Husband doesn't love our baby

[Hbos89]

Hey guys, I really need some advice.
My husband and I have been together for 5 years. Our oldest daughter is 2 and we have a 2 month old baby girl.
Since being parents, we've struggled as a couple but we've been working hard on overcoming our issues. But that's for another thread.

Right now however, I'm faced with something that just feels like it's the end for us.

When I got pregnant the second time, my husband wasn't as involved as the first time around. He didn't care much about the ultrasounds. Didn't follow up on how big she was or how she was developing. I thought maybe it was just less special cause he'd already seen it all once before. But it's all just gotten so much worse since she was born.
There must be about 500 pictures of our oldest daughter on his phone from the first few days in the hospital. Of the baby, there are none. I noticed he never picked her up unless he had to. He doesn't call her sweet names, which he did/does all the time with the oldest. He says things like 'I wish she would just sleep all the time. Any time she wakes up, I can't stand it. I don't have the energy to deal with her.' He also gets very angry when she cries, like she' s doing it on purpose to annoy him. Today he admitted to not feeling any love for her at all.
I've tried to take care of her all on my own. I do all the feedings, chance all the diapers, hold her when she cries. And I'm doing that on top of caring for the oldest and doing the household (70/30 for me I'd say). Problem is that our youngest also has bad reflux, so she cries a lot when you put her down. I carry her around upright all day long. I don't ask for much help, but when I do it just escalates very quickly. Last night I asked if I could take a bath and leave the baby with him. I was gone less than 10 minutes when I heard her crying. I texted to see if he was okay, after which he came barging in, dropped the baby in my arms fully clothed and walked out saying 'I'm going to f*ing kill her!', punches a wall before leaving and then he's gone.
This kind of thing has happened several times before. Never with the oldest.
I'm trying to be understanding. He's having a hard time feeling any love for her. That's not something he chooses. I know he feels ashamed that this is happening. It's all so out of character for him. He's always been nothing but gentle with our oldest. I'm the strict one and he'll just give her anything she wants if she smiles at him nicely. But I just feel unsafe around him now. I'm afraid he'll end up hurting the baby. I also feel very alone. I never get a break and I feel like I have to love her enough for the both of us.
Despite our issues in the past, I have never felt like I loved him less for it. But this is different. This is my baby. My kids are my whole world and I'm very protective of them. It scares me, but I'm not looking at my husband the same way anymore.
I've asked him to talk to someone, our family doctor or a therapist. He refuses.

Help! What would you do if you were me?

@Hen2018

Mother of a shaken baby here.

Get him out.

Am so sorry. Is your baby ok?

Update.
Husband is spending some time with his parents for a while. He has been very compliant and left without making a fuss, albeit worried how I'm going to manage 2 kinds and the household by myself.
We've talked on the phone and he says his refusal to get help was mainly because he feels so ashamed and guilty. He's agreed to see our GP about it. It's a first step. He knows I expect more from him, but I'm letting him take things one step at a time.

He's also been taking responsibility for his actions. He has called my mother and my brother and personally told them what happened, apologized and asked them to help out with the kids as much as possible for my sake.

Despite his efforts, I have made it abundantly clear that he will not move back in until he's gotten the help he needs. He can come and visit and see the children under my supervision for short periods.
We've also talked about him punching the wall. I know him and I also know why he did that. He's never in any way acted threatening towards me, ever. I didn't perceive it as abusive because I know he did that as a firm of self-punishment because of how he had acted. I did explain to him that it can be perceived as a threat, making the wall a metaphor for the pain he wants to inflict on someone else. He was horrified to hear that and apologized profusely.
We've gone over some of the material on post partul depression and he was both relieved to know he's not the first person to experience this, but also overwhelmed by having to admit he has a serious mental health issue. He's struggled with anxiety before, but never anything so serious.

In his actions now, I'm seeing the man I know again. I'm not going to go easy on him or let him off the hook too easily. I will need to be absolutely certain my kids are safe before we move forward. But it's a start.

