Husband doesn't love our baby

[Hbos89]

Hey guys, I really need some advice.
My husband and I have been together for 5 years. Our oldest daughter is 2 and we have a 2 month old baby girl.
Since being parents, we've struggled as a couple but we've been working hard on overcoming our issues. But that's for another thread.

Right now however, I'm faced with something that just feels like it's the end for us.

When I got pregnant the second time, my husband wasn't as involved as the first time around. He didn't care much about the ultrasounds. Didn't follow up on how big she was or how she was developing. I thought maybe it was just less special cause he'd already seen it all once before. But it's all just gotten so much worse since she was born.
There must be about 500 pictures of our oldest daughter on his phone from the first few days in the hospital. Of the baby, there are none. I noticed he never picked her up unless he had to. He doesn't call her sweet names, which he did/does all the time with the oldest. He says things like 'I wish she would just sleep all the time. Any time she wakes up, I can't stand it. I don't have the energy to deal with her.' He also gets very angry when she cries, like she' s doing it on purpose to annoy him. Today he admitted to not feeling any love for her at all.
I've tried to take care of her all on my own. I do all the feedings, chance all the diapers, hold her when she cries. And I'm doing that on top of caring for the oldest and doing the household (70/30 for me I'd say). Problem is that our youngest also has bad reflux, so she cries a lot when you put her down. I carry her around upright all day long. I don't ask for much help, but when I do it just escalates very quickly. Last night I asked if I could take a bath and leave the baby with him. I was gone less than 10 minutes when I heard her crying. I texted to see if he was okay, after which he came barging in, dropped the baby in my arms fully clothed and walked out saying 'I'm going to f*ing kill her!', punches a wall before leaving and then he's gone.
This kind of thing has happened several times before. Never with the oldest.
I'm trying to be understanding. He's having a hard time feeling any love for her. That's not something he chooses. I know he feels ashamed that this is happening. It's all so out of character for him. He's always been nothing but gentle with our oldest. I'm the strict one and he'll just give her anything she wants if she smiles at him nicely. But I just feel unsafe around him now. I'm afraid he'll end up hurting the baby. I also feel very alone. I never get a break and I feel like I have to love her enough for the both of us.
Despite our issues in the past, I have never felt like I loved him less for it. But this is different. This is my baby. My kids are my whole world and I'm very protective of them. It scares me, but I'm not looking at my husband the same way anymore.
I've asked him to talk to someone, our family doctor or a therapist. He refuses.

Help! What would you do if you were me?

This definitely sounds like depression/a breakdown of some kind rather than an abusive man who you need to leave for good. Obviously the first priority is the safety of your children and you, and him going to parents is a great first step, then he needs to seek help to recover. I don’t think it’s helpful to vilify the OPs DH, clearly something is terribly wrong and out of character and he needs help.

If a mother was going through something similar, we would say she needs immediate psychiatric support rather than for her husband to leave her and take away her children forever.

Oh also just to say lack of sleep made my husband much much worse. I had to shoulder most of the load at nights.

Also, he dropped the baby into a bath of water. Imagine if you hadn't of caught her in time? Would you still protect him then? His intentions were shit, if he has depression or not, don't minimise it.

@Kathers92 @Papierdecoupe totally agree. PPs have drawn some terrible conclusions about someone who might be having a mental health crisis.

Can you get him to look at these links
www.nhs.uk/mental-health/conditions/post-natal-depression/symptoms/

Contact a GP, or call 111, immediately if:
• you have frightening thoughts about hurting your baby (these can be scary, but people with these kinds of thoughts rarely harm their baby)

www.tommys.org/pregnancy-information/blogs-and-stories/after-birth/tommys-midwives/postnatal-depression-men

What are the symptoms of paternal depression?
Feeling sad and hopeless.
Constant exhaustion or numbness.
Not wanting to do anything.
Feeling unable to cope.
Feeling guilty for not being happy or for not coping.
Worrying that you don’t love your baby enough.
Being easily irritated.
Crying or wanting to cry more than usual.
Not wanting to eat or being unable to eat.
Binge eating.
Finding it difficult to sleep.
Lack of interest in your partner and/or baby.
Anxiety and/or panic attacks.
Finding it difficult to make decisions.
Having worrying thoughts about harming yourself or your baby.

www.verywellfamily.com/postpartum-rage-4781709

www.theguardian.com/lifeandstyle/2017/nov/13/can-men-get-postnatal-depression

The thing is nothing else matters. If he was a great parent to your eldist or not. The cercumstances around the incidences are irrelevant. If he's suffering depression or not.
The only thing that matters are the incidences you discribed and his behaviour. They are unexceptable.
There is a major safeguarding consern here for both children. That's the only thing thats important here and has to be acted on.
Also the fact he won't see the GP or do anything to help himself is a consern.
I think you need to notify social services, this to too big a thing to deal with by yourself. They should advise and guide you. You are your children's protector and they has to come first.

But I definitely agree that he should stay away until he has gotten some help. I think PPs mentioned supervised contact time.

But you need to speak to your GP too. That way it's logged and they can give you a clearer idea of what you are dealing with.

Please remove yourself and your tiny, vulnerable children away from this man who threatens violence to a baby. As soon as you can. A life may depend on it.

Ask your doctor for omeprazole for the reflux. Saved me and baby can sleep now.
As for the ma, leave him. He could harm
The baby one day. PNT male version
This is, so he could seek help as a first step

Yeh it's sad he's having a mental health crisis
But his bag would be on the door step and locks changed. You cannot take any chances with this precious human. Baby comes before everything this is how it has to be always. Hopefully time apart will see him get the help he needs.

