

I had an opinion. You are now arguing and perpetuating this argument. I would have left well alone if it wasn't for people telling me how horrible I am for having an opinion, being a man and not advising caution (in this situation)

Shall we agree to disagree or am I going to be slated for saying that to now,

I can argue all day. I'm not going to back down about my opinion (in this thread) you don't seem to want to either. You have laid into me, snd you just expect me to take it lying down. Sorry, but no.

If you think I am dismissing, that is your opinion, if you think I am wrong, that is your opinion. I literally don't care, I'm just not going to let you bully me into submission.

I'm just not going to let you bully me into submission.

Thank you. You have just proved everything I said. Good work.

Oh, and goodnight!

@LennyMurdoch

Yes. I've just realised you are a bully.

[quote 1MillionDollars]@LennyMurdoch

Yes. I've just realised you are a bully.[/quote]

I'm sorry, what?

A bully?

For defending telling a woman to 'be cautious'

Off you pop. Reporting that.

My ex told me he loved me all the time. He was also, unbeknown to me, shagging someone else for most of the relationship. Actions speak louder than words.

I see it both ways, because saying words out loud or writing them is also an action in a way? And if your partner refuses to do occasionally do an action that would make you very happy, is no effort at all, takes seconds, costs nothing, doesn't hurt anyone, is calorie free, carbon neutral, has no legal ramifications etc. Well it does seem like they are making a point.

This is just a general point, I don't think this applies to OP, as it is only been four months.

if your partner refuses to do occasionally do an action that would make you very happy
This is quite an interesting point if you compare it with physical actions that make your partner happy - giving them a BJ or stroking their feet or whatever. I'd see those as more of a red flag if a partner knew you liked it, but never did it. Does saying "I love you" really take no effort at all? I think it can be quite hard for some people, even with those they do love. (Agree that this is a general point that OP might face later but not yet.)

I’m just enjoying the time I have with him and realising things will progress in whatever way they are meant to
Sounds like a good approach OP :)

He sounds lovely and caring, and like you mean a lot to him.

However, it is 4 months! Early days. Some people aren't in a rush to make big declarations. That's fine.

This is quite an interesting point if you compare it with physical actions that make your partner happy - giving them a BJ or stroking their feet or whatever. I'd see those as more of a red flag if a partner knew you liked it, but never did it

Am I reading this wrongly @ravenmum (quite possibly) but are you saying a woman who doesn't like and so doesn't give BJs is a red flags? I'd just call that setting boundaries myself. (ofc if that's a deal breaker the partner can end a relationship)

I just think saying you should do the little things that a partner likes is completely different when we are talking about sexual acts, rather than making a cup of tea in the morning etc.