Husband doesn't love our baby

[Hbos89]

Hey guys, I really need some advice.
My husband and I have been together for 5 years. Our oldest daughter is 2 and we have a 2 month old baby girl.
Since being parents, we've struggled as a couple but we've been working hard on overcoming our issues. But that's for another thread.

Right now however, I'm faced with something that just feels like it's the end for us.

When I got pregnant the second time, my husband wasn't as involved as the first time around. He didn't care much about the ultrasounds. Didn't follow up on how big she was or how she was developing. I thought maybe it was just less special cause he'd already seen it all once before. But it's all just gotten so much worse since she was born.
There must be about 500 pictures of our oldest daughter on his phone from the first few days in the hospital. Of the baby, there are none. I noticed he never picked her up unless he had to. He doesn't call her sweet names, which he did/does all the time with the oldest. He says things like 'I wish she would just sleep all the time. Any time she wakes up, I can't stand it. I don't have the energy to deal with her.' He also gets very angry when she cries, like she' s doing it on purpose to annoy him. Today he admitted to not feeling any love for her at all.
I've tried to take care of her all on my own. I do all the feedings, chance all the diapers, hold her when she cries. And I'm doing that on top of caring for the oldest and doing the household (70/30 for me I'd say). Problem is that our youngest also has bad reflux, so she cries a lot when you put her down. I carry her around upright all day long. I don't ask for much help, but when I do it just escalates very quickly. Last night I asked if I could take a bath and leave the baby with him. I was gone less than 10 minutes when I heard her crying. I texted to see if he was okay, after which he came barging in, dropped the baby in my arms fully clothed and walked out saying 'I'm going to f*ing kill her!', punches a wall before leaving and then he's gone.
This kind of thing has happened several times before. Never with the oldest.
I'm trying to be understanding. He's having a hard time feeling any love for her. That's not something he chooses. I know he feels ashamed that this is happening. It's all so out of character for him. He's always been nothing but gentle with our oldest. I'm the strict one and he'll just give her anything she wants if she smiles at him nicely. But I just feel unsafe around him now. I'm afraid he'll end up hurting the baby. I also feel very alone. I never get a break and I feel like I have to love her enough for the both of us.
Despite our issues in the past, I have never felt like I loved him less for it. But this is different. This is my baby. My kids are my whole world and I'm very protective of them. It scares me, but I'm not looking at my husband the same way anymore.
I've asked him to talk to someone, our family doctor or a therapist. He refuses.

Help! What would you do if you were me?

When children witness violence (punching a wall) or hear verbal abuse (a death threat), they are being abused. Even at two months old.

What your dd experienced will affect her. He has abused her. He will always be a threat to her because he has already harmed her.

The NSPCC has lots of good info on their website about what constitutes abuse. There is no excuse for it, depression, relationship issues, stress at work, money worries.

He is a threat to you and your children and every minute he is still in the same house of them, they are in danger.

He needs to leave and stay away for good.

Youve not said how stressed he is outside the home. Has he been on paternity leave from work. Was he entirely on board with having a second child.

Post natal depression, my arse .

So the person who carried and gave birth to the baby, does ALL the night waking and taking care of the baby, while also looking after the older child and doing 70% of the housework is holding the fort practically single handedly. But the one who couldn't even be bothered to care about the ultrasound or pregnancy, who sleeps IN A DIFFERENT ROOM so he doesn't have to be disturbed by the baby and hardly ever even has to BE with the baby while doing minimal housework is the one with postnatal depression! Someone has even suggested noise cancelling headphones for the poor love. I've never seen a mother get this kind of a pass.

OP, although in a way you are minimising this a bit I do think you have your head screwed on right and you can handle this situation. Please ask him to leave and get help, now. Meanwhile don't leave the baby unattended if he's in the house, even if she's asleep. If you have a bath keep her in the bathroom with you in a carrier or pram or whatever. It's not ideal but better than something going horribly wrong.

He sounds potentially dangerous, not safe to have around her.