Sounds a lot like my father. For him, the problem was that I was another girl, while his mother was breathing down his neck to produce sons. My older sister got away with being female because she was the first child; no such luck for me.

So could it be that sex disappointment is a part of the story? If so, unfortunately the explanation doesn't lead to a solution. My father ended up leaving. But perhaps your partner is different and manages to sort his head out if he pinpoints better what his issues with the second child are.

@Papierdecoupe

No, what if my son develops depression. What if he loses his family and friends at a critical point where support might have kept them all together. There’s no doubt the OPs husband isn’t safe right now and has done and said some terrible things, but perhaps he needs support. They may not recover as a couple from the things he’s done, but if you loved someone would you really just dismiss them as abusive like that? I don’t think anyone here is suggesting he needs a telling off. Abuse doesn’t respond to that and nor does depression

You can only support someone who wants to get better. What he needs is to take responsibility for his condition, whatever it is. Recognise that he is a threat right now and remove himself until he gets better. He needs to take initiative and an active role in his rehabilitation. None of which he's doing as per OP's last update.

If he can't spend more than a few minutes alone with his baby before flying into violent rage, he is absolutely not safe to be around, with or without support. OP's first and foremost duty is to keep the children and herself safe. Support for her husband comes second. Right now those two things are incompatible whilst he's sticking around. From a distance, perhaps. But he must be the driver of his change. And he's not.

OP's husband decided he was disinterested in the baby whilst she was still pregnant. It then escalated to hatred. This isn't a one-off or an overnight switch. It's a slow burn of almost a year and it's already progressed from bad to worse. It will most definitely progress to even worse if it's not addressed properly.

@ThreeLocusts

Sounds a lot like my father. For him, the problem was that I was another girl, while his mother was breathing down his neck to produce sons. My older sister got away with being female because she was the first child; no such luck for me.

So could it be that sex disappointment is a part of the story? If so, unfortunately the explanation doesn't lead to a solution. My father ended up leaving. But perhaps your partner is different and manages to sort his head out if he pinpoints better what his issues with the second child are.

I'm sorry you had to go through that
But yeah, that was my first thought too. It sadly happens way more often than people think.

@RobinsReliant

Get yourself and your DC to a safe place.

Your DH needs help. What you describe is depression. It’s serious. It’s also not uncommon.

However you / he doesn’t have to stay in the house while he gets help. Prioritise your safety and well-being, and that of your child, over everything. It might be the wake up call he needs to see a doctor.

agree with this. Needs help for depression, which is being expressed as anger/ rage

It's terrifying to me that a grown man makes a credible threat to kill a baby and the reaction of many is "poor man". And to suggest that women are evil man haters for saying get this man away from your children.

I don't give a fuck about his mental health. I care about the baby he's thrown in a bath and threatened to kill. He can deal with his mental health when he's far, far away from OP's children.

I don't give a fuck about his mental health. I care about the baby he's thrown in a bath and threatened to kill. He can deal with his mental health when he's far, far away from OP's children.

Yeah, I mean, it's very sad if he's suffering from depression, it's very bad if he's an abusive arsehole but either way, he's not fit to be around the children at the moment and until he sorts himself out, someone has to be the grownup and get the children away from this man.

His behaviour is out of control.

You really need him to leave. He has threatened to kill your child and that CANNOT be minimised. There are too many court cases in the news right now where parents have killed their small children (or stood by and let their children be killed) to in any way minimise this. Whatever is going on with him, the words and the anger displayed are deeply, deeply troubling. I don't see how he can come back from that tbh. Keep your kids safe.

You don't need to love a baby to look after it. And you can love a baby and still hurt it.

So the whole "he doesn't love her" is not the issue. He's giving himself permission to behave this way.

[quote Allsorts1]**@Kathers92* @Papierdecoupe* totally agree. PPs have drawn some terrible conclusions about someone who might be having a mental health crisis.[/quote]
Go outside, leave the baby? Get psychiatric help?

I think many parents have experienced frustration and possibly even thoughts about causing harm when faced with exhaustion and an inconsolable baby

But he is not her primary caregiver. He has every opportunity to take time away. I mean, we're not just talking about a bit of apathy here, he could be a danger.

So yes, he may be depressed but he is still very much to blame for his actions

@beastlyslumber

It's terrifying to me that a grown man makes a credible threat to kill a baby and the reaction of many is "poor man". And to suggest that women are evil man haters for saying get this man away from your children.

I don't give a fuck about his mental health. I care about the baby he's thrown in a bath and threatened to kill. He can deal with his mental health when he's far, far away from OP's children.

Totally agree. So many posters here minimising his threatening behaviour, I’m shocked.

Ask him to leave. One second he could lose control and hit the baby. It sounds like he is so close to doing that. If he won't leave, you and children leave him. Go to a refuge if you have nowhere else to go. Never give him access to children unaccompanied or it could end in tragedy.

Having read this post I think your husband may be suffering with postnatal depression. He needs to seek help.immediately and in the mean time you should ask him to leave.

He isn't safe around the baby abs I think you both recognise that

@beastlyslumber

It's terrifying to me that a grown man makes a credible threat to kill a baby and the reaction of many is "poor man". And to suggest that women are evil man haters for saying get this man away from your children.

I don't give a fuck about his mental health. I care about the baby he's thrown in a bath and threatened to kill. He can deal with his mental health when he's far, far away from OP's children.

I agree.

Oh op this is awful. I feel so sad for you. You absolutely cannot leave your baby with your husband, if even insist that he sleep in another room so he was never near enough to the baby to harm her. You are doing the right thing and he absolutely needs help and ASAP! Good luck.

Mother of a shaken baby here.

Get him out.