He's a dangerous man,either you need to leave with kids or make him leave x

Well done. I'm sure it's all been extremely difficult. Best of luck.

albeit worried how I'm going to manage 2 kinds and the household by myself

Did he say this or is this how you're feeling?

In his actions now, I'm seeing the man I know again

Wow that was quick!

Agree though it's a good start, as long as he follows through with getting help I'm sure he will be able to control his triggers.

In his actions now, I'm seeing the man I know again

🤦🏼‍♀️🤦🏼‍♀️🤦🏼‍♀️🤦🏼‍♀️🤦🏼‍♀️🤦🏼‍♀️🤦🏼‍♀️🤦🏼‍♀️🤦🏼‍♀️🤦🏼‍♀️🤦🏼‍♀️🤦🏼‍♀️

He sounds like someone with nothing left to give. If things have been tough for a while it can happen. Clearly he can't parent when he's like this. Hopefully he can get help and resolve the cause to come back from this. Good luck to you all, it sounds awful.

@Hbos89 so glad to hear that he has accepted he has a problem and given you some space, and I’m so glad that he has been honest with your family and his. It’s a really positive sign that he knows his behaviour isn’t OK and he is determined to change.

Don’t waiver in insisting that he gets help, and take up offers of help and space for yourself, you’ll have some processing to do yourself.

You’re doing so well.

He needs to leave now
I heard her crying. I texted to see if he was okay, after which he came barging in, dropped the baby in my arms fully clothed and walked out saying 'I'm going to f*ing kill her!', punches a wall before leaving and then he's gone.

Tell his gp
Tho unless he seeks help
You cannot do more

He told you he was going to kill your baby. He punched the wall, that is a form of domestic violence. There would be no coming back from this for me. How could you ever trust him with your kids again?

I'm glad to hear he has recognised he needs help and I hope he both gets it and benefits from it. I know how it can feel to be triggered by a child but he clearly can't manage his feelings and act responsibly at the moment, so being away from you is for the best. I hope too that your family are able to step up and give you some support.

This is domestic abuse. The trigger really doesn't matter. Your DH is not happy because his life is not the way he wants it and he's going to make you all suffer. It's really not healthy to have DC around someone who is emotionally abusive and aggressive. I would talk to women's aid and make a safety plan. You need to either get him out or leave. His behaviour will already be effecting your DC. Good luck OP

I actually think it sounds like you are both doing your best to try to resolve this very sad situation. He doesn't chose to feel this way and I agree with others who have mentioned postpartum depression in men. Good luck to both of you, I hope that one day you will both be able to look back at this time from a much happier place!

@Regularsizedrudy

He told you he was going to kill your baby. He punched the wall, that is a form of domestic violence. There would be no coming back from this for me. How could you ever trust him with your kids again?

But he obviously hasn't acted upon his feelings towards the baby and has recognised that there is an issue which he is trying to resolve. He is keeping his distance whilst he does this. If this were the other way around as per link below, would we be making such comments about the mother? Why are women allowed to experience the depths of postnatal depression but men not? He's currently mentally unwell and he acknowledges this. Doesn't make him a dreadful person.

www.healthline.com/health/postpartum-rage#symptoms

And whilst hitting the wall is not ideal, it's NOT the same as domestic abuse. In doing this you are hurting yourself in anger, not others. It's a pretty common thing to do to be fair. I've done it myself once before when feeling angry, and no one else was even physically present.....

@Embracelife

He needs to leave now I heard her crying. I texted to see if he was okay, after which he came barging in, dropped the baby in my arms fully clothed and walked out saying 'I'm going to f*ing kill her!', punches a wall before leaving and then he's gone.

Tell his gp
Tho unless he seeks help
You cannot do more

RTFT

He has left, he has told all of his and her family exactly what he has done and why he’s staying at his parents and he has committed to seek help.

You couldn’t ask any more of the guy in the space of a day.

But I just feel unsafe around him now. I'm afraid he'll end up hurting the baby

If you really feel this way OP (and I can see why) then you leave. I'm sorry that's no help for you but I couldn't have my child around this.