At the mild end of the scale she'll end up having issues if she's treated so differently to her sister & so indifferently ongoing. That would be cruelty.

On the reflux front, have you got a sling/carrier?

Also there is infant ranitidine (not sure of spelling) etc- through go.

Colief drops seemed to help - in case it's lactose. Some babies have an issue with casein too.

*through gp

This is bizarre logic. People are so different. On that logic no teenager from a ‘happy home’ should ever suffer mental health problems, because other young people in the same environment don’t. Mental health doesn’t make sense, and you can’t say what someone else should or shouldn’t find triggering or stressful. He may be under pressure from work, wider family problems, his parents may have struggled with him as a newborn and dealing with a crying baby is stirring things in his unconscious mind. We simply don’t know. All we know is that sometimes minds are strange. I can’t personally imagine feeling such strong rage towards a small, helpless baby. But if I loved and trusted the person I’d probably give them the benefit of the doubt that they hadn’t turned into a murderous maniac overnight.

He didn’t hurt the baby. He directed aggression at an inanimate object. He recognises something is wrong. Put some safeguarding in place and keep the dialogue open. Support him in accessing help. IF you love him and think he’s a good person then he is worth that.

It sounds like he may have postnatal depression... men can get it too..

The issue here is, he is refusing help..

If i were you in that situation, i wouldn't allow my baby anywhere near him until he gets help as he is showing signs of agression...

For reference, my daughter had colic and reflux and we had a really hard time adjusting to being parents. We both agreed we had an innate 'want her to have everything she needs and be ok' love for her but not a delighting-in-her kind of love. It was a horrendously difficult time. But at no point did either myself or husband treat our baby like that and even when overwhelmed or upset from all her crying we treated her kindly and with respect. It felt like basic human decency. This is a reasonable way to react to a difficult newborn situation. NOT the dangerous behaviour your partner is showing you. Reflux and a crying newborn does not justify the way he behaved or talked about her, under any circumstances.

FWIW omeprazole really helped her and she's now 20 months and we love and adore her relentlessly, it was just a tricky start.

Saying "I'm going to fucking kill her" then punching a wall, do you really need to ask what you should do? Leave him before he hurts you or worse your children. He clearly can't control his temper and shouldn't be trusted. It'd be game over if it was me. I'd be asking him to leave ASAP.

What an awful situation for you op. One got no advice other than what pp have said. I would leave immediately.

I can’t understand how he can be besotted with one child and be this awful to the other. It’s so strange.

@PjsOn

Saying "I'm going to fucking kill her" then punching a wall, do you really need to ask what you should do? Leave him before he hurts you or worse your children. He clearly can't control his temper and shouldn't be trusted. It'd be game over if it was me. I'd be asking him to leave ASAP.

This 100%.

"Post natal depression, my arse"

Indeed. It's a bit worrying how many women excuse this with an "aw bless, be nicer" head tilt sort of post.

[quote Kathers92]@TravelLost

I agree that he needs to see a doctor immediately and I would be asking him to leave if he didn’t.

But I don’t believe that he will be lifelong danger to the child, he likely Just needs help. If he chooses not to get that help then I agree the relationship is over.[/quote]
Wow. How can you be sure of this?

Some posters on here - you would really give this guy “another chance “? Are you serious?? He doesn’t deserve it.

Zero tolerance wrt threatening to kill a baby.

OP I just dont think I could take the risk. my children and their wellbeing before anyone and anything.

@FrancescaContini

If you read my previous posts I had explained that I experienced postpartum rage after the birth of my DS.
Obviously I cannot be sure about anything to do with the Op’s Husband but if he has been a nice person and a good husband/ farther up until now and then is struggling with a mental illness it is a completely different kettle of fish to someone just being violent and abusive.
I am happy that my husband supported me through a rough patch and now we are all fine.

I am in no way suggesting she leaves him with the baby as if everything is normal because clearly it isn't, he needs to get help and now.

