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Original poster

Actions showing love even if it’s not been said?

127 replies

Crumbs79 · 02/11/2021 07:46

Hello all,

Just after your thoughts…
I’ve been seeing a new partner for around 4 months and have fallen for him totally. We have moved from seeing each other twice a week, to staying over on a weekend and now see each other around 5 nights a week so all going great. I love him and I have told him this. He has not said it back but had said he finds it hard to say and says he tries to show me with his actions instead … I guess I do feel loved/cared for but I don’t want to stay if he doesn’t/never will love me as life is too short for that! I guess what I’m asking is, should I trust in his actions without the woods go back it up? I know why he struggles to express his emotions and understand it.

He certainly seems to care very much at least and I do feel loved. He’s affectionate and attentive.

I was poorly one evening at his so he ran me a bath, got a hot water bottle and made me a drink.

After a difficult work day where I came in cold and tired, he warmed the bed with a hot water bottle while I was in the bath.

He brings me tea in bed every morning if he is out for work before me.

I told him I love the sound of the sea and long drives so he picked me up and drove to seafront about an hour away where we sat with take away tea listening to the sea and talking.

He picks up sweet treats he knows I like and gets in my favourite drinks.

He’s watched movies that make his eyes role (soppy stuff) when I’ve mentioned that I like them.

He’s picked up on my favourite music eras/artists snd bought CDs he thinks I’ll like for my car.

He’s come out in the evening when I’ve broken down and fixed the car.

The list goes on …. Most of all he makes me laugh, calls when he says he will, treats me well and is affectionate.

Does this sound like he does love me back? Or is at least on his way…. It’s hard for me as words of affirmation is definitely high on my ‘love languages’ which is an area he struggles with.

Actually he has said he loves me once but it was in his sleep so I’ve not told him as I don’t want to embarrass him. Im guessing I can’t trust an ‘I love you too darling’ said as he drifted off to sleep.’ He was unaware he’d said it back!

OP posts:
1MillionDollars · 02/11/2021 10:54

@JudgementalCactus

Jesus...it's a new relationship, it's special. So if someone is being nice it's lovebombing.

Things settle down and change. Everyone is naive when they get into relationships but you can't go into them with a pessimistic view, especially in the early days of starting to date.

Now the op might be completely suspicious of anyone being kind which adds issues into how she behaves.

She came here with one issue, now she's possible leaving thinking he is a love bomber and going to be abusive.

DukkaDukka · 02/11/2021 10:55

@JustThisLastLittleBit

It’s only been 4 months!
Exactly this! Give him a break.
LennyMurdoch · 02/11/2021 10:55

[quote 1MillionDollars]@LennyMurdoch

I'm just saying it was unnecessary/cynical to say. Let her just enjoy it and not taint it with the possibility of him not being who he really is and abuse down the line.

We'll have to agree to disagree.[/quote]

You don't get to tell me my post was unnecessary then expect me to 'agree to disagree' Hmm

I stand by every single word and I do think it is necessary to raise peoples awareness here. Ten minutes on mumsnet will show you why.

What I do wonder though is why any woman would suggest me saying 'be cautious' would ever be a bad thing? I'm not saying he is doing anything wrong, just 'be cautious' - that's good advice in most life situations so no i do not agree to disagree - I absolutely disagree.

1MillionDollars · 02/11/2021 10:55

She is the one saying I love you after 4 months.

Alert Alert Alert

1MillionDollars · 02/11/2021 10:56

@LennyMurdoch

I can say what I like. I am saying there is no point arguing about it because we disagree. That's about it.

LennyMurdoch · 02/11/2021 10:58

[quote 1MillionDollars]@LennyMurdoch

I can say what I like. I am saying there is no point arguing about it because we disagree. That's about it.[/quote]

Equally though I can say as I like. So go away and don't be telling me not to 'taint' someone's relationship Hmm

LennyMurdoch · 02/11/2021 10:59

@1MillionDollars

She is the one saying I love you after 4 months.

Alert Alert Alert

You are not wrong. It's an easy route for an abuser when a woman is so keen.

That's not what you meant though...

oreo2020 · 02/11/2021 10:59

He sounds like a keeper. 4 months is not long and the drifting into sleep 'love you' might have actually been a genuine one.

1MillionDollars · 02/11/2021 11:00

@LennyMurdoch

I never said you couldn't. I'm just responding to what you said. I disagreed with you, you disagree with me.

It's done. We can keep arguing if you like.

JudgementalCactus · 02/11/2021 11:01

[quote 1MillionDollars]@JudgementalCactus

Jesus...it's a new relationship, it's special. So if someone is being nice it's lovebombing.

Things settle down and change. Everyone is naive when they get into relationships but you can't go into them with a pessimistic view, especially in the early days of starting to date.

Now the op might be completely suspicious of anyone being kind which adds issues into how she behaves.

She came here with one issue, now she's possible leaving thinking he is a love bomber and going to be abusive.[/quote]
I'm not saying he's lovebombing, I'm saying we need to teach and encourage girls and women to know and recognise early warning signs for abusive partners, one of which is love bombing. And that being caution will do more good than harm to the majority of people.

Hence why going into relationships all stary-eyed and at full speed is usually a bad idea.

But ok, go ahead and twist my words any way you want trying to make me sound unreasonable and cynical Confused

RallySooney · 02/11/2021 11:04

He sounds lovely!

1MillionDollars · 02/11/2021 11:04

@JudgementalCactus

Okay, fair enough, but sometimes on this place people are so quick to jump to negative and cynical viewpoints.