Hen2018
Mother of a shaken baby here.

Get him out.
Am so sorry. Is your baby ok?

He was shaken to frighten me, not with the intention of killing him. He’s a man now (just!) No one can say if any damage occurred when he was 1. He has ASD, selective mutism and learning difficulties, fine motor problems and nystagmus.

And whilst hitting the wall is not ideal, it's NOT the same as domestic abuse. In doing this you are hurting yourself in anger, not others. It's a pretty common thing to do to be fair. I've done it myself once before when feeling angry, and no one else was even physically present.....

No-one was present when you punched a wall so no-one was frightened or terrified. (I'm assuming you were alone in the house.) So in your case not domestic abuse.
In OP's case 2 people were present. The perpetrator not only punched the wall he screamed "I'm going to fucking kill her" as he dropped his 2 month old baby into the bath. This was not an isolated incident. That is clearly domestic abuse. It is also child abuse.

Op, I'm glad that your husband has left and agreed to seek help. I hope it works out for you all.

It’s a good start op. Well done.

@Hbos89 Your recent update is really positive. I’m glad your dh is taking responsibility. This must be very hard for him and you. You are doing an amazing job. Being a mum is hard work. You are doing great

As a male I don’t usually follow the mantra of Kick the bastard out, which is regularly chanted in here, but on this occasion I wholeheartedly agree with those posters who’ve said that. And I’m glad to see you’ve asked him to leave.

It’s sad if your husband has mental health issues.
It’s sad if he has some form of PND.
It’s sad if he’s stressed by being a parent.

I’ve been there, and had the frustrations and crying baby and sleepless nights and so on. I get it. I never once would have uttered any threat to kill my child. That in itself is worrying enough, but even if he was just vocalising frustrations - considering his complete lack of love/emotion towards your second child - it becomes more than just worrying and feels like a genuine risk.

He’s the adult here. He has to recognise these things and deal with them accordingly at the time - hand the baby over to you (calmly!), set her down for a while, step out of the room, whatever. Not threats and violence.

The only priority here is to keep your innocent children safe.

The moment he punched a wall, he lost control of his temper and showed that leaving him alone with a young baby was a big risk. ‘Punching a wall’ is often downplayed to make it seem like a more controlled and appealing alternative to punching a human (“it’s ok, he never hit me, he took his frustration out on the wall instead”) but I would argue that if you’re having to punch ANYTHING, then you’ve lost the run of yourself. Add in the fact that it’s scary for those in your vicinity to witness - particularly when children are involved - and that fact that he made a threat also - and his behaviour has been wholly unacceptable.

I’m glad he’s recognised this and moved out for now, but I don’t think crocodile tears and the onset of guilt after the fact will rule out it ever happening again. He has a lot of things he needs to resolve here including his lack of emotion towards your daughter, and I absolutely would not be letting him back through the door until he’s shown real tangible proof of progress.

He sounds like he was happy to leave.

Maybe that was what he wanted, he sounds as though he had checked out of parental life with your second child.

Obviously depression and postpartum anger has been cited.
His unspoken need of a different sex child could also be part of it or what about an ow, is there a possibility?

Could he have had his head turned and be checking out of the relationship, he seems very keen on handing over responsibility to your family the care and concern of you and your children.

He needs to be away, whatever the excuses for his diabolical behaviour, he is acting against all the laws of nature, to protect, care and love for your newborn.

I don't think I could trust him again, not only towards the child but to yourself.

The only thing that matters here is the safety of your child and a man that says he'll fucking kill his own child is abhorrent. I bet you've not told anybody in real life what he said because you very well know they will (rightly) be horrified.

There is absolutely nothing you can say to excuse his angry outbursts, and punching walls. Nothing.

Your long updates about his feelings are irrelevant. CHILD first not MAN first.

I couldn’t get more than half way through your post as this is terrifying. I wouldn’t keep the baby in the house with him a second longer and if he had been alone with her I think you should take her to a doctor to check for injuries. Sorry you are in this situation. I hope you have some family you can stay with who will help you look after your babies.