This thread has made me quite sad actually sometimes people struggle and when they do everyone is supposed to declare the person an awful human and LTB.

For everyone that is going to suggest I am suggesting the Op puts up with her husbands behaviour I’m not. I would kick him out until he got help but to suggest he cannot be a good dad after successfully being treated for a mental illness is ridiculous.

@Hbos89 From your last update it looks like you have got it all in hand. Hope it all works out

@Kathers92 it’s a bit of a scary post to be honest. I’ve got a little boy and I hope his mental health never falters after reading lots of these responses. I agree we don’t know the OPs husband to know what’s going on here, but I don’t understand how a woman doing the same would receive help and support, but a struggling man is abusive and wants to oppress women.

Oh my god

"What if some woman tells my son off one day for screaming at his child and saying he wants to kill it. Says she wants him to leave and everything. What a cow. So sad."

@Papierdecoupe
I also have a little boy and agree. I also hope these posters never suffer anything like what I went through. It was an awful time and without the help of my husband it would’ve been so much worse.

Help! What would you do if you were me?

Has he gone to his parents’ house yet? If not, I’d insist he goes immediately.

Looking after a baby with bad reflux and a two-year-old on top of doing most (now all?) of the housework must be really tough. Do you have a relative or friend who could help you out for a bit?

I’d also get professional advice on whether there is a possible way forward for your marriage without putting your kids at risk. I don’t know if there is. I’d probably start by speaking to my Health Visitor.

No, what if my son develops depression. What if he loses his family and friends at a critical point where support might have kept them all together. There’s no doubt the OPs husband isn’t safe right now and has done and said some terrible things, but perhaps he needs support. They may not recover as a couple from the things he’s done, but if you loved someone would you really just dismiss them as abusive like that? I don’t think anyone here is suggesting he needs a telling off. Abuse doesn’t respond to that and nor does depression

@Papierdecoupe

No, what if my son develops depression. What if he loses his family and friends at a critical point where support might have kept them all together. There’s no doubt the OPs husband isn’t safe right now and has done and said some terrible things, but perhaps he needs support. They may not recover as a couple from the things he’s done, but if you loved someone would you really just dismiss them as abusive like that? I don’t think anyone here is suggesting he needs a telling off. Abuse doesn’t respond to that and nor does depression

Most people aren't suggesting that she leaves him, but they she keeps their children safe by him staying elsewhere whilst he gets the support and help he evidently needs, for all of their sakes.

If it helps you to feel better about your son's imaginary future, I have desperately loved and supported my husband for over 20 years. He's autistic and has bad everyday anxiety, he sometimes has meltdowns where he screams and punches himself. He was unemployed for 3 years and at the end grew depressed and suicidal.

But he has never once threatened me or anyone else, never. He would never do that because he had a bully of a father (someone else's dear darling son!) and swore he'd never ever hurt anyone else like that. I have never been scared by him once.

The OP's husband has externalised it into active threatening behaviour and then pinned it on her to fix it.

If your sons do this one day, then the women have a goddamn right to treat them "badly" by leaving or demanding they do.

Perhaps be less worried for them and more for your grandchildren in this scenario? Perhaps teach your boys how to manage their emotions and then they won't do this?

You need to leave with your children or he leaves the house. When someone is that angry around a vulnerable infant, it won't end well. It doesnt take much to hurt a baby, he's told you that he will 'fucking kill her' ... beleive him.

@Hbos89 I haven't read all the comments. But I had a similar experience. The final straw was my husband being quite rough with our ds when dressing him into a vest, making him cry because of the way he was trying to get him in there, then when I called him out on that he took a couple of menacing steps that made me glad there was an armchair between us to be honest. He spoke to the doctor who basically said sounds like post natal type depression. He started taking St John's wort tablets for low mood. He went to a private course of cbt. He worked on it. This was over 4yrs ago. He's mostly overcome all of this but does suffer from low mood. To be honest this period did damage our marriage. For me the big thing though is he recognised what he felt like and was acting like was not right and he went and did something about it.