If she had come here saying my boyfriend lavishes me in love and gifts and this that and the other fair enough.

She has just said he is lovely, shows her attention and kindness but snuggles to say I love you.

mydogisthebest · 02/11/2021 11:24

@JustThisLastLittleBit

It’s only been 4 months!
That can be long enough to know if you love someone or not. Me and DH got married 5 months after meeting
JudgementalCactus · 02/11/2021 11:28

@mydogisthebest you can fall in love with someone in 5 months, but you absolutely cannot know them well enough to decide that you are compatible for life! It's such a big gamble given what's at stake! And we should not be encouraging young women to go that route just because it happens to work out well for a minority of people.

ParmigianoReggiano · 02/11/2021 11:28

Personally I think actions speak louder than words. He sounds like a keeper OP!

JudgementalCactus · 02/11/2021 11:30

@1MillionDollars, I only brought up lovebombing in response to you calling another poster cynical to advice caution.

In my original answer to OP I actually agreed that he sounded lovely and the reluctance to say I love you too after 4 months would seem like a green flag to me, not the opposite.

Pinkbonbon · 02/11/2021 11:32

If someone told me othey loved me at 4 months I would run for the hills. You don't even know someone 4 months in. It's the honeymoon stage.

mydogisthebest · 02/11/2021 11:34

[quote JudgementalCactus]@mydogisthebest you can fall in love with someone in 5 months, but you absolutely cannot know them well enough to decide that you are compatible for life! It's such a big gamble given what's at stake! And we should not be encouraging young women to go that route just because it happens to work out well for a minority of people.[/quote]
From our second date me and DH saw each other every day until we got married but we didn't live together.

Some days we would meet for breakfast and then meet up when we had both finished work.

We have been very happily married for 40 years and are still very much in love. We know couples who didn't marry for years after they met and most of them are divorced now

GreyCarpet · 02/11/2021 11:58

What I do wonder though is why any woman would suggest me saying 'be cautious' would ever be a bad thing? I'm not saying he is doing anything wrong, just 'be cautious' - that's good advice in most life situations so no i do not agree to disagree - I absolutely disagree.

1MillionDollars is a man - refers to himself as a stepdad on another post.

I don't say that to discredit what he says but I think it highlights some difference between men and women on how relationships are entered and approached.

I know from speaking to male friends that they are less, if at all, wary of women when dating because their experiences have shown them that women are not a risk to them in the way many women have experienced that men are a risk to us.

JudgementalCactus · 02/11/2021 12:09

@GreyCarpet

What I do wonder though is why any woman would suggest me saying 'be cautious' would ever be a bad thing? I'm not saying he is doing anything wrong, just 'be cautious' - that's good advice in most life situations so no i do not agree to disagree - I absolutely disagree.

1MillionDollars is a man - refers to himself as a stepdad on another post.

I don't say that to discredit what he says but I think it highlights some difference between men and women on how relationships are entered and approached.

I know from speaking to male friends that they are less, if at all, wary of women when dating because their experiences have shown them that women are not a risk to them in the way many women have experienced that men are a risk to us.

Huh, his attitude makes so much more sense now. It's hard to understand being cautious when your risk of ending up in a physically/financially abusive relationship is absolutely miniscule.
TeeBee · 02/11/2021 12:12

If you understand his reasons for not saying it, what is there to forgive? You understand why he doesn't say it and clearly he's not an arsehole towards you. I'd take a punt on him. Words mean nothing...actions everything. As the song in My Fair lady goes 'don't talk of love...show me!'.

gannett · 02/11/2021 12:12

[quote JudgementalCactus]@mydogisthebest you can fall in love with someone in 5 months, but you absolutely cannot know them well enough to decide that you are compatible for life! It's such a big gamble given what's at stake! And we should not be encouraging young women to go that route just because it happens to work out well for a minority of people.[/quote]
Well you don't really know if you're compatible with someone for life until you die, technically. Ten-year marriages break down, so do 20-year ones etc. The entire bloody thing is a risk, but it's not being naive to do it anyway.

On topic, I'm a huge proponent of "actions mean more than words", though that's definitely because I'm one of those people who finds saying "I love you" and other soppy things incredibly awkward. I don't think I'd have dreamed of saying it after 4 months. Luckily DP is on the same page as me, so we get by without ever saying it but by showing that we love each other all the time in our own ways. I've never felt more secure that someone loves me really.

Sunshineandflipflops · 02/11/2021 12:31

I don't agree with some of these posts. Me and my dp told each other we loved each other after a few weeks. Yes, we still had things to learn about each other but who doesn't? I knew enough and so did he. We have been together over 2 years.

My ex husband was still telling me he loved me while he was shagging someone else so words alone don't mean anything. Saying I love you isn't hard for everyone.

Op your bf sounds lovey and I'm sure the words will come when he is ready and they will mean more to you as a result. If he still hasn't said it in another 2/3 months I would personally have an issue and a conversation about it though.

upaladderagain · 02/11/2021 12:53

Love is a verb not a noun

TheFoundations · 02/11/2021 12:55

Great. Let's all go into relationships thinking the person is lying about who they are. That's a great way to think

Why don't we just strap lie detectors on to each other on the first date gestapo style

How ridiculous. When you are in a new situation, you keep your eye open for risks. One of the risks in this situation is that the person might not be genuine, so yes, it is a great way to think. We should all be lie detectors. One of the major problems in new relationships that become problematic is that people don't want to detect the lies that are plainly being told to them.